Dear Elaine and everyone else, We all seem to be suffering on this journey and even as the days become weeks and then months the pain remains as intense as at the beginning. You are right that only those who have suffered such intense lost can fully understand this grief and sadness. All I want is to be that family unit again - everything else is merely a distraction to somehow get to tomorrow. I am starting counselling next week so I am hoping that it will bring some release from the panic attacks and constant flashbacks. Thinking of you all and hoping the future is brighter than today. With love. Wynne
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Dear Wynne and All
I am really pleased you are finding some counselling , I have also found a group in my area and I am going to a meeting on the 6th May so I will post how I find it helps.
I was at Johns Grave last week and there was a man tending a grave opposite who had lost his son some six years previous, we started chatting about how he had got through and what I was going through it was so helpful and thats what we need to talk to others who know the pain . Its strange but since I have been tending Johns garden (Grave ) many others have been doing the same with theirs and they all look so beautiful in the sunshine, as I said before I know he is not there but it gives me somewhere to go which is peaceful and private I am lucky to have such a beautiful spot. I have spoken to others who dont like the graveyard but have made little memorial areas in their gardens which they focus on, just thought I would share this with you as I find it comforting but we are deal with our grief differently I suppose.
God Bless and hopefully you will have a good day today!
Elaine
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Dear Elaine and everyone
It was lovely to read how you find some peace when you are tending Johnās garden. We go most days to where some of Danielās ashes have been placed. It is in beautiful memorial garden with views of the hills and the river. It does bring some solace but it all seems rather like a parallel life. Normal happy life stopped the morning Daniel left this world and we are now existing in another world. I am trying to hang on to the hope that many others seem to share that one day we will all meet again but my faith has taken a huge downturn. Counselling starts next week which I hope will help with the anxiety and panic. This journey is so very hard and exhausting. I welcome how others are copying and wish you all peace. With love Wynne
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Dear Wynne, Elaine and Everyone else,
I still have Samās ashes in his urn here in the other room. We are having a tree in an arboretum that Dyrham Park are in the throes of constructing, you get a tree with a number and in the book by that number will be Samās name. Since this was agreed I have struggled with the idea of putting the urn beneath the tree Dyrham Park is on the way to Chippenham on the A46 and it feels a long way from me (it probably isnāt) and I have had a few dreams with Sam in them saying he wants to stay here, so I rang Dyrham Park (they are part of the National Trust) and we can only scatter the ashes not plant them so I will scatter just a few as this is what my ex husband wants!! and put the rest in my garden here at home like Elaine said it is somewhere for me to focus and to talk to Sam (which I do each day). I went to a wedding reception yesterday didnāt want to go but had already accepted the invitation a long time ago but got upset because they were playing Samās favourite song and I feel back to square one. Someone said either Wynne or Elaine that you feel you are on a parallel course not really connecting to others who havenāt lost anyone and that is so true and how I feel today. Sorry for the monologue all.
with love Helen
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I still have my sons ashes at home he died November 24th 2016 he was my only child I now am by myself as I have no partner I miss my son every minute of every day I had a ring made out of some of his ashes so heās always with me its called ashes to glass
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My son was also called daniel,he worked hard and still lived with me he had an operation to clean out some abbessis in October u thought every thing was OK then 3 weeks later he collapsed and died it was a complete shock the last words he said to me was help me help me as he couldnāt breath I miss him all the time I wish I had known that he had a clot in his leg that traveled to his heart
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On the 31/1/17 my son 38 committed suicide after suffering mental health issues. He left a note saying he was sorry he couldnāt cope with life any more.
I am still having trouble coming to terms of losing him . I find myself in the blackness of life breaking down when I think of him. People who havent lost a child try but they dont understand. I feel mixed emotions I dont understand like I am in some void I feel drained. I do have my daughter and my sisters which help I realise that I am lucky to have them in my life.
My son talks to me maybe its my imagination I dont know. He tells me to get another dog a black lab saying it is him.
Maybe I am just going insane I feel like someone cut my heart out not a day goes by without I cry for him my warm gentle sensitive son I tried so hard to save him, but noone can be with someone 24/7.
My daughter tells me to think of the living what I do have but it is too soon I have to wait for the blackness to ease. I tell people make the most of time with people you love as time is the one thing you canāt get back.
I canāt bring myself to do anything with his ashes hes my baby partbof me not a plaque in a wall! One day I will be able to decide where his ashes will go. Now I wait for the blackness to decrease. I miss my son part of my flesh every single moment.
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Hello All
Your posts have helped me make the decision that Samās ashes will stay with me, and I will put his ashes in the great big pot with the skimmia plant in that I have ready, to appease my ex husband I will scatter just a few ashes up at the tree on the A46. When Sam was here and for over 12 years he went snowboarding with his friends and I let them have a few ashes to scatter on the mountainside where he always snowboarded from. I have got into a routine each morning of going into the other room where I have his urn and his photos out and saying good morning and talking to him about every and anything that I think is the reason I am finding it hard for him to go.
with love Helen
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It is so important is nāt it to find the right thing to do with your loved ones ashes.
My son Chris died of cancer on 22nd November 2016 aged 36, so like all of you I am struggling on so many different levels.
I wanted to celebrate the things and places in life that Chris really loved, so I am going to scatter his ashes at Manorbier beach, Snowdonia, and Hawkshead. Places where he worked, and loved. I have already been to Manorbier, and found the experience amazingly profound and liberating. I knew it was exactly what Chris would have wanted.
