Hi Michelle,
I am sure that Matt would have been toasting the King yesterday, he looks such a lovely young man, so smart and caring.
All my move
Helen
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Amazing pics, u should be so proud of Matt.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
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Thank you all for you kind words, yes we are immensely proudâ:heart: 
Love to all, Michelle xxxx
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Hi all
Well today is 11 years since i lost my son Conor. The last 2 weeks of dread with this day looming has been awful. I had stopped interacting with anyone possible as i did not want to face the questions on what i wanted to do today. I didnât want people to try and plan something to do today as i was unable to think if i even wanted to be around people today. I have woke up and just feel numb. Still not sure if i want to be around anyone or just stay in bed in the dark. People have such an expectation that after all these years it should not be a hard anymore. For mothers on ur childs birthday u remember that day hour by hour being in labour. Simmilarly on an desth anniversary u go thru that day hour by hour. 7.30am phone call saying he had been in a car accident and was unconscious and waiting on the ambulance, there was not a mark on him. 8.15am arrival at hospital and taken to that dreaded little room. Followed by surgery and movement to ICU and all the machines. Being allowed in to sit with him but only 2 at a time so having to give up time to allow grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins to all take there turn when i didnt want to leave his side. By early afternoon post surgery they were still sure of internal bleeding but not knowing where it was coming from so decision was taken to to get all the machines mobile and take him for a scan. So i kissed him and said see u soon when u get back from the scan. He had never regained consciousness. However he never made it to the scan, his heart stopped beating as they were about to leave ICU. Then there is all that follows still having to share my time with him to say goodbye. Staff said go get some fresh air and they would remove all machines and bath him and i could go back to spend time with him. I asked if i could bath him as i gave him his first and would give him his last. While doing this his Dad ex-husband eventually comes in and i offer to let him wash his hair to get all the gel out. Soon my exâs new wife shows up thinking she has a right to be there with us. I donât say anything as i fear i will really lose my temper. All registering his death etc turns into a huge family affair. I still say nothing. Organising a funeral without a date as have to wait for a post mortem. Exâs new wife thinks she should have reserved seating for her friends that r like family. So i finally put my foot down. My parents nearly get arrested in my home by family liason due to my Dad hitting my husband and my Mum hitting my daughter all because they wanted to have their wishes met. The funeral eventually happens and yet more drama to the extent that i have not spoke a word to my parents and sisters since. My Dad did visit on 3 occasions to talk to me but was annoyed as there was always people there with me. On his third visit he decides to have his say regardless of who was present. He tells me that i have deeply upset my mother by my daughter not having invited 1 of my sisters to her baby shower for a baby that was now 5 months old, with the shower having been 2 months prior to the birth. My parents live abroad. This was his last chance to talk to me b4 they were leaving the following day. It was not to offer me any comfort but to berate me for something so minor that happened 7 months b4. It really makes this whole month my most dreaded time of year. My husbands birthday was 5 days after the death of my son and he threw a temper tantrum on that day and every birthday after as i was unable to celebrate. Years later i kick my husband out. All i want to think about is my son who i miss so terribly. All these other people want to be heard, in control, the most devestated at Conorâs death. All i could think was fine u lose ur child and i can have mine back. I never said it to anyone. I think having to hold my feelings, needs in check through it all has made me unable to grieve properly. It has only been since December 2018 when i put my husband out that i have started to process my feelings. Today i am just going to allow myself to feel what i really feel.
Sorry this is a long read but wanted to just share how i feel and all the trauma other people make at a time when i was the least able to cope with them.
Love and hugs to all
Pauline x
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Bless you Pauline, what a tertible time you have had. Your beautiful boy will always be your beautiful boy who you miss every minute of every day. It doesnât matter how many years have passed we still go through those terrible last days and seconds.
Thinking of you and sending love.
Kate xxx
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Hi Pauline,
Yes i agree with Kate it is such a terrible time, i know i should never have let my ex in to see Sam, he was in a coma by then and Phil started shouting then started crying saying ive never had to go through anything like this before!!!..like i had!!! It had always been about Phil or so he thought!! but i held it together for Sam, i was lucky enough to be with Sam just before anybody came and before he went into a coma i said i love you Sam and he replied very clearly love you too. So i have a memory before all the hoo ha started. So i know exactly where you are coming from. Take the time Pauline to just think about Connor, forget all the crap around it thats for their conscious and it will hit them, each and every time, you have done all you can Connor would want you to look after yourself.
With lots of love
Helen
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Hi Pauline, I am so sorry that you have had to go through that and deal with such horrible people. As Helen said, try and forget all the c***. Connor is your special boy and they can never take that away. The photos are so lovely. I hope you get through today okay and keep posting as we are all here for you xxx
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Oh Pauline I am so sorry you had such a terrible time . Losing your lovely boy Conor was the worse possible , , and the worse time possible fou . So why is it other family members make it so difficult . ? So glad you managed to get a few things of your chest , as anniversaries bring every little thing back to the surface again . Will be thinking of you and Conor . Sending hugs Maddie xxxx
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Hi All
Thank u all so much for ur kind words. This site keeps me sane. There is nobody else that can understand how i feel but all of u. It is an experience i wouldnât wish any of us had to go thru. We r all here fighting every day to make it thru the day. It just will never make sense as to why wider family think they have the right to have their opinions and reactions front and centre when its not their child. I held a funeral for an 18yr old young man. A humanist service, Eminem, R Kelly as music, everyone wearing pink his fave colour, a cardboard coffin as he had joked about getting a box from the parts department for him if anything ever happened, he was a mechanic. Got it sprayed to look like a GT Mustang shelby with American plates with his date of birth and death. All the wider family thought this outrageous. They thought there should be a minister, hymns and a respectfull casket and everyone in black. None of them were in the slightest bit religious. They all thought they had the right to say how i his Mum had let him down. I know i did right by Conor and made it about him. It still hurts that i had to fight so hard to make it about him. Why do people make the worst time in a parents life, when they lose a child, even harder. I can never forgive them for that. It makes anniversaries particularly hard when u have the repressed anger and the rawness of grief. It doesnât stop today as i have all the days between now and the funeral and even some days after. All those traumas pretty much going to the end of the month.
I appreciate all of u on this site for understanding. I donât post often but i do read and comment here and there.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
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Dear Pauline ,
Am so sorry for all that you have been through since loosing your precious son, people can be so cruel, how dare they have an opinion unless they have walked in our shoes, the photos of Conor are lovely and he knows and will always know how much you loved him 
its so hard i know all these memories of the time they were taken, tomorrow will be 4 years to the day that the Army repatriated our son home then the 6th June his funeral, like you this is a very difficult time of year, sendibg you the biggest hug 
and much love to get you through
Michelle xxxx
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Hi Michelle
I am so sorry for all u have gone thru. It must have been dreadful waiting for Matt to come home and then the long time u had to wait for his funeral. We all owe him our thanks for his service. Such a dread time for u as well.
I am lucky i have had my Grandson to sleepover last night so that makes it easier. I hope u can find some comfort today and in the weeks ahead when we all feel at our worst gerting thru the date of death and funeral. There r no good days but these r some of the hardest.
Sending love and hugs
Pauline x
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Dear Michelle, just to say that I was thinking of you yesterday. It must have been so hard going to Brize for Mattâs repatriation. I hope you all got through the day okay. So many memories and difficult days for us.
With love xxx
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Dear friends, yes its a difficult time for all of us. Today 4 years ago was the last time i went shopping with Lisa. We had lunch in Inverness. Tomorrow the 16th she brought Jeeves over to stay whilst they were away on holiday. She was going to the hairdressers and i was looking after Brooke. On the 17th she was bringing wedding flowers over for me to deliver the next day as they were travelling to Aberdeen for an overnight before flying off.
