Please please please don’t feel shame, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Feel PROUD that Theo was and is your son.
It is not strong to have no feelings, show no feelings.
It is strong to acknowledge your terrible loss of your beloved Theo, to allow yourself to feel and show grief because your love for him was -IS- so strong.
That is the only strength that matters, The strength you are showing in getting through this day by day.
You ARE strong Racy. Other people’s opinions really don’t matter. They are not in your shoes.
You and Theo matter, and we are here to support you as we all go on this unwanted journey.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Jack actually wanted to go to Kath (he loved her so much) and his sister Jess.
But Michael needs him just now, so I hope he stays with us a bit longer.
It all comes our way, guilt, anger, fear, regret - and many more. We’re trying to get it in some sort of order in our minds, hearts and souls. If you love so much you feel the pain so much. All of us are ordinary people trying to cope with the unthinkable. We are doing the best we can. Teddy you are doing the best you can. It honestly is good enough. Sod people who don’t get it, that’s their problem. Looks like everyone on here gets it and we know how very very hard it can be. We are with you and you are doing enough. If you can, and I know it can sound crass but if you can, be kind to yourself, like you are to others xxxx
Thank you everyone for your support it makes me feel seen, heard, and cared about. My mind tells me that I know that I shouldn’t feel that way, but sometimes that feeling comes up along with so many others… Being on here is helping me immensely it’s helping me learn, grieve and grow. I miss my Theo so so much.
Hi Ann, Christian had two beautiful staffies Fred and Ginger and it was these two darlings that helped me more than anything else in the first three years of losing Christian,then in 2020 little Fred was taken ill and we had to have him put to sleep, it broke my heart, but worse was to come when three months later Ginger died too. The only consolation for me was to think that wherever Christian was he would have Fred and Ginger with him.
Take care Marina xxx
Hi all. Had a conversation the other day with a friend. She has recently lost her father after a long illness. He had been on end of life for the best part of a year. She said it was actually a relief that he’s past away (he was 87). Because he was no longer suffering. She had made peace with herself. But also said she can be in a supermarket and pick up a tin of beans and suddenly she’ll burst out crying. She couldn’t understand why something so innocuous would cause her to break down.
I told her. After a loss, rational thought goes out the window.
A lot of the time there is no rhyme or reason to anything you do or how you think.
Some days you get up and robotically do what you need to do, other days you can’t even get out of bed. I used to totally dread mornings. Because you know there is another day filled with a great big nothing. You can’t motivate yourself to eat , or wash. Or engage in conversation. There feels like there is no point to anything anymore. I remember when I was in the early days I took 5 months off work. I was completely destroyed. It was all I could do to just remember how to keep breathing. My mother who is 80 came to my house every day. I know she was doing her mum bit. But I just wanted to be left alone. What made it worse was there was no conversation between. Because, what do you say. Yep my son is still dead, and I feel just as I did the day before when you were here. I found that as well as grieving myself I was having to deal with my mother’s grief. And it completely drained me. After the first week she would literally turn up and then just sit there. Actually saying to me that she was feeling it worse than me. After her calling round for about 3 months I started going out to avoid her. I stopped answering the phone. The point being people think they can feel your pain, they can’t. You have to loose a child before you are qualified to give advice. Until then you have no idea what goes through a parents head after loosing your son or daughter.
What works for you one day might not work the next day. I found after my son died I became incredibly emotional, even now 7 years later Thier are things that floor me. Nowhere near like it was a while back.
I think sometimes we beat ourselves up because we feel the guilt or the anger. I could of said or done something different they might still be hear. Unfortunately the clock does not go back. We have to adjust till eventually we are facing the right direction again. For a long time we don’t want to go on. Life is very different after loosing a child. You actually morph into a very different you. And I have to admit in the early days you do try to alter your behavior to suit other people. You mustn’t behave in a way that may upset THEM!!! well you reach a stage where you don’t care what the others think. What is important is you find the new you.
One thing I can say. What ever stage you are at , whatever you are feeling it will pass. If the days are extremely hard at the moment it will pass. We are all after the same thing. We want our kids back. But we can’t so we have to get by in whatever means we can. Somedays the weather is against you. You carry the world on your shoulders. But everything you do, Even if you just got out of bed and did little else. It’s still a positive. If you go for a walk or you manage to eat something. If you make it to the doctors. Or you meet up with friends. It’s all positive. Because you are trying to kick start your life after trying to process probably the worst news you are ever going to get in your whole life. If you can pick your phone up and send a message on this site. It’s a positive.
Some days you want to die. The fact you are still here is a massive positive. Thanks for listening
Jim
Hi marina i bet they Are with Christian its mad i have always fad dogs i had a rotti when young .then ben a crossbreed .died old age . And the year before sam passed i came home with a cockerpoo he was the naughtiest puppy ever .he ate remotes .wires shoes .you name it he did it .then last year when sam got ill he bagan to change .since sams been gone he has been my saving grace .my best friend .hes a lap dog he sleeps with me . When sam passed he sat by him crying he knows its mad his name is milo
Thats so true Anne . Partners in crime .Evie was a rainbow baby shes just 4 .dogs are amazing …really full of emotion tonight . Just hits dosent it . Just need a sam hug . Its wrong on every level love zoe
Hey guys it’s a beautiful day out. Even though I am feeling sad but, that’s not going to change for a while. I did a few things in the house today wash bedding and the dishes. I got tired of being in the house and I wanted a vanilla milkshake. It’s a nice day out so I figured it’d probably be lots of people in line because if there was I don’t think I could stand there for that long. There was two people ahead of me I waited even though I could feel my anxiety bubbling but I did it! and I got my milkshake. Small wonders🙂
I’ve had a horrid night. Went to bed way too early and unsurprisingly woke about 1.45. Everything piled in again with that feeling of panic and pain and loss. Think it’s been triggered by the issue about the police seeing my last messages to my girl. I had to read them for the first time, over the phone to a policewoman. It wasn’t the right time or situation to read them. I did tho. Then she wanted me to forward them or screenshot them and send them to her. In normal times I would have just done it. Soon as I open them I can’t think of anything. My cognitive function is not as good as it was since all this happened. I was just freezing and then panicking. In the end I texted the policewoman and said, right now, it’s too much to keep looking at them. She was understanding and she’s nipping in on Thursday to do it herself. So, you’d think, problem solved. But it’s triggered the whole shit show again. I know the coroner needs the evidence, I get it but those are my final conversations with my daughter and they are now not private anymore. On the plus side they were full of love, but right now it feels like I’ve been robbed of those little private, final words. I know they are still on the phone, but I was planning to read them for the first time when I was in a stronger place. I’m sure these kind of things happen to anyone who loses a son or daughter in this way, and when I finally said I wasn’t up to it the police were fine and helpful. It’s still my girls final words to me and now someone else will be reading them and showing them to others. I’m telling myself this is a blip and not another descent into the down pit forever. Like everyone else, I know that downturns are to be expected. I had known from the very first day after she died that I didn’t want to look at them yet. It feels like it was one of the few things I thought I had control over, to be able to look at them when I felt ready. It did make me think of the families of people like Milly Dowler and Stephen Lawrence who have their privacy taken away almost totally by the police and press. They must have been stripped to the emotional bone, again and again, giving evidence and hearing it.
Ann x