Dear Kate
Bless you both 
don’t we always wonder whether we got it right…or feel so bad for getting it “wrong”…we just react and that’s different for us all. There’s no right or wrong it’s just an absolutely horrendous loss whatever the circumstances.
I hope you’re both feeling a little lighter today.
Love and hugs to you
Purple x
Hi Kate,
Wonderful that you were able to talk about it. It will have done you both good, even though it is such a horrific, unnatural memory - our child’s death. I find myself thinking about the moment Joey breathed his last breath so often and it always opens the floodgates. My husband and I and our elder son Kevin were sitting right up close to him, holding his hands, stroking him, telling him we loved him but that he’d suffered enough and he could let go, which he did almost immediately. Then I heard this horrible loud moaning. I didn’t know where it came from at first. It was my husband, who I’d never before seen cry - and we’ve been married 45 years. I was in shock myself and of course cried too, as did Kevin. The nurses came in to unplug him from everything and asked us to go out for a bit but when we came back he looked so peaceful, so totally free of the pain that had been so deeply etched on his face for weeks. We sat with him for a long time and just stroked his arms, kissed his face.
I also went to see him every day in the beautiful little memorial room they had laid him in his coffin. For 6 days until the celebration of his life. He looked so handsome, and he even had his typical Joey grin. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, I just sat there drinking in the sight of the young man I had given birth to and had had in my life for almost 42 years. It breaks my heart again again when I think of it all. Not even 4.5 months ago.
Annemarie
Hi Kate,
Isn’t it strange how we react in the immediate aftermath and then time moves on and we begin to accept what has happened and then we look back and sometimes realise that we should have done this or that, but in that moment our instinct steps in, there is no right or wrong way to deal with the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to us it does make everything else pale in comparison. Give our love to Alan I often think of you both Alan chatting with the men and all us women together in that beautiful house in Scotland.
With love
Helen
Oh Victoria the poem is so beautiful , and so true . Kate I must admit men are different how they cope with grieving . I am so glad you and Alan have come to this lovely understanding . I must admit when we sat with Dawn and watched her take her last breadth , John cried like a baby , and he and Dawns husband cuddled each other . It was me that didn’t cry , I don’t know why , I think I had done so much crying before hand . We drove home on that December morning with a beautiful moon in front of us at 54 in the morning , climbed into bed went to sleep . About 7 in morning I could here movement in the lounge still dark , my first reaction was , oh it’s Dawn , but know we had rang Sarah at 2.15 in morning to tell her Dawn had passed , and bless her she wanted to be there when we a woke , . She said you and Dad ho out for a walk , and I will ring everyone and let them know the sad news . We were all so close even her husband Matt , was wonderful wanted to take us all out after going in to say goodbye the next day . But a few years down the line , life has changed so much . We have fallen out with him so many times . He doesn’t seem to want us to mix with Sarah , I can understand it . As she can’t mix with anyone while she is having chemo , But it hurts so much not being able to see her when she is going in such an awful time . I can relate to you as well Joeys mum . Watching our beautiful children take their last breath ,is the worse thing ever . . With love to all Maddie xx
Lovely lovely time we had with you all. I felt you surrounded us with your love and support.
Life goes on as we do, one step at a time.
Till we meet again.
Lots of love to you and John.
Kate xxx
We are bonded together because of our children. In some way thats a beautiful thing.
Love to you Maddie
Kate xx
Purple , Thankyou for your lovely words . It’s so lovely that you are thinking of Me and John . When life is so hard for you . Sending love Maddie xx
Oh Maddie this is truly heartbreaking! I’m so very sorry that Sarah’s husband is still alienating you! You’re her mum - you have every right to be with her and you need to be with her! What about Sarah? Surely she wants you there too! Is she afraid of her husband? Thinking of you lots and lots!!
