Thats lovely Victoria hope your ok lovely lady xxx
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Thank you Zoe ā¦ feeling calmer now and I have decided to write to my sister so I hope that will go okay xx
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Hi all,. Reading the past few messages just confirms something Iāve always thought. Itās always someone else,s words or actions that cause the most upset. That applies at anytime in your life. But when you are grieving it is amplified 10 fold. I never realized how vulnerable I actually was after I lost my boy, up until the first time someone said something to me that I felt was misplaced. I suppose at any other time in my life I would have bitten back immediately. Yet when you are grieving it seems to hit you so much harder. You close yourself off in your own little bubble and try to analyze whatever it was that upset you. Before you know it youāve nose dived into that black hole again. I remember not long after Sam died (weeks). I bumped into someone I,d known for years. While swapping pleasantries I asked weather heād heard my son had been killed a few weeks previous. Heās answer still baffles me to this day 7 years later. He said. āOh no!!! Iām sorry I didnāt know, I was talking to your brother yesterday and he never mentioned itā. No big deal. But it felt like a knife threw the heart. I came home and said to my wife. Why would my brother not mention the death of my son so soon after it happened. I would have thought it would have been the first thing he would have said. I couldnāt understand it and never have. Shortly afterwards I asked my brother why he hadnāt mentioned it and he just said . " I just never thought to mention it". He was quite dismissive about it like it was nothing. It bothered me for a long long time. It upset me greatly. I really took it personally. Like my son didnāt matter. Itās only now that I realize people do and say stuff all the time that can hurt or upset you or you can fall out. But itās so much worse when you are in that vulnerable position. No doubt we can all think of umpteen things people have said or done that upset us. Grieving for a child strips you back to the bare bones. You donāt have any of that armour that usually deflects such comment or behavior. Even when we think we are doing really well as Victoria says, just one sentence or an unkindly act from a person can absolutely knock you sideways. We donāt ever truly get back to being that person we once were. God Iāve lost count at some of the silly things that make me cry. I never cried before. Since my boy died itās changed me in so many ways. All the time I try to say something nice to people as you never know what a person is going through. All of us on this site are living testament to that fact. A kind act does so much good and you will always remember, but also whilst grieving someones bad behavior can do so much damage. Unfortunately if you have never lost a child you donāt have a clue what upset your misplaced comments can cause. As Iāve mentioned before after Sam died we lost all our life long friends but to be honest I wouldnāt want to know them now if ever ( very unlikely) they decided they wanted to get back intouch. Itās been to long and the damage has been done. As the old saying goes , you can lead a horse to water but you canāt make it drink. Itās the same with people. You can tell them about your grief but they will never feel it.
Ok thanks for listening
Jim
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Hi Victoria, as you told me the other day , you thought of writing your sister a letter . Yes get it sent , and tell her exactly how you feel , she is not a nice person . She had no right to upset you at Gemma passing . And not to invite you to her daughters wedding , when your daughter Tiffany was bridesmaid anyone would be upset . Glad you are holding up . Yes Jim , people can be so hurtful , a few months after Dawn passed , we were going with our friends for the day . , we have known them since we were carrying the girls . I was having a bad morning and had been crying , and all she could say , laughing was are you having a bad day . Donāt know why we are still talking to them but we are . She has never really been comforting. Thank god for this site , otherwise I would be grieving alone . Take care everyone . Maddie xxx
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I am sorry to hear all these issues with friendships and invites. Because we had a daughter with Autism we soon ended up where we were not invited to parties and to other social events. So for years we were quite isolated. So I think friends we still have will remain friends, time will tell. When the lock downs came and people could not socialise I felt like saying welcome to our world.
I am not sure if anyone has experienced this. In addition because my daughter had no friends and struggled with relationships it was a contributory element to her death. I canāt believe in this day and age why people would exclude a child and why a child with autism would get so bullied at school. So nothing would surprise me as to the cruelty that can exist in this world. Andy Xx
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Dear Jim, Victoria, Maddie and all friends. Its true how heartless people can be but we really donāt expect it from close family. I donāt have experience of this but I can certainly ser how much pain this would cause.
