Hi maddie thank you for thinking of me you have enough on your plate .dont say youve been a pain your going through so much always thinking of you big hugs zoe 
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Dear michelle you always say such nice thinks .bet your matt is so proud of you much love zoe
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Lovely words Nell
Anne so lovely to hear from you look sfter yourself we always here love zoe xxx
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Dear Zoe,
I will be thinking of you of Sam’s 27th birthday these anniversaries are hard however long ago it happened because it appears fresh again. My Sam passed 9th December 2016 over 6years ago and yet something can throw me back and it’s like it happened yesterday. There will always be that longing because they are a part of you, but Sam will never leave you and he will help you through, sometimes the build up is worse than the day itself.
Sending you lots of love
Helen
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Zoe, birthdays are so hard. Only those who have lost their child can begin to understand this pain we feel. I hope you are able to celebrate Sam with the joy and love he brought you. Our children are forever in our thoughts, forever our heroes and forever with us in our hearts.
Take care
Love Chris xx
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Thank you Helen .i really hope they are all around weve bought a cake and letting balloons go in the morning this life so hard much love zoe❤
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Thank you chris lovely words our superheros big hugs zoe❤
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Hi all
Just watched calendar girls on the box ( yeah I know I’m a bloke ). Towards the end of the film she says , I’d steal every bloody penny from the calendar if I could have one more minute with him. Suddenly had a big lump in my throat. Me too. Me too … I thought.
I would give the world to see my boy again. Daft I know . It’s a stupid film. But it hits home at the loss you suffer. Most people would watch it and just think mmmmm good film. But for us it creates one of those “moments”
Take care.
Jim
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Hi Ann,
It’s so lovely to see your post…I often think about you and wonder how you’re coping . We both joined this site at the same time last year…I’m really bad with dates and couldn’t remember the exact date when you lost your darling daughter Katherine but knew it was close to our loss of Andrew my lovely son.
I often read the posts…I don’t say much but everyone was so supportive and caring when we needed it the most.
I miss Andrew, talk to him every day, cry …little cries not the big wracking sobs of the beginning. I retired from work. It’s taken all the pressure off life, I still go metal detecting with Andrews dad, my ex husband. It helps him and it’s good for me.
I thought I’d hate Spring this year…but I don’t…I still love it. I still love the full moon…Andrew always texted me " Have you seen the moon mum?".
I’m lucky…I feel at peace with the world…I hope you’re feeling that too Ann…I think you probably are, I do hope so.
I don’t post as I can see how some of you struggle with life after so much time and I feel guilty at how I’ve accepted losing Andrew ( if accepting is the right word) and how I still feel life is worth living and the world IS still beautiful. I’ll always,always miss and love him but he always knew I was a very positive person and I can’t stop being that way…I can’t change what’s happened so I intend to carry on just being me…the mum he loved.
So March 20th will be a year…I don’t think I’ll be more sad than March 19th or March 21st…or today …or next year. It’s just another day when I’ll think of him often, love him and obviously wish he was still here. I might be wrong…I might have a complete melt down…if I do …
well …then I will…but it won’t stop me feeling that life is to be lived while you can…we’re only here once.
Sorry to run on…so nice to see your name pop up Ann and maybe I can give a little hope to those of you that think you will never get through those first days, weeks and months…it does get easier. I promise.
