So true, Kate. I have lost a few friends along the way. One friend I had known for years and years, their son is my godson. I called her to let her know. She managed to say a few words before saying ‘thank you for letting us know’.
I emailed her a while ago and never heard back.
Some people can not deal with us because we are their worst nightmare … we have lost our children.
I do have lovely friends though who have stuck with us and helped us through such dark times xxx
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I will never be the same person as I was before I lost my son in March through drugs overdose. How can you be when I thought he was asleep as he looked so peaceful then ended up doing CPR on him when I knew it was too late. I am getting there in my own time, I have always exercised a lot, but even more so, occupied my head. Writing my journal every day helps me as well. It’s what helps us all and we all have to find our own ways. This is the only place where I know people actually understand what we go through. Take care xx
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I also feel I’ve changed as a person, how couldn’t you after what we’re going through. Two years since my sons death, some days a more bearable now, but he is constantly in my thoughts.
Returning to work on Monday after 6 months off. Not looking forward to it, but I’ve got to try and get a new normal in my life.
Do any of you work? How do you cope with work? xx
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Im currently off sick since my son went in August, i only get SSP. Im not even sure how i will manage to go back an hours drive there to think, and it doesnt keep my brain occupied.
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I returned to work after 5 weeks and went back on a phased return for 2 weeks. I have reduced my hours from 39 hours to 25 … not sure how long I will manage financially with such a big drop but I can’t manage any more right now. I do find it a small distraction… I think it would be harder staying at home all the time for me.
My counsellor said to imagine I had my daughter with me in a back pack … I also carry a heart crystal in my pocket that my best friend gave me after Chloe passed. Nice to hold it in my hand sometimes. I’m exhausted after my 3 days mind. Everyone is different. I was very very scared going back , I just had to for financial reasons.
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I was off work for 9 months after losing Gemma and was determined to go back.
I have cut my hours down to 20 hours a week as I would find it too tiring.
Going back to work was so good for me as I wanted to try and live a normal life and it kept me busy.
I love my job as administrator on a
children’s ward. We all cope so differently and going back to work is not right for everyone. We have to find our own path xxx
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Dear friend, at the time i was still running our B and B after returing from Aberdeen after losing Lisa. Just 4 days after we had a regular guest. Our older daughter was shocked that i had taken him but he had driven 8 hours from Doncaster and i couldn’t turn him away.
I continued to honour existing bookings but gave up after those.
Together with the holiday lets i was kept busy all the time and it gave me focus.
We all need to do what we need to do.
Yes, finance was a big part of it for us as i had run up a huge hotel bill and cottage rental for us in Aberdeen over 8 weeks.
Life is cruel but eventually we get to live beside our grieving. It doesn’t go away, its part of us now but we learn to cope somehow.
Love to you,
Kate xx
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Thanks for everyone for your replies. I have to return for financial reasons. I’m 64 next March so only two more years. I have a good pension and my mortgage will be finished then, so I will definitely retire.
When I lost my Mum I found work really helped, I had some thing else to concentrate on. But losing my son has been so different, I find it so difficult to concentrate on anything for any length of time. I’ve mentioned this to my supervisor, not sure I’ll get any help?
But, I’m gonna try, that’s all I can do xx
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I lost my son 15 weeks ago and am considering going back to work on a phased return next month .
I don’t know how I will cope until I try.
I am just sitting around at home so think work might be a distraction
Good luck for Monday .Let us know how you get on .
Hopefully your employer will be understanding .
xx
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Good luck for Monday, I hope you have great support when you go back. It may be a positive thing to do. I can’t comment on returning to work as I haven’t worked since my Dad passed away in December 2021. We moved to his house, up the road from my house, to look after him, he left some money and I set my house up as a holiday let which brings in a bit of income in the summer, although what people don’t always realise the expense of doing a holiday let. I was going to work for my friend this year a couple of days a week, but since I lost my son in March I didn’t start work. To be honest I need to think about something soon, exercise seems to be my full time job at the moment. Also my Dads money is running out after nearly 2 years. I really hope it goes well for you xx
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@MJG thanks so much! I did go back after 6 months, I worked for nearly a year but grieving and the amount of work pressure was just too much for me in the end. I honestly think if I hadn’t gone sick I would have had a break down.
I’ve got to admit I feel stronger now, but that’s ok when you’re sat at home. I’m going back on a phased return, and I’m sticking to that, I didn’t last time.
Feeling very apprehensive the closer it gets xx
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I fully understand how apprehensive you must be, I felt the same when I lost my Mum, as I was looking after Dad as well, went back on phased hours. Make sure you stick to phased hours as well. I am feeling stronger at the moment, had a lot of dealings last few days with estate agents and solicitors but I have coped. My journal writing is so important to me at the moment and it really seems to help. I hope your weekend can be ok, and will be thinking of you Monday. If you have time drop a message to say how it went👍 xx
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Hi all.
The small hours of the night again. Thought I’d write something. I find it therapeutic.
