Dear All,
Sending love and gentle hugs to Helen and Maddie and know we are all thinking of you 
Kate you are amazing how you keep it together for precious little Brooke 
I know you don’t have any choice but Lisa would be do proud of you, I too was in tears after reading what Brooke said bless her darling little heart xx
Victoria that is so lovely that you are both going to sing jemma’s favourite Christmas song, she will be so proud of you both, I’m sure there will be smiles and tears too, sending you much love
Zoe am thinking of you as you have to face another Christmas without Sam but he will always be with you your daughter and your precious grandchildren we lay a place at the table for Matt and have is photo which helps us all
Pauline, thats what I do have photos of Matt everywhere even in my car on my dashboard and chat to him all the time, keeping him current is the only way I can survive
Sending much love to you all to help you through this most difficult time of year 
Love Michelle xxxx
Hi all - I’ve been reading a bit about talking to a close loved one who has died. Apparently psychologists used to think that coming to terms with grief in a ‘healthy’ way could only truly happen if you believed that they were gone forever, closure. There’s now a lot of evidence that having a different but continuing relationship is more healthy and supports grief better. Instead of the relationship ceasing it becomes a continuing relationship. It’s changed but continues. That explains why it feels so right for some people to continue to talk and share with that person. It can be a very healing and healthy thing to do. If it feels right follow your heart. Xxx
Dear Nell,
I totally agree that keeping them current and including them in our daily lives helps to keep you going, if I thought that was it I wouldn’t be able to go on, I feel sorry for those who aren’t able to keep them in their lives, we have so many signs from Matt so we know he will always be with us and that keeps us all going, I think we all know best after all it is us who are on this journey not the psychiatrist’s, sending you love and hugs
Michelle xxxx
Dear Nell, I understand exactly how you feel. I have always talked to Gemma and feel that she is still my daughter and I still have a relationship with her, even though I can’t see her. I wrote a post about it last year.
If you wanted to read more, it is called continuing bonds … ‘ Continuing Bonds Theory says that when someone dies our relationship with them does not end, but it slowly changes over time . The bond can remain just as strong, and some activities and rituals may help to establish and maintain the development of these bonds ‘. I find it very comforting. Hope you don’t think I am too mad! xxx
Hello all
Just been reading all your messages. Thank you all for your kind words, Victoria you are right thebuild up is worse than the day itself. We went for the week to Dorset and stayed near Dorchester, the cottage was called Creaky Cottage. I got through now its coming up again with Christmas and all the bits. We will all endeavour to do our best. I always talk outloud to Sam and in my head I can hear his reply. Not sure if that qualifies me as mad, but I know it helps me get through each day. Hope you are all coping as best you can. My thoughts are with you all
Love Helen
Hi All
As we all appear to get comfort in our continued relationship with our departed loved ones. We should not feel odd, a bit mad, crazy. As I live alone nobody knows I talk to my son. I have hid it all these years but finding this group has allowed me to share my feelings in a way I haven’t ever shared b4. So if doing these things helps us to still feel that bond who cares if it seems crazy. It’s what works for us. I agree it would be so hard to continue if I didn’t feel that bond anymore. Society says we grieve and move on. As if there is a day when the grief stops. Well 10 years on my grief hasn’t stopped. It has changed over those years but I can’t ever see a day where the grief will be gone. U can’t erase a person and our grief is a reflection of the love we have for them. The love doesn’t go away either so they r still with us just in a different way. Sorry for rambling just reading everyone’s thoughts made me think being over it is a pressure placed upon us by society and we r all pretending on some level that we r over our grief. In this safe space we can say how we really deal with things.
Love and hugs to all
Pauline x
Dearest friends. Its always been my way to talk to Lisa and I just remembered how, before Lisa’s condition reared it’s ugly head when she was pregnant, I used to talk to my Mum who passed in 1990. I would ask her to guide me in difficult times to take the right path. Mainly due to my Mother in Law having dementia and being really hard on me. Of course, before she had to go into a home , I was the one who did her day to day care. I didn’t expect my husband to deal with her pants changing etc. It was bloody hard but when I was really down I would say to Mum that I would have loved to have cared for her. Then, when Lisa was on ECMO and I was alone in the hotel bedroom I would shut myself in the bathroom and almost scream with frustration as I could do nothing to help my child!
