Dear Maddie, Marina, Helen and all dear parents, My heart goes out to all of us who have now joined this club which none of us ever thought we would be part of. Trying to keep going whether it be the daily routines or the holidays now for me just feels like I am playing a role on life’s stage. It is rare when I don’t think of Daniel or a place or item or song brings him to the forefront of my mind. The constant wishing and wanting him back in our lives remains as strong as ever. Last week I went to the hospital for a Minor procedure and the nurse who was trying to be kind asked if I had any children. I just broke down and wept and could not answer. She thought I was in physical pain from the procedure but it was my heart again being broken in pieces. Of course I know we have to go on but it is so very hard and I envy the Wynne of the past who was so carefree. Sending you all love.
Hi Wynne, you describe it perfectly, a role on life’s stage with our children constantly on our minds. How we wish we could turn back the clock but we can’t. This is our new life and in it we will always feel the pain. I’m hoping we will somehow cope better in this new life and be able to remember the joy our children brought us. The life we had before was so good because our children were in it with us. They taught us the meaning of love and life. What has happened can shape us but not define us.
Keep sharing your thoughts everyone, it helps to sort our minds, little by little.
Love to all x
Dear Wynne,
You have described our situation so well. I too now feel as though I am having to act much of the time, partly for other people and partly to keep myself on an even keel.
We are on holiday in Spain at the moment but still thinking of Gemma all the time and wishing with all my heart that things had been different.
I am going to an event on Saturday evening being held in memory of Gems and another young person who also took his own life, Jack, to raise funds for Mind. I am dreading it!
Take care everyone and much love to you all. xxxx
Hello Wynne, Helen Marina Victoria, and all, it seems everything everyone has posted on hear, is exactly how I feel, especialy the acting , putting on the smile as not depress everyone around you, when inside you are dying.Helen have you heard from Gerrant yet? Sarah has actualy sent us a 50th wedding anniversary card , alough its the plainest card you have ever seen, but atleast she has sent one, but we still have not spoken in 8 weeks . I cannot believe we will all be coming up to 2nd anniversary soon how have we all got through this harrowing time , things are as raw as ever. ,but I am so looking forward getting back from ST lucia as I am going to see another medium and she is suppose to be very good. Oh Helen have you seen Marcus lately, as I know you said is very good. Wynne I hope you are feeling a bit better after your awful time at the hospital. ? Love to everyone Maddie xx
Hi Wynne
I had a similar experience yesterday…I was in Tesco’s when I bumped into a person that Christian and I both knew from when we both worked at the same company a few years ago…she asked how I was and then she asked how Christian was…at first I was going to say…he’s fine but then I thought I have to tell the truth and I said Christian died just before Christmas last year and then the tears came…to say to someone that he had died made the reality of it seem very real and it’s something even after nine months I am finding it very difficult to accept…
Love to all on this forum…Marina xxx
Marina, I am so sorry that you have been faced with that situation. Saying those words… it’s very very difficult. Only once have I been in that position, I said “passed away” and I wanted to run for the hills! I could not say “died”. It’s like admission.
It’s my husband’s birthday today (mine is also coming up soon). I know he is struggling and we continue to put on a front for others. So much seems pointless but the acting isn’t because its to protects others.
Take care x
Hello Maddie
Geraint came with Hannah his wife today to pick up Stanley, as I was on school duty and this week they are doing mornings with their dinner…they picked him up around 6pm. He came in the (I can only call it a bus!!) car having already picked up the twins from nursery…Bear in mind they have 2 cars so he could reasonably picked up the twins and she could have picked up Stan .Hannah was with him…he went up the road in the car and waited while Hannah got Stanley, Ger wouldn’t even look my way kept his head turned. Hannah was her usual self but they had gone in around 5 minutes. I wonder why I keep the thread going…I know why because Stanley has done nothing wrong…and I want to have a good relationship with him. This is the first time ever I have stood my ground with Geraint, I personally think Hannah is working behind the scenes, they have two cars so he could have gone and picked up the twins from nursery and she in the other car could have got Stanley from me. I have seen Marcus, he was amazing mentioning Roy my stepdad ( who passed on the 9th June exactly 18 months after Sam) and Pat my mum…he also told me Sam is appalled at Ger and will try and sort it? Which is why I think he is somewhere in the mechanism especially with Hannah as both her and Sam were so close. It almost destroyed me tonight to see my eldest son not even look at me …but somehow (please don’t ask me how) I smiled for Stan and Hannah, yet inside I crumbled…but he should know I am made of sterner stuff.
with love Helen
Hello All
I found this quote from Buddha, which sums Sam up because he was such a gentle soul,
In the end only three things matter: How much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.
Helen such lovely words everything you portray on here is everything we are going through, life has changed so much we are going through the motions , but it all seems like everyone else say it is acting, ,we have been out today to do last minute shopping with friends and had ameal out , but now have come home andfeel so depressed , as Saturday night is when Dawn passed and its the worst night of the week , and everything we go through I cannot get over the last night she passed, I think it will haunt me forever seeing her take her last breath. Giving her life in 1969 and watching her taken in 2016. so sorry to be so depressing , but I cannot seem to move on . hugs to everyone Maddie x
Dear All,
Maddie please don’t apologise for being sad. This is the one place where I feel I can honest and open about how I feel and I hope everyone feels the same.
I too feel as though I am acting but sometimes feel detached from everyone but we do the best we can.
