My nephew died a while ago . 10 days before him I lost my parent . And with both anniversaries coming up soon , it doesn’t make it any easier . Iv accepted they aren’t here anymore , however it’s left a big void …. My faith has kept me going tbh . To accept the Will of God . This life is a test and this has been my biggest test . Losing one was hard enough but losing two within days of eachother is a real struggle. It’s draining, exhausting and you feel no one understands the pain .
You learn to live with the loss. Build a new world. The grief doesn’t get smaller , and nor is time a healer .you start to live and see life a different way .
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Dear Aims , I am so sorry for your loss , to lose 2 relatives so close to one another must be unbearable , The anniversaries are so hard . Sending best wishes to you and your family. Maddie xx
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It’s the dead of night again.
A sound can not be heard.
I sit here in the dark.
It’s really quite absurd.
I ask myself all the time.
Do you, ever loose any sleep.
You haven’t visited for a while.
I haven’t heard a peep.
You probably watch over me.
Keeping just out of sight.
Just as darkness falls.
You are the last lingering light.
But I’ve got your number Sam.
I no you can’t let go.
You leave little signs everywhere.
That’s just how I know.
But you can’t kid me boy.
With all that sentimental tripe.
You owe me a pint or two.
You big arrogant shite.
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Oh Jim that made me laugh! Please don’t ever stop posting for us … you say it how it is and we love you for that 
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Hi Jim Like Victoria you made me giggle … amongst the tears and sadness it shows there can be be sunshine too …Marina xxx
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@maddie49
Thankyou.
I usually work myself up leading up to it . However when the anniversary date come, I just carry on
Hi jim
Brilliant. You just say it from your heart…alot of my thoughts are still so jumbled …you write and it all makes sense .its like you say what we all feeling . Ive been awake till eary hours all week . That sense of come on sam games over now .its time to come back.the emptyness is so great . Just need him here . Miss the fun the chats miss my sam … another night going to see if sleep comes big hugs everyone . …waiting for that book Jim . Xxx
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Hi Zoe, yes acceptance is the hardest part. Yesterday afternoon I was having a nap and had a moment like I’d just heard the news for the first time again. Just for a few seconds I was overcome with fear. But it very soon passes. Even now after all this time I sometimes have trouble believing he’s actually dead. I think it’s because we are so attached to our children that we just can’t let go. I know in my heart he is actually gone but there has always been a little bit of me that feels he’s still out there somewhere he just hasn’t called at the house for a while. Saying your thoughts are jumbled. I think that’s a very natural state of mind under the circumstances. I felt like that for a long time. It’s just your brain trying to adjust. It’s not a natural way to think that your child is no longer hear. We are not wired up to think like that. It takes time for your brain to reset itself. I used to sit up in floods of tears every night. I haven’t done that for a long while, however I do sit up most nights . I like the quiet and the still of the dark. I try to convince myself that Sam can see me or feel me. I suppose it’s my way of feeling we are having a bit of quality father/son time. Just me n him against the world. I know that’s just in my mind. But it gives me a bit of comfort. I’ve read lots of messages on this site and without trying to be patronizing to anyone. People seem to get caught up in the time frame thing. You often read. 12 months have past and I still feel the same. 18 months and I’m still having trouble sleeping. Or , I’ve been to the doctors and he said , blah blah blah. My experience is what we are going through can’t be measured by time constraints. We put to much pressure on ourselves to feel “normal” again. But by the very nature of what has happened we are never going to feel normal again. Not the normal that we’ve come to expect from ourselves. A better way to look at it is. You have suffered probably one of the biggest trauma,s we are ever likely to live through. So your normal has gone forever, you are never going to get that back. Normal is how you feel today, that’s it !!! It’s all about how you adapt to it. You can’t do it overnight. I’m probably 10 times stronger than I was in the beginning. But something can happen in my day (not everyday) a throw away remark. A song on the radio. Basically anyone of a million things can reduce me to tears. I still get choked up. That’s my normal. It doesn’t happen all the time. It’s not something I ever did before Sam died. But it’s my life these days. I accept that’s just how it is now. Also the time thing is different for everyone so that’s another reason you can’t use it as a yardstick. We will all probably spend the rest of our lives getting upset at one thing or another. I think we just learn to keep it under control, some quicker than others. But that’s not a sign of weakness if you still cry 4/5/6 years later. It’s all about living with the new you. People in the early days. None of this Will make any sense. That’s because all you can think about is your child. If you have never learned to drive and you jump in a car for the first time, the only thing going on in your head is how the car works, gears, engine, clutch. Trying to figure how to negotiate the roads, there is so much to take in its mind boggling. Once you can drive you can do all of the above without thinking, it becomes second nature. You can do all that stuff with your feet and hands whilst driving somewhere only now you can hold a conversation with your passenger or you can think about the week ahead . It’s the same with grief. In the beginning it’s all you can think about, as you get used to it, you can begin to have other thoughts. That’s all part of grief becoming “normal” while you are adapting to your new life.
