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From: darylaskewstoves@gmail.com
Hi Wynne,
I feel exactly the same, as though something has died inside me. I know it sounds like a cliche but that is how I feel.
Sometimes I find myself thinking of what happened to Gemma and I have to consciously stop myself thinking or I get this terrible rising panic.
I know it will never end for me although one year on I do feel calmer and have better days. Someone once said that we have to learn to live around our grief and that is what I will try to do.
Sending love to you all xxx
Dear Wynne, Maddie and all,
I feel so much for you all. I have changed do much since losing Gemma and feel as though I have died inside. I try to join in but can’t find joy in anything any more.
I once heard someone say that we have to try to live around our heartbreak and that is what I will try to do.
Maddie, do you know where the emails are coming from? It must be so hard for you.
Much love to you all xxx
Hi Victoria,i know what you mean about feeling like a adifferent person , you try and carry on but inside you nothing but heart ache. I have rang BT about the emailsand they said do not open them they think its a scam, my granddaughter I thought had stopped them , but they keep coming through, under different email addresses, looks like possibly Italy, (I wish it was from heaven ) Take care Maddie xxx
Dear Victoria, Maddie, Helen and all dear mothers and fathers,
I completely agree with the words you quoted Victoria, about living round our pain and heartbreak. I know that we have to keeep getting up every morning and putting on this new identity of being a parent who has lost a child. Some days the effort is just too much and I hide away from the world. On other mornings I feel a bit braver and cope better. One thing that comes through time and time again is the need to be with good people. It is been a real eye opener to find out those friends and family who have been a support and others for what ever reason seem to be all about themselves and their needs. I continue to dream vividly about Daniel and I do feel him close at times so I try to connect with him. I continue though to feel such sadness and I wonder if life will always now be like this. How are you all doing? Sending love xxx
Dear Wynne,
So true when you say that some days the effort of a brave face is too much and you hide away as that is how I feel some days. I can also get caught unawares and completely fall to pieces but I pick myself up and carry on. My husband is amazing and he is one of my blessings. I have always counted my blessings at night before I go to sleep but since losing Gemma it is so much harder.
I think I will always live now with an undercurrent of sadness.
Much love xxx
Dear Wynne,
So true when you say that some days the effort of a brave face is too much and you hide away as that is how I feel some days. I can also get caught unawares and completely fall to pieces but I pick myself up and carry on. My husband is amazing and he is one of my blessings. I have always counted my blessings at night before I go to sleep but since losing Gemma it is so much harder.
I think I will always live now with an undercurrent of sadness.
Much love xxx
Hi there, I agree with the support of friends completely we have amazing people around us who totally have blown me away with their support and kindness even when we have been unresponsive also I was told at the beginning of this nightmare that there would be friend/s who couldn’t do it and we wouldn’t see them which sadly has also been true. I dream vividly of Sam now more so in the last 3 months which I love sometimes I think that living like this is only possible during the short term and that thinking long term it is impossible. But here we are almost at a year since we last saw him and we are still going it’s so helpful to read the posts on here and know we are not alone and that the struggles we face all of you lovely people are facing sadly too. Love to you all Salxx
Hello Wynne,Helen Victoria and all,It just does not get any better ,always this constant pain . Some days I still cannot believe that it is Dawn that has actually gone . How could it be , she was so strong and bounced back so many times, but I know her body was worn out and tired, I still want to cry everytime we visit one of her resting places , she has afew ashes in with my husbands mum and there is something so final about a grave , just seeing her name on the lovely blue heart we put on it , just makes it so final. Wynne I envy feeling Danial around you and dreaming of him , I don’t seem to exsperiance this I wish I could dream of her so I could see her face again, I just feel she is slipping away so fast. and that scares me , Hugs to everyone Maddie xxx
It’s been a year and three months since we lost Christian and the sadness and heartache I feel get’s worse with each passing day…I want to see him,I want to talk to him,I want to laugh with him I just want him to be with us…I’m frightened I may forget the sound of his voice his mischievous way he had of looking at you and his laughter and when I was feeling low the way he could always make me feel happy again…I miss him so very much and the worse thing of it all is I know it’s going to be like this forever and that we will never see him again…hopefully there is another life after this one where we will be together again and that I have got to believe in.
Love to you all…it’s strange that non of us know one another but we all have a bond that ties us together.
Love to you all …Marina xxx
Dear Marina and all,
I have been thinking of your comment about ‘hopefully there is another life’. When Gemma went missing we were frantically trying to find her and I knew where she would be as she had a special place she loved and that is where she was found. The policeman would not let me go any further and said I had to go back to Gemma’s house with his colleagues. I was so distressed but as I left with them, I saw a white bird fly out of the trees and straight up into the sky. I said to the policeman ‘that’s my Gemma’. I just knew it and now it gives me a little comfort and I hope we will be together again one day.