Annemarie
Hi Anne Marie , Thankyou , my heart felt so sad , I read your words out to my husband John this morning I could not help but cry , I could relate to you so much . To sit and watch our beautiful children take their last breath is the worse possible thing ever . And like you , it goes over and over when I try and get off to sleep at night . I am so pleased you found comfort seeing Joey with a lovely grin on his face and he was at peace . I must admit we went to see Dawn 2 twice but I didn’t get that . When she got to the dreaded undertakers they would not let us view her as she died of liver disease and malnutrition. But after having readings with Jackie . She said she is wellll and happy . And she she said she is with us all the time , so that gives us peace of mind , and she also said when it is our time she will be there to meet us . Love Maddie xxx
I went to see Gemma while she was in the funeral home and so glad I did. I could strike her face and her hair, tell her how much I loved her and I so wished things could have been different for her. I told her that I would see her again and that we had to be brave. My darling girl passed away on her own and that is hard for me.
Life has changed so much for all of us but thank goodness we have each other
This is Sarah , she virtually lost her hair after first chemo
Oh Victoria , my heart breaks for you , I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through losing your beautiful Gemma , Atleast er were there with dawn . I don’t know what I would have done if I had not been there . I saw her take her first breath and her last . Sending love Maddie xxx
Dear Friends,
I have been reading all your posts and feeling sad for you all 
we didn’t get chance to say goodbye to Matt as he was in another country, it was horrible to think of him lying in some morgue all alone, they repatriated him back some 11 days later but he was in a closed coffin, the Army did him proud but we found it so hard to accept that he was really inside the box before us, it was some 3 weeks later we were able to see him at the funeral directors which i am glad we did i stroked his arm and put his little bear wuth him that he had as a baby, but i feel so guilty as i didn’t touch his skin as i didnt want to feel him cold i wanted to think of him as he was , this plays on mind all the time, i know my lovely boy knew how much he was loved and even now every day i tell him how much i love him 
sending my love and hugs to you all.
Michelle xxxx
That must have been heartbreaking, Michelle! I’m so very sorry. But tgete is no good way of saying goodbye to one’s chikd. It goes against nature that a parent should have to!
Big hugs!
Annemarie
Hi all.
I watched afterlife AGAIN!!! Over the last few days. I no Ricky Gervais isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Or some people may not have watched afterlife. But for me it really hammers home the total devastation that loosing someone close causes. If you haven’t seen the program. He loose,s his wife.
I think I can honestly say its the only thing that comes close to portraying grief when grief is at it’s most lethal.
How it leaves you totally detached from everyone else’s reality. Ricky plays the part totally convincingly. It also shows how the people around you try as they might can never just get what you are experiencing.
It can be a hard watch and I filled up quite a few times.
It made me think of how my own grief ate into my soul and almost destroyed me. The loss of a child makes you question everything about life. For me at the stage I am at. I fell in a black hole and all the time I’ve been down there looking for a way out. I feel the changes that grief has done to me as a person. It really does turn you into something that only slightly resembles the person you used to be. All the while I’ve been scrabbling and fighting my way out of the black hole. When you finally start to emerge into daylight again, you have different values in life.
If I could put it like this. When my son died, so did my former life. Nothing was ever the same again. In a way you have to rediscover yourself. To find a way to identify with this new you. I miss my boy so much I often feel I exist in a world of my own. I think I’m at peace with myself or as close as I’m ever going to be. I feel my son is still around. Not it a clairvoyant way. I’m not that tuned in. But I’ve convinced myself that he see,s what I do and he hears what I do. I think until you loose someone you can’t understand that thought process. Infact some people would probably think you’ve lost your mind to think such a thing. Im not religious in the slightest. I don’t believe in heaven and hell. But my boy exists somewhere, even if it’s just in my imagination. It works for me!!! And that’s all that matters. It’s not for me to convince others . Loosing a child ( my only one in my case). Does things to you. Things you can’t explain. It also makes you feel that it’s something you will carry round with you forever. I feel I have a connection with my son and I always will. He didn’t just die and disappear.
When you start getting over the initial shock, devastation, heartache and all the pain. It’s a bit like taking the needle off the record and starting at the beginning again. You have to find a way to get back on life’s roller coaster only this time you have to do it carrying the thought of your son or daughter in another dimension if that makes sense.