But like you, Samās Mum, I want some of his ashes near me, so they are scattered amongst the snowdrops, and mixed in the soil of a tree I bought on his birthday.
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Dear Wynne, I truly feel for you, I lost my 43 year old son on 12th March. And I am finding it hard to cope. I have a daughter who is also finding it very hard. If you wish to chat to me it may help us both.
Pollyanna66
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Hello Anneka
This is a path I never ever thought I would walk but here I am. Iāve been reading the posts and thatās what made the decision for me. That and I truly believe that your energy never leaves where you want to be so whether in a dream or in my head I know Sam doesnāt want to be up near the A46. He will stay close. Thank you all for your thoughts but Anneka you are right you have to make the right decision and I know now I have. Love Helen
Hello everyone. I am writing this at five. A M , the usual hour for me to wake. I always have dreams of Chris. And anger at his passing . I too chat to him and get answers so like him, I am sure it is not my imagination. Yesterday was one month from his cremation. We had a celebration of his life after, and we all went to a tree on the common near us after the ceremony and put a pink tulip round the base .pink tulips represent friendship and love, very apt I think. The tulips have faded now and had to be removed. However w e have been so touched by the flowers people leave by the tree since. Nothing can help. With the pain and loss I feel. It is heartbreaking to read all of your stories, and feel your pain. It is only just over six weeks, since my son died. I was hoping things would get easier, but reading all of your stories, I must face the fact that I have a long road ahead of me.
I know I am leaning too heavily on my daughter, and I am blessed to have her, but fear she cannot cope with my pain as well. I am afraid I will lose her too in an emotional way. That I cannot bear. I have thought of trying the doctor, but our surgery is so overworked. It failed my son when he needed it . Even though he had been diagnosed with cancer, they dismissed the Lump under his arm as a cyst!!! So I donāt want to go to them.
Sorry to waffle on, but this website is, at least, a way of sharing my grief with people who truly understand.
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Hello Polyanna,
I am so sorry to read of your loss, I too lost my son to cancer a brain tumour. He first had it operated on in January 2013 and by May 16 I thought we were out of the woods, how wrong can someone be, he was re-diagnosed in August '16 and died here at home with me in the December. I too wake early but by about 7 tonight I wont be able to keep my eyes open but neither will I be able to shut them as I see Samās face as he took his last breath. For all of that I am glad that he remained here with me throughout. I talk to Sam all day silly inconsequential things, but I know he is around as I can feel him and I have had proof and like you I get answers. It is a long long road, but someone who had lost their daughter said to me it is tiny tiny steps and the hurt and anger fade but the love doesnāt.
With love Helen
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Thank you SAMs mum. I do hope that after so long that you have found a way to get on with life. At the moment I can see no way ahead, but the world goes on , and so must I. Chris would not have w anted me to live the rest of my life in sadness.
Pollyanna66
I try to get on and to a degree I try to enjoy different things, but always with a tinge of sadness that Sam is not here, he was my friend as well as my son and we always had a laugh together. I have so many many different memories and stories of Sam which I call on and reflect on especially when Iām really low. Times when we went shopping I wanted to get a topā¦he said thatās something Natalie would wear ( his ex girlfriend)ā¦then I started messing about and trying on hats and things and he started laughing telling people nearby in the shop I was nothing to do with him! and so many other stories as on my 60th birthday. So I can then carry on for a while longer.
xHelen
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Hi Polyanna66, I also lost my daughter 33 more than a year ago now. I feel your pain and understand how excruciating it is. I still feel that Iām merely surviving. Life is like an existence. Life is going on around us and we just float along but somehow we get through. Every day has its difficulties but especially leading up to any event or special occasion. I donāt know how Iāve got through some of those. Knowing that people remember your son by visiting with flowers must be a comfort.The place where my daughter worked had a lovely memorial service for her and made a beautiful area in their garden with a bench where she can be remembered. It was an emotional day, comforting that she was loved and missed, but sad when to think that she should still be there working her socks off as she had done for 10 years. We have 2 grand children who help us through and give us purpose.
Love to all. X
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Dear all, I read with such sadness all our own personal stories where we have lost our most precious of jewels. We share so much in common and you can feel the profound lost in all our words. It is so hard to keep going each day as their physical presence is no longer with us. I keep wanting to send Daniel a quick text or share a funny story. He was so much part of our lives and now that has all gone. Today I will have my first counselling session so will see how that goes. For the moment I have decided not to take medication but try to use other ways to overcome the panic attacks and flash backs. It is so important I feel to keep talking about our children and to remember the good times but of course that brings back many emotions too. Sending you all love and strength. Wynne
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Hello Wynne,
I would welcome what you think of the counselling session as I may see about some for myself.
love Helen
HI all
Yesterday I attended my first social function since Chrisās death. What I would have found amusing and enjoyable now seems meaningless. I can face individual friends but not crowds.
I have read the same pain in all of your posts. We are just existing. My love goes ut to you all. I have considered councilling, but cannot face going to my doctors for help., as last time I went for an ailments when Chris was Iāll they dismissed my condition as stress, and were quite dismissive.
Hello wynne , how was the counselling session did you find it helped you? I have seen a counsellor since January she is lovely I tell her everything but, all she says it is early days well I know that,nothing brings any reliefā¦ I just want my Dawn back and nobody can do that. I am seeing a medium again on Saturday so hope she can give me anything to let me know she is still around I feel quite excited as the last one was useless. Am I going mad some times I think I am? love to all of you Maddie 49