Oh maddie so sorry you are feeling so bad. Yes this grieving is awful and the guilt that comes with it. We think it will get better in time but I think we just get better at hiding it but suffer the same inside. All the worry and upset you have with Sarah and her husband too. I also can go for weeks without alcohol but so often its the only thing that can ease the pain if only a bit. I had diazepam from the doctor but I find a glass or two of wine is much better . You are hurting so much but other people canât feel what you are feeling so donât understand, and youâre probably angry at the world thatâs why maybe you say things you wish you had not said. Itâs a very lonely difficult road we are travelling on.
I donât know what to say, Sarah has her own problems at the moment and is probably angry at the world too. All you can do is apologies if you think you have said the wrong things. Hang on in there . I could say maybe try counselling but I find talking to the people on here better than any therapist . If you feel itâs all getting out of hand and you need more help then try and talk to a sympathetic doctor.
Take care, be kind to yourself, itâs hard in so many ways . Jess xxx
Thankyou Jss and Victoria , you are right ., itâs a long and lonely road we are travelling on , and doesnât seem to get any better . There is so much I want to tell Dawn , she is the only one I can talk to . She always would sort me out . I want to tell her about Sarah , and how proud I am of our lovely Grandvchildren, how well they are doing . . Some days I want to scream , I want her back so so much . I know we are all in this awful situation , just what have we done to deserve so much pain . Thankyou for your caring words . With love Maddie xx
Oh maddie this grief is a wicked place to be .no one gets it only us .it hurts like crazy.no day the same. Im in dorset this morning i was screaming at the sea .so sad and angry . What did we do .all we want is our babys x dont be hard on yourself maddie it is what it is xxlove you all zoe
Hi Zoe , hoping you are getting a bit of relief from
the awful grieving , . I must going away is the best for me . I must admit the only thing that helps me is going away . I know itâs always still there , and it doesnât matter where I am going . After Dawn passed I must admit Cornwall was the worse , as soon as I got in the car I would cry . And John said why are you crying . ? It was because so many happy memories with the kids . I felt so guilty going away . Not so much now as I know through Jackie who we see twice a year , I know is with us every step of the way . My heart is still aching for her .and I know deep inside she is with us . But even now I want to cry . She would call everyday , oh how I miss her calls . Zoe sending much love . Maddie xx
Hi all.
None of us ask for the hand we are dealt. Yes we can choose who we want to be with. What job/career we want, where we want to live. But when we have a child snatched from us. It completely throws you off track. Itâs such a curved ball that it alters the very fabric of your life. You see everything differently. You find yourself questioning your own sanity at times. I personally think grieving is only part of it. The first few years are filled with sorrow and guilt and an unbearing emptiness, a crushing suffocating weight bearing down on you. After a while the grieving eases. But that is replaced by momentary thoughts that enter your mind without warning. Someone will say something, or you will be somewhere, or see something, and your mind will flood with thoughts of your son or daughter. It will knock the wind completely out of your sails. I donât think that process will ever go away. Last week I was on holiday up in the highlands of Scotland miles from anywhere. My wife and I having an amazing time. Then out of the blue I felt my sonâs presence. Not in a clairvoyant way. A whole bundle of thoughts came to me. I bet he wouldâve loved it up here. Or is he seeing and feeling what Iâm experiencing at this precise moment. Then it flicks to , what will he think of me daring to enjoy myself. If you let it, it will completely overwhelm you. Guilt and sorrow can quickly drown you. But just as quick if you try hard enough you can snap out of it. I still find myself admittedly less frequently these days, having dreams about him. None of the dreams make sense but they always end the same way with me holding him in my arms petrified of letting him go. I usually wake with my eyes in a sodden mess. I can remember the dream when I wake , but it has no relevance to how he died or the circumstances of his death. But always the end of the dream is me holding him in my arms. Im assuming that means Iâm struggling to let go. I donât think you can let go, ever. I suppose in the end you have to try and live your life to the best of your ability. That is far from easy. Iâd bet every single person on this site has thought at one time or another, what is the point. It feels totally impossible to carry on without your child, yet here we all are. I hate the fact that Iâm growing old without him or that I wonât witness him living his own life. Thatâs the price we have to pay. Itâs bloody hard. There are definitely days I question what the hell Iâm doing. There is no easy fix or timescale that makes all this go away. As everyone says. You just learn to live with it, there is nothing else!!! What I would say to anyone reading this that are in the early stages. You do become stronger, you do learn to cope. You will always be a shadow of your former self. You will change as a person. Some days a harder than others. I have told myself from day one that I will see him again when itâs my time. I have to believe that because itâs all Iâve got. Wether itâs true or not. Who knows. But it keeps me going.
