Hi kate hope your having fun with brook im sure she keeps you busy…
Thats so lovely that you all met up beautiful photo .do you all live near one and other …
Im away in dorset this week i hope sam is wlth me . Still feel so lost without him .ive had a little robin outside the chalet a bit of comfort .im glad im here and not in kent its been unbearable at home .love to all you lovely people much love zoe
Oh maddie i think when youve been away .it takes the pressure of reality.you all tell me dont feel guilty we can smile and laugh itsjust so hard when what we want we cant have hope your ok much love zoe xx
So sorry to hear of your loss .of your daughter leah .its such early days on this rollercoaster your in deep trauma. Its the shock .just do what you want scream .shout cry .baby steps …i lost my son sam he had just had his 25 th birthday he had sarcoma a very rare cancer.it went to his bones his thigh and his lungs . From time of finding out he was gone in four months .he passed 14 months now seems like yesterday .my beautiful superhero .all our babys should not go before us . I have to say the lovely ladys on here and gentlemen have helped me so much i dont feel alone like i did and you can say what you like and never be judged .all you ladys thank you .im so grateful love and hugs zoe xxxx
Hi everyone. Been reading all the messages. To say grief changes a person is an understatement. Everybody on here is at different stages. And no two are the same, we all have to make our personal journeys . Your mind is a grand master at playing tricks on you. One day you are up, the next you are down. Just when you think you’ve got this, when you have worked out the trigger points. The things you need to avoid. Grief will come along and take the feet from beneath you. Even when you are having good days. You begin to wait for something to tip you over the edge, then when it doesn’t you get confused. It’s almost like you have an excess of pain and tears and heartache that you need to get rid of, but you are having a good day so you have to store all your tears and pain. Bit like the memory bank on your phone. Then one day you will not see it coming, something so trivial will just floor you and you have to let it all out. Unfortunately it’s like that for a long time before it gets any easier. I’ve never been the same since!!. Before I lost my boy I was completely unrecognizable from the person I am today. Don’t no if that makes me a bad person. But you definitely look at life differently. In some of the messages I’ve read. People feeling terrible guilt. How dare you enjoy yourself or go away for a break/ holiday. I felt all those things. I was ashamed of myself if ever I caught myself smiling. I must have went 3 years without daring to laugh. But all of that does fade eventually. You do go through a long period of time where you just can’t see it ever getting any better. Those horrible mornings when you know you have to drag yourself out of bed. And you care about nothing least of all yourself. The long endless days when your mind drifts off . But we move on , we all move on,. It’s upsetting sometimes because we have to leave our children in the timeframe that they passed and it feels like we are moving further and further away from them until it starts to get like a foggy day and we can’t see them like we used too. But as you get stronger things get clearer again. Your mind begins to make sense. I carry Sam everywhere with me. He’s all around, he sees what I see, he knows what I know. Some days I cry. But that’s ok. That’s just human nature. I’ve gone from being hardly able to string a sentence together to having a immense feeling of pride,. I was a dad once. A role I absolutely loved. It made me who I I am. Might not look much to other people but inside I will always have a burning pride .
Someone asked me the other day. Why do you feel the need to talk to other bereaved parents " I don’t get it". That’s exactly it. You don’t get it!!! That’s why I do it. That’s why I speak to bereaved parents. We don’t have to explain. Or judge. Or pretend. Or bullshit,. We just know. When you meet someone who’s lost a child. No explanations are needed. You have an immediate connection. You don’t have to justify that you might need a drink or sleeping pills. Or why you have to be left alone sometimes or why you need to go for midnight walks. Or long drives. Or why you have to sit in the cemetery for hours on end or why you have to stand out in the rain. Or why you have to keep going back to the same old place. Or why you can’t listen to certain records. The list is endless. But that’s why we speak to other bereaved parents. They understand and that is all that’s needed. Ok thanks for listening. Take care . Jim
Hi Jim that’s so true everything you have just said it’s 7 month since my Leah passed an 36 yrs since Katie passed it took some yrs to learn to live with Katie s passing as she was stillborn at 40 weeks it nearly sent me over the edge but Leah’s passing has sent my nerves and anxiety to spiral out of control the feeling of pain and despair I feel Every morning I wake up n il be honest some morning s I don’t want to wake up but I would think we’ve all felt like that at last I can talk to everyone on here and express my true innermost thoughts band feeling s knowing no one is going to think bad of me because someday s I talk nothing but Leah and people look at me as if I’ve lost the plot but they don’t understand I’m so proud of her she would have graduated yesterday as a nurse and the university of Derby honoured her name out at the ceremony which was so lovely I miss her dearly ihad a really bad day yesterday I just hope tday will be better I hope we all have a better day take care everyone il be on later when I’ve been to work xx
Morning Zoe thank you for your kind words yeah it’s definitely a rollercoaster yesterday was terrible I cried most of the day at work at home in the bath etc bloody sobbing that much it hurt my chest I’ve been up till 3.30 this morning my mind and feeling s going mad Leah had a very rare aggressive cancer it started with stage 3 breast cancer then quickly to stage ,4 liver cancer 13 months from start to finish she passed away at home with my x husband and other daughter I was over this way in Derby and my lot are in Sheffield the worse part is I didn’t get to say goodbye properly and that will never leave me the guilt feel very strong and I’m trying to find a way to feel less guilty it’s so hard and I’m struggling so much but hopefully it may start to ease a little bit take care il be back later tday thank you to you all xx
Morning Nell thank you for the lovely messages and the support from all of you I’m try to cope through one day at a time or even an hour someday s really bad day yesterday crying most of the day till my head hurt then up till 3.30 this morning then up at 5 ready for work so when I get home I think I might try and grab an hour I feel absolutely exhausted and drained I know you must all feel these same feeling s xx
So very true Jim. It will be the anniversary on Monday for us. In some ways it feels like yesterday and also so far away as you say. I think of Lisa every minute. She is in my head in everything I do. Yesterday Brooke and I were at the park sitting on a bench whilst she ate her picnic. She suddenly said ’ did Mummy come here Granny?. I sais she did and it was just the same but the equipment was new now.
I said I thought Mummy was with us all the time and watching what we are doing. Brooke said ‘I do too Granny’ .
Bless the little soul. She is our guiding light.
Love to you Jim and all dear friends.
Dear Jim, such wise words from you. I love reading your posts as they are so true but so raw and you capture what it is like to be a bereaved parent so well. I wish I could read it out to every one I know so they at least get a glimpse of the hell and sheer madness of what we go through every day.
Just one thing … you write so movingly about having been a dad … but you still are a dad. That doesn’t ever change just because you can’t see Sam. Be proud every single day because from I have seen, you are a fantastic dad. Much love to you
Hi jim thank you for your post you always say it just as it is . Your sam must be so proud of you as you say hes right there with you .xx
Kate it dosnt matter if its a month a year two .we will feel the same every day .our children are in our thoughts everyminute. Be thinking of you on lisas anniversary take care my darling xx
Dear Kate will be thinking of you on Monday , another painful anniversary, love Maddie zz
I am having a few problems posting on my phone so am trying my laptop, i have been reading all your posts, welcome to Shelleyanne and to Sue, sorry you have had to join us on this awful journey but glad you have found us.
Jim i love your posts, they are so real and you capture how we all feel so well, i do the same with Matt i dont think of him in the past i feel he is with us always and speak of him in the present tense, i am for one am so glad you feel the need to talk to other bereaved parents and we are blessed to have you my friend.
Kate how did we make it to three years without our beautiful children, i love to see photos of Brooke and the things she says just melt my heart, i will be thinking of you my friend as Monday approaches and as many of us say the lead up is much worse than the actual day. Sending you love and gentle hugs my dear friend. xx
It has been heart warming reading all your posts today and its wonderful how some of you who have only lost your precious children a few months ago are supporting others, that’s what this site is all about, everyone looking after each other even though they are heartbroken themselves but somehow finding the strength to give a positive word to help others.
Sending love to you all Michelle xxxx
Sending love to you michelle you always have time for everyone . Just hate the deep sadness though i can laugh theres this awfull emptiness. The waiting .the going over it all in my head its just wrong .im sorry . Im on holiday looking at the sea but so empty xx
Michelle, your heartfelt messages are so appreciated. Today when we were doing the cottage changeover, my friend of 18 years who helps me said ’ how ate you doing Kate?’
Well, I was immediately in tears and opened up about how I went back into Lisa’s room after she had gone. I lifted her onto my arms, stroked her beautiful hair then laid her back and kissed her eyelids, nose and mouth. She was still warm but at peace and I truly hope she could feel my touch just like the moment she was born. Flora was in tears as I was but it helps so much to open up to someone else.
Thank God we all found each other here. Where would we be without each others support.
Love to you Michelle, we are close to each other, all of us.
I appreciate you all with all your lovely posts and warm messages I feel a sense of closeness to you all now because we are are in the same boat but we have found that on here we all need to support each other sending you hugs XX
Bless you Zoe, i think you have been amazing, i totally know how you feel, we do find small amounts of pleasure in things especially things to do with our children and i know how much you love your dear grandchildren, but its like one big act we can convince everyone but not ourselves unfortunately, try to enjoy your break away and know that Sam is definitely by your side and when you look to the sunset and sunrise look for him and know he is there waiting for you and everyday that passes is a day nearer to meeting our dear children. sending you love and hugs xxx
I hope you try and enjoy your holiday if you can but I know how hard it is I went away about a month ago and was so empty and cried all weekend we are going to Cornwall in 8 weeks and to be honest I’m dreading it because I know il be in tears all the time even though I try my best to try and enjoy it XX
Kate my heart breaks for you , there is no question about it. your precious baby girl was still with you when you did this and felt every kiss and would have passed feeling the strongest love of all, a love that could never be broken no matter what. Its good to open up and share and that’s why i too am so glad we have found each other, this site is my safe place. Sending you love and hugs xxx
Love to you too Michelle. Xxxx