Much love to you all xxx
Hi Helen Wynne, Victoria, Marina, and all,
Just thought I would put this quote that Sarah my daughter put on Dawns service card.it is from the film casterway with Tom Hanks a fantastic film .
; I know what I have to do now.Ive got to keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?:;What choice do we have ? except the tide will not bring our loved ones back. (sorry to be so depressing , just one of those days again ) love to all Maddie xx
Hello Victoria, Wynne & Maddie
I have read all of your comments and Maddie you’re right nothing will bring them back, but I for one know for certain that when I close my eyes for the last time (please let it be sooner rather than later) Sam will be right there with his arms outstretched. There is not a day or an hour that I do not think of Sam, or talk to him or about him. I keep him ever present in my life. I know that the little voice in my head that says back to me ‘night mum’ is Sam it is exactly how he would say it. Every time I get down my phone rings and it is either my friend Dee or John. Again I know Sam has organised that. My sister in law lost her son Ben in a football accident the year before Sam died and every time she gets down the doorbell goes and the picture falls off the wall. So I know for certain that Sam is all around me, as Ben is her. Sam will not let me give up…believe me there is many a time I have wanted to end it all, but I cannot put John or my other son Geraint through the pain that I am feeling, so I go on and I try very hard to enjoy and live every moment because that is exactly what Sam would expect of me.
Hello Everyone, I do wish I had positive signs that Jo is close. It is the 2 clairvoyants who have given me the most reassurance that she is around and will show herself at some point. She isn’t present in my dreams and I so wish she would be. I have had songs play on the radio at significant times which I believe to be from her and also robins and butterflies. I’m so glad others have some signs, it helps me to stay positive. I like you Sam’s Mum, think of Jo every hour every day.
In the meantime, I will continue to pretend and playact in this existence for others’ sake. I feel that I am coping better but tears are never far away. It is, as we are constantly reminding ourselves, living around our loss.
Knowing that there are people here who fully understand the way we feel and read our posts when we have that need, is a great comfort.
Thank you and take care x
Dear Maddie, Helen, Annette and all, Thank you for the quotation about continuing to keep breathing and to get up the next day. Sometimes though it is so hard and pointless to keep going. It helps that the days are getting longer and lighter but I just want to share them with Daniel. He was such a sunshine boy who thrived in the light but could become quite down in the longer winter days. So lovely to see the spring flowers and the blossom but hard too that we now have to almost live for our children and be their eyes. I continue to feel angry that he was cheated of living such a short time and never had the chance to fulfil his dreams. Everyday he is in my thoughts and recently I have talked to him more which of course brings even more tears. This deep loss just goes on and on constantly with me. Do others feel the same or do you have moments when life is normal? Sending you all love. Wynne
I feel exactly the same as you are feeling Wynne. We have just passed Ryan’s first year anniversary and I feel so low because it is the hard reality hitting again as it did at Xmas that he is not coming back physically. I know he is around us as we have had so many things happen and I have had private readings where i have no doubt that life goes on when we cross over and our loved ones are around us. Getting through day to day is so hard but I go on for my other son and also for Ryan as that is what he would want me to do but some days I just don’t want to. I find it exhausting coping with the pain while trying to function normally and putting on the mask more so when at work as some people expect you to be back to your normal self by now. But as we all know our old selves are gone and we have to find our new selves somehow.
Sending you all love and healing xxx
Dear All,
I am struggling today. The little pep talk I give myself isnt working. I just want my Gemma back, to hold her and stroke her hair, make her a cup of coffee and tell her not to worry … everything will turn out okay.
Except it didn’t turn out okay and I have lost her for ever. Never to see her beautiful face again or laugh with her. Never be able to watch her roaming around my garden, camera in hand.
I feel turn apart as though I have had my insides wrenched out. Like I felt when we first lost her. It makes me wonder how we can all carry on, how we can ever be ‘normal’ again. I pray you are all having better days and so sorry but just needed to let my feelings out …
Hi Victoria, Im so sorry you are having a bad day, its so hard isn’t it ? I know what you mean some days well most days I feel I want to scream and say how could you leave me I need you you were my rock, she did not deserve to die , she was such a lovely person. you are right not to be able to see their lovely faces again, I feel she is slipping away so fast, people hardly mention her , they think im getting over it as I don’t cry in front of them , , little do they know the oain im feeling inside , , like you say Victoria how do we carry on without our beloved girls ? Hugs to you and hope you have a better day tomorrow , Maddie xx
Thank you Maddie. You are right … I feel as though Gemma is slipping away from me that is exactly what I said to my husband yesterday. It scares me and I try still to keep her close to me.
Impossibly hard to keep going without our beautiful girls xxxx