Ok. Thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
So glad you had a great holiday up here in the Highlands. We moved here 32 years ago with our then little girls . Jemma 6 and Lisa 3. Our big garden holds so many memories of the joyful voices playing in the laurel which provided a den for them. The place where their swing used to be is now home to a shrub.
The joy of bringing them up in this wonderful environment will always be with us but also the huge sense of loss.
Lisaâs last words to me were âthankyou for everything Mum and my wonderful childhood, I love you so muchâ.
So you see, even just being in our garden can bring the tears flowing.
Much love to you Jim.
Kate xx
Beautifully written as always, Jim. I had one of the dreams that you described, not about Gemma, but about my mum. I was hugging her and she was telling me she had to go. I was crying and pleading with her to stay. My husband woke me up as he said I was so distressed in my sleep and I was sobbing for ages afterwards ⌠it affected me so deeply.
I love your message about how our grief changes because for anyone new here, that gives people so much hope. I never would have thought that I would get to this stage.
Kate, I am happiest in my garden as it is the one place that I seem to feel completely at peace. Gemma loved the outdoors and wildlife so I feel as if I am entering into her world. Take care everyone xxx
Hi Wynne,
We lost our beloved son 11 months ago at 31 years old.
He passed away from a cardiac arrest with me and my daughter at home.
I tried tirelessly to save him but unfortunately it wasnât meant to be.
I feel your pain and understand only too well how devastating and heartbreaking it is.
All I can say is that you have to be kind to yourself and take every second,then minute,then day at a time.
Life will never be the same and we will never be the same but I know that my son would want me to carry on and remember him fondly forever but not constantly focus on his passing.
Celebrate your sonâs life and how much he loved you not the pain and sadness.
Itâs hard I know,no parents should lose a child at any age.
Stay strong.
Much love,
Jayne
Hi Jim,
Love your posts i can relate to all that you say, thank you for sharing and helping us all on this journey 
We are in North Wales at present and despite the weather we are enjoying just being in this beautiful place, we meet people here and we all say we feel like we are in heaven, love to all my dear friends on this site 
Michelle xxxx
Hi Jim
I am fairly new on here my son passed away on the 11th July this year he was 37 and had been fighting primary progressive multiple sclerosis for 3 and a half years he was bedbound from August 2020 and suffered horrendously I was with him when he passed he was always saying so sorry to me for keep asking for me to visit him I went everyday from November 2022 til his death as he was living in a bungalow with 24 hour care. I kept telling him not to be sorry as I was his mum and thats what mums do and that I loved him. I have hardly been out anywhere since his death as I am finding it difficult to cope just keep bursting into tears I like to read your posts and I am glad that it gets easier with time I am hoping this is so as at the moment it feels dreadful I miss him so much. I hope he is in a better place but as I am not religious its hard for me to believe this maybe it would help if I were. Someone suggested writing a journal and I have started to do this it does help to a degree I just need to know hes ok. Letting my feelings out on here does help a little as well.
