Hello Wynne, Maddie, Marina and Victoria, and all other mums and dads on this site
Yes like you Wynne, I found Christmas so hard, Boxing Day was easier as I had my sister in law and the family over (Gloria lost her boy 3 years ago aged 30 from a football accident) so I kept busy doing the food. But how I missed Sam. Yet he definitely let me know he was here… I had with the help of my closest friend Dee put up the tree…actually I sat there getting upset and Dee put the tree up and decorated it for me. a few days later on the Saturday my other friend collected me to go out shopping, so all the tree lights were off no one was in the house (John had gone to football) when we got back from shopping not only was the tree lights on but the lights going up the stairs were on, yet there had been nobody in the house, and they did that throughout Christmas so I knew Sam was here, he always loved Christmas and would always be here most Christmas days but always here on Boxing Day. But like you Wynne I am glad it’s over and I can try to look forward to another year…one more year nearer seeing Sam
Hi Wynette , I have just lost my son aged 30 , he died on the 26th Nov 2018 , from pancreatitis , I’ve never heard from it , the docs never really explain how serious pancreatic deceases are !! I am absolutely , like yourself , devasted , and feelline all this is so unfair , he has 2 brothers and one sister , it is so hard to carry on , like you said yourself , I feel like I am in robot mode , just doing daily things just for the hell of it , its like living in some kind of twilight zone , did your son have any siblings love ? X
Hi Helen Wynne and all . sorry have not been on the site, but had my Gall Bladder operation on the 7th of December and everything went pear shape so I have been in hospital for quite a while including Dawns anniversary on the 11th which I felt so upset , but John my husband went to have a chat with her before he came in to visit me . , but I have been thinking of you all on this very sad month with the anniversarys and xmas
Dear All,
I too struggled over Christmas but had to keep going for Coren, his first Christmas without his mum. We took him out for lunch as I wanted to do something different and it was fine. So much better than I had imagined. I actually found that the build up to Christmas was worse so I didn’t have my tree or put up any decorations and that was easier for me.
Helen, finding your lights on is so lovely and what a beautiful sign for you from your Sam. I would love to have some contact from Gem.
Maddie I hope you have recovered now.
It is so hard for us all struggling without our precious children, just so unfair. I would do anything for one more day with Gemma. She is my first thought on waking and last thought at night.
Sending much love to you all xxx
Dear Maddie,Helen and all on this never ending journey. I hope Maddie you are making a good recovery from your operation. I also hope that somehow 2019 brings all of us some peace and that the pain becomes less intense. I am finding it so hard to think that we will never see or hear from our boy again. I continue to dream about him and do wonder if somehow he is trying to comfort. It is a relief to have Christmas and New year over and today in the sunshine walking i did feel more calm. Returning to work next week will occupy my brain more which again brings some relief. I know we have to keep going forward but too often it just seems a means to an end. Wishing it was all so different? I send love and hope to you all. Wynne
Hello Wynne,
I am sure Daniel is trying to comfort you, it probably upsets him to think you are in such distress. Like you said Wynne it is good to get the new year and christmas out of the way. I am booking holidays, it is my way of trying to cope and appear normal. Maddie I hope you are recovering from the operation, please let me know how you are. Sam turned my Christmas tree lights on more than once so I know he is near. He also like Daniel tries to comfort me, I know Sam expects me to push on, but like you said it is so hard, because grief is an expression of the love we feel for our sons and daughters.
Dear Wynne, Helen, Maddie and friends,
I too hope that 2019 brings us all peace and healing. I struggled so much at New Year and just wanted to die. The thought of going into a new year and leaving my Gemma behind was too much. But once again the thought of the boys kept me going and here we all are.
I still can’t believe I’ll never see her again in this life and the thought that she felt so desperate that she took her own life is so heartbreaking I can hardly bear it. I did dream about Gems on Wednesday night, the first time for months and I have felt calmer since, like you, Wynne. It is comforting.
I hope we all come to a place of peace and sending lots of love to you all xxx
I felt exactly the same as all the comments here. Christmas build up was worse we spent a few days over with our daughters and grandchildren whichever was nice on Christmas Day then flew to Vegas on boxing day to become invisible - it worked and we survived this 1st Christmas without our Sam.
Still acting this life
Finding comfort in all your words
Sal x
Hi All, I can totally relate to everything that is said on here and wish we could all find a bit of peace. This was our first Xmas without Ryan and I never allowed for the build up part which was as bad Xmas itself. I had to walk out of shops a few times as the Xmas music was blaring out and there are certain songs that just set me off. I feel totally exhausted from it all and am finding everything really overwhelming at the moment including my job. I just feel really lost at the moment and just don’t know what to do. Xx
Oh Tess I wish I could put my arms around you and give you the biggest of hugs. Why does life have to be so cruel?
Like you I had to run out of shops over Christmas and I didn’t listen to any Christmas music. I found the run up to Christmas worse than the day itself.
But you know, you have got this far step by step and I promise you that the pain somehow gets easier to bear but there is always going to be something which trips us up. We somehow get through it so as has been said before don’t be hard on yourself. Don’t be afraid to cry and try talking to Ryan. This advice was given to me and it does usually calm me. I used to tell Gemma how much I love her and miss her but also talk to her about the boys or Elvis, her dog. Sometimes I even get cross with her now. Talking to her somehow feels normal because of course I would always talk to her when she was here. I hope that makes sense?
We are all here for you never forget that!