Love to you all… and you Ann…Sue xxx
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Hi sue lovely to see your name pop up grief is a strange thing and no two people cope with it the same lovely to hear your doing ok much love zoe
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Hi Sue. I agree with all you say. Time gave me what I need, which is some time and space to begin to learn to live with the unthinkable. I took every bit of outside support I could get. I’m glad I did. I can get through most days without crying or breaking down. I still miss her and think of her a lot, not an hour goes by when I don’t yearn for her. I’ve started to begin to learn how to cope. Not the life I want but it’s the only life I have. I’ve got such a lot from the wise people on here and can honestly say that the overwhelming feeling of non stop pain does abate over time. It doesn’t go away but slowly, slowly we can learn to live again, not like before all this happened but we can learn to be kind to ourselves, not perfectly and not all the time but we can get chinks of light and we can start to build on them. In our own time and in our own way. Love to all xxxxx
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Dear Sue,
It’s so lovely to hear from you, i often think of you and wonder how you are getting on. I remember your early days and a time you didn’t think you would ever go detecting again, and when you did go you definitely felt Andrew was with you, please dont ever feel guilty your precious boy would be so proud of you 
my hubbie as started watching this program about these detectors in Australia looking for gold i told him about you and Andrew and i think of you every time it comes on, you are an inspiration to otheres and iits comforting for them to know you are surviving, still missing your beloved Andrew every day but managing to live a different life, sendng you much love my friend
Michelle xxxx
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I have thought of you often over the past months, Sue. Your kind email to me when I was in the depth of my anguish, back in November, was a great help. It was only a bit more than a month after my son Joey had died and it depressed me immensely to read how many people were still so overwhelmed by their grief years after they lost their child. You told me then that you had started to let light back into your life, without for a moment forgetting your Andrew. I’ve also had so much kind support from Lisa’s mum, Sam’s mum, Zoe, Pauline, Nell, and so many others. Thank you so much, all of you!
Besides support and understanding from the SR community, I joined The Compassionate Friends, I have close friends who support me, I see a grief therapist on a weekly basis and I’ve been on antidepressants for several months now. Yes, I have felt guilty about the latter but I am not trying to dull my grief! I will stop soon with the help of my therapist, but it was the only way I could cope. I also write to Joey every single day in a grief journal. I speak to him directly. The more I do, the more aware I am of the strong loving relationship we had, and that is a great comfort.
I haven’t commented much on SR but I always read everyone’s posts. I thought I’d comment today.
My son’s awful awful 16-month struggle with cancer left me with PTSD and for the first three months I basically didn’t leave my bed except to go to the loo. I just sobbed my days away. Just when I was ready to start getting up a little I got a bad case of pneumonia, which put me back in bed for three weeks and left me drained.
Then my son’s best friend, Andreas, with whom Joey had had an incredibly inspiring podcast throughout his illness, came to Switzerland (where I live) to stay at a chalet in the Alps with us last week - together with his mom and her partner, who lost a daughter to cancer 23 years ago. My husband and my elder son Kevin were there too as well as some very close family friends.
Incredibly, by some freak chance, it turned out that the beautiful chalet I had rented belongs to one of Joey’s very close high school friends!!! What are the chances of that - there are thousands and thousands of rental chalets in the Alps! I’m not religious, neither was Joey, but it gave me goosebumps. Did Joey have something to do with this?
The week started off so well - it was a great comfort to have so many people who loved Joey together. I gave Kevin and Andreas copies of the certificates of the star I had registered in the International Star Registry and named after him (it’s by the Big Bear) which really chuffed everyone! Joey himself would have found it so cool! He was with us all week in spirit and because of the big double framed pictures of him I brought up. I spent quite a while talking to Knut (Andreas, his mom Ingrid & Knut are Norwegian) about his daughter and how he has managed to cope all these years. He told me he had built a “grief room” in his mind, which he had taught himself to go into for restricted periods each day. While he was in there he concentrated on his daughter but then he left and went back into the rest of his ‘house’ and lived his life. Knut is a doctor and so is used to watching a great deal of suffering. After his daughter’s death, his wife also died of cancer after a long and painful struggle. Yet he managed to rebuild his life and has found happiness again with Andreas’s mom. His positivity has had a great impact on me.
Then halfway through our lovely week disaster struck last Tuesday and I had a stupid skiing accident. I’m sure it was because after so many months of total inertia my body wasn’t dealing well for all the intense exercise. I’m an advanced skier. Anyway, sled rescue and helicopter to hospital down in the Rhône Valley, none of which I remember anything of as I was knocked unconscious because of quite a nasty head wound. There was a lot of blood on the snow, which frightened the living daylights out of my son Kevin! They let me go back to the chalet after 8 hours only because Knut’s a doctor and Ingrid’s a nurse. Rather than all of this putting me back into depression, I was very grateful to be (sort of) OK. I could feel Joey with me in hospital and knew how worried he would have been about me and how glad that I was fine. The bond between us is still as strong as it ever was, and I was acutely aware of that! The rest of the week was actually great. Sure, I wasn’t exactly mobile and I stayed by the fire on the couch in the chalet while the others went off to ski but the evenings and mornings were full of love.
