Michelle that’s what I was doing at first throwing myself into work I remember my boss saying at my evaluation that you are doing an excellent job and I don’t know how you are doing it after such a short time after your son died. I was trying not to feel and that’s why I was being so efficient. I still have work to do I am on one week vacation and in that week I am working on my grief. If I feel like crying I am crying if I feel angry I am yelling. I know those are the things that I need to do more to move forward.
That’s probably what’s helping me Racy. I’ve never bottled up my feelings…I’d tell the person standing next to me in a queue all my troubles and usually hear all about theirs. At friend at work always laughed at me and insisted by the time I finished talking to a customer I knew their life story and what size shoes they wore.
I’m glad your brother is ok now…sometimes a heart attack (if you survive) can be the wake up call needed to look after yourself better.
It’s always good to read your posts!
Love and hugs Sue xxxx
Sorry to hear you’re feeling a bit flat after being away.
I think that can be normal when we’ve had an amazing break from our normal routine.
How about you ring Sarah and tell her about your break and see what she’s been up to? I understand how hard this is for you and John.
Henry was always the one calling me…I’m lucky if I hear from his brother once a fortnight but I do know it’s not deliberate…he only rings if there’s a reason, not just for a social chat.
I always end up ringing and I often ask him if he could get a phone that makes outgoing calls! It’s all water off a ducks back though….
Sending you both a big hug and lots of love and looking forward to seeing you again.
Sue you exactly right letting out your feelings is the best thing that you can do. I guess In some ways I felt that if I let my feelings out that they would override my false control of myself. That facade that I am always in control of everything. Theo’s death has opened my eyes to the fact that no I can’t control everything if I could I would have controlled what happened to Theo. And that last statement I just made brought tears to my eyes because I wish I could have. Loves and hugs to you also Sue.
Shellyanne, you are among friends here who totally understand. Only we can inderstand as we have the same experience of loss. Our youngest Lisa was 31 when we lost her on 25th July 2019. She also left her beautiful little girl then aged 3 and a half. We have been fortunate to have an amazing sob in law who is a super Dad to Brooke . Brooke adores our elder daughter Jemma who is just the best auntie ever. Our lives go on without our lost children but all we can do is remember the beautiful humans they were and walk beside them through the rest of our lives.
Sending love and hugs.
I have been reading all your posts, Maddie, Victoria and Purple a lovely photo, I do wish I could meet up with you all but everytime I try my mother gets a tantrum, but I have found a carer for her 3 days a week and it has relieved that burden so now I take her shopping once a week to M&S or Waitrose.
Shellyanne and Racy it is the hardest road we will ever travel but gradually the grief we feel that overwhelms us will eventually walk by our side. Like waves sometimes it laps at your feet and at other’s it will knock you off them, please don’t feel guilty Shellyanne I am sure Leah will be all around you and making sure little Theo is OK, they never leave us, and they will be there when it is our time. Maddie, that was Dawn she was letting you know that she will always look out for you and that she is around you and John.
For me like you Maddie, it will be 6 years since I lost Sam December 9th this year and in October 17th he turns 40. Please excuse me because I will never think of Sam in the past tense, beause I know that Sam is all around me. I went to Nerja in Spain a couple of weeks ago with John my husband and my best friend Janice (we shopped) he went swimming and on the beach!! the second night we were there we were heading out to dinner and Jan looked and said I shut and locked that patio door earlier because my Ipad was out there, and when I turned there were 3 travel books laid out all about Nerja and Granada together with a 5 euro note I didn’t put the books in a row and no one else did, Jan looked up and said this is Sam again and I know it was.
You Helen , how can you exsplain something like that , Yes Dawns birthday we had a little Robin in the nursery And when we came back from having our n meal with Victoria and Bill , we we sat talking about our girls and the lights put us in darkness 3 times , short and sweet . Hope to hear from Tom you , so much to tell you . Love Maddie xx
I am in floods reading all your messages, what a lovely, supportive group of people. I have posted a couple of times following the tragic death of my son ten days ago and I find it helps massively to try and put into words what I’m going through. Also reading your supportive messages really helps, we have all suffered such terrible loss. Im realising that there are many ways to grieve and cope and there is always help and support out there.
