Hi Marina,
Thats just how I feel about Matt’s birthday like they are getting further away, I can’t believe it’s 3 years it’s gone so quickly, I think Helen says something like another year that passes means a year closer to meeting up with them, which is a way I’m trying to think of it, it’s hard not to feel guilty for living life and enjoying things but you are right our children wouldn’t want us to keep suffering.
Sending much love, Michelle xxxx
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That’s such a lovely idea, Michelle, thank you and we will do that next week, together. After all we are all under the same sky 
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Andrew’s balloons yesterday. It was lovely to watch them float up so high…we watched them until they disappeared into the clouds. One gold…one silver to represent the gold and silver coins from our metal detecting. The silver balloon lagged behind at first but it caught up with the gold and they went off together, side by side…all the way to Andrew.
Love to you all…Sue xxxxx
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It’s funny how people think that I’m ok now just because I’m not calling them crying down the phone anymore. I’ve managed to control that but inside I am still crying 24/7.
Deborah 
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Yes Deborah, you are so right . Because we arnt walking about in a trance , and not crying all day . Idiots think we are over losing our Daughters and Sons . . Don’t they realise that we are trying to to get on with our lives the best we can. Anyway no one wants us to talk about our loved ones , they don’t want us to depress them .Sending love Maddie xx
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Yes…same here. I heard my mum telling my cousin on the phone that I’m a lot better now. It’s because you get used to putting on a "normal " face for others.
I don’t like upsetting my mum when I go round as she’s 91 and gets upset when I do…but I cry in the car all the way there and all the way home.
I suppose it’s a step in the right direction though that I can NOT cry for a few hours when I’m there. At the beginning I wouldn’t have thought it possible.
Love and hugs to you and everyone else…Sue xxxx
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We learn to put a brave face on, and people think your troubles are all over. As we all know on here , nothing is further from the truth. Take care sue. Jim
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Hi Maddie,
I talk about Andrew all the time…people just have to listen although I’m lucky that most of the people I do talk to are still very supportive. I even find myself telling strangers that my son died…I used to burst into tears but now I’m not quite so bad… I just need to talk about him.
It’s bad enough still having to empty his flat and sell off his life, at least that’s how it feels. It’s so very sad 
.
Love and hugs Sue xxxx
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So true Jim although I’m finding it easier to put on that brave face these days.
It’s important to me to be as normal as possible around my mum as at 91 who knows how much life she has left and I don’t want her last months or years to be full of sorrow.
Love and hugs Sue xxxx
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Hi all I
t’s been 18 months but feels like just yesterday when the police knocked on my door. I think that I am doing pretty well considering the shock that I had. For 6 months I laid on the sofa crying and didn’t care if I lived or died. These days I can function, go to work, see friends but then come home and cry. What set me off today was actually my job, I work for a mental health Trust in the legal department and deal with all the deaths in the Trust. I had to attend an inquest today for a girl the same age as my daughter who committed suicide in very harrowing circumstances. It triggered such strong emotions as the family were there and I just wanted to cuddle them as I knew their pain. On my 2nd glass of wine which is helping me to cope. Hugs to you all.
Deborah
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Hi Deborah,
It doesn’t take much to bring all the raw feelings back again so I’m not surprised that dealing with a family going through such pain would trigger it all off again for you.
I feel awful that I seem to be coping too well but wonder if it’s the sertraline that I’ve been taking for a few weeks that’s helping.
I love Andrew to bits and I’m devastated that I’ll never hug him or see him again. I also wonder if the fact that I’m not having to work at the moment is also helping.
I’m worried that people will think I’m hard…I’m not! I miss him so much but feel so guilty that I’m not still crying as much as I did during the first weeks.
The gin helps too!
Love Sue xxxx
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Hi Sue
I know that coping too well feeling. I’ve felt so guilty for not feeling bad enough at times. But no, it’s not because I’ve forgotten what has happened. Or care less. How could I? I think it’s just one of the ups among all the downs, just part of the muddle we’re in. And we’re allowed to have a bit of light.
Love to you and all friends Ann xx
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Hi Deborah
Understand exactly what your saying . Sams been gone 14 months its no time and it feels like yesterday . I dont feel like it will be any different the pain hurts my heart so bad . Your waiting . And waiting but nothing happens . Its awful i cry mostly at night and by my self . Sometimes we cant control it and grief catches you when you least expect it .i have a vodka .i also eat myself silly .wish i was the other way i would be so thin .but thats my comfort .we have to get up . And sometimes i do smile i dont feel guilty for that but this horrible sadness is so wrong so unfair and it makes me sad for us all . Would be lost without everyone . Take care my friend. I hope your ok after your stress . Much love zoe
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I think that this explains how we feel.