I remember sitting in the bath, sobbing my heart out and saying ‘Mum, please help her come out of this, please don’t let her die!’
Sadly, she maybe was not able to change the course of things but I am sure she had a bloody good try.
Love to all.
Kate xx
Hi all.
If I may throw my hat in.
Personally don’t think anyone is mad, crazy, loosing it or otherwise, talking to their lost children. Must admit I didn’t do it in the beginning but I certainly do it now. I talk to Sam all the time, and I always feel he’s with me if I have to go through anything stressful. He’s sort of like my back up in times of need. I bounce off him if I need to reassure myself. Wether it’s just a trick off the mind or a coping mechanism I’ve no idea and I care even less. If it works for me , it works for me. Life after a dead child is so bloody hard on so many levels, it affects you in ways you couldn’t make up. So to be able to get a little something back from the situation by believing that they are “around”. For me it feels a very healthy way of finding a little comfort. We miss our children so much, it cuts so deep, you can’t quantify that to other people. There are all sorts of marvelous quotes from so called phycological experts. Fantastic books written by some 20 yrd emptyhead from a Californian institute telling you how you should feel and at what point to the exact date your grieving will cease to be. All these " well being" philosophers giving you step by step stages that you can find utopia. Well what I say to all those people is. Have a walk in my head. It’s different for us all. Some cope better than others but that goes for everything in life. I think the greatest mental test for any human is to suffer the loss of a child. To endure what we endure and wake up every morning and drag ourselves out of bed a face yet another mountain. To put our " normal" appearance on so we can hoodwink all those around us to believing everything in our personal life is good, is a masterclass in acting. But we do it so we don’t make others uncomfortable. How mad is that. We put a front on so we don’t upset people around us when in actual fact behind the mask we are drowning in our own grief.
I to, fully get the thing that apart from a very small group of people around you, possibly 1 or maybe 2. Your dead child isn’t mentioned, talked about . As if they didn’t exist. That used to bother me but it doesn’t anymore for the simple reason everyone else is getting on with their lives, and as much as it gripes us. People are to wrapped up in their own stuff to be thinking of your child and also they don’t like to broach the subject for fear of upsetting you, even though we would like nothing more than to hear your son or daughters name mentioned by someone else. Just to hear their name validates that . YES!!! They actually used to walk amongst us. But you can’t really blame people for not talking about your child, because they themselves haven’t lost a child so they can’t possibly ever imagine what you are experiencing.
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
Hi Jim
Ur hat is always welcome. I agree with u totally. We pretend to make others feel better. One of life’s worst jokes when we r so broken on the inside.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
Hi Jim
Your hat is full of insight and wisdom gained from your experience of immense grief. We have all come across the silence and the not understanding from people who have no idea what we have been and are going through and thank goodness for that because I would not wish this pain and emptiness on my worst enemy.
I have covid at the moment and have been very poorly, unfortunately I passed it to my granddaughter who is 8 months. My daughter took her to the hospital earlier because she was struggling to breathe. As you can imagine I was beside myself with worry and thought the worst. The paediatrician said that she was ok and to monitor her. I don’t know about others on here but since my daughter passed I think the worst in any situation, I cannot allow myself to envisage a positive outcome to any scenario. I suppose its a shield that we put up to protect ourselves.
Deborah xx
Hi Deborah sorry to hear about the covid. Yes any illness worries me now whether it is myself, or anyone else. After attending 16 funerals in two years including my daughters, it’s a huge worry.
Jim and everyone thank you for all your astute messages. I talk to my Jessie all the time I still say goodnight to her too. I don’t know why either, as I am not a believer in afterlife as such, but would like to be proved wrong one day. I think it just helps us cope rather than go for the diazepam. We have just passed Jessie’s birthday and I can’t really say what was worse the build up was awful the day itself was just as awful. Now we have the build up for Christmas I don’t know what will be worse. All I know is Jessie would never have wanted to miss her Birthday (we should have been in Paris for her 20th) or Christmas, despite her mental health issues she would have wanted to have been with us and of course we would do anything to change the life we have now back to what we had. It certainly will not be a Happy Christmas for us, but I hope other people will find some enjoyment through what is supposed to be a wonderful time of the year. Andy xx
Hi Andy
I can’t imagine the pain of so many funerals in such a short period of time. To lose Jessie as well is truly heart breaking. We all cope as best we can. Just do what works for u regardless of how strange it may seem to others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I truly hope u can find some sence of peace and enjoyment over the festive period even just for a few minutes. We r all here to help each other and there is no judgement.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
Hi all
Wrote this the other night while I was sat up. Thought I’d share if you don’t mind.
