Hello Maddie,
Hannah (geraint’s wife) asked us to come up and see the children before Christmas, so we went, Geraint was in the kitchen you could see how nervous he was… but then I said hello my darling (my usual greeting) and he visibly relaxed and came in to the sitting room and started talking. John turned as we were leaving the house and said afterwards, he had tears in his eyes. So hopefully now we can build on this. Maddie I am so pleased you had a sign from Dawn I know Marcus said that spirit will find a way of connecting with you and will use what they were happy using in life. Anneka, that is so lovely for you too. Now all we can do is walk along this road, knowing that our sons and daughters walk by our side.
with love helen
Dear Helen
I found your message so comforting and I’m sure others will too. The thought that our beloved children will use what they were happy with in life is a lovely thought to hang on to.
I am so glad that things are moving forwards with Geraint. I think grief accepts us all in very different ways.
Much love xxx
Oh Helen, I am so pleased for you perhaps Geraint has actualy come to his senses and 2019 will be a turning point. We all deserve a bit of peace after what we have all been through, its bad enough losing one child let alone two. Love Maddie x
Hi Maddie & Victoria,
Thank you so much, I am babysitting the twins and Stanley Saturday night so they can go to Geraint’s friends 40th birthday party. I went to John Lewis Saturday to look for a dress in the sale, (I am going to Thailand in March) and somehow out of nowhere it washed over me losing Sam…and then suddenly out of nowhere came Mr Brightside by the Killers Sam’s favourite band and the song they played at his funeral, and it was so loud and clear yet I know from before that the music John Lewis have is quite sort of low key almost background music. I do believe Sam was kicking my backside for getting so maudlin!!
with love Helen
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Hi Hele, Maddie and everyone. Can’t believe we are now in the month of February. I am so pleased Helen that there has been some positive news regarding Geraint and I hope things go from strength to strength. As it gets closer to the 11th of this month I can feel myself becoming more and more panicking and reliving those awful ast days with our darling, Daniel. Dreams have been full of him and in some weird way I feel he is trying to comfort us. Having the snow yesterday made me remember all the fun times we had snowballing and making weird and wonderful snowmen. I wonder how you all are copying? I still breakdown and find the tears coursing down my cheeks. Missing so badly and find it hard to really understand the purpose of us being here at all. This grief is such a horrendous journey. Sending love to you all. Wynne
Dear Wynne, Helen, Maddie and all friends,
So hard for us all. Yesterday was the first anniversary of losing our beloved Gemma. I awoke to everywhere blanketed in snow and just collapsed. Gemma loved snow so much and it really brought it all home to me. I could not stop sobbing, crying out for her. But then a calm came over me and I felt more peaceful.
I have always loved big family lunches together and Gemma’s father Peter and his wife Claire had suggested they came over too so my lovely husband put a casserole in the slow cooker, our other children Tiffany and Louis came with their partners and of course Coren, Gemma’s eldest son.
It was the best thing we could have done, being together seemed to lift us all and we somehow find strength in one another. Gemma never left my thoughts though and I know she would have loved to be there and I’m sure her spirit was with us all… I am discovering that anniversaries are so hard so I am thinking especially of you, Wynne, as you approach yours. It is so very hard for you. Do you have any plans?
It will be Gems birthday on the 10th February and that also will be hard.
This journey is very hard and cruel for all of us and I can hardly believe we survive but somehow we do.
Much love to you xxxx
Hello Wynne & Victoria
Anniversaries are very very hard to bear for us all, I have passed my second anniversary (9th December last) and move towards his birthday in October. But I remember one thing that it is 2 years nearer seeing Sam. Like you Wynne I dream about Sam often. But I know when I get down and that’s often and I say 2 years done out loud to Sam, I get back and another 20 to do…and all I can see is Sam laughing, and saying for ***** sake get on with your life and I’ll see you in 20 years!! What can I say to that , I know Sam is all around me all the time. Things are steadily improving with Geraint, but I now have my mother to cope with. Sometimes she can be really spiteful and at others as good as gold. She is 84 now.
Heyho lets get on with it…as Sam would say!!
With love Helen
Dear Helen and all,
I am so glad things are improving with Geraint. But honestly what is wrong with people! My sister has stopped all contact with me because of Gemma’s funeral. Coren who is 22 could not cope with everyone seeing his mum in her casket and so our vicar (who we know well) suggested a v small service at the crematorium just for close family. We then had a service of thanksgiving in church in the afternoon. My sister took exception to this, refused to speak to me on the day and cut contact. I would not dream of telling her how she should plan her daughter’s funeral. But I feel that life is too short and have just accepted it. My brothers are lovely and have been so amazing.
I also feel that we have to do whatever it takes to keep going and I can’t worry about everyone else’s feelings at the moment.
Much love xxx
Hi All, everyday is a challenge for us bereaved parents. It’s the unexpected reactions of the people we are close to which clearly causes many of us so much distress on top of our grief. The fact that these situations have arisen due to loss of our daughters and sons is why we find them so incredibly painful.
Life continues around us, we can’t stop it, we can’t turn back the clock, we can’t change things. We just have to try to get through it as best we can. We torture ourselves with “why? and “what ifs?” My lastest attempt at trying to cope is the thinking that whatever I have no control over, I shouldn’t worry too much about. Sounds doable, but it’s not always easy.