Deborah
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There’s absolutely no reason to feel guilty because we appear to be coping. Yet I know what you mean, at first my overwhelming feeling was anger and distress, full on every waking moment. Now I too, seem to be coping better and now I feel so guilty, it only cos I didn’t save her life, but also because I wasn’t a perfect mother. Reality and common sense tell me there are no perfect mothers. They don’t exist. Doesn’t stop me feeling guilty tho, I guess it is a ‘normal’ part of grieving the loss of a son or daughter. If we didn’t manage to appear normal we would find it hard to even start to get back to any normality. Being parents we get all the stages of grief but they are enhanced and more terrible to experience because they are our own children, we created them. No one planned for this to happen, yet I still feel guilty. There are no super mums and no super dads, that’s reality. We can’t bring them back and it’s a very, very painful journey. Yet we are still alive and for us, and for those who love us, we have to make some sort of life where we can get through each day. I’m trying not to project my life ahead and see only bleakness and loss. It could turn into a self fulfilling prophecy and that won’t help me or my family. Guilt is a really painful emotion and I don’t think it can be avoided. It hurts and I’m hoping I can work through that. Not to get back the life I had, it’s gone. But to somehow slowly, slowly, learn to live with what can’t be changed. It’s like climbing a mountain with boulders raining down in my head. It’s grief, it’s painful. I don’t expect it to go away but I do hope and work towards a time when it doesn’t stop me in my tracks and I can focus on coming to terms as best I can. Sending all you parents love and hopes for a manageable future where there is some colour in our lives, instead of being in a black hole. Xxxxx
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Wow Nell you said everything that we feel in that message. I agree with all you’ve said. What we have to accept is that we all only have one life. We didn’t choose to lose our children…the pain and grief at their loss is overwhelming. BUT we still have our lives and must try to find beauty and comfort in the world around us to help us through the sadness. When I drive along the beautiful Norfolk country roads I think of Andrew and that’s when I cry the most, but the fact that I cry is because it is so lovely and I know he won’t see it anymore. But again the simple fact that I can still appreciate the beauty of it all is a good thing…it means I’m still happy to be alive and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life in a fog of sorrow.
I will always, always be sad inside and miss him. I’m sure I’ll have very bad days but equally I’m positive I’ll have good days. I couldn’t see beyond the bad days in the beginning.
Talking to you all on here is such a help. Comparing our journeys and hopefully giving some kind of hope to those who have just joined us.
Love and hugs to all…Sue xxxx
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Dear all friends here. Just back from a wonderful 5 days with little Brooke to Jemmas in Musselburgh. We did lots of fun things and Brooke had a fabulous time.
My poor husband has had Covid while I have been away but seems to have picked up now I am here to coax him to eat a bit.
He went to the cemetery this morning to take flowers for Lisa. It would have been her 34th Birthday tomorrow. I still can’t go to the plot. Even though there are no ashes of our darling girl there yet. I just find it too hard.
Anyway, that’s 3 years now. Feels like yesterday though.
Love to all.
Kate xx
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I agree Sue, this place helps. It reminds me that our overwhelming feelings are not unusual. To lose a child you brought into the world defies all our expectations both for the one we lost, and for our idea of what the future would be like. It’s all out the window and we have to re look at our lives and our hopes. It’s really bloody hard. It’s learn to cope and accept on some level or eventually die of misery and a broken heart. On good days I can see this clearly, but in bad days I’m less angry than I was and feeling more guilty. Also feeling guilt doesn’t mean we are guilty, it means we are trying to find some reason to explain what happened. If we didn’t love our child so much we would have moved on. Its love with nowhere to go, somehow I have to live with the past but try and stay in the present in order to start to cope and live some sort of meaningful life in the here and now. All good in theory but as we all know, the journey isn’t straightforward or simple and waves of pain are hard to cope with in a room full of people, but avoiding everyone doesn’t help either. I don’t force myself to go to social things but if they are something that I enjoyed before I will try and go and see how it pans out. Otherwise I could sit in the sofa for the rest of my life and be bitter. It is a journey for sure and a lifelong one. It’s bad enough without me beating myself up on top. Tho my thoughts often tell me something different. I was thinking this morning that it’s a lovely day but she can’t see it, she’s gone. It hurts. Hugs and love to everyone on this painful journey. There is hope of a life, different but over time things can be bearable and we can see some sunshine in our lives, even a few minutes is a start. Xxxx
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