There are no words.
I’m so sorry. I send love to all bereaved parents out there, trying to make sense of what has happened. We are not alone, even though grief feels like a very lonely place.
Susan J 
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Hello everyone! It’s probably been a year and a half since I posted anything. I’ve just spent quite some time scrolling through many many posts from others on our exclusive club, parents who have lost a child. Many names I recognise: matt’s mom, Sam’s mom,Lisa’s mom, Kate, of course Susan, Jim etc. I thought I’d give some news.
Some might remember I lost my son Joey to cancer in October 22. In the early days, weeks, months I thought I would never recover from his death. Life simply wasn’t worth living and I hid under my duvet for months in a darkened room. Seeing sunlight, blue skies and autumn leaves was an affront to life itself! I came very close to ending my life. The kindness and understanding of other grieving parents on this site was the only thing that helped a bit and got me through the worst.
8 months later, my elder son and I set up a foundation for testicular cancer awareness. Having1ball.ch That was two years ago. We have grown tremendously and it is what’s kept me sane. But not a single day goes by that I am not overwhelmed by my son’s death. For a split second after I wake the world seems to be spinning normally on its axis and then the realisation hits me that Joey’s gone and grief as intense as what I felt when I first lost him washes over me.
And yet I go on. I have no other choice. I have another son - no grandchildren, sadly, a husband with emphysema and pulmonary fibrosis, I’m the president of Switzerland ‘s only testicular cancer foundation with many events, plus I travel around Switzerland as a Cambridge oral examiner. I ski, hike the high Alps and ride my mountain bike. On the outside I seem fine. Yet all I’m doing is coping. Inside I’m not the person I was. I feel dead at times.
I didn’t think I needed this community anymore. I have an excellent shrink who I now « only » see once a month as opposed to weekly in the past; I’ve weaned myself off anti-depressants after two years on them although I still need a sleeping pill every night. I go to group therapy in Geneva each month. And yet I am NOT fine.
One of our association’s honorary members was Joey’s urologist. Today I asked him what my son’s reaction had been when the diagnosis fell. He should have sought out a doctor months and months sooner but didn’t. That is what our association is fighting for: encouraging young men to auto-examine on a monthly badly.
Anyway, the doc told me that when Joey was first told - he was alone - they said it was stage 3 and very very serious. My son came home to tell us only an hour later, but asked us to remain positive. He didn’t share how serious it was. He must have been shocked to the core yet he knew how devastating the truth would be for me so he hid it. To protect me, I’m now quite certain. For 16 months he fought the most horrendous treatment and pain but he tried to stay positive mostly. How terribly brave he was, how very very proud of him I am, but the crippling feeling of guilt is always there for me. I miss him every single day but it is the guilt of not having helped him more that threatens to obliterate me at times. I’m his mom! I should have been able to save him yet I couldn’t…
It will be three years in October. Yes, my life seems to have purpose again and I even find myself enjoying being out in nature etc. But I’m a different, sad person most of the time.
Joey was a movie maker, he worked in radio and he wrote very well. He wanted to write about his cancer journey, as he called it. I’ve started writing the book for him, also dealing with the aftermath of his death. I’m sure that my experience in that respect is quite similar to what all you other bereaved parents have experienced / are experiencing. The feeling of isolation, being invisible, having friends and neighbours slowly disappear as they seem to think what you have will rub off on them. The « there for the grace of God » fear. Fortunately there are some true friends lift but most people are afraid of grief, especially when it involves the death of a child.
Sorry for rambling on. I needed some support. I’ve read the posts of the « newly bereaved » - what an awful expression! - and I can tell you your pain will become more manageable but it won’t ever disappear. It can’t, as long as the love you have for your child remains. The stronger the love, the greater the grief. This is why my grief is actually not all bad. I WANT to feel the pain of Joey’s loss as it makes me feel close to him.
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Dear Annemarie, it is so lovely to hear from you and I have often thought of you and Joey. You articulate the reality of losing a precious child so well. One of the hardest things is that other people move on but we can’t … how can we when our hearts have been broken? I was so lucky to be Gemma’s mum and got to spend 42 years with her and that counts … I am also lucky to have a few close friends who are always there for me. Like you, I now live my life for my other children and grandchildren. We somehow have to find our way through the rest of our lives and live the best we can.
I feel as though I now live my life with an undercurrent of sadness but do have moments of joy. Sending you love and peace x
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Hi Anne-Marie i also have wondered over time how your doing …pretty amazing what your doing for Joey…you have put down how we all feel .we are all on this horrible journey…but this site has helped us all along the way , would not get by without it sending big hugs to all love zoe xx❤️
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Dear Victoria and Zoe! Thank you so much for replying. I feel I know you a bit because of our history of chats about our lost children.
My shrink has told me to work on forgiveness - both of myself and Joey. But I don’t know how. I’ve googled a great deal on the issue but I can’t seem to relate to any of it. I constantly live with the feeling of what I should have done, what if, what if. I’m at a loss to understand why my son didn’t go to a doctor. He was 40! He wasn’t stupid! Yet he must have been in denial. Round and round in a circle I go. Sure, I know all the reasoning and I know none of it’s my fault but being told that doesn’t help. Not a bit. Nor does wallowing in my sorrow, and yet I do exactly that. I am defined now by the fact I lost a child. Of course, I do a lot for Having a Ball and we are definitely doing good. I know Joey would be proud of me, but yet none of that really helps. I just want him back.
How are you others doing? Those whose stories I followed so closely in late 22, early 23. My thoughts are with you all!
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My daughter decided to end her life and left a very long letter explaining why she had made that decision so of course I am haunted by thoughts of of what could I have done to stop her? Why did I not know what was in her mind? I love her so much and as a family we have always been close. So I too find it hard to forgive myself.
I think perhaps we are not very good at self compassion. We are tortured by negative thoughts and I think the key is to turn those thoughts into positive ones, which is not always easy. I’m pretty sure that our children would tell us that there is nothing to forgive and that should give us some peace xxx
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Hi Annemarie and everyone, I know what you mean when you say you want to feel the grief of Joey’s loss, it keeps him closer. Thank you for sharing the marvellous work you are doing with the foundation. We are all somehow finding our ways through our lives.
This site was a great help to me in the early days. Love to all - SusanJ
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Your thoughts are mine as well. My elder son Kevin tells me all the time that Joey would not want me to blame myself, but as a mother I don’t feel I can do anything but find blame. I’m a very resilient person at heart and most of the time I hide behind a mask as well. People around me probably think that I’ve adapted extremely well over the past three years. No doubt I have for others, but for me, my life will never get back to what it was before. How can anyone recover from such loss? I try as well to turn negative thoughts into positive ones, to look at photos of when my boy was well, all the happy memories, but inevitably the black cloud descends again. I do feel so so sad for you, Victoria. The pain of losing a child by suicide must be devastating as well. Is there a hirarchy? The other day I read on the news that story about a doctor in Gaza. 9 out of her ten children were killed in a bomb attack. Her husband too. Her only surviving son was terribly injured. Unspeakable grief she must have - yet she continues to treat the injured children of Gaza. Then I think that yes, there are always sorrows worse than mine, and for a moment I am humbled. But then my own pain re-appears withg a vengeance.
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Sending you all love on here and for Sue for what is an incredibly painful time for your sons 33rd birthday. My Matt will be 28 in November, the pain I am in 9 weeks after his passing I am sure will be the same after 9 months, 9 years or 90 years. I already crying involuntarily about everything and I really do not know how we will get through Father’s Day this weekend as we always did something as a family of 4. I know people think it’s strange that our 33 year old and 27 year old sons enjoy being with us but maybe that’s because we were young when we had them. I cannot fathom how we will cope when we are getting to November. Why is this anyone’s reality. Just need to hold and be with both my sons. Am so lost and broken. I cannot seem to do the most basic things 
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Hollie was my eldest at home , my other 2 sons are at home, aged 31 and 27 , they cannot afford to live independently unfortunately. I love having them still here, my other daughter has her own home with her husband but is a 20 minutes drive away and we talk daily. Being so close to each other has been beneficial to us all but as they will all agree, Hollie was the one we all pivoted around, maybe due to her additional needs, maybe just because she was so incredibly wonderful! Love to all, it’s been a tough week with Hollie 1st Anniversary on Tuesday 10th. We got through it, I can’t really add any more to that xx
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Thanks to all who replied. Love to all
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Why are nights so long , my thoughts are racing around, my eyes are gritty from crying so much, the tears don’t even help, just compound how vile this whole journey (?) is. I’ve had enough right now, just had enough of all of the pretence, the masking . I’m done. I wish we were all not in this position. It’s just so empty
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Hollie 1988
You will find yourself again eventually. Theirs is no other pain akin to loosing a child. And in the first stages there are no answers or easy options. But one day you will see how far you have come
How much you have managed. You won’t ever get over it. But you will manage it better. That’s the only thing there is You manage the pain better. Wish I could tell you there’s a silver cloud. It totally breaks you in the beginning. It really does. You will have so many dark nights. But you will get through one way or another. One day the sun will shine again. I know you don’t think it ever will. But the dark heavy days will pass. You don’t get over it. You just manage it.
