Dear Zoe
Thinking of u today. It’s the weeks leading up to the anniversary and the day itself that is so hard. I live alone and it is so hard to drag myself out of bed. Now my divorce is almost done, i will lose my home and all those reminders everywhere. I know memories r in my heart. But the tought of not touching that almost imperceptible dent in the living room door the last xmas when he was playing the wii breaks my heart. All the childhood memories of all my children growing up here. I know it has to be done but it feels like another piece of my heart will be lost. All my children moved out as young adults from this house but he never got that chance. I am rambling so i will finish. Sending u all love and hugs.
Pauline x
4 Likes
Dear Zoe, my thoughts are with you today. Celebrate you lovely boy Sam. He will be with you, as he always is every day.
Love Chris xx
1 Like
Thinking of you Zoe on Sams anniversary , I know it will be a very difficult day . But sending love and hugs to you and your family . Love Maddie xxx
1 Like
Thanks you Victoria P , maybe I should hold on to the thought that there is hope then, just does not feel like it’s possible tho still, too broken in too many places in what feels like a world I no longer recognise .xxx
3 Likes
Thanks Zoe, sending love xxx
Thank you so much Michelle , you’re 2 years ahead of me on your journey but I see you felt the same as me. Maybe I have just expected too much too soon, 2 years is such a long time I thought I would have accepted it a bit better by now. Every day I just want the day to be over to go back to bed. So long I tried doing things to keep myself busy thinking it will get better soon but it didn’t so gave up, nothing helped. There is no quick fix is there . Love Jess xxx
1 Like
Dearest friends. Michelle was mentioning the signs we get that our children are with us. Today, yet again when i was sitting at a junction wanting to get onto the main road and thinking of Lisa, my old car passed by, the one i gave Lisa. I pulled out and followed it.
Even though i know Lisa wasn’t in it, to me it was a sign that she was with me.
Sending love and hope to you all.
Kate x
3 Likes
Hi Jess,
No there is no quick fix and i can’t say it will happen by a certain time just know it will, it comes on so gradually you dont even know , tiny steps little by little, 2 years is not long i feel like now at 4 years it only seems like a year at most I’m not sure where the time went, but believe me i felt the same as you, i think also what helped me was meeting other bereaved parents and the parents ive come to know on this site who have given me strength to go on, one friend of mine lost her son 10 years ago and she told me that she and her husband did consider driving off beachy head, their son was their only child and they have no grandchildren, we all share the same tragic loss but i find i become humbled by others strength and i draw from this, keep posting as we all really do know how you feel 
take care my friend 
Michelle xxxx
2 Likes
Dear Kate,
How wonderful 
that was such a lovely sign from your darling Lisa she knew you had been so upset the other day and was reminding you "Mom im here always " the signs are always there we just have to be open to them, the bond we have with our precious children will never be broken, much love to you my friend
Michelle xxxx
1 Like
I found these words and thought they are so true x
I don’t believe time heals everything. It helps, it really does. After awhile you won’t cry about it all the time. It won’t consume your every thought any more. You do get better. You’ll laugh. And smile. You’ll even have a lot of great days. But it’s still there. You just learn to live with it. This is how things are now. So you get used to it. But that doesn’t mean it ever goes away. It’s still deep in your soul. Still makes you cry when you think about it too much. Still stops you in your tracks when something reminds you of it. You’ll have those moments when you heart hurts really bad . . . . Sure it gets better. But it’s a scar that never goes away. A broken bone that still aches on rainy days.
~ Melinda Caroline [Artwork by Tangled Muses]
1 Like
Lovely words Daryl , that’s exactly how I feel . It’s such a shame other people don’t realise the pain we are going through . Sending love Maddie xxx
2 Likes
So sorry I have got so used to calling you Daryl . Take care xx
1 Like
Hi Victoria
Those words sum it up very nicely. A wound that never truly heals.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
1 Like
Hi Victoria,
That is exactly how it is, some days my heart hurts so much but not every day anymore, just because we are able to laugh and take enjoyment out of life doesn’t mean we have moved on it means we have simply moved forward a little bit thanks for sharing
Love Michelle xxx
2 Likes
Hi all.
