Dear Jayne , I so understand what’s it’s like to see our beautiful children take their last breath . We were sat with Dawn , and it was 2.15! In the morning , that she took one little breath and one big one and she was gone . And it haunts me to this day . Oh how I miss her 7 years on and I my heart is still broken . She we have had many a good day , we have no choice but to carry on the best we can . And I know for sure Dawn would want us to have a life . And I know she will be waiting for us when it’s our time . Lots of love Maddie xxx
I write a journal, it really helps me. Not every day just as and when I feel like it.
Been away for a week, I was fine but hit me again yesterday when I came home.
Constantly thinking about two years ago, my son died 8th October. Should I have seen a sign, I didn’t even know he had drugs, everything seemed fine that week. Omg why did he do it???
That’s what I say why did he do it. I did everything I could to help my son not take drugs. It breaks me like it does you…why. My son when not taking them, was kind, caring, loving, but he fought his demons all the time, and the effects sometimes were not always nice. Like you we love and miss them so much and we will never know all the answers, who did they get the drugs from, why, why. It’s coming close to the 8 October for you, you are in my thoughts, keep messaging and take care xx
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It will be one year on the 1st November since our son passed away and although it feels like yesterday it feels like an eternity since I heard his voice,saw his smile and infectious laugh,held him in my arms and had a conversation with him.
I ask why every single day,why did he leave me,why did he make such bad choices and why didn’t he let us help him?
I get angry and shout out loud at him and then I crumble and cry uncontrollably.
I miss him beyond belief.
I just don’t understand any of this and why he’s not here with me anymore.
Thank you for all your support and understanding.
You only understand if you’ve been through this living nightmare.
Take care everyone.
Love Jayne x
Im only on 8 weeks, 5 days, whenever im in house on own i go into his bedroom and scream why why why, from his computer i can now see he had CBT once a month until May 22, but from that he just developed unheathy very rigid coping skills, he was neurodiverse so needed to be told you need to leave uni and go home, have.a mental health break, its heartbreaking he kept it all from us
@30991 i also shout every day why, I wish he could’ve talked to me, I’ve convinced myself it was an accident, it makes me feel physically sick as I know he was scared of dying, we talked about it. The only consolation, if there is any is he could t have known what was in the drugs he took, he wouldn’t have taken them.
My whole being craves for his voice, his smile, a cuddle. Luckily I have some short videos of him that his friends have sent me, I’ll never have a cuddle but I can hear his voice and see his beautiful smile xx
@MJG im trying to carry on like a normal
Week but I just can’t concentrate on anything at the moment, so glad I’m off work. I keep thinking about that last week, there were just no signs he was taking drugs again. We talked, he seemed fine, happy. That’s why I know it was an accident, no way did he know what was in those drugs. I hate drug dealers, have they no compassion?
Thank you so much for thinking about me, it’s so tuff xx
I was with my son on the Wednesday before that Friday, he was on top form, just had a good payrise, we were meeting up on the Saturday for lunch, then Sunday for Mother’s Day, no evidence of any drugs being used, he was so happy, just one stupid error has ruined everything and my life. I’m trying like we all are to cope but it’s not easy. Why again all the time, take care, we all have each other to get through this xx
It is very sad, so many lovely people taking drugs and it ends their life. Drugs exert so much control and they appear almost powerless to resist. Addiction is a horrible disease and I hope in the future that more treatments can be found to help them.
My daughter did not take drugs but my heart goes out to everyone here whose child lost their battle 
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Addiction is such a terrible illness, and unfortunately some are too quick judge, not on this site but in the outside world. At one stage I actually offered to re mortgage my house for my son to have private re hab, as it was so expensive. My son could and would go for ages with no drink or drugs, then it would start again. All I try and think is that he is at peace and fighting his demons as he used to say to me. OMG I wish he was still here to even say that to me. We used to sit snuggled up together and talk…His last words to me were Bye Mum, see you Saturday, love you. I need to get out for a walk in a bit clear my head. Already started to write my daily journal. It’s foggy where I am…bit like my head. Take care xx
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@MJG our stories are so similar. We lived a roller coaster life for a long time, on and off drugs/alcohol. We went through so much together, I think that’s why I find it so difficult now, we were so close and I miss him so much. The relationship I have with my other son is completely different.