Family or not I would cut the ties. If they can hurt you so much, you Donāt need them in your life.
For myself, today I felt so loved and understood. I met my beautiful friend who moved here only 4 years ago and found she had breadt cancer 4 months after moving.
We all rallied and took turns in taking her to and from the hospital for some time. We are all very close but today I met her on a dog walk. Her lab and mine were chasing a ball and I suddenly started to cry. Miranda through her arms around ne and said she had been thinking about Lisa a lot and what a strong young woman she was. I said I had been into Inverness and felt lost and lonely without little Brooke as I try not to go on my own . Just because Lisa and I would go shopping and laugh a lot and go for lunch and now I look ahead hoping she will suddenly be there but no, thatās never going to happen. I just felt so low so as soon as I had done what I needed to I left. Not half an hour tbh.
Then when walking Pulteney I missed Brackla too , so much.
I was just overcome with the loss of our beautiful girl ,her dog Jeeves and our beautiful Brackla. I know the loss of our child is not the same but the dogs were connected to her which makes it all so sad.
Sorry to prattle on but, hey, thatās what we do here .
Love to all , Kate
BTW feel better for posting here.xx
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Dear Andy , so so sorry to hear about what you and your poor Daughter went through, people can be so cruel . I used to do school runs and most of my children had autiisum. , some suffered not making friends , but some are very talented. You must feel so bitter , and I canāt blame you . Sending hugs Maddie xxx
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Dear Andy, I am so sorry for your loss and completely understand about exclusion due to autism.
My necessary had twins, a boy and a girl. The wee boy had issues from quite a young age and it was many years before his Mum and Dad got a 'Statement ā that he was on the spectrum. They had very little support living in the Lake District and sadly their marriage ended because of the lack of support. Ended up with my niece isolated at home with a sometimes violent and disruptive teenager. However, his Dad eventually took him to live with him (albeit with numerous live in girlfriends) but, to be fair, he did get him through college and into a job in computer Web building. He is now doing really well, has a good relationship with his Mum and siblings but the scars of the past will always haunt my niece. Yes she had moved on. Has a great social life and good work life balance but those who abandoned her will never be allowed back into her life.
Take care my friend. You will never be let down by anyone here.
Much love Kate xx
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Dear Kate,
I totally understand what you mean about the loss of the dogs and no of course there is no comparison with the loss you feel for Lisa, its still so upsetting though as itās another part of the old life you have lost, they were part of that happy life you had when Lisa was here and now itās getting further away, am so glad you had your lovely friend with you to give you a hug 
Much love Michelle xxx
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Dear Michelle, thank you for your kind words. We all understand each other here on this site.
Yes it was so nice to meet Miranda walking Ruby. Our dogs love Ruby and they play together. So lovely to see. In fact the hug from Miranda and watching the dogs chasing round and having fun, lifted my spirits.
Sending love to you and all.
Kate xx
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Thank you Kate.
Itās very difficult when you have a child with special needs and you cannot get the support. I think itās even worse now than ever before, and there is a huge lack of understanding even with NHS staff. I am probably not making much sense having a bad morning and still canāt believe my daughter has died. She was such a strong and loving girl. Andy X
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Hi Andy, you are going through the worst time that any parent can, and added to this I am sure you must have spent a lot of time in the past trying to get the help and support you needed for your girl. You wonāt need me to tell you that special needs parents struggle, struggle and struggle. Then to lose her despite all your love and care is a very bitter pill to swallow. The last ten years of cruel cutbacks has decimated social services, special schools and respite care. All those cutbacks fell on those who needed help the most but werenāt able to shout the loudest. I worked with special needs kids and saw some of the misery that lack of resources caused kids and parents. Itās a broken system and chronically underfunded. None of those things are parents fault in any way. You loved and fought for your lovely girl and neither she nor you got all the care and support you needed. I say all this to remind you that you did all any parent could. Right now you are in deep grief and more than likely traumatised. I know itās a tall order right now but I hope, over time you will be able to find the strength to be kind to yourself. You have my respect and admiration for all the strength you needed to cope and all the love and care you gave. When my daughter died I donāt know how I carried on breathing. What has helped me is taking all the help Iām offered, all of which I had to seek out for myself. Iāve mentioned Compassionate Friends who have given me help that is free but priceless in their understanding of what parents go through and their ability to provide good quality support from other parents. Their is no short cut to feeling that life is still worth living after all thatās happened but travelling the road with others is a very good start. I am so pleased every time that you post on here because I know it helps. Nothing can take the pain away but on here everyone can be honest. No oneās saying āmove onā or āget a gripā because we know itās hard and we will always carry our kids in our heart. Someone on here said to me, in the very early days, something like we always carry them in the pocket of our hearts. I send you all my very best and wish you some moments of peace. Xxxx
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Andy, the initial shock is the worst feeling. We just canāt grasp what had happened. It takes a long time to heal even a little.
We here are all at different stages but the pain is always with us.
Thinking of you and sending love and strength.
Kate xx
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Dear Nell,
I have just read your post in support of Andy and am full of admiration, its difficult to know what to say sometimes to support others but your words are powerful and spot on it was me that said our children are safely tucked in our heart pockets this is what I believe and while we remain on this earth they will stay with us until its our time to join them, sending you much love from Michelle xxxx
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Dear Andy,
You are making perfect sense, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter 
we are all here for you even though we walked different paths to get here we are all on the same journey together sending you love and gentle hugs and hope tomorrow is better day, take care my friend love Michelle xxxx
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Hi Victoria
I havenāt been online for a few days. So sorry to hear youāve been down. I canāt say anything about your sister as Iāll be banned from the siteā¦but I can say you donāt deserve such appalling treatment. Good thing I donāt know her as Iād probably biff her on the nose!
Why people are cruel is something Iāll never understand- especially in our circumstances. But they areā¦ā¦just know you have us all to tell you we careā¦we understandā¦.and weāre here for you!
Iāll message about meeting up.
Sending you love and a hug
Purple
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Dear All,
On this desperately sad day, I had such a strange thing happen. I had found an old poetry book which I hadnāt read for years and I left it on my coffee table.
I love looking at the moon and earlier opened the door for fresh air and to gaze at the moon for a few minutes.
When I came in, I picked up my poetry book and a sheet of paper fell out. It is titled āHer last wordsā by Courtney Parker. It is a poem about a girl who doesnāt feel as though she fits in this world and takes her life, just like my Gemma. It is completely heart rending and took my breath away.
Some of the final lines are āborn in the wrong time and in the wrong place, itās okay though ācause youāll see me soon, just look at the moon, as it shines bright throughout the nightā. Then ā¦ āand yes I lost my fight but please just hold on tight. Iām watching you from the clouds above, and sending down the purest and whitest dove, to watch over you and be my helpful eyeā ā¦
So much in this for me as at the exact time we lost her, a pure white dove flew straight up and out of the trees. Gems also loved clouds and I had bought her a book about them. I hope this is a sign for me xxx
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Dear Victoria,
Oh this is so special a definite sign from your precious Gemma, you can sleep well knowing your lovely girl is with you always 
such a sad day today as you say, God Bless our lovely Queen
Sending much love to all, Michelle xxxx
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Hi Victoria, what a beautiful thing to happen. That is definately a message and you should take great comfort from it. These messages we get are to let us know our children arelooking over us and that they are waiting till we meet again.
Love to all xxx
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Oh how beautiful. That is a definite sign for you. Itās brought tears to my eyes itās so lovely I hope that has brought you some comfort that she is ok and watching over you XX shellyanne XX 
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