Fantastic 
1 Like
You will be welcome in my arms and our home my dear friend .xxxx
1 Like
Yes I do live in the States
Oh kate what a lovely thing to say .
Thank you xxx
Hi all. Itās the small hours again, need to pass the time. 
For no particular reason spent a lot of time yesterday discussing with my wife the affects death has on a parent. Not in a morbid or upsetting way. More of a, what changes occur way.
The first thing that came up. Was the question I asked yesterday. When is the right time to throw stuff away, or what do you keep.
Then we moved on to how many friends you loose. Well Iāve changed my stance on this. We asked the hypothetical question that I suppose everyone does. If you were to win the big prize on the euro lottery ,say 100 million. Apart from family which friends would you help out. Now before Sam died I would have had a list as long as my arm. Friends Iāve lived a life with. However all of them in my case have disappeared since he died. For a long time I was really angry and upset that they all abandoned me. But now Iām just indifferent to them. It took me a while to realize that " my friends". Are not to blame, itās actually just a human nature default mode. People simply canāt handle death and grieving. They donāt no how to. Only the people that have lived it (us) have an understanding. Everyone on this site in the section that we message on ( loss of a child) we have an immediate connection. I donāt need to know you, but I would have no problem corresponding or even meeting any of you because we have that connection. However the people Iāve known for 40 years or more ( my friends) would run a mile before they would go out of their way to meet or even talk to me. So I donāt blame my once friends. We just grew apart because of my loss to the point they are now just people I once new. So the answer is no I would not help them out financially because they are no longer in my life. I donāt have anger towards them anymore, I let it go. And whatās more I feel better for it.
Then we spoke about the mental changes loosing a child imposes on you. I would say in my own experience. Iāve been to the very bottom emotionally. I lost myself, in everything I believed in and felt. (Not talking about faith or religion, thatās not my thing). I mean more along the lines, I lost my self esteem, my confidence. I was frightened, lost, alone. My sleep pattern has never been the same. I couldnāt relate to anyone. For a couple of years at least I was virtually just existing as a hollow shell. The days went by in a fog, there was no morning noon and night. The weather became irrelevant. It didnāt matter if it was raining or the sun was shining. I just coasted along like I was in between life and death. Nothing held any interest for me. But in a way Iāve come full circle. Iām definitely not who I used to be. The person I was before Sam died also died. Iām someone else now. My thought process, my emotions, my outlook on everything is different now. Loosing a child you undertake a mental transformation. I miss my boy terribly but Iām in a reasonably good place.
Then we spoke about. ( This is quite sensitive). How long do you use the loss of your child as an excuse. By that I mean. People judge you. Oh he lost his son 12 months ago. He should be over it. Or. Well youāve had 6 months off work, how long do you need. Or for me personally I get a little annoyed at my mother, she was never overly close to my son. They did have a relationship donāt get me wrong but she was never the doting grandmother. But she uses the fact sheās lost a grandchild as a form of sympathy card that she carries around with her. See when I meet people I donāt introduce myself as, hi Iām Jim , I lost my son 7 years ago. Because strangers are not interested. However thatās exactly what my mam does. Nearly every week I see her and she will tell me, I was talking to a woman on the bus and I told her about Sam. Now I no these people are not interested. Fir a couple of years i didnāt know people arenāt interested, as I was blinded by grief. But for a long time now I never bring Sam up unless itās on here with you fantastic amazing people. So I think going round telling everyone you lost a child, I donāt think it does you any favors because whomever youāve told will immediately judge you and treat you accordingly which is usually to avoid you.
Then we spoke about this site. Iāve found so much help via reading peopleās messages, I can gauge myself and learn things from others in the same boat. Way more helpful from taking advice from people who havenāt walked in our shoes, doctors and or the local church people. This site has been a go to place of refuge. I can channel my thoughts and emotions with out being judged or have people give you the eye roll. Thereās no pressure here. You can come on anytime you like, you can move on if you donāt need it as much, just dip in and out when it suits, I no there are plenty that just read and never comment, thatās fine, nobody has to do anything they donāt want. I write a lot as Iām off work at the mo, for something unrelated.so I have plenty of time on my hands, I also find it therapeutic. Plus if I can help even one person then thatās definitely a positive.
Right 3,30am. Better try my bed I think.
Thanks for listening.
Jim
5 Likes
Jim, you are spot on as you always are.
For me the early days of grief would literally take my legs from under me. I would lie on the floor howling with grief for my baby, yes, my baby. 31 years old as she was I felt she had been ripped from my body.
Then, gradually I started to mend a little. Longer between meltdowns, able to go out places and not just sit in a daze not really hearing the conversation.
Our granddaughter kept us going, Jemma too as she dotes on Brooke. This little gift of life Lisa left us to keep us all alive.
We are so lucky to have her .
Also, we had looked after Jeeves, Lisa dog whilst she was in hospital, or rather Alan did but then he stated with us for the rest of his life. 2 years we had him. Bless his little heart, for sometime after I had returned home he would jump up on the chair at the window when any car drove up to see if it was his Mum. He would greet Jamie and Brooke then run passed them to look for Lisa. Animals are so faithful.
Anyway we soon got into a routine and I would walk him with Brackla. They were good pals and I think he was happy here. Sadly both are now gone.
So, you are right. This is where we can tell each other how we are all coping on a day to day basis without the āoh not againā look.
Take care dear friends.
Love to all. Kate xx
3 Likes
Morning Kate,. Most definitely we do transition over time. And dogs are wonderful creatures they definitely pick up on stuff. If only they could talk .
4 Likes
Hi Racey , what part of the states do you live ? We have been to Florida about 32 times . Vagus 3 , Washington DC 3 And Boston , and New England . So love everywhere Dawn loved Florida , we scattered a bit of her in her favorite place Disney World in 2017 , and would give anything to go back . Take care Maddie xx
Hi Victoria,
Like Jim said you were meanāt to meet. Like you Jim and all I too find myself waking around 3 or 4 in the morning and I start talking to Sam.
Jim, I read your post and it is like that for me. It will be 6 years for me on the 9th December and he will be 40 on the 17th October.
Love Helen
4 Likes
Hello friends
Iāve been catching up on all your posts and realise some new people have joined this thread. Iām so sorry for your lost children, but know you have met the kindest hearts here, sharing and understanding your pain.
Jim is bang on with his postsā¦time doesnāt healā¦it just strengthens us against feeling it all the time but there are times itās as though it was yesterday.
It will be Henryās 33rd birthday on the 5th October. Iām already dreading it 
. He died in 2019.
As some of you know shortly after Henry died, my nephew Oli took his own life. Then his mother, my sister in law died from Covid. Then I lost my uncle whom I was extremely close to and finally my Dad died. Five deaths in 27 months.
It felt as though we were just getting accustomed to one going when another went and all the grief gets mixed up in our heads and hearts. For me my sonās death is absolutely the worst pain ever and these other losses have added to it.
Iāve had two vivid dreams recently where my uncle visited me. He looked amazing and said he wasnāt dead and wanted me to know. He said he knew I was expecting him.
Whatās so frustrating is Iām desperate to hear from Henry in the same wayā¦but nothing.
The table lamps in our spare bedroom keep coming onā¦ā¦sometimes togetherā¦sometimes not. They are not faulty. Iāve ended up buying a little camera to film the room constantly- just to see if anything gets picked up in there. Henry would think that funny as he was such a practical joker.
Whatever happens Iāll end up in a box myself and that knowledge does push me along.
Yes Victoria, your mirror lady has a similarity to someone Iāve met who has moved to our estate. Sheās lost a son, has had other very similar things happen and we share a birthday. She inspires me as she keeps enjoying the life sheās been left with and appreciates it. Iām learning from her.
Henry used to tell me that everything that touches you in life is managed in your own head and itās up to you to manage it. No one can do it for you.
So here we still are and they are just away a bitā¦waiting to see us. They are not really lostā¦but gone on ahead.
Sending you all love and a hug.