Much love xxx
Hello Maddie,
Please like Victoria said don’t apologise, everyone on here feels the same. I too like you saw Sam take his last breath, and my mum shielded me while the funeral directors came to take him away. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to go near a hospital again, that would have been easier for me. But I had to be brave very brave for Sam. I am still trying to be brave and he knows that. Like all of us here we are doing our level best to cope: -
Grief is like the ocean it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming
All we can do is learn to swim
A poem by Vicki Harrison which sums it up really
With love
Helen
Hello Helen, Maddie, Victoria and all friends. Just finding today very hard and keep having flash backs of Daniel’s last few weeks. How are you copying.? I saw a feather on the step inside a building and wondered if it was a message. I just can’t really move on and my heart is broken in pieces. Feel so very tired too. Can’t make sense of the new reality. Grief is all consuming today. Sorry but I hope you are all copying better. With love Wynne
Hello Wynne,
Like you I’m finding today hard, I keep breaking down and crying today even when I was in Asda food shopping. It’s Sam’s birthday next Wednesday 17th and all his friends have invited us out for a meal to celebrate his life, his friend Jason has posted again on Facebook …miss this fella so much, I forget that it’s not just me who is suffering, Jason and Sam were so close you never saw one without the other. So Wynne, like the poem said grief is like the ocean it comes in waves. When I was crying I could see Sam looking at me and saying get a grip!! But I know he is all around me, and yes the feather was definitely a sign.
with love Helen
Hi all, feeling the same this week suffocating heartbreaking sadness have managed to play my part in work as the alternative of staying home is unbearable. 6 months now since I last saw my Sammo have just downloaded a new book on grief that I have found somewhat helpful and hoping to change a bit of my repeatative thinking over the next few weeks. Love to all you warriors xx
Dear All,
My heart goes out to you all. I had a very bad weekend just so tearful. It feels like a never ending nightmare.
I did meet with occupational health this week and have decided to go back to work. I am hoping it will help but if I can’t cope I will retire gracefully.
Sally, I would be interested in the book if you find it helpful.
Much love to you all xxx
Hi there,
The book is it’s ok that your not ok by Megan Devine I have found it interesting so far also a post on compassionate friends today was informative around secondary grief I will look it up and share the link . Well done to you for giving work a go as someone said to me when I was contemplating returning - you don’t have to stay if it doesn’t work out I find that even though I have to force myself some days I have always felt better when there and so far haven’t had to come back home.
Good luck with it and either way is right, it’s just about distraction for me.
Much love to all,
Sal xx
Hello Helen ,Wynne , Victoria and all. well we are back from St Lucia , which was suppose to be a celebration for a 50th wedding anniversary, but was there to celebrate , our daughter Sarah did not even wish us best wishes , even though she did send us a acard if you could call it that, and the worse possible was our beloved daughter Dawn was not there , she would never had made us suffer like that. Since getting back just cannot seem to stop crying, just keep re living thE last year of Dawns life, we did go out today and buy a beautiful solar light to put on the grave , and Tuesday seeing a medium with my sister in law , who has lost her lovely grandson and husband, so hope we pick something , I think it will be the only thing to keep me going through, the anniversary and the dreaded xmas. Like you Wynne my heart is broken in tiny pieces. Love to all of you . Maddie xx
Oh dear Maddie, Helen, Sally and Victoria and all others, I am so sorry to hear how you are suffering, Maddie, it is hard enough losing your precious Dawn but when others hurt us it drives the knife down more into our already shattered hearts. I hope you have some answers tomorrow. I am tempted to also see a medium but also scared. Daniel was a very spiritual and peace loved son but had no real time for religion but supported me when I went to church. I wish I had talked more to him about the afterlife. Since his death I have found no comfort at all in my catholic religion despite the priest knocking on the door and saying he was praying for my return. I find now that I try to surround myself with good people who are givers rather than takers. It is not easy and like so many even though the months are passing I seem to yearn even more to have Daniel back. Reliving all the horror and having flashbacks just never seems to diminish. So very hard for all of us. Big hugs to you all. Wynne
Hello Wynne & Maddie & all here
Like you Wynne, I yearn to have Sam back, but not if it meant that he would be locked in his own body which the Dr says could have happened had the tumour grown the other way. I talk to Sam all the time, Maddie like you I have heard nothing from Geraint the few times that he has had to come here he drops Stanley off my grandson and will not look at me and says to Stanley, I love you buddy! so yes Wynne each time the knife goes deeper. It is Sam’s birthday on Wednesday so I wonder what Geraint will do. I too like Daniel didn’t have any time for religion but am very spiritual. I begged God on bended knees every day to let Sam survive yet God turned a deaf ear, so I now know that he is not there but there is definitely our spirit as I can feel Sam all the time. All we can do is try and cope exactly what Daniel, Dawn and Sam would expect.
with love Helen
Hi Helen, will be thinking of you on Wednesday, Sams birthday just another painful day to get through , so hoping you will surrounded with people who know what you are going through. Sarah contacted us while we were still in St Lucia, but the damage was done no anniversary wishes on the day, she asked if we should get together and talk, but tell you the truth I feel so hurt I am not in a hurry to see her, as Dawn would never of treated us this way. What away to celebrate a 50th anniversary, but that is life now no joy just misery and pain . At least might get something from medium tomorrow , that would be the best thing that could happen. . Love Maddie x