Your kind words are a big help.
Love and hugs to you all
Hi Xoe , how are you , haven’t heard from you . How do you feel about meeting up with me and others . Love Maddie xxx
I’m so glad I’ve done this it was really hard to write this all down in floods of tears but with all the lovely messages of support and knowing I’m not on my own it really helps knowing I can write anything I feel now because we are all going through the same XX
I’m glad you’re finding some comfort in reading the posts on here Sue. Right from the start I felt comforted just knowing other people understood how I was feeling. Family and friends are wonderful but to speak to someone who is going through the same pain of losing their child is such a help. Nothing seems to help much in those first days and weeks…I hated the whole world. Now I can smile at someone and “mean” the smile…I never thought I would again.
It’s hard…it’s devastating but you really will see the sun shining again one day. We still have to live our lives…the best way we can.
Love and hugs…Sue
You are right about family, my sister has been amazing through all this, I couldnt have coped without her. But this group of bereaved people are amazing too, thanks.
Love and hugs
I was trying to bottle things up saying I’d be fine but inside my chest I was experiencing the most horrific pain and despair feeling I have ever known I’ve been lashing out at Darren my partner I was saying he didn’t care or understand but that’s not true I’m just in a deep hole sinking and I can’t get out but hopefully now I may begin to try and realise I’m not on my own anymore because of you lovely people .
I think its a coping mechanism to bottle things up but like someone said on this site its best to 'express what you are feeling. Grief does seem to manifest itself as physical pain, I hope your chest pains have eased.
I did exactly the same. I screamed at my partner so loud I’m surprised the neighbours didn’t think I was being murdered. I accused him of not caring…I banged my hands up and down on the kitchen units …my thumbs were black and swollen for days. Then I sobbed and sobbed. It’s perfectly normal but at the time life is so traumatic nothing feels like it will ever be normal again.
Of course my partner did care, he loved Andrew too but he isn’t his son so he didn’t understand what I was feeling.
After that day I think he did and he was so supportive…
Everytime we drive out to the coast I cry for most of the journey. He doesn’t say anything…let’s me cry and I always feel better for it.
It’s sad…always will be but we do learn to live with it…eventually.
Love Sue xxxxx
Thank you for that luv it means alot I could scream the house down some days I really could and take the house apart but I don’t I just hope the pain will start to ease a bit I know it’s going to be a long time before I start to feel anything like normal but thank you xx
I know what you mean about screaming the house down. In the early days I would wake in a panic of grief and anger, I had the feeling that I wanted to climb on top of a house and shout ‘wake up, my daughters dead’. Glad I didn’t do it!! I’d never felt like I did in those first months and it was exhausting, heartbreaking etc. it feel considerably better than I did, not the same person as before, but at least calm and able to function and even laugh and joke on a good day. Just do the best you can, that’s good enough, don’t be hard on yourself. You will get what I call chinks of light and they slowly, slowly help you learn to cope. When you are ready in your own time and way. Honestly. Xxx
Thank you for that it’s been 7 months since Leah passed but I keep going over the funeral and the burial it was so hard because she was buried with my other daughter Katie which I never got over but learnt to cope with and that took alot of yrs but this is so new and do heartbreaking and Raw sometimes I don’t know how to start a day xx
Bless you … it is early days for you and so hard to lose two girls. As others have said, try to take one day at a time … baby steps all the way. As Racy said, just do your best.
I too felt like screaming in the early days as you feel you are going mad, but slowly a kind of peace descended around me and I began to feel calmer. Take care of yourself xxx
To have lost two of your children must feel unendurable. It makes no sense and it’s just beyond words. I send you all my respect and warmest wishes. I may have already mentioned Compassionate Friends they are very understanding and all lost children. I’m barely able to manage at losing my daughter, you have all of that doubled and more. Just do a day at a time, that’s good enough. I expect you hear it all the time but don’t beat yourself up, you have enough to deal with. My heart goes out to you and I’m so glad you are getting some support on here. At least you can be sure we are all with you and we are listening. Bless you and be gentle with yourself. Xxx