Hi Zoe…Like you I truly believe our children are still with us watching us and keeping us safe.one morning last week I went into Christian’s old bedroom and the scent that hit me was so strong I couldn’t move for it was the scent of the aftershave that was Christian’s favourite the one he always used …and when he moved into his own place he took it all with him,when Christian died and we went to sort his things out I threw it out …I am now more convinced than ever our children are still with us,Lots of love Marina xxx
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I kwft jesses house it was late the aftershave followed me to the car then it was gone . He was keeping me safe xxx
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It is such an uplifting and blessed feeling realising they are still with you xxx
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I can so identify with that too (my son’s story is in another thread). I gave what people all said was an amazing eulogy for my son at the celebration of his life only a week ago. There were hundreds of people there. So many people have said that they could never have done that, they’d feel far too much grief. And I don’t feel grief? Perhaps it was well-meant but also so thoughtless. I gave one of the many eulogies as my son would have expected it from me. But since holding myself together during the many months of his agonising cancer, then after his death when there was so much organising to do, and then the funeral - now a week later I am growing under a massive blanket of sorrow. And I am brave? No I’m not! I’m grief-stricken and don’t see any way, out and people asking ‘How are you’ or saying ‘you’re so brave’ doesn’t help me at all.
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JoeysMom, I know exactly what you are saying. We made sure our daughter had an amazing service, we wanted it to be a rememberance of her not a morbid get together. It was sad, but we made people smile and even laugh at some of the things she had done/said throughout her short life. She was only 21 and passed unexpectedly in hospital, and we still don’t know why.
She was my world, we did everything together, my best friend as well as my daughter and I miss her with all my heart & soul. She was my only child and I live on my own now.
I too have people saying how “strong” I am, “I don’t know how you are going to do this, she was your best friend” & very random statements. I know they are struggling to find the right things to say, but I’d rather they said nothing. My pain will never go away, I chose to get up every morning to keep her memory alive, as if I didn’t have that to focus on I would just fester in my bed. This whole situation sucks and the pain is unreal, I just send everyone who has lost a child my biggest love and hugs xx
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Your only child! I cannot possibly imagine your pain! I am so so sorry! And your daughter was so young too! We had our Joey for 41 years, although I don’t think it matters at all how old one’s child is when you lose them. It’s not the natural order of things, is it? I have another son, who in spite of his grief at having lost his little brother, is a godsend to me. I don’t know what I’d do without him, but it doesn’t make Joey’s loss any easier to bear.
I’m in awe of you that you manage to get on with your daily life, however difficult it must be to get out of bed done days. That’s the stage I’m at right now. Why bother getting up? Why? 
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Its a pain you can’t describe isn’t it. Grief is bad no matter who it is, but when its your world and someone who you love more than yourself it hurts too much. I will never get over losing her, ever. It was all so unexpected too, there was no real concern for why she was in hospital, out Dr told us that she had never experienced anything like this in her whole career as a Dr, theres an investigation to try and work out why it happened. I don’t have any doubts in the hospital, as I was there the whole time, but I do worry what the results will show, what if something could of been done different and she could still be here. I have doubted my role as a parent in this, as I protected her her whole life, she suffered with bad anxiety, and the one time she really needed me I couldn’t help her.
I don’t know how to do life without, I’m seeking help, as can’t even go back to our home to live and don’t even know if I ever can.
I’m glad you have your other son, and no that doesn’t make any difference to the pain you are feeling, but it does give you a reason to keep going. Hug him tight often and make sure he does the same to you, we can do this and I’m always here if you ever want to chat xx
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Hi Katiejane and JoeysMom. I have read a lot of the posts on here and there is some real comfort in reading them as we are all experiencing similar pain . My 19 year old daughter died in May and I still find even getting through any single day so very difficult it’s just an existence for me now. I have a grief companion through compassionate friends that helps and I joined their library too I found reading can also help. The pain and heartache and loss just cannot be explained by words its a truly horrendous experience, pain I never thought possible. The loss of our children’s lives will be with us forever and you often cannot see a way forward. But there is some hope and it’s finding a new way of living after our whole world, and expectations of life goes out of the window. The saddest of all is our children have lost their own lives. My daughter never had a relationship will never get married or have children or have another Birthday or Christmas. All the savings we had for her when she would have been twenty one and the list goes on and on. It’s such a minefield of future hurt and past memories that can also be painful or joyous but yes we must all go on in life somehow. Xxxx
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So sorry that we are all on this horrendous journey, like Andy I lost my son Scott in May, in a motor bike accident less than 500 yards from our home, he was 29, one minute he was here and literally the next minute gone forever, I don’t know how to live this new horrible, heart wrenching life, and don’t want to but I have to keep going for my remaining family. I also get people saying how strong and brave I am, and I want to scream at them that inside I have died along side my son, that I wish I could follow him, it’ll be Scott’s 30th birthday (or should have been) on Thursday and I don’t know how I’m going to get through that day, I love my son so much as we all love our children. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time and feel as though my insides are shaking, I just don’t know how we are supposed to live this life, every day I wake up and the day is darker than the one before, I keep hoping for that glimmer of light that some of you have wrote about but as yet have not seen it. Love and hugs to everyone on this devastating journey xx
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I’m so so sorry to read about your pain. And your Scott died in May! This makes me feel even more pessimistic about ever coming out from under this massive load of grief. My Joey only died on October 13th do this is all so very new yo me. After 16 months of trying to stay positive and hoping with every fibre of my body that he would recover, I dont see how there’s any point in anything any more.