On the 25th i got a message from her saying she was really ill and needed to get back to inverness to her consultant. Their flight had been cancelled and they were flown to Newcastle. They were going to hire a car and get as far Perth. Thats where she text me from. I said omg just phone 999 for an ambulance. The rest unfolded during that nightmare week where she was in an induced coma and brought to Aberdeen on an ECMO machine. For the following 7 weeks plus i was in Aberdeen with her and Jamie, Brooke and Jemma. Jemma had dropped everything to be with her sister. Her business thankfully didnt suffer as she got other tutors to cover for her. My husband was at home with 4 dogs to look after and sending B and B booked guests to other people. We were all on auto pilot, you all know what i mean. Just functioning but not really aware of doing so or even how we were managing. When my husband came over a few days later he was in utter shock seeing his wee girl intubated, her eyes and lips swollen, her bottom lip bleeding from the tube. It was unreal.
Yes dear friends, we all carry these terrible images in our heads. They rear up and hit us hard in the face at times. Thank goodness we all have each other here to offload to.
Love to all,
Kate xxx
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Dear All
It is so strange that we can all remember all the details of those awful days, u would think the utter shock would wipe it from our minds. Somehow it stays in incredible detail even though we r on autopilot doing all that needs to be done. I thought over time that those dreadful details would fade but they havenât in the last 11 years so guess they wonât now.
Thinking of all of u and our struggle everyday not just the anniversaries.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
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Dear Kate,
Its hard to believe what weâve all been through that we are still here, still getting up each day digging hard for everone elses sake to keep going, these memories will never fade and i know each year we will relive these awaful times, we all have different stories but the same loss, the wost possible loss anyone will ever know to lose a child, thank God we have each other friends who truly know how we feel, thank you to all of you, kate i am thinking of you as you will be now going through these daily awaful memories you have right up to that day when you had to let your beautiful precious baby go, hold your darling little Brooke and keep on keeping on for her and Jemma and hold Lisa tightly in your heart pocket till you meet again, much love and hugs to you my friend
Michelle xxxx
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Hi all have been reading all your posts, such sadness for everyone memories incredible every little detail .i feel that i am not very positive so i dont text .but the sane as you my dear friends sam was in the funeral parlour. I sat with him every day till his funeral 25 th may. It gave me great comfort at the time .he looked at peace .like my sam again .i played music had my lunch with him .even fell a sleep with head next to him .its crazy .the lovely kelly who looked after him didnt put him in his casket so i could be close .i sprayed his aftershave bought him doritios mad i know but it was comfort . This life is cruel and all we have is memories .but as you say michelle there sitting in our heart pocket .much love and strength to you all .love zoeđ
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Feel so very sad tonight .this new norm is so hard just want to hug my sam chat and laugh with him this life is so cruel xzoex
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Hi Zoe
I am so sorry for u. I know it sounds crazy but i spent last Friday talking to my son, out loud as if he was there. In a weird way it made me feel like i spent the day with him. I looked at pictures, played home movies, listened to his music and spoke about funny stories, laughed and was oddly comforted by my day with him. You could maybe try that when u r struggling. Nothing can take away our sadness and loss. We just have to keep going as there is no alternative. I hope u can find something that will help u.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
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Have you read about âcontinuing bondsâ?
I have written about it here before and I find it helps me.
Essentially it is all about recognising that you still are mum (or dad) to your child, that will never change. It is just that the relationship is different. So talk to them, chat just as you did before. It is about adapting to the new situation. I find it so helpful and I talk to Gemma every day, just chat about everyday life.
There has been a very good book written about it. xxx
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I feel the same, I lost my son 12 weeks ago, I have now become very depressed and have started taking anti depressants, I would like to just sleep. I am going to speak to a medium soon, I hope it will give me some comfort. It is very hard to go forward. This is the hardest thing in my life. I lost my my mother when I was young, which left a big hole in my life, now the hole will be even bigger.
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