Hi to all friends
Hope you manage the best you can . We all so up and down .we do what we can .sending you all lots of love xx love zoe xx
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Andrew had a whole lot of gym equipment that he bought during lockdown and had it all set up in one of his spare bedrooms. Heād put a big mirror on wall and him and his mate used to do weights togetherā¦now and again. He wasnāt 100% committed but planned to get back into it.
Today his mate sold all the equipment for me and itās all gone. Another part of Andrewās life disappeared forever. I feel so sadā¦I donāt care about the equipment, I just feel upset that his life bit by bit is being eroded. Okā¦he has already lost his life but this kind of thing just keeps confirming what I already knowā¦heās not coming back 
.
Sorry to cast a black cloud over what should be a nice day.
Love and hugsā¦Sue xxxx
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I totally get it sue . My sams bed room is mostly how he had it . But i took his bed out and got him a reclining chair so he could still play his xbox when the grandchildren come round they play it .it just went wrong so my friends son came changed all the pass word and that .i dont even know how to work it but made me sad . I have his ipad brand new and phone but dont really want to open they was sams personal things but so much money just sitting there . He had a bit of ocd .everything in order so i make sure his room stays like that bless him . Im sitting with his fav tshirt on .whatever gives us comfort thinking of you zoe xx
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Felt like crying when I got up this morning, but thatās every morning but usually by the middle of the day Iām fine but not today. The bad mood hasnāt lifted. My sonās birthday is coming up on June 12th and Iām wondering if that has anything to do with it. It takes all I have today to hold it in the tears at work. I just tried to make it till lunch then I can go home and cry. I canāt wait until I can have one whole day with no tears and feeling good. Are mornings hard for everyone else or is it more the evening time or just all day. 
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Iām sorry you had a bad day. I find the evenings are worse for me ā¦ then I canāt sleep and then get over tired a d I get caught in a vicious circle. But I do cope so much better 4 years on.
The pain never goes away completely and I feel as if I now live with an undercurrent of sadness. I hope you have a better day tomorrow xxx
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I definitely find mornings are the worst time. I always wake up with palpitations and a feeling of dread. Today has been an exceptionally bad day for some reason . I think since Andrewās friend sold his weight training equipment and it upset remembering how pleased Andrew was when he set it all up.
Hope tomorrow is better for us all
Love Sue xxxx
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My sentiment exactly Victoria. We live with an undercurrent of sadness . Today, 3 years ago, was the day I first saw Lisa in an induced coma, on ECMO life support. Her wee face was swollen, her eyelids bulging and her beautiful arms bruised with having bloods taken. Tubes coming out of her neck both sides, her lips bleeding with the breathing tube. I was so shocked I could barely stand. I have never been able to banish these visions from my head.
Life has been cruel to us but we are still here. Our job is not done, so we remain to do whatever is destined for us.
Love to everyone of you.
Kate xx
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Thank you Sue. it got some what better after I had the good cry at lunch. . Itās just up and down up and down. I am sure itās that way for you too.
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Okay Iām so sorry to hear that Kate. I have those visions too and theyāre awful. The same exact things that you are speaking of. Hopefully those visions will lessen as time goes on.
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Victoria I am glad to hear that you cope so much better now I know there is a underlying sadness but Iām sure you are grateful that itās not as painful.
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Sorry so many are having a really bad time just now.
The thing that is simply wrong, however philosophical we try to be, is that none of us should be here when our children arenāt. Itās natural to lose parents, with a partner, well one of us will go first, you hope not too young. But our child, no no no, that is not right, itās not fair, itās not how it should be, and as many have said we might have to learn to live with it but weāll never be ok with it.
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So true Annā¦itās all wrong!!! xxxx
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You hit the nail on the head Ann. It feels like Iām in the Twilight zone.
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Hi victoria
Night time is worse for me .me and sam always sat together in the evenings at some point sam was q joker so we always had laughter . I feel sad and angry . Like you say its just below the surface the sadness always there sending you love victoria 
Kate i cant begin to imagine what you went through .its just not right ā¦ its not the same but my mum was in intensive care for three weeks before she died it was the worse thing ever . And seeing our children go theres no words . Sending you a big hug much love zoe
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Yes ladys its bloody wrong on all levels . Its makes me want to scream we all going through this turmoil . And for some reason our children have been taken . Why ehy theres no answers its shocking just want sam here xx
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Dear Zoe, Racy, Kate and all, I am grateful that my pain is not so bad or so frequent
now as it would be impossible to live like that for ever. The reason I write about it was to give hope to the newly bereaved here as you will gradually feel a sense of peace descend xxx
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Thank you Victoria,
That is the very thing we need to hear in order to make it possible to live with this awful pain.
Iām so glad youāre finding it easier to cope with the loss of your beloved daughter. Life will never be the same for any of us but we have to carry onā¦somehow.
Much loveā¦Sue xxxx
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Thank you Victoria. Iām only four months in but I do have some better moments, brief but a respite . Would have thought even that impossible but it is true. X
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Hi Nell did you go to the party and how did it go?
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Partyās today, spent the morning setting up my stall and nearly all the neighbours out doing the same and decorating the street. It feels very community and very amiable. Proper kick off starts in an hour. I will let you know how I manage the actual event but so far so good. Fingers crossed I can try and keep my mind in the moment! Hope you are okish today? x
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