Hello dear friends. Not having a good evening. Thought i was stronger now but hey ho. Obviously not.
A very dear friend has this morning become a Granny for the first time.
Traumatic birth but all ok.
So, i was just preparing dinner when i was completely overwhelmed by grief .
35 years ago tonight our baby was still safe in my belly. 35 years later she was on life support! What the f… did i do wrong?? Why couldn’t i save her?? I was very worrief when the consultant put her on immune suppressants. Why? She
Was vulnerable and yet they made her more vulnerable. Then in ICU one minute she was sitting up talking to us and the next her life was terminated!!
What on earth am i supposed to do? I cant stop crying. Alan is so upset. Ffs. Why are we all here?xxx
Hi kate i totally get how your feeling grief is for always .it just all jumps up on us at certain times . Kate you are allowed to be sad . . Your thoughts take us back thinking of you lovely lady thinking of you with much love .wishing lisa a beautiful heavenly birthday tomorrow 
Hi Kate sorry you are having a bad evening . It seems to be two steps forward one step back all the time doesn’t it. It just comes out of the blue you think you are doing ok and then suddenly become overwhelmed and all the ifs and buts come flooding back. I feel thats the worst, why ? How could it happen ? What if …. ? Just feeling somehow if you could have maybe changed one thing it would not have happened as it did. It’s like guilt all tied up in it, why are we here and they are not. They were always our babies and we felt responsible no matter what age they were. That’s how I feel anyway and it’s so so hard. That’s why it’s so good coming on here knowing we all “Get It”. We just plod on don’t we knowing it’s never going away , just riding the waves as they come , big and small. I hope tomorrow is calmer for you . Sad times 
Sending love Jess xxx
Dear Kate, I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. It is because we love our children so much that the pain and heartbreak is so unbearable.
The birth of new babies can be so bittersweet for us now and there is always something waiting to trip us up.
I will be thinking of you all tomorrow and sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
Oh Kate , I have just read your post and I can’t stop weeping . Your words are are so true , 54?years tomorrow Dawn was due tucked in my belly , but she decided to wait untill the 15th of July . Oh how I miss her . We will go and get her favorit blue sparkle balloon . . Will be thinking of you tomorrow . Such a hard day for you . Hope you celebrate your darling Lisa birthday the best you can . Sending lots of love Maddie and John xxx
Oh my Lisa’s Mum
Those triggers can just come out of nowhere. I certainly dont think time heals. Time lets other people forget and we pretend to be ok. We r never ok again. A large piece of our heart has been removed. We live our lives with that chasm in our hearts and in our lives. Our son or daughter will never be there again. These triggers just remind us of how much we have lost. There is no time frame on grief, it is always there.
Love and hugs
Pauline x
Oh my, what lovely people you all are. Such kindness. So grateful for this site and your friendship. We cant say these things to friends face to face but you are all here to listen and understand.
Love to you all. I will be busy all today with a cottage changeover and electricians coming to do a couple of things for the Electricity Safety Certificate i need to apply for the Short Term License we need here in Scotland.
Anyway, love to you all again and thank you for being here.
Kate xxxx
Hi Maddie
It is so awful that our children put us thru these traumas. The life of a mother,
Everyone tells us of the morning sickness and horrors of births when we r pregnant, everyone tells us of no sleep with newborns or colic, everyone tells us of terrible 2’s, everyone tells us of the awful teenage rebellion stage. No one tells us of the adult child who witholds grandchildren and controls our lives even when they don’t want to be in our lives. It is a grief process as well. Eternal hope for something better is where we r stuck. Some days u can control those emotions and other days u can’t. I hope with all my heart that it will work out for u. So pleased Sarha is doing well. I thank u for ur kind words and thoughts, as i do to everyone on here. I know that i can come here and find support when i need it. I am trying to convince myself to get out of bed today, i have not managed the last 2 days. I just want to shut out the horrible cruel world that is my life just now.
Love and hugs to all
Pauline x
Wow!
You are in the same position, thoughts and feelings as me. I lost my son in march this year, he was 45years old, he was bipolar which he had struggled with since a teenager. Last year he had cancer, he had chemo and radiotherapy and was cancer free, then contracted bronchial pneumonia and died. I haven’t been on this site much, as he died suddenly, unexpectedly at home. My experience with the coroner has been horrifying, I have not been able to put the experience in words. I did not think that many people would understand. Like you I lost my mum when I was young, you used my exact words ‘that she left a big hole in my life and now it will be even bigger.’ He was my love, my best friend and we were so close. You are not alone, feel free to chat if you want.
Dearest Kate,
I have just read all the posts, i wanted to send you much love at this time, also send Lisa a Happy Heavenly Birthday, i hope you have managed to get through this day the best you can, we all know how you are feeling and are thinking about you and holding you in our prayers, take care my lovely friend sending you love and gentle hugs 
xxx
Thank you I will get the book.
Thankyou dear Michelle. Yes we got through but i did feel low in the morning. I was busy with the cottage and it was so hot i was feeling quite exhausted by the time i had finished the changeover and the electrician had left.
I took myself for a coffee at the Deli next door and felt much better. Maybe the caffeine but probably just the lovely people in there who knew what date it was.
Take care lovely friend.
Kate xxx
Hi dear friends , I must admit . I have beenbferling really weepy this week I it’s Dawns birthday tomorrow . Why doestnt get any eaiser. . I have been going through every minute of every day
. She spent most of 2016 in hospital , and then rehab . She was so strong and she said I am not being in rehab for my birthday . She signed herself out . And me , John and her husband were waiting for her in i her new flat Which we decorated for herb, she had a brand new Mazda car . She looked good , but 2 months down the road she became so unwell . She didn’t eat , she became disabled , when we went to visit she was sat in avwheelchair , with her head down , . John said if she doesn’t eat , her organs will pack up . And tell you the truth that’s what happened . December 11 th she was gone . And we are sat here nearly 6 /12!!years later and our hearts are broken . But I do know one thing that keeps me going is I know in spirit Dawn is with. .me , Thanks to Jackie xx
Sorry made a mistake , the one before Dawn , was Sarah wedding I the Caribbean . With l love maddie x
Every time a see a mother and father on the news losing their son or daughter , my hear breaks for them . The way they lose them is heartbreaking . What is this world coming to . I feel for our Children and Grandchildren . Love Maddie xx
Dear Maddie, such a lovely photo Dawn, she was the most beautiful girl. I will be thinking of you tomorrow especially on Dawn’s birthday. Such difficult days, days that were always full of joy and celebration. You are right … how did it come to this? I am so glad that Jackie gave you some comfort as that is what we need. Sending you lots of love, my lovely friend
Thankyou Victoria x
I’ll call you xxx