If I may throw my hat in the ring. Reading all the latest posts. It does get better (eventually). Well I say better. In reality you learn to live with it over time. The time maybe different for us all. But 2/3/4/5 years is still relatively early days. The loss of a child is so monumental that the impact on us is beyond devastating. Every single day we carry a sadness round with us. Invisible to others. But to us it effects us in far to many ways to mention. Almost every memory we have can relate to a time our children were still here. My boy was 24 when he died. But I can see young dad’s taking toddlers to school and it will fill me with a time when I used to do the same. Every day we can spot something or hear a song bump into someone from our past and our sadness will heighten as the thought of our loss will suddenly come to the forefront. I listen to my friends or work mates talking about what a pain in the arse it is being used as dad or mums taxi. Or cleaning up after them. Or sitting up late waiting for them to come home safe from a night out or whatever, and I just have to sit there in silence because I can’t join in with such conversations. We as bereaved parents have a different cross to bare. I no longer need to worry if my son is safe or coming home, or I don’t ever need to go and pick him up from somewhere coz he’s no money for a taxi on a night out.
But I have to admit in the beginning when he died I was a complete and utter broken mess. I never ever thought that would change. I didn’t see the point in anything anymore. I became completely robotic. Completely switched off from the world. But eventually you start to connect to everyday life again. As others have said, it’s always with you and that will never go away. Loosing a child is impossible to explain to someone who doesn’t share your experience. So I don’t even try anymore. I got stronger everyday without even realizing it. It’s only looking back remembering how I was a gibbering wreck and seeing how I am now. I’ve reached a place I thought was totally impossible. I still sit up in the small hours many times because I can’t sleep and I miss him. I cry now and again if something triggers me. I seriously didn’t think I could survive such a loss. It just seemed endless pain and trauma and sadness. But I have learned to laugh and smile again. The loss of a child completely changes us. To those around us or to strangers we just look the same on the outside, but inside we have become different people.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel we just have to except that it’s a different existence that we live now. But you really do learn to live again.
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
9 Likes
Jim and Michelle
I can relate to everything you have both said. It is true that most people wouldnt even be able to comprehend. I am for want of a better expression lucky in that 2 of my clisest friends, one her sister lost her daughter, she’d had a brain haemorrage and collapsed and died and my friends sister found her, so she understands and my other friend samecthing her sisters daughter had cancer and did not make it. So they know that i like to talk about Sam and they bring him in into the conversation quite easily, they do say tou can count your friends on 1 hand and for me that is so true. Someone who i had known for over 30 years and had been right by her side when she was diagnosed with breast cancer taking her to the breast clinic etc, “her words I cant cope with what has happened with Sam” and now avoids me like the plague…mind you Jean told her straight she is typical North Country so didnt mince her words. Lyn tried to speak to me about a month ago but i ignored her i dont need soneone like that anymore.
Love Helen
2 Likes
Hi Helen, i know what you mean. My dear friend Miranda found out she had breast cancer not 5 months inti having realisef their dream of moving from Brighton to the Highlands. We all rallied and toik carevof her through her darkest times but she has also been st my side through Lisas operation in 2017 my ongoing anguish up to her passing 2 years later. She also told me that her husband, Neil’s, sister had died of cancer at 40. She also said how strong i am in comparison to her mother in law, who apparently completely lost the plot.
I can thank all of you here from saving my sanity. You are true friends, allbeit virtual but true friends indeed.
Much love Helen.
Kate xx
2 Likes
You right Kate , all of you on this sight has kept me sane , After losing Dawn and with a Sarah with her cancer , most of our friends have kept their distance . So it’s been like grieving all over again . I have felt so lonely some day I have nearly cracked up and haven’t wanted to be here . and the best news that Sarah has overcome her cancer was the best news ever . But since the news we haven’t talked , my heart is aching so much . I just want to know how she is getting on . But have no idea . I am not sleeping , and all I can think about is how she can avoid us like this . I know she doesn’t seem to care about us . I didn’t think after losing Dawn we would be suffering like this . John will be 85 next month and I feel so sorry for him . But Thankyou all for being there for me . With love Maddie xxx
2 Likes
Oh Maddie, i am so sorry you are suffering like this. I am very sure its Sarahs husband who is keeping you apart but at least, and its only a very wee plus, is that your Grandson is still with you. Hopefully Sarah will see sense eventually too.
Sending love.
Kate xx
1 Like
Hope so Kate , but when I ask Jack , how is mum doing , he is so vague , he just says oh she is alright and that’s it . . . That’s typical of a mans view . Love Maddie xxx
1 Like