I am so sorry for your loss and I definitely know how you
feel . When I see someone that is my son’s age I get resentful I know it isn’t their fault but that’s how I feel. I don’t think we will keep feeling like that but right now it’s overwhelming and that’s okay. One of my coworkers had her son come into the office the other day, and he reminded me of my son. I just want it to go up to him and give him a big hug. So you never know how you might feel. Grief messes with your brain. 
2 Likes
Thank you for your lovely words, Michelle. You are so kind and thoughtful. I think I struggle because as a mum I should have kept my children safe, that’s my job and I couldn’t keep Gemma safe. Just wish I could turn back the clock and be aware of the signs which were there.
You must be so proud of Matt’s bench. Such a lovely tribute to your amazing son and how lovely for your girls too. You should be so proud of yourself for organising it xxx
4 Likes
I understand the ferlings of resentment and the endless questions.
Why can’t I still have my son?
What else could I / should I have done?
Why? Why? Oh why did i have to lose someone so precious? He had so much more to do and so much more to give .
Yes “grief messes with your brain” and with every other part of you and your life. Nothing can ever be the same again and perhaps, when we feel ready to accept that, thngs will change.
Until.then , we just do the best we can and try to be the best we can.
4 Likes
Dear Victoria
I’m so sorry to read you’ve been having those thoughts of letting Gemma down 
me too. I should have seen Henry’s problems and not listened to him assuring me he was fine. I’ve been giving myself a hard time…sounds like you have too.
Neither of us are mind readers though…at the time as now….all we can do is what we believe to be right. We are all juggling so many balls all the time.
we love our children every day regardless of where they are…we will be reunited…it’s just the missing them we need to manage. It’s a big pile of sh&t though 
PM me if you’d like to meet up.
Sending you so much love
Purple x
5 Likes
Hi Purple,
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I also listened to Gemma when she said she was okay. I should have looked beyond that and deeper into her eyes. A day before we lost her she posted a desperately sad message on Twitter. But because I don’t do Twitter, I never saw it. That is what haunts me.
I would love to meet up again. I’ll message you and arrange a date. I hope you are doing okay. Much love xxx
2 Likes
Good morning everyone this is the second day that I have woke up with my heart not feeling so heavy and this gives me hope. I am going to go on another walk today and also go out to the store just to be around some people and see how I feel about it. Right now I feel pretty good but it’s early in the day and you never know what the rest of the day will bring, but right now I am going to take advantage of my reprieve from my grief. I hope today is good for everyone if only just a little.
2 Likes
Good for you, girl!
1 Like
Well done you. That is so brave. It is not easy to face the world when you have been through what we all have. Enjoy the sun on your face and remember it is baby steps. You will be in my thoughts today.
Big hugs to you 
2 Likes
Thank you everyone now I am sitting on top of grief Hill. That’s what I call it it’s my special place where I come and I sit and cry if I need to or just enjoy the view of the lake. It’s peaceful and quiet. It’s my spot where I’ve gone to deal with a lot of different things.
1 Like
I would like to share a photo but I don’t know how to do that on here.
Hi Racy, I had a lot of trouble posting photos, but I got there.
In the reply box, at the top, there is a little picture icon, if you hover on it it says Upload. Click and it takes you to an Add an image box, and you should be able to go from there. (My problem was that I have to do this from my laptop, my phone doesn’t have the icon for some unknown reason so I was constantly frustrated. Not all my photos are on the PC.)
Hope this helps, Ann xx
1 Like
One picture is where I was this morning a picture of the lake and the other picture is a picture of my son Theo,
5 Likes
Beautiful photos Racy. Theo has the most gorgeous smile. The lake looks so peaceful.
I’m sitting in my garden but just can’t stop crying as usually on such a nice afternoon Andrew would come round with Ash. I just can’t bear the fact that I’ll never see him again or hug him. I’m so unhappy…it’s indescribable.
Sue xxxx
3 Likes
Thank you Sue, I’m sorry to hear that you are not feeling so good right now.
Don’t think I didn’t cry when I was up on Grief hill because I did. Like I’ve mentioned before weekends are the hardest because usually on the weekends I would spend some time with Theo. I would sit here on weekends and cry and feel miserable. I still cry everyday I weld up in tears when I posted that picture.
Yesterday I took out Theo’ picture for the first time and talk to it and cried. I wouldn’t have been able to look at his picture a couple of months ago.