Love to all x
HI helen, wynne Victoria , and bir89, how we are all struggling, no we cannot turn back the clock, and we have no choice but to carry on, . I am feeling no one mentions Dawns name anymore only my lovely granddaughter, we speak of when she was happy and the awful timEs when
the consultant said she had only a few hours to live, an Aimee actualy asked him iwhy Dawn couldn’t have a new liver , please her. there are so many things I wtsh I could change in those last few hours and I keep torturing myself ,why we did not stay with her when she passed , I know it was 2 15 am but we still had her and it would never be the same again. Why is things not getting better , I find the longer its going on the worse it gets , I miss her so much. Love to all Maddie x
Oh Maddie
My heart breaks for you, but you cannot torture yourself with what if and why because they are the words that are the ones that topple you into that black hole, I know I’ve been there…things change for us they don’t get ‘better’ we just learn to walk alongside our grief. Dawn is all around you, just sit quietly and open up your heart and mind and in she will fly and she will make you remember the things that she did the things that she loved doing the daft things that she did now and again those special moments you all had together…and she will make you smile because she was so special to you and she for one would not like to see you torturing yourself like this it hurts her to know you are hurting so much…with all my love Helen
Hi Helen, thankyou for your words of support, I do always feel better after reading your post. I must tell you this when we got up in Saturday, my husband asked me if I knocked the small angel which we have in front of Dawns photo as the wing and the halo was on the floor. I did not touch it so it is a complete mystery how this could of happened, John isn’t convinced it was Dawn as it was an angel why would she destroy an angel of all things? But do you think Helen things do happen that you cannot make sense of ? With LOVE Maddie x
Hello Victoria, I am so glad you managed to get a little bit of reliefe on Gemmas anniversary , as its such a traumatic day to get through, keep thinking of what it was like the year before. I know I went through it minute my minute it was sheer torture… Will be thinking of you on Gemmas birthday, and hope you have your lovely family around you as it does help to get through such a sad time . Love Maddie x
Hello Maddie,
You are quite right, Dawn knocked that angel over, and it wasn’t her that broke it but the table it landed on, she was just trying to tell you she’s here. I get up some mornings and Sam has moved the shells around on my bathroom window sill and opened the shell box just to let me know. Marcus said to me they are still learning themselves the power they have and they are trying everything to let you know they are there. Imagine if you can, being completely blind and dumb to someone and you are trying to attract their attention and to let them know that you are OK. That was how Marcus described it to me, very hard. That is why you must keep an open mind and to listen and they will tell you.
I do hope you are feeling a little easier in yourself, Dawn knew you were struggling and that is why she tried to move that angel. Talk out loud and tell her you know it was her and wait she will answer.
With all my love Helen
Hi all…When we lost Christian my world seem to stop I could not imagine the world without him,but somehow our world continued it’s not the world we wanted but it’s a world that we have to accept…Our love for Christian will be with us until the day we die so I accept that the grief that we feel will be with us too…We are just so grateful to have had him in our lives and for that I will be eternally grateful… we just wanted him to be there forever…
With love to you all…Marina …
Dear Maddie and all,
Thank you for your lovely words, Maddie and for thinking of me.
I want Gemma back as she was, sitting with me on the settee and drinking a cup of coffee. I want to see her, put my arms around her, feel her and hug her. I don’t want to think of her as a willo the wisp floating around.
Oh Maddie this is so hard. How do we ever get through it?
Some days I think I can manage then the next day I just fall apart.
I’m just having a bad day and miss her so much. I hope I’ll have a good day tomorrow xxx
Hi All…I’ve read many times that the second year of losing your child can be equally as bad as the first year if not worse, and I thought how can anything be as bad as I am feeling now…It’s now a year and two months since we lost Christian…today we were in a car park trying to find a parking space when I realised the last time I was there was with Christian and that thought had me in floods of tears …also today we had to take one of our dogs to the vets I walked in and said to the receptionist I’ve come with Christian I realised what I had said and that was it I could say no more I could not even think why I was there but fortunately my husband was with me…So yes the second year can be equally as bad as the first year and thoughts like these will be with me all my lifetime…but such a small price to pay for all the love Christian gave us…Love to all and take care …Marina xxx
Hello Marina
Yes you are right the second year is harder than the first, and the words you used “the thoughts will be with me all my life” made me too realise how lucky I was to have had Sam in my life and I am very grateful for all the love that Sam gave me and each year that passes is a year nearer seeing Sam
with love Helen
Dear Marina, Helen, Victoria and all dear people, I read your heart rending messages and it all rings so true. So many memories are coming to the forefront as tomorrow will be two years since we lost our darling boy. It seems as if the pain is going deeper and it so hard to keep trying to go forward. Some people feel we should be coming out of the grief but I feel it is never ending. My whole body and mind aches for his presence. I am not sure what we will do tomorrow but somehow one gets through the day and night. I guess trying to keep busy may help. Inwish somehow I could believe in the afterlife but since Daniel died my faith has so far not returned. I keep all of you in my thoughts on our horrendous journey. With love. Wynne
Hello Wynne, will be thinking of you tomorrow on Daniels 2nd anniversary and hope you get through it the best you can . You are right the pain seems to gettingdeeper and people have no idea what we are actualy going through. they think because we are smiling and carry one as normal the grief has gone , and we are back to normal. I would not wish it on anyone, as its just an exitance until we meet again. Much love Maddie x