Hi Everyone…No Maddie,you are not going mad ,if you are then I and everyone else on this forum is going mad too…all we are trying to do is bring some slight comfort into our lives but invariably it can be bittersweet and we end up in tears…
Similar to Helen I have many emails on my laptop that Christian wrote to me while he was living in Yorkshire, every so often I read through them and every time it ends with me in tears.
The thing that seems to bring slight comfort to me is that every morning I go into his old bedroom and speak to him, I tell him what day it is .what’s the weather is like and what I will be doing that that day…and when I go to bed I always say Goodnight to him and have another little chat…(I can almost hear him say…BORING)…is this madness…no…it’s a Mother who as lost her son and misses him more than words can describe.
Love and hugs to you all…Marina xxx
Thankyou, Marina, I am glad I am not the only one that do the unusal things , what else do we have ? but like you I always say good morning to Dawn , during the dayi write in her diary and tell her what we have been doing, in the evening light a candle , then say good night to her picture, hoping every thing I say or do, she understands how much we miss her . But exspect she is looking down and thinking just get on with your lives, . We do keep ourselves realy busy , but just cannot get rid of the big hole she has left in our hearts.Love to all Maddie x
Hi marina, Maddie and all you other lovely parents, I also do all of the above including checking Sam’s phone each day and talking to him about songs I’ve heard that he would have liked etc. The void is too huge to ever fill but as you have said we keep busy and I feel him saying sometimes for god’s sake mum live your life to the full enjoy my sister’s and know everyone’s love is with you. Xx
Hi Maddie and everyone, I too talk to Ryan everyday, kiss his picture every morning, light a candle for him every evening and say goodnight to him every night. I like to think it brings him comfort as it does me. I am really struggling at the moment it’s so hard facing every day without our loved ones physically here. It was on Mother’s day 2018 that we rushed to Addenbrookes as Ryan was intensive care. I still don’t know if I am in shock as sometimes I tell the story to people so matter of factly that I don’t think the true words of what I am saying sink in. I totally believe our loved ones are around us as I have had many signs and strange things happen since his passing that I can’t ignore. Just wish my heart didn’t feel so heavy all of the time and I am sure you all sadly know that feeling xx
Hi Tess,
I know exactly what you mean about being in shock. I lost my Gemma on the 1st February 2018 and still it suddenly hits me and I think ‘how can this have happened to us?’
Maybe we will never be able to truly accept it.
Much love xxx
Dear Maddie, Helen, Victoria and all dear friends,
Have just returned from Ireland which was a magical place. We went to Daniel’s best friend’s wedding. Daniel would have been the best man so it was a bitter sweet knowing how much he would have enjoyed all the fun instead we stood bravely, sunglasses on to hide the tears which fell many times throughout the day. Like so many on this site I talked constantly to our boy but it was so very hard to smile and laugh with all the other guests knowing it should be so different. The days have grown into weeks, months and know it is two and half years but the agony just never seems to stop. Constantly wishing that I could turn back the clock and knowing that the future remains so empty without him. I know one shouldn’t wish time away and Daniel would be so angry to think we weren’t making the most of our precious time on earth but in truth many days it is hard to keep going. I send you all love and hope for the future. Wynne x
Hello All,
Like you Tess, Victoria, Wynne and Maddie life is hard so hard. I just wish Sam was here with me and yes you’re right Wynne the days are so hard to get through, just how I manage to wake up I will never know. But like Daniel Sam would be so so angry and I know he see’s me like this, because in my head I hear for Chirst’s sake pull yourself together mum…crack on!! that would be how he would say it exactly. Just sometimes it’s hard to do
with love
Helen
Dear Wynne, I know that Daniel would have wanted you to be happy, but grief is such a powerful emotion nothing seems to help. I am sorry that you are grieving so deeply for your beloved son, I do understand, I am deeply grieving, still after four years for my brother, who I love so much and miss so badly. Remember, grief is the price we pay for love. I am thinking of you, Love, Mary
Wynne, you were so very brave to attend the wedding. I would imagine you wanted to be there to represent Daniel and you put the happiness of Daniels friend before your own “self preservation” , hiding your agony from everyone which must have been so exhausting. I commend you, at least feel good about that. I have been unable to attend many celebrations as I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope which makes me feel guilty, not joining in people’s joy, but I knew I couldn’t. It brings our loss to the forefront. I would never have understood how very powerful and extensive these emotions could ever feel before our loss. I’m hoping I’ll start to feel that I can be part of some things in the future, it’s almost 4 years. On the other hand, I acknowledge that perhaps I never will and if I don’t, that will have to be the case.
Love and thoughts to all x
Dear Wynne and everyone,
You are so so brave, Wynne as it would have been so much easier to have hid away at home.
Daniel would be so proud of you … I am proud of you and I am sure he was there with you.
Sending lots of love xxx
Hello Wynne,
Yes you are brave and I know that Daniel gave you the strength to be brave. Remember Daniel is with you and probably like Sam is saying do it mum which you did you listened to that inner voice which would have been Daniel. They never leave us Wynne they walk beside us.
with love
Helen
Hello, everyone, we have just returned from visiting a friend who lost her husband a just before Dawn passed away , we had not got together, because of distance and we are both grieving for our loved ones, I was so dreading it, but she kept breaking down and she seemed so lonely, and my husband and I seem to be the strong ones, .I don’t know about anyone else, I know you have had a hard time Wynne with Daniels friends wedding, but I have found I seem to put up this front and people seem to get the wrong idea that I am over my grief , when i am alone all i want to do is cry, i have started drinking again, just to get through this awful time , and hope it does not put me back in hospital again with a gall bladder stone.
