You mustn’t let this get in the way of your grief.
You need to heal and repair and although it’s extremely difficult and exhausting you must look after yourself first.
In time you can tackle everything else when you are stronger.
I don’t know exactly what you’re going through and how it’s affecting you personally but having lost my son recently I do know that we don’t always think rationally initially and thing’s magnify for us.
Talk about your feelings and try to find someone that you can trust and confide in.
Best of luck
Jayne x
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@MJG my first day back at work went ok. I was so nervous this morning, but everyone was very nice. One day at a time.
How are you doing? xx
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Tomorrow I think I am leaving my husband afterv55! Years . Because. , I just want to be by self . . Know one will miss me I know . What’s the pont, everything is such hard work .
Maddie,
Life is so difficult for us all when losing a loved one and especially a child.
I understand completely how you feel, I have considered many times being on my own but just remember that you have been through this together and you are both suffering,maybe in very different ways but suffering nevertheless.
Think carefully about your future.
Take care
Jayne x
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Dear Maddie, I know life feels very hard and it is sometimes so difficult to cope with but you need to heal and as Jane suggested, maybe find someone to talk to, but letting it out on here is good too.
I think we all recognise that feeling of wanting to be on our own at times and that is natural, but you would miss John so much after a little while as you are such a strong couple together. Sarah is dealing with her own stuff and I am sure you will become closer again … just give it time xx
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Thankyou Victoria . So sorry we have lost contact . But ave been so bitter , friends who let us down , and mostly family . Have felt can’t cope with . Sarah has changed so much , since being married to Matt . She was so lovable . But now nobody seems to care how I feel feel I feeling I am by myself in my grief . Even John , I don’t think he knows how inside I am suffering . What’s the sence. , if the ones closed to you don’t understand your pain . X
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Glad it went ok, big step taken for you today. I’m ok I guess, trying to make the right decision regarding my sons flat which is up for sale xx
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Maddie49 please think carefully before you do anything to drastic. I have no idea of your situation but grief causes us many different emotions and catch us unaware. X
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You are so right, MJG. Please don’t do anything drastic, Maddie. Sadly losing somebody precious can sometimes be like an eruption going off in our families. We need to embrace the life we still have xxx
VictoriaP you are so right embrace what we have left, even though a lot of the time it feels like nothing. When I cry and get sad which I do often I try to think would my son want me to be like this…the answer is always no. Easier said than done though. My Dads last few words were be strong and get on with your lives, he also said a few months before he passed away don’t let your sons addiction ruin your life, those words haunt me some days, as his addiction had and has ruined my life, but somehow starting to pick up the pieces very slowly. Why is life so cruel when we haven’t done anything to deserve this. Addiction is an illness, and you are born with those genes. His father was a drinker and so was his fathers Dad. Also my ex sister in law has 3 children and one exactly the same as my son was. It’s all so sad xx
Hi Maddie, all of your lives have changed. All of your family are struggling in their different ways. It’s an absolute tragedy and it’s natural cos you love them that you want to try and improve the situation by talking. I had the same with my family who behaved abysmally but they weren’t listening. I couldn’t make them. In the end I did myself a favour and just sent a short text once a week. Nothing more. I stopped trying to make them talk. After a couple of months just leaving it alone, even tho I was constantly focused on it, they got back with more than a few word texts. Slowly, slowly. Maybe just letting it settle for a while even if your really want to do the opposite. You can and will find a way to be in a better place for all of you. Maybe you all just need space to grieve apart for a while. If you leave your husband ask yourself ‘is that what I really want?. Hearing all your family stuff and your struggle is about your love for them and all but absolute frustration that they won’t respond how you want. You can’t make them. When my family did get back to me I didn’t ask for a big meeting or set any expectations and kept it simple. A coffee for half an hour in a cafe. Tho I wanted to talk about my daughter and everything I just stuck to school or general topics. That honestly helped. Just little by little not too much too soon. I’m not expert apart from what happened to me but half an hour when everyone’s pleasant is a start. It did take a couple of months to get as far as an actual meeting. I let them set the pace. Just my thoughts and I send you all my love. You’ve got lots of friends on here. We all care xxxxxx
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Hi everyone - it’s been quite a few months since I’ve been on this site. But I recognise so many of your names and have read through some of your more recent posts. I thought I’d give an update, and hopefully shine a little light on this desperately sad forum.
When I first found this site, I was very recently bereaved. My gorgeous son Joey had died only weeks before - October 13, 2022 - and I was almost suicidal, I think. We’d gone through 16 horrible months as my 40-year-old son fought a terrible battle with testicular cancer that spread to his spine, liver, lungs and eventually brain. He was in hospital for 120 days, went through four different chemo protocols, the nastiest of which was an autologous stem cell transplant that had been cooked up by the devil and out him in a coma. When he died, with his dad, brother and me right beside him, his suffering was over but ours became unbearable.
I didn’t “surface” so to speak for four months. I thought my life was over. I never left my bed at all. But slowly, slowly I came back to the land of the living. The main reason - besides an excellent shrink and benzodiazepine (which I’m still on) for this was that we founded a non-profit charity in his memory.
When Joey was first diagnosed, we were all hopeful, even though the cancer had already metastasised. He almost immediately started an immensely clever, entertaining and informative podcast with a buddy he’d been to film school with in London. The idea was to document his cancer journey. It really was one of a kind because of the plethora of cultural, movie and music references with Joey & his mate’s special brand of humour. Altogether they put 25 episodes on YouTube and other social media platforms. They’re not depressing, except the last one, recorded only days before his death, in which he said that if he could save one young man from going through what he did, then his suffering would have been worth it.
It was this amazing courage that eventually pulled me out of my depression and galvanised me into founding a charity: Having a Ball - the Joseph a Barnes Association for Testicular Cancer Awareness. Had Joey been diagnosed earlier, he might still be here. Testicular cancer is the most common cancer for young men aged between 15 and 44. It is highly treatable if diagnosed in time.
We organise information in colleges & high schools, football clubs & gyms. Everywhere men go. Our mission is to make auto examination for men as common as it is for women and to remove the stigma & taboos. His podcasts had thousands of viewers around the world. Our plan is to make it even bigger. On November 4, as part of the Movember Men’s Health Movement, we have two events (we live in the French part of Switzerland). One is to offer free walk-in-off-the-street info & check-ups by a urologist in a large Covid-type tent. We want to bring awareness!
Anyway, being so involved in something that is not only in Joey’s memory but that will hopefully also do good, has been a real lifesaver. Of course there are still days I would rather not get up, but there is so much work involved in running a non-profit that I must. There are 7 of us on the committee but five are young men with full time jobs. I’m retired so most of it falls on me. But it keeps me sane.
My first waking thoughts are immediately for Joey. In many ways he’s more in my life that when he was alive because he’s with me every minute in my heart. I suppose i am also at heart resilient, and I have sone wonderful close girlfriends around me and a fabulous older son.
No, I will never recover from my Joey’s death. I miss him terribly!!! But the sorrow has become much more manageable - not always. The tears still come often when least expected. www.having1ball.ch I think he would be terribly proud of what we are doing.
I hope this shows some of you more recently bereaved parents that there is a way to continue living - as awful and impossible as that may sometimes sound. There are still times, and I expect there always will be, when I wish I were still in my deep black home of grief, as it made me feel so close to him.
I wish you all peace and hope to deal with your grief and sorrow in any way you can. Check out our website: www.having1ball.ch. The site is in English and French with German coming. The Having a Ball podcasts are linked.
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Hi joeysmum,
I found your message very moving and inspirational.
I lost my beautiful son on 1st November 2022 at age 31.
He had a cardiac arrest suddenly and very unexpectedly at home with me and my daughter.
It’s coming up to the anniversary of his passing and I’m not going to lie I’m really struggling.
I to wake up every day with that overwhelming feeling of complete disbelief and gut wrenching pain.
I have thought about doing something in memory of my son but don’t know quite where to begin and admire you so much,well done!
Keep his memory alive.
Much love
Jayne x
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Dear Annemarie,
So lovely to hear from you and particularly to hear that you are doing so well.
You are so amazing in the work you have been doing, reaching out to others and raising awareness of testicular cancer.
I am sure that lives will be saved because of your story and your work. I have read Joey’s blogs and they are beautifully written. Joey would be so proud!
I fund raise for the charity, Mind, and find that helps me in raising awareness of mental health. It is good if we can channel our energies into good causes.
Like you, I would never have thought that I would be living life as I do. I was in such a deep, dark hole. But slowly I began to feel more peaceful and rejoined the world.
Sending you peace and love xxx
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Dear friends, it is uplifting to read Joeys Mums post. Our elder daughter Jemma through herself into organising the Just Giving page for the ECMO ward at Aberdeen Royal. It raised more than 11,600 almost immediately and folk continued to give months afterwards. It gave Jemma a focus she so desperately needed after losing her much loved baby sister. There were only 3 years between them but she always referred to Lisa as her baby sister.
For us 4 years on, there are still tearful moments when you least expect them though. I doubt that will change for any of us.
On the plus side, we have Lisas beautiful daughter to help raise and she is the reason to get up in the mornings. Just spent a week at her Auntie Jemma’s who had organised such an exciting week. Life goes on and we must enjoy it as our children would want us to. Not that easy though.
Love to all.x
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My son had learning disability at age 47 he died of secondary bone cancer on 17th July 2023 .About a month after his funeral ,we had a remembrance Afternoon at Mencap which he belonged to. We had karaoke of all his favourite songs ,photo slide show, I took albums of him as a baby and growing up.They loved it ,he was so loved,one of his friends said I wanted to be there to hold his hands when he died. We raised £349 for Guts the charity for rare cancers and conditions of the gut.
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Dear Joeys Mom,
Its lovely to hear from you and thank you for sharing, it’s amazing what you are doing raising awareness for testicular cancer, im sure your Joey is extremely proud of all that you have done and are still doing, its good to share our stories and let others who have recently lost know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, there are a few of us that have lost our children 4 plus years and we do all keep saying it doesn’t get any easier but you have to learn to live this different life now, it will never be as before but we owe it to our precious children who are waiting for us to eventually join them and also for our other family mebers who so desperately still need us 
sending much love to all my lovely friends on this site
Michelle xxxx
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Hi Jayne - yes, there’s always that terrible feeling of disbelief! I too was so afraid of the anniversary of Joey’s death, which was on October 13th, but actually the week leading up to it was far worse, I think, because we had expected it to be so bad. It was then actually just another day without him, like every other day is now, terrible, but it’s part of life now
Much strength to you, especially next week!
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Yes dear friends , I must admit leading up to an anniversary is the worse . We re nearly 7!yers down the line and I wish things get better . In must admit leading up going through every minute up to when they pass is the worse is unbereableb. I must admit this year I am feeling the worse. I think it might have something to do with Sarah . When we lost Dawn Decemberb11thb.l it was the worse possible Xmas , . Then last year year Sarah give us the worse possible news she had a mass in her chest . Our hearts stopped.,And now 9!momthsv on , we saw her today and she looks good . But inside she is so worried it will come back , so she ibknowvisvsufferingv, and she is having therapy . She is is trying to cope . But inside I am dying . I don’t want to lose another daughter . Why do we have like this .? Love to everyone who is so suffering. Maddie xxx
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Thank you for your kind comments, Victoria, and well done for working with Mind. No, our lives will never be the same but we owe it to our children to carry on, and if possible help others when we can. Much strength to you!
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