He’d really sorted his life out, had a steady job, made new friends. Lockdown came and to this day I say I didn’t realise how much it affected him, he was such a social person. He used to FaceTime his friends and he saw the friends he worked with but as we all know it’s not the same.
Unfortunately we can’t change what’s happened in the past……if only, but then again it’s easy to say now we’d have done things differently. I probably wouldn’t xx
Dear all
My son’s death was drug related. He mixed prescription and recreational drugs. He was with a friend who only took the recreational and he was fine but Henry just didn’t wake up. 
I’ve finally stopped blaming myself as I was always there for him. Addiction is a terrible thing, misunderstood.
Also people are so judgemental. We’ve lost our children to something hideous yet the compassion isn’t always there. As though it’s their fault they were ill.
Anyway - sending you all love. No one can touch our children now, they are free from their demons
Purple
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@Purple yes I totally agree, people are judgemental, i suppose I was until this happened. But unless you’ve lived this life you can’t truly understand. That’s why I gave up on counselling, I have gained more from this site talking to other parents who are going through exactly the same thing.
Thank goodness i stumbled across this site x
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Your story is so much like mine I had with my son, whatever it doesn’t make it any easier. I ended up crying yesterday after I spoke to the solicitor, re grouped again. If only and why and we will never find out. I like my own company so much easier I find. At least the sun is out here, been foggy all day yesterday. Take care. My friends are on here as everyone understands xx
So did my son and have no idea where these prescription drugs came from, he just never woke up. People are so judgemental as I live in a small village, they infuriate me so much I don’t see many people, and when I do I’m on my guard to what I say, I am not embarrassed at all with how my son passed away, just so sad as addiction is an illness. Step by step is all we can do xx
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@mjg I spent most of yesterday crying on and off. Feel the same today, like anxiety, a feeling in my chest that makes me feel so uneasy and restless.
I’m trying not to make a big deal out of the anniversary but not sure that I can. I feel so bad I could just stay in bed all day.
But, I’m not going to, the sun is shining here so I’m gonna put my slap on and get out there❤️xx
I am so sorry you feel like that. My daughter suffered from anxiety and depression which started as post natal depression. She sadly took her own life and I still feel enormous guilt and spend my life wishing I could have helped her more. I think people must look at me as a terrible mother who failed her child.
There is such a stigma to suicide.
But I do see it now as a terrible disease just like any other and try to talk about it.
xxx
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My heart is pounding today, it would have been my Dads birthday so that’s not helping, just donated some money to Cancer Research as he passed away with Prostate cancer. Go get your slap on and get out there😀, I know it’s hard, but the sun is out, even if you go out in the garden or go for a walk. I’ve booked a swim, then going to sit out and have a talk to my Dad, he was a very strong person and in a way I have some of his strength….sometimes. I’m definitely having to do everything minute by minute as Saturday is the 3rd anniversary of my Mum passing away, but I don’t ever look ahead anymore…everything taken to quickly. I was talking to my partner about my Will needs up dating, I got that upset he couldn’t understand what I was saying…oh well a conversation for another day I guess. Take care xx
@VictoriaP
Hi Victoria
I lost my son this way 14 weeks ago and hate this life sentence we have been given .
Like you say the guilt we feel is off the scale .
All the if onlys , why’s etc.
How do we live with it ?
The relentless grief is crippling .
xx
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Dear Tilly13,
I am so sorry you have lost your darling son. So heartbreaking .
I thought that I would never survive losing my beautiful girl this way, but here I am 5 years later. It is early days for you and you must feel so desperate …
I remember crying constantly, being sick and feeling as though I was going mad. But gradually a kind of peace descended around me, that is the only way to describe it and Ibegan to feel calmer.
I felt a terrible stigma at first but people have been so lovely towards us.
My daughter’s name is Gemma. What is your son’s name? Do feel free to private message me if you like.
Sending you a big hug
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