Purple
2 Likes
Hi Purple , my God you have been through an horrendous time the last few years . But I know losing Henry , well what can I say my heart aches for . . I am sure you will have a bisit visitation from Henry ., as I think I told you when we met , that I had one from Dawn , it was very brief but she looked happy and well , And after having a reading from Jackie , which was like a phone line to Heaven . I know we will see them again . When my husband ask Dawn , will you be there to meet me when I go , and bless her she said yes but not yet . How do you exsplaine something like that . Take care and hope to see you again soon . Sending hugs Maddie xxx
2 Likes
Hi Maddie
So many here have suffered multiple bereavementsā¦.they all keep on going somehow. Itās inspiring being in this group. As Jim says though these deaths have totally changed us all.
I am so desperate for a clear message from Henry which I probably need to relax about! That might help things.
I know youāve found a connection to Dawn which is wonderful. 
Yes would love to meet up again. Letās keep in touch about it.
Love to you and John.
Purple x
2 Likes
Hello Purple,
Henry sounds like Sam, a practical joker, we always go away on the 9th December the date Sam passed we go for a week in a cottage somewhere usually Cornwall, or Dorset. We live in Bristol, last year we went to a thatched cottage in Dorset and it had a beautiful lamp but it would not go, we checked the bulb fuse socket etc. but to no avail, yet we came down in the morning and it was on. I knew that Sam had done that and I am sure Henry is having a good laughā¦and is letting you know that heās still around. And yes they are there waiting for us to arrive.
Love Helen
3 Likes
Thanks Helen. I so hope itās him. Interesting Sam was a joker too
Terrible being so desperate. 
On a positive note, my sister had her cards read today - she told Sue that both her nephews were settled on the other side. One of them is so sorry for the pain he caused his Mum. So, could that be me or my sister in law who is now in spirit with her son, Oli??
She also said our Dad was there, holding hands with a ābig ladyā. We think this is his mother as she was a large framed woman.
At the end of the reading she said āyour Dad has come back to me and heās waving a hanky and is blowing kissesā. Dad used to wave goodbye with his hanky so this really gave Sue (and me) some comfort.
Sending love and thank you for your supportive words.
Purple x
1 Like
Dear Purple,
I love your positivity and comforting words.
How lovely to get that reassurance when you had your cards read. I would love to meet up with you again soon.
We have Gemmaās darling son, Charlie, staying with us. Yesterday he talked about his mummy and told me how he canāt remember her voice any more. I do have a video she sent me just 2 weeks before we lost her, but not sure whether I should let him see it. You can hear her in the video and I canāt watch it myself.
Well later that evening a door suddenly slammed upstairs then when he was in his bedroom, the photo of Gemma fell over.
He was upset and I had to take the photo out of the room for him. I never know what to do for the best but just be guided by my instincts. Our darling boy said he is worried there is a ghost in the house but we had a chat and reassured him. It is hard for him to make sense of everything and all we can do is make sure he knows how much he is loved and how much he was loved by his mummy xxx
2 Likes
Hi Maddie I live in upstate New York itās about 6 hours away from New York City. Elmira New York itās a little city. That is so beautiful that you spread the ashes at Disney world. I still have My sonās ashes I have not decided what I want to do with them yet. I just ordered a pillow with a picture of my son on the pillow. I received it in the mail and of course I started crying. His anniversary of his death is coming up in October and I have been more teary lately than usual.
2 Likes
Such lovely words, Jim and I can identify with this xx
2 Likes
Hi Victoria
Yes itās so difficult knowing what to do for the best. Follow your instinctsā¦youāre very intuitive.
I think the word ghost is spooky but spirit, essence or imprint is less so.
Iāll message you about meeting up. The school holidays have been hectic with grandchildren so Iām looking forward to it being a bit quieter. Not complaining thoughā¦they all bring a joy.
Sending you loveā¦so glad for your friendship.
Purple x
1 Like
Yesā¦it takes a time to realise this is it now for us. Sink or swim.
Thanks Jim
Purple
2 Likes