This morning I got out of bed for the first time since the day after his funeral and took a shower. But screamed out my anguish there for 15 minutes because it all feels so much like a nightmare.
How can one possibly live a “normal” life again? Everyone on this site seems to be going through the same thing but hearing that, reading that, puts us in a sort of club, but not one I want to belong to. I live in Switzerland, a gorgeous country with fabulous hiking and skiing but I feel I will never get any more enjoyment out of anything anymore.
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Hi Deborah,
I did have a reasonable time, Emma gave me a little gift and said please don’t open it until you are at home. It was a silver circle with a landscape scene cut out inside if it and around the edge was written when someone becomes a memory that memory becomes a treasure I have put it with Sam’s photo.
I have t say I looked and almost fell in that black hole, I couldn’t pull myself tgether until Saturday just gone. It was awful wishing I would go to sleep and not wake up. I seem to have got myself together and although I miss Sam so much I can cope with the everyday.
Thankyou for all your kind words.
Love
Helen
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Hi Joeysmum,
I’ve been reading your posts and I’m so sad and sorry for the loss of your brave, lovely son.
My son Andrew died on 20th March this year. My one blessing is that he wasn’t ill, I’d never had to watch him suffer…well not recently at least.
He was at one time desperately unhappy with his life as he fought a cocaine addiction. He still worked, had his own flat with mortgage etc but hated his addiction.
Just over 4 years ago he had the chance to go into rehab and came out, happy, clean of drink and drugs…it was amazing.
We were always very close…we used to metal detect together every weekend and we spoke every day. He got himself a dog who he adored and life was great.
Unfortunately he had relapsed a little last year and the day I found him unresponsive in his bed he had taken a prescription drug of his friends and as he had no tolerance to it it slowed his breathing down so much he just stopped breathing in his sleep.
What I want to say is…I know everyone is different, we all have lost our children in many different ways…but…
At the beginning I thought…how will I ever live again without him? How can all these other people still be alive and he isn’t? I screamed, I hated the world but gradually I’ve been able to live again.
I take pleasure in beautiful flowers, blue skies…I’ve started detecting again. We often detected with a group and they all talk about Andrew. I talk about him to everyone I can, so many people knew and loved him.
I may be unusual…I’m certainly not hard hearted…but I feel happy again even though I still cry uncontrollably sometimes.
I just wanted to say that those first days are so awful you can’t believe you will ever smile or laugh again but…you will.
Love and warm caring hugs to you and everyone else xxxx
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Hello Joey’s mum,
I’m Helen Sam’s mum my son died almost 6 years ago aged 34 from a brain tumour. He was living in Sweden with his wife Mathilda and came home to tell me had another set of seizures and couldn’t go back so Mathilda came here. I had 4 and a half years of hoping against hope, after the 3rd year I thought he’s going to be OK so went on holiday, but it was not to be. He was told after the operation by Mr Iyer the surgeon that “you may not have a natural lifespan but you will have a life”, they went everywhere together and back to snowboarding, he became really ill about 2 to 3 weeks before he died. God forgive me but I wish it was me and believe me I know exactly how you feel becuase whilst all the time trying to stay positive for them throughout then the worst happens it will floor you and you will feel as thogh life is not worth living yourself. I know I did Sam stayed here at home with me and died in my arms which I know he wanted he hated hospitals. You will come through and gradually very very gradally over a long time the grief will subside, it will always be there it will walk alongside you and I can only explain it like waves to shore sometimes knocking you off your feet at other times just there lapping at your feet.
Please post again, we are all here on this site at varying points in our grief, but we do truly understand no one judges just love and help.
Love Helen
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Hi Joeys Mum, it’s such early days for you, but maybe I can offer a bit of encouragement. I lost my daughter 6 years ago this Christmas. 2 years after she died we decided to move back to the UK from Spain. In Spain we had a little farmhouse and ran a donkey sanctuary, we’re in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada, stunning scenery and lots of lovely creatures to look after, but I didn’t want to be there anymore, nothing gave me pleasure. With hindsight I realise I didn’t want to be anywhere! Maybe I thought moving back ‘home’ would give me my old life back but it didn’t work out. Luckily we couldn’t sell so I’m here again now, minus animals, but loving the peace and quiet and being close to nature again. I don’t know when it happened but gradually I realised that I was having more good days than bad. There’s something missing, of course there is, there always will be, but slowly, step by step, you build a new normal and the grief will sit along side you rather than crush you. In your own time, and baby steps for now, but it will come. You must be exhausted after the last 16 months too. A big hug to you, Kathy x
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Hi Kathy, Helen & Sue,
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I think only other moms who have lost a child can possibly understand the overwhelming intensity of the grief.