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Dear Jim
You just might have saved me from going over an edge ( mentally) . It was such a tough day yesterday, a bit of social interaction outside of work which I really really struggled to keep my mask in place, we stayed an hour before I felt so exhausted from smiling and being the old me ( which people seem to think I am) . You are absolutely right, I have come a long way and today I can see it, you are a very wise man. ,thank you so much xxxx
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Its so hard Hollie. Coming up to 6 years for us and the horror of those last minutes still haunt me in the night. The moment she took her last breath, i said 'shes gone ’ I knew it without a doubt. A nurse said there was still a heartbeat then the doctor saying ‘time of death 13.55’ It never goes away.
Then i remember the beautiful, funny, happy but most of all, courageous young woman she was. Somehow we manage to get through our lives without them.
Sending love dear friend.
Kate xxx
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Some parents on this site have said that they have seen a medium and what they heard comforted them.
I haven’t done that myself - and it is not everybody’s choice- but I thought I would mention it.
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Hi
Iv had similar, i wont go into it, your not over reacting, its called respect, for you and the person you lost, also receiving a text, card phone call, flowers ect any of these is such a comfort.
Take care
Nikki
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Hi
This happened to me, my daughter was 24, she lived in for her work, her friend was with her, couldn’t wake her…cant type the rest… she was my only child, i had the most awful day yesterday in two wks 1st July she would have been 27, im a different person now, it will be 3 years in November, its awful i gave up my job, its not always bad, try and find the strength to go forward, always here if you need a chat, xx
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Hi. My family profile was so similar. A 28 year old boy who died who was so close to his 31 year old brother. And all four of us were so close.
This happened to us about 10 months ago- the first few days and weeks were incredibly difficult but the sharp pain has mellowed to a dull ache and we can all get on with our lives and jobs although there are very sad moments. A friend of mine is (unbelievably) in almost an identical position but he is a year ahead of our loss and I can see how parents/siblings can adjust and adapt given time. That is some reassurance.
I am a coroner. I can’t comment on individual issues but if there is anything in the inquest process that puzzles you- let me know.
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Hello Dear friends old and new 
, Joey’s mom it is lovely to hear from you i was thinking about you recently and wondering how it was all going and then when i came on i saw your posts, you word everything so well and for some of us further along this horrendous journey you explain so well how the pain never leaves, although some people when they see us smiling with our brave face and act think we have moved on, but as we all know we never move on just a little further along the journey, its desperately sad to read the posts from some of our new members and i feel physical paint for you all , we are all here for you and you can say anything nothing is off bounds, i feel the friends i have made through my grief journey who have lost are truly the only people who truly know how we feel, i think a lot of our friends care deeply but sometimes i hold my feelings back as after 6 years i wonder if they tire of hearing about my precious Son Matt, he was 22 when he passed and 1st July he will be 29. We visit his resting place often and we still buy a Caterpillar Cake and sing Happy Birthday, some may think we are mad but we dont care, it helps me his dad and sisters to keep him in the now and celebrate all our precious memories and make sure he always remembered 
, sending you all my love and remember our children are always with us safely tucked in our heart pockets until we meet again, each day is another day closer xxxxxx
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