Dear Kate,
I totally understand bow your sister made you want to scream and upset you, it’s almost like because we put on this brave face and act like we are coping some people seem to think we have moved on, you almost want have the words tattooed on your forehead "I will grieve for my precious child for the rest of my life, every waking moment they are in our thoughts and unless you have walked in our shoes you will never ever know how we feel 
" we can rant on here as much as we like as no-one will ever judge us and everyone gets us, , you always help to lift others and I can imagine you even tried to lift your sister even though you also wanted to scream at her. Take care my friend 
Much love from Michelle xxxx
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I agree with you Racy. Thoughtless people can so often say the wrong thing when we are on our knees. We live in a society when, unless they lose a child, people usually have no idea the pain we are suffering and many don’t want to even think of the worst happening in their family. Death is regularly pushed under the carpet and is often a taboo subject. Leaving those left behind feeling isolated, just when kind support is what they need. We are all going to die, sooner or later and yet so few people are even prepared to admit even their own mortality, let alone the horrendous feelings of loss when someone they know loses a child. I’ve had some of the people I’ve known for years turn away, they don’t know what to say and they seem to somehow feel that my grief is in some way infectious and a few words of kindness seem beyond their capabilities. Talking to those who have supported me they all say ‘some people just don’t know how to respond so they disappear instead’ I’ve even had people say ‘get in touch when you are feeling better’. I needed friends to be there for me when I’m grieving not some conditional friendship which relies on me pretending to be ok to make them feel better. I’ve been lucky I’ve got some rock solid friends who frankly, kept me going when I saw no purpose in carrying on at all. They let me cry, they didn’t tell me to pull myself together, they acknowledged the tragedy and stood with me. I’ve had close relations who thought I needed to pull myself together, though they weren’t prepared to stop and think how I might be feeling. Those relations and those so called friends who turned away may suddenly think (if they aren’t to scared to think about death at all) when I’m ‘better’ (their term not mine) they can can just pick up our relationship again at a time to suit them. I will be polite cos I’m exhausted and haven’t got the energy to try and make them understand, but I doubt I will ever feel that closeness with them again. I realise that if I want any kind of meaningful life after my daughters death I need to look to myself to find a way forward. Gratefully taking support from those who are open minded enough to understand that when you lose a child it’s the most horrendous ordeal and you don’t walk away from the funeral mended and ready to go back to life as it was. Those days are gone, but we can slowly, slowly build some sort of different life, taking each day as it comes as best we can. We are alive and suffering the worst sort of pain. I have decided to let the ‘fairweather’ friends alone and focus on starting to cope with the help and support of those who do care and are capable of watching us suffer, knowing they can’t make it OK but they can give us a hug and listen. This online community holds out its arms and love to each of us and we know they understand and have the patience and insight to share, each with one another. I wish everyone who has lost a child some peace and some care. We need it and we deserve it. Xx
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Thankyou Michelle. You’re right, I managed to say that we get by anyway we can and they had very long life together.
Then after coming off the phone I just fell apart at the seems.
Hey Ho, it’s another day, another week and we carry on.
Love to you dear Kate xx
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Dear Neil and all friends. Yes, you are spot on. I was amazed at the total crap that came out of the mouths of some so-called friends. Equally amazed at the people who crossed the street to scoop me in to their arms, rocking me to give me a sense of being cared for and understood. To two husbands of acquaintances, rather than friends, who stood trembling with grief for us on our doorstep, tears streaming down their faces. To an ex neighbour who turned up at the door, so overwhelmed by grief she couldn’t speak , handing me a shepherds pie she had made. Funny really, I got her in the house and made her a cuppa to calm her.
To those friends who were there all the time, cooking for us, holding our hands as we wept, helping us make the floral tributes for the funeral, a team effort by those who wanted to do something, anything to help us.
So, after the storms earlier this year our garden was devastated. Having had the fallen trees dealt with we are now at the stage of replanting. Alan has been buying some weeping varieties to plant along the now bare boundaries. He wants to have these friends round for bbq and get each one to plant a tree in Lisa’s memory. I know it will be emotional but I also know they will all want to do this.
Losing a child makes us so aware of who was there and who was not. Like you say, we cut loose those who didn’t know what to say. They don’t need us and we certainly don’t need them.
Sending love and hugs.
Kate xxx
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Oh I forgot to say about recognising our own mortality.
I recently went to our solicitors to change my will. I took put two life insurance policies when each of our girls were born.
Of course the proceeds would have been divided between Jemma and Lisa. So I had to make it that our granddaughter Brooke would be the recipient of half the money.
Trish, our solicitor said it was unusual for people to openly discuss their death and wishes for their estate. She said a lot of people feel they are ‘tempting fate’. Anyway, I was uplifted when I left the office, just knowing that Jemma and now Brooke would have a good pot of money to help them along.
Life will never be the same for us but it’s on the cards we are all going to die so why not face up to it. Crazy crazy!
Love to all, Kate
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Thank you Michelle yes walking out in nature is so refreshing and peaceful
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Oh my gosh Neil you hit the nail on the head. People act like you are contagious while grieving. Earlier on in my grief some of my coworkers invited me out to dinner, but I didn’t go because I know they would be laughing and talking about they’re teenagers and adult children and they might have thrown in something about Theo and then went back to talking about their lives. I couldn’t deal with that at that time and I still can’t. I know this because one of my co-workers asked me how was my weekend and I said not good weekends aren’t good for me and she said oh I’m sorry and then change the subject asking me was I going to go to some event that was happening that month. She totally changed the subject. 
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Morning Racy and everyone,
I haven’t had to face any of my work colleagues yet…thank goodness. I don’t think I’ll be seeing them for a long while.
I have 2 sisters who have been here for me although both have their own lives and their children so won’t 100% understand how I’m feeling. My youngest sisters daughter is expecting her first child any day now and her son is due to move into his dream house soon with his partner. I sit and smile and try to look happy for them but it’s so hard.
I’m having a weepy morning…as usual.
Have read all the posts…agree with them all. Missing Andrew so much 
.
Sue xxxx
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Good morning Sue I totally understand your feelings. It sucks that some of your family members don’t get it. I am off to work in a little bit and I have to put on that happy face. It’s so hard to pretend at work it takes up a lot of your energy. My thing now is I cry every morning before I go to work and then try to pull myself together before I get there. It’s so hard some days a wave of sadness will hit you and make you miss them so much and you feel it in the depth of your soul. I had a coworker come over to my cubby and she started talking about a guy she knew and the situation she was in and how it made her feel and at that moment in my head I was like really? It takes all my energy to actually focus on things to do at work I’m really not in the mood to hear about your tragic relationship which wasn’t even a relationship, but she went on and on and I kind of sort of listened. I thought to myself boy wouldn’t it be nice if you would listen to my grief like I sit here listening to your trivial situation but, It was all about her. I hope things get better for all of us they have to
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I think we’ve all been there where people either don’t show up at all for you, or just don’t get it. But none of us got it, until it happened to us. Some people have no idea what to say, the kinder ones don’t want to upset us more, assume we don’t want to talk about ‘it’, but if only they realised a hug and a genuine ‘I’m so sorry’ is all we want from them.
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I occasionally go to a shop that sells plant, tubs, baskets etc. The owner is Vietnamese. I passed the other day, in conversation asked how she was and she said she lost her husband a few months ago. I told her about Kath and we just clung to each other, sobbing.
Life can be so sad.
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You are so right it’s sad but yes I guess I didn’t realize the extent of someone’s grief until it happened to me. Through all this pain I tell you now that I understand and will be better with handling someone else’s grief. One of my coworkers lost their mother about a month after I lost Theo. No one at work talks to her about it, but I do. I ask her house she’s feeling and how she’s getting along and she will open up to me maybe with some tears in her eyes and tears in my eyes because I feel her pain, but at least she knows I don’t feel like she has leprosy and I care.
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You are right there. I had lost my parents and my partner and both times it was grim, but I had no idea that the loss of a child of any age is so literally devastating, overwhelming beyond anything I have ever felt. Coming on here at first I felt worse, seeing so much grief. Within days though I began to realise that actually I wasn’t the only one to feel like I did. That feeling of recognition between us all has been a chink of light for me. Seeing what others, who are further down the path, contribute and how they have survived is like a beacon of hope for me. I don’t know anybody else who has lost a child at all so without this place I would be thinking that my thoughts and emotions were way off the scale, but now I know we all struggle to manage losing the children we brought into the world. There’s no easy answers but there is understanding and sharing. X
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Hi all the last two days .i feel very sad very angry .we all dont deserve this .i feel my hearts ripped out just want sam back i feel i cant breath its so wrong zoe x
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This just sums it up for all of us 
Love to all from Michelle xxxx
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I have been reading all your post
On Thursday it will be my Louise’s birthday the first one without her.I won’t say would have but will be 45.I hope it’s the build up that’s worst because at the moment I can’t think of anything else
I remember like yesterday the day she was born.It was a really hot day and the buses were on strike. Funny how I forgot about it and what triggers memories
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The memories just remind us of how wonderful our children were and how empty life is without them.
Yes the build up is worse than the actual day.
Be kind to yourself and take comfort from all friends here thinking of you.
Much love Kate x
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I hope thursday is bearable for you Kath, we will all be thinking of you. Andrew’s birthday is not until 5th July. He was my summer baby…my other son is my winter baby, born in November.
I went to see Ewan today. Since becoming adults the two haven’t really seen much of each other. Seeing him today it was as if nothing was wrong…in his life. No mention of Andrew, unless I mentioned him.
I came away feeling more bereft than ever. I love both my sons but Andrew was on the same wavelength as me. I miss him more than I ever believed it was possible to miss a person. Knowing I’m never going to see him again is almost unbearable…I know I’ll survive but today I don’t know how I will.
How do we live knowing we’ll never see our babies again?? This is torture.
Sorry to be so down and depressing but I so unhappy and sad.
Love Sue xxxx
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Dear Sue, this is why losing a child is so much worse than any other loss. They are our babies, we brought them into the world after carrying them for 9 months or whatever, we were there when they took their first breath, we watched them grow and learn to walk and talk, on through their lives, we cared for them, we love them like nothing else in creation, we would do ANYTHING to protect them. And in the end we couldn’t. And we can’t take it, it’s too much.
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