I was the luckiest man in the world for the 24 years I had him. I can never get them years back or live them again but I’m so grateful I had them in the first place. I was winning at life. Not everyone gets to experience that. As sad as I feel sometimes, I’m happy I got to live a life with my son in it. I will love him till the day I die and beyond.
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
P.S. if you don’t mind swearing. After life is well worth a watch. It’s sad, funny, surreal and echoes life itself
Dear Jim
I remember watching this long before I lost my darling daughter, we watched it together and were in awe of it. I’m not a masssive fan of Ricky Gervais, but he was awesome in this, in fact the entire cast were fab. I’ve not been brave enough to watch it again yet, I can’t watch anything that we watched together, we spent a lot of time watching films etc, it was one of our things, so its not time to do it again for me just yet, I’m hoping I can one day, but I miss my girl way too much to even think about doing things without her. Like you and many others she was my world, it was just her and me against the world, now its just me. I’m still going through every emotion out there, it still doesn’t feel real or maybe I just don’t want it to be real, who knows, I know I don’t. I can’t make sense of any of it.
We read the poem that Ricky Gervais’s wife read at Megans (my daughter) service, it seemed so poignant.
Take care, reading your messages keep me going, so thank you.
Kathryn
Thank you Jim, for your post! It all rings so true to me. I think of my life now in terms of before and after. I am also immensely grateful to have had my sweet boy for 41 years but now I have to live without him for the rest of my life and that thought is unbearable. . He only died 4.5 months ago so my grief is still raw - but with the help of an excellent grief counsellor I see every week and antidepressants, I am slowly able to see a tiny bit of sunlight again very recently. But the despair of watching him suffer through 16 months of horrific cancer treatment still haunts me and I miss him terribly. I watched After Life with Joey at the beginning of his illness - we are/were both Rickie Gervais fans. His portrayal of grief is spot on.
Hi jim ,yes i watched afterlife it was brilliant .me and sam watched it together. What you say is spot on . I cant believe my boy is gone .i find it harder now than when it happened.its going to be two years end of april. It feels like yesterday .im hurting feel so sad and im angry . Sams birthday next sunday he would be 27 . Our lifes have changed forever its just so wrong the missing is to much just want my boy sending love to all .so sorry we are here much love zoe
Hi Zoe.
Missing them is the hardest part. It never goes away. But it does become manageable. I know you won’t think so. I’m lucky ( not the rite word). To be a lot further along than you are. But I certainly remember vividly how I felt at the two year stage. It may as well of been yesterday, because time seems to stand still. To be honest 2 years is really early after loosing your Sam. At the stage you are at I genuinely thought I would feel like that for the rest of my life. But I have to admit I have moved on. I still get choked up from time to time and little everyday things can turn your world upside down. I still miss him dearly and always will. But the pain you experience in the beginning does eventually begin to ease. When I think back to how I was , it’s a miracle I’ve made it this far. The dates that come and go are always hard, birthdays ect. I absolutely dreaded Christmas,s and birthdays but I think you just learn to adapt over time. I can get past all of the milestones relatively easy these days. The thing I find the hardest is the amount of time that has past since I lost my boy. The further back in time it is.
You don’t ever get over loosing them, how can you, it’s impossible. They were part of us. But when they died, it’s all you can think about, there is nothing else. Just that thought. The pain and heartache. It’s completely draining. I thought about my son every waking second. He was in my sleep. There was nothing else in my life to think about. It was all consuming. But it’s not like that now. I do think about him every day without fail. But it doesn’t cripple me . You will get there Zoe. You may think you never will. Grief chews you up and spits you out. But eventually you get used to it. you get wise to it. I promise you one day you will look back on this time and wonder how you ever got through it, just like I did.
Take care
Jim
Dear all, Jim you are so right. For me the first 2 years were definitely the worst. It’s hard to describe the first months after I lost Gemma … it felt as though I was going mad (the madness of grief). She was in my every waking thought and I was crying constantly.
I honestly thought I would die from the sadness and honestly didn’t care.
2 years on I am definitely in a a better place. Still think of my Gems all the time and love her desperately but somehow I am able to go about my life more calmly. I have regained my peace. I hope this helps those of us for whom the loss is more recent. Much love to you all xxx