I do do like the analogy of waves, some knocking you over with their force, others gently lapping at your ankles. I’m afraid I’m still very much in the tsunami wave period at the moment as it’s only been less than a week. And yes, Helen, I know I will have to take baby steps. But it is so exhausting. At the moment if I’m not screaming in anger or crying with anguish, I’m just in my bed.
Did follow someone’s advice on here yesterday who said it’s good to get up, shower and out on clean clothes I did that this morning for the first time in 4 days. But I’ve gone back to bed.
Besides missing Joey so very very much I also have a truckload of guilt and regrets to deal with. My English sister-in-law, who list her apparently healthy, rugby playing 36-year-old son to a sudden heart attack 2 years ago, says this is normal and that I have nothing to reproach myself for. I loved my son more than anything and he knew it. Still, guilt at not having been able to prevent is awful, terrible suffering and fear at the end, is unavoidable I guess.
I’m so very sorry we are in this ‘club’ together, and I’m so sorry you feel such sorrow because of your lost children too - but I’m grateful fir your concern and feedback.
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Dear friend. Sadly we all seem to feel guilt at not being able to protect our children. I too carry regret and guilt at not being more forceful with Lisa before she left home at 18, about keeping up using her dual steroid/reliever inhaler.
Although she didn’t really have asthma, after her first lung collapse at 14 the doctors discovered lung scarring from when she had bilateral viral pneumonia as a baby. She was prescribed this dual inhaler to keep the inflammation stable.
However, going off to University she seemed very healthy and said she was stopping taking the inhaler! I told her she shouldn’t stop before seeing her GP but she was an adult and I couldn’t stop her managing her own health.
I think that over the next 10 years things had very gradually got worse and pregnancy probably sparked an immune system response. Even after having Brooke she seemed well for over a year then her other lung collapsed . Again she recovered but had to have steroids and then the dreaded immune suppressants. I was dead against her taking these as she had been so resistant to infection before and then got every damn virus going. Eventually contacted something on holiday which basically was her death sentence.
We always feel we haven’t done enough to stop their death. It’s not that we all didn’t do the best we could it’s just that we feel we didn’t if that makes sense.
I think about Lisa every waking minute. She just pops into my head every few seconds really, whatever I am doing.
I hope you can get up tomorrow. Be kind to yourself. Grief makes us feel ill. It’s not just the mental turmoil it’s a physical thing.
Sending you love and a big hug.
Kate xx
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Andy5, I too have read a lot, it does help but as many have said to me its still a very “raw” time as its only just over 6 weeks since we lost Megan. At the moment I cannot imagine a life without her, I’m lost and too cannot deal with the things that we will miss out on together, the children, the love (she was in a very loving relationship with a young man who was devoted to her & they had so many ideas for their future), the birthdays & Christmas’ that she loved celebrating.
Her dad (who I’m not with) very much focus’ on the photos & the memories, I can’t do either, it breaks me, more than I already am.
Its just too hard, I really don’t know how to survive this pain and feeling of guilt for not protecting her, she was my absolute world and like everyone else on this forum am heartbroken. I send so much love to all who are going through this, I wish the pain could be taken away from you all, I really do xx
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Dear friends, I lost my daughter 4 years ago and never thought I would be able to carry on. But gradually somehow I began to feel calmer over the years, which has enabled me to cope. I hope this gives heart to all of you who have lost your precious children more recently.
Like Kate, Gemma is always in my thoughts. She is my darling girl and I will love her to the end of my days when I know we will be together again. x
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KatieJane,
My elder son Kevin came over tonight for dinner and to spend the night. He’s wonderful and tells me all this will take time. He too is obviously devastated at having lost his little brother, but he’s got a busy job and lots of friends and I’m sorry - losing a sibling is not the same as losing a child. Nothing is. I have no joy left in my life and cannot imagine a day when I will ever feel that again. A close friend came over today - she hugged me and let me pour my heart out to her and I cried and cried. Then before leaving she mentioned how she had to get home as Tuesday nights they always have a big family dinner - she has 4 sons and 2 stepsons. I felt so so mean as I just wanted her to shut up. I didn’t want to hear about happy families!! How mean is that if me?
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I don’t think you should feel bad about a sense of sadness when others talk about their happy families. It’s a natural reaction when you are grieving the biggest loss of all. Seeing other families carrying on as normal, when your life is upside down, can be really painful and triggers even more that sense of loss. It’s not selfish it’s part of grieving. It’s happened to me too. Sending you hugs xxx
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