Very recently a few days ago infact there has been a death in my distant step family. Someone that I bare no consequence to. A grandfather. The only reason I mention it is because yesterday we got a phone call of some of the deceased,s relatives asking. What happens now? And how it all works after someone has died. The main concern was. They just wanted to know in what order things were to follow and that already a day after the grandfather had died already the vultures were circling. Who’s entitled to what? One of the daughters had already got hold of a copy of the will and was keeping the information from the others and arguments had already begun. It’s a sad state of affairs but this behavior seems to happen most times when someone dies. There’s always one with their greedy paws out waiting to " cash in"
The person that rang me was still in a state of shock and was saying that they weren’t after monetary gane. They just wanted to know what steps to take. I tried to explain that while they were shocked, traumatized and wanted to do the right thing. There is always someone in the background rubbing their hands. It took me back to when my boy died. Even though he had left home and was in a relationship it was left to me to sort all his affairs out ( long story). I got myself in such a mess trying to sift through all the legal requirements of his affairs. Ringing banks and mortgage companies. Car loan companies blah blah blah. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be doing all of this as my son had only been gone a matter of days. But someone has to sort it out. But in the end, with the passage of time you come to realize that although the legal stuff has to be sorted. It’s all irrelevant in the grand scale of things. You eventually forget all that stuff. The fact he owed a few quid on a car loan or his Mobile phone bill . Fade into the distance. However what doesn’t disappear is how some people behave. My son and his girlfriend were 6 months into a £160,000 mortgage and also had a child between them. My grandson. When the dust had settled after the inquest . The mortgage was paid off in full and I’ve never seen his girlfriend or my grandson since. 8 years ago. She never showed an ounce of remorse. Within weeks of him dying she moved in with her new boyfriend and rented her gifted house out for an income. They live miles away hence I don’t see them. The few quid he owed on other stuff , car, phone ect. Were written off. So I went through all the turmoil of sorting everything out and she walked away with a house and the guy she had been having an affair with while my boy was still alive. I blank it out as best I can. What else can you do. It will eat away at you if you let it. But the only person that will suffer is you.
In the end you can’t control other people’s behavior. That’s just another element of things you have to learn to live with. When someone close to you died there are untold hurdles you have to negotiate. Things you never thought you would have to. I try to block all the negatives out and just remember my boy. It does get easier after a while. In the beginning all that negative stuff can take away your personality cause it burns a whole in you. I think for me anyway. If you can’t change it . Why try. I just remember my boy and what he meant to me. Unfortunately after a death there will be rifts in the family that can’t be mended. I’m glad my son’s ex lives miles away . Seeing her would just remind me. The fact I don’t see me grandson. God knows I tried in the beginning is just something else I’ve learned to live with. That may sound harsh. But you have to try and start living some sort of live again for yourself. Otherwise what’s the point. At the time I wrote a 100 page journal about every detail . It’s upstairs in a box. But to be honest with the passage of time I’ve forgotten most of the tiny details. The details that were absolutely massive at the time. I’m not a cold person. I did dwell on all of it for the first 3/4 years. But it got me absolutely nowhere. The other people that cause the heartache. Do you think they sit round getting upset. I very much doubt it. And what’s more ,do you think they care about how their behavior affected you. No they don’t because they didn’t care in the first place… they just see that whatever they can get their hands on is an opportunity. They aren’t going to loose sleep over it like we do. In the end all we have to look forward to are memories. But we can pick and choose which memories matter. I know that may sound simple to anyone only just encountering this . But one day you will see you will just remember what really matters. Your son or daughter. I know there are people on here with far worse stories than mine. But the memory of your child is the most important memory of all.
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
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Hi Jim
My situation is similar to yours as my sons wife will not let us see my granddaughter and she wont even let me have a teaspoon of his ashes so I can put them in some jewellery my other son also had a lovely relationship with her as well he has tried to get to see her but she has now blocked him as well. Its so sad that my granddaughter is missing out on seeing us and I bet her mum is turning her against us maybe one day when she is older she will want to see us again we love and miss her so much but we knew this would happen when my son died.
Myself and my sons wife have not got on for a long time I have forgiven her a lot over the years but I cannot forgive her for the way she behaved when my son was dying and she told me to drop dead and said that we were all dead to her. Its true that when someone dies that the vultures start to circle when he moved into his bungalow with full time carers she fell out with him and did nit come and see him for a few months but I know my son loved and missed her and when he began to go downhill I told her that she needed to come and see him as he did not have long left she then started coming round and started controlling everything even though my son asked me to be the next of kin she just took everything over when he passed.
I just wish she could have been different as we are both struggling with grief but thats the way she wants it and I have to respect that I suppose. Maybe one day Karma will happen to her who knows.
Take care Jim
Kim
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So very true. I felt at one point that i was walking into a room with the outside wall missing. Trying to build it up but it kept falling down.
Yes theres always that emptiness.
Much love,
Kate xx
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That is very sad, Jim. I think some people must have hearts of stone and I wonder how they can possibly be so heartless.
We have to hang on in there and keep going, buoyed up by our precious memories. Much love to you xxx
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These words are so true, Michelle and I think we must all have felt like this. That yearning to have our lives back as they were us very strong with me. Often as though losing a child isn’t bad enough, we then have to deal with the collapse of family relationships and breakdowns 
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Hello all , I am feeling my life is so misable , what’s the point of it all . Sarah had a go at me for wanting to see her , we are devastated after f her having the dreaded cancer . I have rang her twice a day , asked when we could see her , picked up all her tablets , send her flowers . Any thing I could do we would do do . But haven’t been aloud to see our Grandaughter once since last Xmas . . All I want do do is seevSarahb, but the week before we went away , I asked her if we could see her , her response was I only saw you last week , don’t keep on only saw you last week . . Nothing when we went away , nothing whybaway , nothing when we got back . I told our Grandson , and what he text Sarah . And now that’s it . She told us her life has changed since cancer , so I told her what about us , our life has changed since losing Dawn . How do you deal with something like that . So now we won’t be talking . To tell you the truth , I have had enough , ibrealltbfind life hard work , what’s the bloody sense . I thought we had such a great familybonly a few years ago . And now ibjustbdont want to be here anymore . Hop W somewhere down the line . I can end all this awful life x
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