Rite it’s 4.30am. I’m off to bed.
Thanks for listening
Jim.
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I too sit up very late now, since losing Gemma. Often I am awake at 0300. Like Jim, I use that time to think about Gemma and get my thoughts in order. I also sometimes think she is still here, living her life … I find it comforts me.
Yesterday I had to go to pick up a mirror I had bought on Marketplace. I woke up late, but set off. It wasn’t too far. Bill offered to go for me but I felt I had to go myself.
When I got to the house, the lady was there but looking confused. It turned out I should have gone the following day. She told me that it was her daughters birthday that day then told me she had passed away 3 years ago. She said ‘I don’t know why I told you that as I don’t usually tell people’. I told her about Gemma and there were so many similarities between us, it was v strange.
I ended up staying for coffee and she wants to stay in touch and meet up for lunch.
She said that she doesn’t think it was a coincidence that I turned up for the mirror on the wrong day! I do believe that people are put into our life for a reason and it was lovely to meet her xxx
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Hi Victoria. You were meant to meet. It can only be a good thing 
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Hi Victoria - it does look as though you were meant to meet that lady. I have met a few people who have lost children and there is an immediate bond. Sometimes fate takes a turn for the good and we come across the right people seemingly randomly. I read your posts and send you hugs and I wish none of us had to travel this journey. We all deserve some peace and strength as we struggle on. Sending you my best xxxxx
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Absolutely Victoria. We do meet people who have shared the same grief. Out of the blue.
Much love to all.
Kate xx
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Hi luv so sorry to hear you ve lost brackla I know how awful that feels it’s heartbreaking. I know when I’m so sad and upset my dogs are there snuggling into my lap and staring at me they know. Ur pooch will be running free at rainbow bridge. Take care luv. Shellyanne XX 
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Jonny walker has just turned up. Normal service will be resumed asap. Apologies now before anything unsavory is posted 
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Hi Jim
Good on Johnny walker
Cheers to you
Im having a vodka .
Why not think we all deserve a drink at times take care x
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Bless you Jim for all your inspiring posts, you are so good at saying what we are all feeling, hope you enjoy your meet up with Jonny W 
, I have had more than a few glasses of red and am feeling very chilled 
Zoe, I know just what you mean about feeling jumbled up and saying cone on now Sam come home now, I feel like that and it’s 3 years for me, sending you all my love 
Michelle xxxx
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Dear Victoria,
How lovely that you went to this lady on the wrong day, Gemma made that happen for sure 
this lady is blessed to have you as a new friend much love to you , Michelle xxxx
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Hi michelle
As we now know theres no time on grief .it just hurts so bad . And we cant change it . Ive had mad thoughts today . About sam . Should i have said this or done that .he was so brave for all of us we all tried to be brave back. So we didnt talk about the cancer . We could go on and on but we still be here .the same place. Cheers michelle .enjoy you wine lovely lady xx
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Hi Zoe, oh yes the could have should have nagging it never goes away, and the feeling that you talk about “come on now games over” yes . This awful sense of waiting ! Like no mans land or something. When you find out you are pregnant, 9 months seems so long , so far away, will the baby ever arrive you think, but yes it arrives then the 9 months feels like nothing at all. So many things in life you wait for , but there is usually some date to aim for , some resolution then not so far away when all that anxiety will be over. Now Waiting, empty waiting, what for ?
Will tomorrow be a better day? I agree with Jim it feels like a parallel universe, it makes no sense any more . My brain is just in a fog all the time , can’t think rationally any more, sometimes think I am going mad.
I can only hope in 3 or 4 years like Jim says we can get used to the new normal . In the mean time it just seems like Waiting, and wine to get through another hour ! I have tried the distraction the doctor talked about! ( like it’s tooth ache or something ) I think only someone who has no idea would suggest that, it would sound logical if you have not experienced this. I tried but nothing works. Just get through another hour, another day, another week that’s what we have to do .
Sending love Jess x
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Thanks Jim As others have said , you put everything so well. Keep posting , Your insight is so helpful. Don’t think you ever ramble , it all makes complete sense.
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