Hi Zoe,
There are a lot of weird things in this world we don’t understand. (I wonder if our children understand them now, where they are?)
I have a thing with birthdays and the number 2. Every single person in my immediate family have a 2 in their date. My mother, father, me, my 3 children and my grandchildren. Don’t know if it means anything, but it’s a bit unusual.
Hope you get a good night and are feeling a bit better.
Love and hugs 
🫂 Ann xx
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I can’t yet look at pictures of my daughter or look at her texts. Yesterday the police asked me to go back and screenshot the last few texts between us. I couldn’t event remember how to do that, so she asked to me read them out to her. There was nothing but love in those texts but it was so painful to read them out to a police woman just doing her job, she was kind but I had to do that, at the wrong time for me. I still don’t want to re-read them, police still want the screenshots so today I’m gonna ask a friend to do it for me. I had been feeling a tiny bit better, then that whole thing left me feeling crushed again. I’m gonna go sort that with a friend now, so it’s done. Then I can have another cry and accept today isn’t looking too good but maybe tomorrow might be better. Best wishes to you xx
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O’Neill I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s hard looking at past texts. I found out last week when I was reading past text from my son and after that I was crushed for days. Some people can do that but I found out that I cannot. For some it’s so hard to go back and look at pictures and texts. I hope your day gets better much love.
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Such truthful words Victoria, I think we all can relate to them, and somehow I found them quiet comforting. I’m positive our son’s and daughter’s are looking over us and helping to guide us through this life without them. Marina xxx
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Oh Nell,
I’m sorry you are having such a bad day. Well…a worse than usual day as to be honest every day is bad at the moment isn’t it?
I expect it’s just a matter of time when I’ll have to do the same thing…I’ve been told by the coroner that the police will need to speak to me. Luckily for me I don’t have a problem with reading Andrew’s texts or looking at his photos. Obviously it upsets me but it also makes me feel closer to him.
I’ve spent the last couple of hours sorting through heaps of clothes in my bedroom. I’ve always been a shopaholic and have so many summer clothes in bright colours ranging from size 12 to size 18, most still with the tags on them. I’m also a yoyo dieter. Unfortunately I’m size 18 at moment and couldn’t care less!
The thing was that at the end of last summer I bought lots of reduced price shorts for mine and Andrew’s detecting weekends for this year. It just had me in tears…you just don’t imagine in your wildest nightmares that these plans won’t happen. I also found 2 xmas dog toys that I planned to give Ash next xmas. He can still have them but Andrew won’t be here to see him play with them. It’s all just so heartbreaking. Having a good sob now then I have to get dressed to go visit my mother. I’d rather just pour a large gin but have to make an effort or I’ll just sit wallowing in self pity.
Hope you get your screenshots sorted…it took me years to work out how to do it…now I do it all the time.
Lots of love and hugs…Sue xxxxx
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I think so too Marina. They are with us…helping us…otherwise how would we have survived their leaving us here.
Big hugs
Purple x
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I just wanted to share this when I went to work this past Friday I was walking through the parking lot , and I saw an ambulance and I said to myself okay that’s not going to be a trigger for me just try to ignore it. Then as I was walking into the door in the entrance by the elevator sat a Gurney. I took the stairs and tried to get it out of my mind and said to myself okay I’ll be okay. Soon after that my day didn’t go too good and for the next day I felt so down. Even though I tried to talk myself out of it obviously the Gurney triggered something in me. I remember the staff in the hospital after my Theo passed standing on each side of the hall paying their respects while Theo was being wheeled down in a gurney to be taken off of life support. That Gurney in front of the elevator triggered me and I didn’t realize it until later. Some triggers can really set you back😞
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Thank you Victoria, Marina, Purple for your helpful words.
Hope they also help Nell, Sue and Racy. So sorry you are having such worse than even usual bad days.
Love to everyone here, including those I haven’t named.
Ann
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Do you know Racy…even brushing my teeth sets me off crying. You could guarantee that no matter how much time Andrew had had when I used to pick him up for our detecting he ALWAYS said " Hang on…just need to brush my teeth".
One of his very close friends came round his flat friday and I let him take as many of Andrew’s t shirts as he wanted. Amusingly he asked if he could take all of Andrew’s Calvin Klein boxers too and his socks. He texted me today to say he was wearing one of Andrew’s t shirts and it smelled of him.