Sending you so much love xxx
Thankyou Victoria for your kind words. Life Is so cruel. I do talk to Ryan as I am sure he can hear me and like you say it does help to say things out loud. I have a younger son who is 22 so he is the reason I can get up in the mornings and also it is to honour Ryan. It does bring comfort being able to chat on here and say how you really feel as everyone understands the pain. Take care of yourself xxx
Hi All, Christmas without our daughters and sons will never be the same ever again. My heart goes out to those of you who have just endured the first Christmas. It is particularly difficult and those feelings return each year. We just get through it as best we can. Put on a face, act, just survive as we do everyday.
We were able to get away to the Canary Islands the day after Boxing Day and as you say Sally, the anonymity of it does help. We relaxed for a week and New Years Eve (another time when everyone is jolly while we suffer) just passed by a little easier.
I think we all have to be truthful with ourselves and allow ourselves to feel however we like. It’s a way of being kind to ourselves.
Love to you all x
Thank you I feel it helped to go away as soon as possible after spending time with our daughters it helped not to have to deal with others sorrow for us for a week your comments are greatly appreciated xx
Hello Helen, Wynne Victoria, and all on this site,. It sounds we are all suffering so much,evan though its the start of a new year. To tell you the truth I am scared to feelhappy again , as people will think I have actualy got over my lovely Dawn , which little to they know the pain is still as bad as the beginning. I just didn’t enjoy xmas at all what with the bad memories and the pain from my operation. still got to go back and have the stent taken out. All I can think about is the pain that Dawn must have gone through.Helen I am pleased you had some signs from Sam, I do envy you as I have nothing from Dawn she seems so far away. Hugs to everyone . Maddie xx
Dear Maddie, Helen , Victoria and all dear friends, I wonder how you are all doing as we travel down this road together. It helps so much when you know that others continue to fell the loss of our darling sons and daughters. Maddie I know what you mean when you have those moments when you begin to feel you can smile but the guilt seems to then weigh you down again. I am trying to get out more and have started to reconnect with people that I could not bear to see. I still find that I can only be with what I call “good” people but I can quickly become annoyed when some friends moan and groan about trivial things. I think they must have forgotten that we would give the world to be able to support our children through some problem. Going back to work part time has helped as it fills my brain with thoughts other than the continual heart break. The days are now becoming longer which also brings some relief. Thinking of you all. Wynne
Dear Wynne, Maddie, Helen and all,
I have been thinking of you
all this morning. I am struggling as I approach her anniversary which is on the 1st February. My mind keeps going back to our last few weeks with Gems although we didn’t know it at the time.
I have felt closer to her and have also experienced several ‘coincidences’ which I can’t explain. A memory came up on my Facebook a few days ago, something I had written about people entering and leaving our lives for a reason. The same day a FB friend of mine posted the same thing, virtually word for word and she is a medium so that surprised me. It is little things (and her boys) that keep me going through these bleak days. But you are right, Wynne, spring is not far away now and I hope our spirits will lift a little.
Much love to you all xxxx
Hi All…We went away over Christmas,it was a nice week and that is how we treated it just a week away to forget Christmas with all it’s celebrations, for like us all on this forum we had nothing to celebrate…it’s difficult to think that until last year Christmas even has an adult still held some magic but now that’s all gone…when we arrived home I went in the house and I just stood there and it hit me once again that Christian would never come home into this house ever again…I have thought this many times before but this time it was so intense it was unbearable…people have said the second year tends to be worse than the first year…I think the shock ends and the reality of it truly sets in…it does make you wonder how we manage to cope and live normally from day to day we are obviously stronger than we think…it would be nice to think that with time we can think of all the lovely memories and smile instead of being in floods of tears…
With love to all and hoping it’s a peaceful New Year for everyone of us…Marina xxx
Everything I have read here seems to express my feelings exactly. It is so true that in the second year it seems to slap you right in the face that they will never walk back through that door. I say that and I have said to Sam out loud I can’t do this anymore and all he says is "get real mum and I’ll see you in twenty years. Sam is all around me and so I just batten down the hatches and try to keep going. Every now and then I don’t succeed and something trips me up and when that happens I see in my minds eye Sam laughing at me.
We all have to try and keep going however that is.
With love to you all
Helen
Hi Helen, Wynne V ictoria , and all. Well Tuesday I tuned 70years old and had some lovely presents but the the one I truly wanted was to have a sign from Dawn, but that did not happen. But when I checked my emails in Thursday I could not believe my eyes , there it was an email from Dawn asking if I was well. and just wanted to say something . Well to start with I was in total shock, but when I looked again it was not her email address , . howcould it be . But for a few minutes it felt comforting that she was thinking of me , as we had just been to her resting place and asked her for a sign for my birthday. Has this happened to anyone else? Helen , how are things going with Gerraint ? Have been thinking of you hoping things have got better.Hugs to all Maddie xx
Hello all dear friends here, like you all I have had such a hard time getting through anniversaries, Christmas, New Year etc.
Then yesterday I was walking home with my dog, when I saw a mist in front of me, the wind dropped and I felt a warmth all around me. Chris said ’ I am here mamma, don’t be so sad, I am all around you '. Anyone would think what absolute nonsense, but I know in my heart it was Chris. The same with you, Maddie with Dawn sending you an email, of course it was a message for you.
I know all our lovely children are there for us, and don’t want us to feel so sad.
All your messages are so full of courage as we struggle to find a way forward.
With Love to all,
Anneka x