I hope you get Some reprieve from your grief during the day. It doesn’t happen often for me but today I had some reprieve and I thank God for that. I really feel your pain and am sorry we all have to go through these ups and downs. It’s hard.
2 Likes
Thanks Racy,
It’s strange that we all cope with the pain in different ways…apart from the crying of course.
When it was Andrew’s funeral I had about 200 photos of him printed out and had to pun them all on photo boards to be displayed at the celebration of his life.
Some were of him as a baby, a little boy, teenager but the majority were of him as an adult. I had severe palpitations by the time I’d finished but I love looking at him in photos. I was playing back a WhatsApp video today of him laughing at Ash…I love to still hear him laugh and his lovely voice. My partner can’t listen…it upsets him too much.
I find that everything I do, eat, watch on tv…even brushing my teeth…reminds me of Andrew so you can just imagine how many tears flow each day.
My best time is usually late evening, probably helped by a few stiff drinks. As a rule I sleep reasonably well but always, always wake up with awful palpitations as I face another day without him.
Perhaps I need to go for a walk…like you. If I was brave enough to go detecting without him I could do that but for now that would be a step too far. Those days, out together…sharing our finds and just enjoying being out in the countryside…are gone now, forever 
Sue xxxxx
3 Likes
Sue I did the same thing as far as making a poster board of all of Theo’s pictures at his memorial. At that time I could look at all of his pictures and not shed a tear. After the memorial I couldn’t bear to look at his pictures or if I heard his name on TV or anything that reminded me of him I could not listen to it. I mentioned before that I was in denial for months. I was going to work going out doing the normal things that I did before he died.
My sister even said you are handling this really well. I thought I was too, but denial is a strong thing and when you come out of it which I did 4 months later the dam broke. I just started going out for walks on the weekends, I used to walk all the time. Work is a distraction but also it’s hard because you have to put on an act and and sometimes hold back tears. People think that you are back to normal but you know you are not.
I can really say that since I’ve been on this site it has helped me to release my feelings and also it gives me comfort to talk to people who are going through it and really understand what grief is all about.
I still don’t like being around a bunch of people I’m not there yet,. I am trying to have a balance. Go out a little and be home and be still and not run away from my feelings. Grief it’s like having another job.
4 Likes
Another lovely boy, your Theo.
I wish there was something that helped, but I haven’t found it yet, we have to take our own time.
Sue, we had photo boards for Kath’s funeral, but I couldn’t do them, her sister did. But I like to look at them. Katherine was a beautiful baby and little girl, but we had one board of the wedding which brings very bittersweet memories. I have only found one tiny video from last year, wish there was more.
Racy I also feel better for getting out for a walk in nature.
But as you say this site is a godsend, we don’t have to explain or apologise, and we all try to support and comfort each other.
Much love to you both, and everyone else here 
Ann xx
4 Likes
Hi every one . Sue , racy. I live on the edge of the moors. When Sam died I would go up there wandering over the hills for miles sometimes in the wind and rain. But I was that numb I didn’t feel the weather. Not sure wether it helped or not but it gave me the chance to get away from everything. My ex wife ( sam’s mum). Turned her house in to a shrine. A million picture of him everywhere you looked. She had his clothes made in to teddy bears. He donated all his organs even his skin for the burns unit. His choice. My ex had her name in the paper receiving certificates about his organ donation. She met a couple of people who benefited from my boy. She had a bench erected in the local park. She would rite a million messages on his Facebook. I was the complete opposite. Never been to his bench. We have one picture in the house. I’ve never met his organ recipients… I didn’t want any of his ashes.
I found writing about him was my way of keeping him with me. I’ve wrote a book about his life.
What you are saying about everything making you cry sue. I was exactly the same. You can link absolutely everything and anything to your son. It’s because you are so emotional everything about your everyday life is somehow or other related .
For at least the first year I was a proper mess. I couldn’t open a bag of crisps without crying. How my wife put up with me I’ll never know.
All I can say is don’t put a time on it. There is no rule book about when you should not feel as a bad as you are. There were so many things I couldn’t do in the beginning. But it does eventually come back to you. You can start doing all the stuff you need to do. It’s not a race. It takes as long as it takes. I missed my son so much I thought I would die without him such was my pain.
But I’m still here. One day you will look back and see how far you have come. Jim
7 Likes
Thank you and thank you for showing me how to post the pictures. I actually did it on my cell phone.
2 Likes
We help each other. SueDav told me how to do it when I was struggling.( but as I said the icon isn’t there on my phone, only on my laptop, no one seems to know why.)
2 Likes