Thanks Jim.
This is a good analysis of grief.
At present though I don’t see how I can absorb and accept all this grief and create a new self.
Went to a further funeral today the 15th in 2.5 years and we are not a big family, some have been friends. My daughters funeral and loss was by far the worse because she was just 19 and I still think I am dreaming. At present I just don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Spiritually as well there have been no signs at all since my daughter died in May. The only thing was my partner saw a shooting star the day our daughter was conceived and observed a green shooting star the night she died and no sightings of shooting stars before, in between or since her death, and neither times were we looking for them. So whether that means anything I don’t know. X
Hi Racy…For anyone that has that first anniversary coming up is awful, you do not know what to expect your emotions are are all over the place, there are times you can’t stop crying you dread that day coming and when it does you manage to cope with it far far better then you ever thought you would, I like to think it’s our children that are out there somewhere helping to guide us through it…You will also have the love and thoughts of everyone on this site you will never be alone ,
My love and thought are with you Marina xxx
Hi Racy…I envy you where you live…I absolutely love New York there is such a buzz about it…We hope to visit again next year and hopefully get that carriage ride through Central Park that my husband keeps promising me…With Love Marina xxx
Hello Andy,
I went to see a medium just after Sam died and he told me that as spirit they have to learn again to connect to us, I am sure your daughter is all around you. It is absolutely awful I describe grief as like looking into a black bottomless pit, and one analogy somebody said to me that grief is like the waves on the ocean sometimes lapping at your feet and at others drowning you and knocking you off. them. It will soon be 6 years for me yet at times even now I can be in a heap on the floor. Sam was 34 when he died he was diagnosed with a brain tumour which they operated successfully on and we had 4 and a half years of him for want of a better expression in perfect health, but then another one appeared which was in a place they couldn’t operate so he had another 9 months but was really ill for about the last 4 weeks, he died here at home with me and all his family around him. Even seeing what I have written down starts me off, but I aalso know Sam would be annoyed at me, for slipping back so I have t keep going.
Love Helen
Thank you Helen.
That’s probably a good analogy.
At present it feels like very windy all the time gusting to hurricane force with a tidal wave behind. So sorry to hear your story.
Xx
Hi Racey, Thankyou for your reply . I feel your pain with the anniversary coming . But I can assure you the build up is worse than the actual day , and I know it will this worse thing anyone could endure. There will be many many years as you will be thinking last year we still had them , . And I know with Dawn I can remember every single minute leading up to that fateful day . But as long as you have a loving family they will get you through it . Such a shame I was hoping you were going to say you live in Florida. , as I love it so much we were due to back the week after Trump stopped us travelling to USA . I want to go back next year as would love to back to D isney to visit Dawn . But we have everything against usb. So would have been lovely to meet up . Will be thinking of you , on anniversary , With love Maddie xx
Thank you Maddie I appreciate that you will be thinking about me. No I don’t live in Florida, but my daughter and son-in-law and grandchildren do. They just move their probably about 4 months ago. I haven’t been out there to visit them yet I will have to get the gumption up because I don’t like flying.
Dear Andy, all of us here have experienced that awful feeling.
Someone said to me once that it felt like being stuck in deep mud and not being able to pull your feet free and become so exhausted and frustrated by the effort to move forward but can’t.
The first anniversary is so hard but you will get through it somehow. Its like the build up is worse than the actual day.
In time I have learnt to cope, mostly due to friends on this site. It’s just over 3 years since we lost Lisa and now I dream about her all the time. Lovely dreams. In fact yesterday in the supermarket one of Lisa’s friends called our to me to tell me that she had dreamt of Lisa all night. She said they had a great day out and Lisa was wearing her little leather jacket.
She said it was so vivid she thought it had really happened when she woke up.
We both laughed at the thought and how lovely to have a dream like that.
Time isn’t really a healer for us as that will never happen but it helps us live without our precious children, helps us to remember the happy times.
Sending love and strength to you.
Kate xxx
Hi all. A life once lived. Just been watching something on the tele, ( doesn’t really matter what it was). But something happened were a bloke looked at a photo of him stood with someone who had passed away, it gave me food for thought. Of a life I once lived with my son in it. From the day he was born he was in every part of my life. Your children become the very make up of your existence. I remember a time growing up leaving school, starting work, trying to find your feet, your place in society. Then when you have kids, suddenly life all fits into place and you realize what the hell it’s all about. Your children are probably the biggest thing you can achieve, jobs and money and status are all secondary. Everyday whatever you are doing it involves your children. Parents and children are the very cornerstone of life. You don’t ever imagine the day they are not in it. Wasn’t really something I ever really thought about, growing old, you just assume that somewhere near or far your children will always be there. Like you can garantee that night follows day. Sam had left home and moved to London 200 an odd miles away. But he would ring me everyday on his way home from work. We were still massive characters in each other’s lives.
Then one day it stops!!!, and that’s when it hits you, you are never going to see them again, never going to hear that laugh. That cough. That singing. Them jokes. Them hugs. Them , I love you,s. You are never going to catch any of those special moments again. Them looks you gave each other when you were both thinking the same thing. You are never going to get their favorite food in again. Never going to leave a message on their phone and knowing that 100% they will get back to you. A million other things that you will never get to do again. I still don’t believe he’s gone, I probably never will. The life I once lived is confined to photographs and memory only now.
In my own personal case I’ve travelled down the road far enough that I can lead a functional life. I don’t crumble on a daily basis. I can laugh and smile. I can take a place up in society. From a distance to look at me you would never guess that I used to be in a life once lived.
It’s not all doom and gloom. I’ve gone from being an empty shell when he first died. Then a couple of years as a zombie. It felt like I had fallen down an endless pit . I couldn’t find my feet, I didn’t fit in anywhere. Now I have reached a place where I can compartmentalize (big word 
) things in my mind. I can get on with life. Ok it’s not the same. But it’s the one I’m left with so I try to do the best I can with the tools I’ve got. 90% of the time I’m good. There will always be things I have to navigate . But compared to how I was when I lost him. I’ve come on leaps and bounds
Thanks for listening.
Jim
Oh Jim .
This new us i dont want it . What youve said so true. We now have memories. I dont want memories i want sam the real deal .my house is empty .without him in it. The fun the laughter .our beautiful children.
My daughter said today oh mum .when you and dad go i always thought i be ok i will have sam they was best friends he spent every day there . Its wrong on every level.Bobby was crying today saying he needed uncle sam .hes 9 . I suppose time will make it a bit easier i cant see it . But its the new road we travel .because thats all we have . Big hugs zoe x
One mad thing happened tonight. I left my daughters house and has i shut the door i could smell. sams aftershave lacastote red it followed me to the car . It made me say out loud night sam look after jess . Mad i know 
Hi Zoe,. I don’t think you’re mad at all. I genuinely think some of us are lucky enough to get little signs in whatever form they come in. I no there will be those out there and not necessarily from this community will assume that we just imagine we’ve had “signs” or it’s just wishful thinking. But some of us me included have seen or heard or felt things that simply can not be explained. Since Sam died we have had countless things that have happened in this house. Far to many to mention. I have people in my own family (not my wife) that dispell such claims. But I don’t care what they think. I no what I no.
We do have to travel this road Zoe, you are right. There is no alternative, we are stuck with it wether we want to or not. There’s no going back as much as we would like to. But on the bright side, if there is such a thing in these circumstances. You will think of your " passed" children in a better light. See in the beginning you are in shock and denial. The pain is so intense that it blinds you to the point that it’s all you have in the early days. But without being patronizing. You learn to see again. You remember the good bits. You find yourself laughing at jokes you once shared. You will do things that remind you of your son or daughter and you will be comfortable with it. Your tears won’t always be of sadness. I suppose as you get stronger the guilt you feel begins to disperse and you can let the good memories back. Things will happen that will light up your day or bring a loving warm smile to your face again. Of course you will always miss them and get upset. I can think of Sam sometimes and burst out laughing. That would have been totally unimaginable for the first few years at least and if ever I did smile or laugh I would feel shame and guilt for expressing such emotions. That doesn’t happen now. In the beginning nobody explained to me how this whole thing works. I’ve had to find out for myself. My measuring board is gauging how I feel now as opposed to how I felt in the beginning. Better, stronger, more positive. Able to see things for what they are.
I wouldn’t wish the pain on my worse enemy. But it does get less. You adapt. Ok. Think I better go and try n get some sleep it’s 4am. AGAIN!!! Bet my boy thinks it’s hilarious that I’m up every night.
Take care
Jim.
Hi Zoe, I have been having that experience too. At random times, ususlly when Im feeling very down, I get a sudden really strong scent. I always respond by voice “hi Niall”. It’s very comforting, hope you found some comfort in it. Sure they are looking over us sending messages.
Take care. Xx
Interesting posts. I just wish I could get a sign. It was my birthday yesterday. Worst birthday ever could not face it. People kindly bought presents and just could not open a card or anything. I use my daughters perfumes and body sprays so I can smell her on me. That’s all I can do. Hopefully I might be able to open a card or something today I don’t want to come across ungrateful because I am very grateful for the kindness of friends and my partner. I talk to my daughter every day but no sign or unusual events yet. My birthday was so important and such a big thing for my daughter so thought some sign may have come yesterday. I could live another twenty years or so longer than my daughter was on this earth and it seems so unfair. Xx
Hi Andy im so sorry for your loss . The sad thing is we all waiting for a sign .hoping i see a robin. I smile. Then i get sad coz all we have is memories and signs . I would love to dream of sam but i dont .but my daughter jess has and his come and said to her dont worry im ok . That gives me comfort . Dont worry your daughter will give you a sign .early days the trauma is great .we have so much going on in our muddled brain . My torment . did i say sam your courageous he was so brave and dignified 24 getting told you have less than a year .he lasted 4 months .he was our superhero .did i give him enough praise. Like jim says you sort of have this guilt. I had survied breast cancer . But they was taking my son.it was wrong on every level.
I have no answers Andy .but ive had great comfort from the lovely people on here .i would be lost and alone without this sight . I come on here no one judges and theres always someone to help you along …
Thank you jim you always make sense . And always give hope that this terrible journey will get more accepting
Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend take care zoe xxx
Hi Jim,
Summed up exactly, that is how I feel I’m 6 years down this long road yet everyday I still wake and just for a few seconds think I had a horrible dream, then you realise. It is a hard road we travel, becuase it’s not the right order they should be missing us.
Love Helen
Hi Susan and Zoe,
Susan you are absolutely right, I was told by a medium that they will use electricity and anything they were comfortable with when they were here with us.
So glad you smell Niall around that is as you say so comforting.
Zoe and Andy, it is so hard and unrelenting, even now I try not to give myself too much time to think otherwise I would be falling in that black hole again and I would struggle to get out. It is very very tiny steps, Andy when you least expect it your daughter will let you know that she is around, love between a parent and child cannot ever be broken.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them
Love Helen
Hi Helen. You are 12 months behind me. It really does fly past. I could relive every second of his last day like it happened yesterday. I no exactly what you mean. About the dream. It usually occur,s just as you come out of a deep sleep and start to regain consciousness. For a few seconds it hits you like you have been wired up to the mains. But I think you are like me. Enough time has passed that for want of a better phrase we can get a grip on the situation quickly. I can’t speak from experience but I would have thought we will suffer from blips in the road for the rest of our lives. And when I get to meet my boy again I shall tell him so 
Hi Jim
You and me both, my son is called Sam also…he would expect me to get on to keep trying. I found this poem and I tink it about sums us up!
Love Helen
So true Helen. So true . We got here because we are strong 