With love Maddie x
Hello Maddie,
I went to see Sam’s best friends baby that he has named Samuel after my Sam. Wherever you saw Sam you saw Jason and vice versa. It was bittersweet for me but I did it and they were so welcoming. A few days before I had bought a little outfit and then went next door into Clinton’s to get some wrapping paper. Something I believe Sam would not let me walk out of there without this blue teddy bear and I heard him say from me!! I have just been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my hip and sometimes it can be very painful, yet all I hear so loudly that I look around is …“mum it’s a hip get on with it”, which is exactly how he would say it, he never wasted a moment, never ever complained to the degree all his friends said we forgot he had a brain tumour. So I dare not complain. I fight every day to appear normal I miss him so much, but I will not give in. I too like you used to drink (wine was my tipple) to help me through but then I realised I had Geraint and the grandchildren, so now I have a few glasses on the weekend. I know Sam would not like it if I just gave up on life. Jason and I were talking and he said to me when you used to keep ringing him…he’s answer and say MOTHER…what do you want now!!! Yet like Jason said he loved you unequivocally
Last night both me and John could smell this really strong aftershave for quite some time and I knew Sam was here with us, and Marmaduke my cat just kept staring at the open door into the kitchen which is by my chair he would not move. It was lovely to know he was here because I did feel upset inside to know Sam would have no children.
With love
Helen
Dear Maddie,
It is so tempting to have a few drinks in the evening and I have done that too often. I have read that drinking alcohol makes you feel depressed so that worries me as I feel sad enough as it is.
So hard for us all and I do understand how you feel.
Much love. xxx
Dear Helen, so sorry to hear you suffering with your hip, I am finding it hard to sleep at the moment, when I try and turn on it at night its realy painful, making it a long night, and I have to try and block out what happened to Dawn, as I keep getting flash backs. So must go to the Docs, but got fed up with Doctors and hospitals last year , with the gall bladder op that went wrong.I am so happy for you , that you had a visit from Sam, it must make you feel content knowing he is watching down on you. , Still nothing from Dawn, all I want is a little something, just to keep me going, and I will be happy. Going to try another medium when I get back from Greece., last time my sister in law picked up her husband ,and grandson, so I think its about time I had something,
Take care Maddie x
Dear Wynne, Helen, Maddie and all friends,
I was just wondering how everyone is doing? I have been struggling the last week thinking it seems so long since I saw Gemma and just longing to see her and give her a cuddle.
Like you, Wynne, sometimes I find it hard to keep going.
I try not to dwell on things and try to put on a ‘smiling’ face for the rest of the family but feel as though I am breaking inside. I have got through another summer without her and September was her favourite month.
Sorry to be so depressing … I am so hoping you are all doing better.
Much love to you all xxx
Like you Victoria I am finding this year the second since Christian died very emotional…
In December it will be two years since I last saw Chris and yet it is so vivid in my mind as if it was only yesterday. What does upset me is to think he is going further and further away from us and there is nothing we can do…I still find it difficult to believe that he as gone from us forever… then there are times when I feel his presence so clearly around me…but all I want to do is see him ,talk to him, give him a great big hug I still can’t believe I used to take all of those things for granted. I miss him so much…
Thinking of you all…Marina xxx
Hello Victoria and Maddie,
Yes like you both I miss Sam so much, it will be 3 years this December 9th. I miss him today like I missed him yesterday like I will miss him all of my life. I sat in the beautician’s earlier having my nails done to go away to Crete with my sister in law and brother in law (they lost Ben their son who was 30) the year before Sam, so we always go away together. As I sat there I said quietly in my head to Sam…what on earth am I going to do Sam…do you know a reply came back…“for God’s sake Mother stop dwelling and get on with life, I’ll see you in 20 years”. I know it was Sam because that is exactly how he would say it. Matter of fact straight to the point, so I know Sam will always be around me and then when I tell myself that I pull myself together and just about cope
with love
Helen
Dear Marina, Helen and all friends,
Helen I find your experience comforting. And like you, Marina, all I want to do is give Gemma a big hug. I don’t usually get anything from Gemma except last week I went to see my GP and pictures of foxes appeared on his screen. Gemma loved foxes so much and then when I went next door into the chemist, I was waiting for my prescription and the pharmacist called out Gemma’s address to somebody. I took that as a sign that she is still around somewhere. I hope so.
We took our grandson out for dinner on Monday and he asked if he could bring someone. He brought his new girlfriend to meet us and I was so thrilled that he has someone but also felt sad that he couldn’t introduce her to his mummy. But of course like all of us, I hid my sadness.
I am beginning to realise that I will always have this sadness and constantly try to hide it for the sake of others.
Much love xxx
I think it is so true when you say the sadness will always be there forever, and how can we expect it to be anything else…love never dies so our love for them will be with us all our lives and the sadness is the price we have to pay for that beautiful love…