I’ve got Andrew’s dressing gown and 2 big fleece throws that he used to pull over himself while he laid on settee watching tv.
He was in my life every day…either on the phone or popping round so I’m finding it very hard to get through without him 
How has today been for you…I hope a bit more peaceful for you?
Love and hugs Sue xxxxx
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Oh Sue I definitely know the feeling and it’s so sad that we have to go through this. Sounds like you and your son were best friends like Theo and I. Last week I was on Amazon looking to buy a metal detector that is something I have always wanted to do. It’s been a little better yesterday was awful. Telling that story made me cry again because it brings back painful memories for me, but in a way it’s good for me I need to get it out. I hope you are having an okay day if not good day.
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I understand how you feel, it is all heartbreaking and every day there’s something else painful.I’ve just taken my phone to a friend thinking I must be being a bit dim. Seems I can’t forward those texts, which are on what’s app, unless the police give me a what’s app contact. Now I’m really upset again. So I’ve taken my friends advice and emailed the police woman and said I’ve sent her a what’s app invite and if she accepts it I will forward them. I’m putting my phone aside and gonna try and focus on something else. I feel exhausted now. I know that this texts stuff is a blip rather than a full on set back so I’m going to try and remember that. I try and do things that I know are upsetting as soon as I can to get them out of the way, but when you are dealing with the police, coroner etc, everything goes at their pace. So could be days before I hear back to my email so it will be harder to put those thoughts of her last texts out of my head. I know I will have to look yet again and however prepared I’d like to be, it will bring it all back. Glad I’ve got this place to talk to people who get it. I hope your day is at least okish. X
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Dear Racy, that must have been so hard. Our triggers can be so random but well done for getting through that day … it is not easy so be proud of yourself.
I remember a few months after we lost Gemma. I offered to take a friend to a hospital appointment. As we were leaving, a young couple were also leaving … taking their brand new baby daughter home for the first time. I could feel the tears coming and literally ran for the door, I could hardly breathe and just sobbing. It brought back such memories of taking my precious girl home and how I wish that I could go back to that time and have her safely in my arms
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I totally understand that I find myself now going back to the younger years and thinking about how he grew up and the funny things he did as a child.
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Neil I understand how you feel when I was going through talking to the corner and police officers hospitals it was just a lot, but in the earlier days I handled it better because I was in total denial. If I had to deal with all that now I couldn’t hold it together.
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Today is somewhat better weekends are always hard but I did some laundry today vacuumed the floor clean the toilet (smile). My fiance is at work today so I am alone. I don’t like sitting in the house all day so I went out and got a breakfast sandwich and some cappuccino and as I call it I went up on Grief Hill. Right now I am sitting out in my car because I’m not ready to go in the house. Some days I don’t mind sitting alone but today is not one of those days.
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It’s just so unspeakably awful isn’t it.
I’ve been feeling very lethargic, no interest in anything, and my daughter says that’s ok, it’s only to be expected and that’s how she often feels. Sometimes one of us is a tiny bit more ‘up’ and can encourage the other.
But I was jerked out of feeling sorry for myself when I texted Kath’s husband to ask how he was . I haven’t seen that much of him recently.
He said he was just sad and depressed on a daily basis, though I know he tries to be brave. I didn’t need to see Kath every day, or even text every day, it was enough to know she was there. But Michael works from home, and was with her 24/7. Now he’s alone in the home they shared and I feel so sorry for him. They were such close friends and companions, rarely apart, and he is devastated, and I don’t really know how to help him.
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Oh Ann that’s how I felt on Saturday. I did absolutely nothing but sat and cried on and off. I feel for Michael it must be so hard for him being in the home alone when he spent so much time with her. That feeling of loneliness sets in deep sometimes. I try to sit with it most of the time but other times I have to get out even if it’s just sitting in my car like I am doing right now. It’s hard I know. Does he have friends nearby?
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Hi ladys thinking of you all .wish i had a magic wand .i sit in the garden alot .or go for a ride .when sam got poorly he spent days with jess and on the way jome amongst all sams pillows she would say home or ride .he would say ride .he would play all the songs he loved singing loud . Rubbish i called it rapping songs . They used to sit at the view in belvedere .where you can see all of london .they had there special time .till he got to poorly xxxlove to all zoe xx
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Hi Zoe hope you’re having a good day. I bet sitting in your lovely garden is peaceful and Serene. Even if I’m not interacting with anyone it helps when I go and sit out in nature.
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