Keep writing your posts
Kim2
Hello Kim , I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling son . I am sorry you have had to join our family . But I hope we will be able to bring you some comfort . Early days our deffinatllythebworsrtbever . All I can say is baby steps . You have to do what your heart will want you to do . You will
Know . I know myself , I am nearly 7 long years down the line , and life has been good , my heart is still breaking I miss Dawn every single day , . But I know she is with us . But we are coming up for another anniversary in December , and I am
Getting very weepy , , last Xmas , Dawn siste Sarah was diognose with cancer , although she is in remission, she is having to have counselling , and my heart is breaking for her . We have a best friend who is dying . And our other goog friends their Grandaughter is suffering from aggressive brain tumour she is only 19âyears of age . And my heart is breaking for them . I must admit after all this heartbreak we are trying to carry on the best we can , and not let it effect us . But like today . All I want to do is cry . Sending love Maddie xxx
Dear Kim. What other people donât get is that the love for our lost child doesnât stop when they pass. They are still attached to us by the cord. Even though they are adults, they are still the baby who grew in our belly and we pushed into the world. I remember Lisa being put in my arms and she looked at me with a raised eyebrow. Never in my worst nightmare would i have thought i would see her face turn blue and hear her last breath. I actually called it before the medics.
Its so flipping hard to explain how bad it feels. As Maddie said. Baby steps. We all know how bad this feels.
Keep posting my darling.
Love and hugs to you.
Kate xxxx
Oh Kate , like you with your Darling Lisa . We sat untill 2.15 am and watched Dawn take her last l big breath and a small , and she was gone from
this awful cruel world . The worse thing ever . How can we ever get over something like that They were our beautiful girls , how could this possibly happen . But we have survived , but only because we have been strong , and know one else can truly know how our hearts have been broken . Take care my dear friends. Maddie xxx
Love to you dear Maddie. We just know donât we?
Xxxx
It is a very difficult life we lead, since losing our beloved children. I have to admit that now, after 5 years, I try not to dwell on the ending as I then get so sad and upset and that is no good to anyone. I have two other children and my grandchildren and they deserve to live as happy a life as we can give them. Particularly our grandchildren who donât deserve a sad life, so we try to be positive for them. Of course I have my tearful times but try hard now to pull myself out of it.
My other daughter, Tiffany, sent me a funny video today that Gemma had once sent her and she said âI like to think now of the happy times and funny things Gemma and I did togetherâ. Bless her but this is something that comes with the passing of time xxx
Yes you are right Victoria , you have beautiful Grandchildren who you must be strong for You are the one who has been so strong getting them through the worse time ever . .,And they are growing up to be fine boys . And like you i donât mention Dawn to Sarah , I donât know why , but she canât except losing her Sister . . Even though I am hurting inside , it would be nice to talk about Dawn , itâs like she has erased her from her lifeâs. And it hurts. Take care dear friend . Maddie xx
Helllo Dear friends,
Just been catching up on your posts, we have all been through so much and i personally want to thank you all for always being there for me, thank God for our families as they help to keep us focused and give us the strength to get through each day, i think all our precious children would be so proud of us and for sure are willing us on and patiently waiting for us when its our time to join them God knows in the early days i willed that day to come quick but not now, like you all say we have to think of all our family and also our Children would want us to carry on and to try to live our best lives and to honour all our beautiful memories and as Victoria says keep them present with continuing bonds, sending much love to old friends and new
Michelle xxxx
Your post gives me hope. I have had to re group again since the inquest last week. Lots of walking, swimming and out in the garden helps me. Take care xx
Bless you, the inquests are so hard. I am glad you managed to get through it.
One more step.
I find it helps to keep busy too. Although just be careful you donât become over tired. Sending lots of love to all my amazing friends here in this site. I donât know how I would have got through the dark days without you all
Thank you. The inquest was hard, then Sunday I had awful flashbacks, but been bit better again. Yes this site is my life line where people actually understand what we are all going through. Take care xx