For all those that won’t be there.
When the 25th comes around.
That empty place at the table.
That space void of sound.
Your presence still carries you.
Even though you are long gone.
You are still part of this family.
Rite where you belong.
Christmas songs on the radio.
Snow drifts through the trees .
Baubles, tinsel and Christmas lights.
Outside it’s cold, zero degrees.
When Santa’s doing his rounds.
Elves ticking all their lists.
I’ll be thinking of you .
And slowly getting pissed.
When everyone is getting merry.
Having a good old time.
Eating a turkey dinner.
With a glass or two of wine.
I’ll take a moment of reflection.
As I remember you how you were.
Never thought of a life without you.
How could I even dare.
But I’m sure you are at a party.
Probably up in the sky.
You walk through my dreams many a night.
I know, you didn’t die.
So merry Christmas.
To all the ones who fell .
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
You ARE, around, I can tell !!!.
Dear Jim, Andy, Deborah and all. Yesterday my husband and I went to see our little Brooke in the school Christmas concert.
It was wonderful but hard for us at the same time. Brooke is her Mother’s image. My heart was bursting with love for this little child but tears filled my eyes and my husband was in tears too. She even stood slightly to the side at first, hunching one shoulder up, exactly as her Mother did when a bit nervous.
Jamie couldn’t go as he was at work but I took videos and sent them to him. He said that everything Brooke does reminds him of his treasured Lisa. He is still in love with her. It is wonderful that he is and that his little girl brings us all so much joy but the void will always be there for us, nothing can fill it sadly.
People who haven’t lived through what we have cannot even begin to understand.
Love to all.
Kate xx
Hi Kate.
Bitter sweet memories are a double edged sword sometimes. We want them, but they reduce us to tears.
We can’t win. We never want to forget our children but memories often spark sadness.
Take care
Jim
See you are up in the middle of the night too! Xxx
Hi Jim
That is beautiful. Totally sums my feeling up. Brought me to tears
Love and hugs
Pauline x
Dear Kate,
I felt heartbroken for you both after reading your post, it must have been so lovely to see Brooke in the concert and be involved in all aspects of her life but sometimes so hard, bless her little heart may she keep bringing joy into your hearts to help you on this journey.
Sending much love to you my friend.
Michelle xxxx
Dear Deborah,
Sorry to hear you have Covid and that your granddaughter also caught it, sending you both healing hugs and hope you feel better soon.
Much Love Michelle xxxx
Hi Deborah hope your feeling better and your little grandchild…
Its such a worry when people fall ill.yes you think the worst this strep A thing is worring my jess. She has two of her children of with a virus…
The mad thing when i got breast cancer i didnt think am i going to die .i thought j have to be here for my kids …when we got called in for sam he had an mri scan for the pain in his leg when we got calked in for the results i was scared she was so matter of fact sorry sam have really bad bews you have a sarcoma you have cancer in your thigh .your bones and your lungs .my baby sat there he was 24 i was screaming and he comforted me how wrong i was being sick . After we then went marsden i got ny self strong and me and sam was a team .poxy covid had a lot to answer to . I fought so hard that they would let me in with him .he lasted four months . So quick and my beautiful superhero was gone. He never moaned he never said why me mum. Three days after sam was born he had major heart surgery .1 in 3 die we got told. He made it through all that he was a very special boy .but we lost him i dont understand why.
. …Jim i loved what you wrote so lovely …our children have to be around i believe to many things have happened
When i went to see the spiritualist .to nany things to mention sam died at home in the chair he hated the hospital bed she told me that he hated the bed. He likes my new room to many things just crazy .i know we dont all think the same .ive so wanted to dream about sam .jess has and each time he said hes ok dont worry …well the other night he popped out from the curtain in my dream he said mum mum im ok dont worry i was saying dont go then he was gone .i couldn’t believe it . It might sound crazy but today i got him a xmas card and his red choc balls that he loved and put it beside his ashes .maybe im crazy but i dont care .the pain and longing is awful sorry for rambling big hugs. We cope in whatever way we can:broken_heart: