It is a big decision. I have to be honest here … if it was just me
I would have kept Gemma at home with me, but Charlie especially has said several times that he wished mummy had a ‘special place’. He even said that he thought mummy would be at peace if she had her special place. So I could see how important it was for him and maybe he needs a place to go to feel close to her?
I was in pieces the week before as I felt as though I was having to let go of her. Very hard also to see your daughters name in a cemetery 
.
It really brought it home to me, that we have lost her.
Much love to you all xxx
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Yes Victoria, I understand your feeling about seeing Gemma’s name in the cemetery 
I feel it every time I go, it’s very difficult. I read the headstone each time I go and I choke. Children can be heard laughing and playing in a nearby school primary school at playtimes, she will love that as she was a teacher and supervised many playtimes.
But most importantly, it was vital for my Granddaughter who can go there and I think I can say you have bravely made the right decision.
Love Chris xx
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I still have my son and husband with me. No one really feels the same and we all need to do what’s right for us. There may come a time when I feel ready to let go, I just don’t know where or when.
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Lisa is still in the kitchen where Jamie and Brooke are most of the time. There is no rush. We will take a wee bit to put at the cemetry where we have a plot now and will get a stone but even opening the cask fills me with dread.
Love to all.
Kate xx
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I feel the same Victoria. Alan had a small plaque made that he wanted to place by the Highland dancers platform here in the village. It says she danced here from 1995 to 2002. Even seeing that made my legs buckle. Not sure i will ever be able to go to the cemetry again as i was on my knees in seconds. With a proper headstone it will be even harder but, like you said sbout Charlie, maybe when shes older Brooke might want somewhere to go to visit. Who knows. It doesn’t bring them back to us.
Much love Victoria.
Kate xx
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I understand completely, Kate. Charlie was
8 years old when he lost his mummy and being that bit older, he understands more about what happens when you lose someone special, so I felt as though I had to do the right thing for him but it was oh so hard.
He is already planning to take his mummy a little Christmas tree with my other daughter xx
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Victoria, thats lovely that it makes him feel close. Brooke has ‘clammed up’ just now and although we talk about her Mummy all the time in general, she goes quiet and changes the subject. I think shes ok as she seems a very happy and fulfilled little girl. She gets so much love from all of us and Jemma adores her like she is her own baby. I think that Jemma being single has been a good thing. Jemma gets so much from Brooke too. Filling the mothering instinct she quite obviously has.
Life is strange.
Love to you.
Kate x
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Hi Frankie2,
I too still have the ashes of my mother (Oct 2006 she was 80) and brother (Feb 2022 he was 74). I know that they are gone but it feels as if they are still with me. Well, in a way, they are. I also have an old photo of my brother when he was in his teens. I had problems with a recent photos, but the old one is OK. It is always there when I need it.
It does not matter when we let go, we will find out early enough. - Nick
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Hello dear friends,
I too haven’t posted for a while but have been reading all the posts, Helen thank you for sharing its like you have written what we all feel 
Victoria the roses look beautiful and like Zoe said they glow like gold, im so glad you have managed to do this for Charlie but i know how hard it must have been for you, it sounds like a beautiful spot and Gemma would love listening to the birds singing
We have all got to know each other on this site and its lovely to hear how everyone is getting on, i love to hear about your grandchildren and here how they are doing, i totally understand keeping your loved ones ashes we all have to do what is best for us or for the grandchildren, wherever our children are laid to rest they will always remain safety tucked in our heart pockets much love to you all
Michelle xxxx
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They are beautiful Victoria, and yes I believe you’re right, like you and 30991 I haven’t laid Sam to rest he is here with me. It is difficult for me because of my ex. so each night I light his candle and kiss his photo and each week but new roses for his vase. I cannot even yet blow out his candle John has to do that each night after I have gone up to bed. It’s coming up 7 years on the 9th December, yet here I am still wondering what to do.
Love Helen
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Hi zoe9,
My son was also a home bird.
He was 31 years old and still lived with us.
He once told me “mum I’m never leaving home,it’s my safe place “ and he never did,he passed at home with me and my daughter.
Stay strong xxx
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Hi jane yes i will always keep sams ashes in the frontroom this is where we sat and laughed most nights .sam passed in the front room .its so hard …yesterday was my birthday .i hope sam was with me .this new life is so sad .although i laugh i wear a mask .inside im aching .sending all my love to all friends on here
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Dear Zoe, I’ll keep my son and husband with me for ever. When I die my son can take us all to a favourite place. With Christmas just around the corner I’ll don the mask and have a good day with my lovely surviving son and family. Love and peace to all who visit here.
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I found an interesting discussion this evening with Emily Graham, who is a grief coach. She was talking about how shocking people’s behaviour can be due to their discomfort at being around bereaved parents. Some of you may remember that my sister cut contact with me as she disagreed with us having a small, private service when we lost Gemma (even though she was there).
I wrote briefly about this and Emily replied, saying ‘it says so much about her and her personal struggles and it’s not about you at all … even though it is painful’.
I had never thought about it like this at all so it was a revelation. I am sure we have all experienced people who we always thought were close to us, turning away and not able to face us when we had lost our precious children, at the very time that we needed them. Others spoke of people who can’t look them in the eye or cross the street to avoid them … or defriend them on social media. It is very sad but also such an interesting subject . Almost as though we shouldn’t talk about our children just because they aren’t with us any more and it makes them feel awkward!
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VictoriaP
I’m so wishing I could do this but I’d extend it to the end of January. Last Xmas I flew out to California to spend it with my son Thomas and on Boxing Day he went into hospital for another open heart surgery but never came home. We let him slip quietly away after being told he was brain dead. I’m dreading Xmas but have to pull myself together for my 2 other sons here in the uk. I used to love Xmas with my boys but now it feels me with dread.
Lynda
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Dear Lynda,
I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely son.
I understand how you feel. I was dreading the first Christmas after losing Gemma so much. I coped by avoiding the shops, the Christmas music, the carols and the Christmas parties, kept my head down and ploughed through the best I could, telling myself that in another few weeks, then a few days that it would all be over.
I do cope better now but know what my ‘triggers’ are and avoid them. Life is different now and I try to move through it thoughtfully and peacefully.
Try to keep posting or at least reading messages here as it helps so much.
Much love to you 
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Dear friends. Hope you are all managing in some way.
The other day I had coffee at a friends house. She is very kind and has held me close when others crossed the road.
She cares deeply for others, too much so just now as she is seems to be under a great strain just now and i will be watching over her too.
Anyway, she handed me a book which had been given to another friend of hers who lost her son of only 23 to cancer in 2020. The book is called ‘God is an Octopus’.
Excellent read by an author who lost his 15 year old daughter in a tragic accident on their farm in July 2019, just 2 weeks before we lost Lisa.
The thing is, as i was reading i realised that this is exactly what its like for us. The initial shock, the trancelike way we functioned in the days and weeks that followed. The waking each morning and realising again what has happened. The tremendous empty feeling where our heart should be. I will continue to read ad he finds solace in nature.
Love to all.
Hope some of you will read it too.xx
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Dear Kate, lovely to hear from you and thank you for recommending this book i will definitely be ordering a copy, it really does help to know others on our journey share the same experiences, it lets you know you are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, i hope you and all the lovely friends on this site are as well as they can be at this time of year 
doesnt get any easier but we will get through just like we always do as we dont really have much choice, anyone feeling especially low heres a big hug for you 
you are not alone we are all here for you, love to all 
Michelle xxxx
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Hi everyone,
I ordered this book for my husband for Christmas yesterday after reading this post.
I know just how lonely this time of year can be for us all,when we think everyone around us will be having a wonderful time and we are struggling to get through each day.
I just wanted to say to each and everyone of you that you’re not alone,we are united in our grief and love for our missing loved one.
Jayne xxx
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