Yesterday the Norwegians went home, after Knut gave me the following “prescription” on a piece of paper: “Grieve, but don’t feel guilt. Be grateful for knowing him all these years. Practice compartmentalising. You have a room called ‘The Grief Room’. Visit it often but not for long hours. Go for a walk in nature every day.” Signed, Knut Schoenberg, MD
I still won’t be mobile for the next few days as my body recovers, but I will try my very best to let more light into my life and follow Knut’s wise words. Of course, there will be meltdowns some days and I will miss Joey every minute for the rest of my life! My first waking thought will still be of him! I know my life will never have the same joy in it but I also know that I need to go on and rebuild my life. I have another son and many good friends who love me too and will always be there for me. Joey will never be forgotten. I intend to write the book for him that he had intended to write and I will work for the Testicular Cancer Awareness platform he started. All this will give some purpose to my life. I will honour my darling son so much more by doing all this instead of only focusing on his loss and my pain. It won’t be easy and I expect, as I said, that I will still shed many many tears for him. But I shall try very hard!
Tomorrow it will only be 5 months since he died and my life changed forever. But I know that if Joey’s spirit is out there somewhere, he’s very happy that his mom is doing OK. He knows he’ll be in my heart forever!
I just wanted to write what I hope is a positive message to all of the other moms and dads out there struggling each day with the loss of their beloved children. Many of your kind words have helped me, so I hope this post will perhaps help you a little.
Much love and hugs to you all,
Annemarie
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Hi Anne-Marie
Your doing amazing. I know we have to live a different life. Sam is on my mind every minute of the day.i make my self do things. One life and all that .its just so hard .sams birthday today .went round my daughters last night. With a few friends .we lit chinese lanterns and we drank and sang in the kitchen. I feel sam around .but i want the real thing .your all so thoughtful love zoe
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Beautiful boy!
Happy birthday sam 27 our superhero
Love you to the moon and back
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Dear Annemarie,
Gosh what an eventful time you have had. It feels to me that the time spent in the cabin with your friends was very important. I am a great believer that people are put in to our lives for a reason. They may stay for a long time, maybe even for ever. Others are with us for a shorter time.
Not long before we lost Gemma, her ex husband (a lovely man), met another lady. Sally had made a decision years earlier that she never wanted children. Yet since we lost Gems, she has become another mother to Charlie and loves him as though he were her own. I believe it is no coincidence that her and Balint met when they did.
Knut sounds like an amazing person. I’m so pleased that you were able to spend that time with them and I love that we meet people like him on our life’s journey, to help us along. You are so inspirational, Annemarie, it is only 5 months since you lost Joey which such a little time.
I have listened to some of Joey’s podcasts and you must be so proud of him. He and Andreas made a great team. So articulate, funny and moving. I hope you heal quickly from your accident and sending you much love and prayers.
xxx
thinking of you and your family Zoe , sending love and hugs xxxx
Dear Victoria,
Thank you for your kind message - and for watching some of Joey’s inspirational Having1ball.com podcasts. He was indeed an incredible young man with so much courage. Not many people would be able to deal with such an awful disease as cancer with such positivity and wit. When I woke up in the ER on Tuesday, having remembered nothing of the accident nor its aftermath, I was crying buckets of tears. The nurses thought I was crying about the pain or whatever, but I said no, I’m crying for my son who died in October and who spent 120 days in total in hospitals with so much suffering. This little accident just doesn’t compare! All I could think of was Joey.
How lovely that your grandson has Sally to care for him. Gemma would have wanted that no doubt. And I’m happy you too have that comfort.
Yes, everyone should have a Knut in their lives! I didn’t know him before this week in the Alps, nor had I met Ingrid. But of course both had been avid followers of the podcast and I knew that anyone as wonderful as Andreas was bound to have a supermom. Without Andreas, Joey’s last year would have been so much more difficult. He was always there for him, even at 3 am when he was having a panic attack. He flew to Switzerland 5 times last year. When we heard Joey’s tumours had spread to his brain, Andreas was on the very next flight. I call him my son number 3 and I’m his second mom. Without people who love our children our journeys of sorrow would be so much harder.
Big hugs to you, Victoria!!
Annemarie
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