Hi all,
I was thinking about how losing our precious children has affected us and I realise that I now have less patience with people and situations. I think it must be how I protect myself.
There is only so much we can cope with.
I don’t think I have spoken of this before but my sister stopped speaking to me after Gemma’s service because she disagreed with how we arranged it. She was horrible to me on the day and has cut me out of her life. My younger daughter, Tiffany, has tried to defend her and even blamed me.
The old me would have been distraught but now I think ‘so what? If she can act like that then she doesn’t deserve to be in my life’.
I explained to Tiffany why we made the decisions we did and told her that was it. If she disagreed then too bad, we did what we thought was best.
Sometimes that is all we can do.
Much love xxx
I know exactly what you mean. We didnt fall out but my sister could not understand why the order of service for Lisa’s funeral was a Celebration of her life. She said why is it a celebration?
I said well she had a wonderful life and enjoyed everything in it apart from her time in hospital.
You really have to throw out those who are negative in your life. It’s their loss not ours. We have to much to deal with to worry about what our family or friends think about it.
We do what we di because it feels right for us and that’s all that matters.
With love.
Kate xx
Dear Kate and all,
You are right, Kate and as we know, life is too short.
Gemma’s son who is 22, could not face everyone seeing his mummy in her casket so our vicar suggested that we had the crematorium service in the morning just for very close family and then have a celebration of her life in the church that afternoon.
Although my sister came in the morning she was upset that cousins etc could not be there.
I am proud though of how we organised the day, Coren was able to cope with it and everyone said how moving and personal it was.
xxx
Hi all, this reply has nothing to do with our current conversation but in relation to real friends and those we can really hold close and be loved by.
After Lisa’s passing my dearest friends have been constantly caring for me but those I had considered close as we have known them since our children were little, seem to have disappeared off the radar. The ones who have been by my side, apart from two whom I have known for years, are people who are fairly newcomers in our lives.
They have been so kind and caring. We certainly know who our real friends are when we are faced with tragedy.
Other peoples lives go on and I am pretty sure most of them don’t give a second thought to what we might be suffering. We put on a brave face but my dearest friends know when to reach for my hand over a coffee in a cafe and hold it tight till the tears have stopped flowing down my cheeks.
These are the people I know I can call on day or night and not be turned away.
With love to all my friends on this site.
We are here for each other all the time.
Kate xx
Hi All, it is so true how many people we considered close friends have completely disappeared. Many sent their condolences through cards, texts and coming to my daughters funeral which at the time comforted me and I felt that they really cared. There was a couple of months space then I was invited to a birthday by one of a group of friends and I wasn’t ready to go into a pub and I haven’t been contacted again, not even a text to ask how I am. I didn’t mind as I didn’t think I could ever go back to being the person they would want me to be but they don’t seem to want to know me as I now am. We are different. Another group have supported me individually and collectively inviting me for coffee and giving me space and time, listening and understanding at times and offering support. Over the 4 years, this has helped to face going out socially. A couple of neighbours and long time friends have continued their support, contacting us at significant times. 6 friends(3 couples) have continued to meet us us socially at our houses. The whole picture is our life now, completely changed, but how could it ever be the same.
Lisa’s Mum, the first Christmas without Lisa is approaching. It was difficult to receive and read Christmas cards from people wanting to send Christmas wishes.( I didn’t send any or display any the first year, only family and that was difficult). My neighbour rang me and said she couldn’t find any that she could send me, the greetings she felt were inappropriate as we wouldn’t be having a Merry Christmas, how could we? I thanked her for her honesty and sincerity and said don’t worry as I wasn’t sending any myself.
I’ve lost relatives and known grief but this devastating loss has changed me forever. We are different people, in a different world and have different attitudes towards many things. Some of these changes can have benefits, we can fully understand the worst thing that could ever ever happen to anyone and know how to comfort them and honour and remember their loved one.
Love and hugs to all
Chris x
I understand you completely. I was so worried when Lisa’s condition flagged up when she was pregnant and we are truly grateful that she was able to be the wonderful Mum that she was to Brooke. The whole time since that awful day when she was 25 weeks pregnant and being told her condition was incurable and they had never seen anything like it before! I was in a terror zone almost all of the time since. Just waiting for something to happen. I would wake at 3 am every morning sweating with fear for her. I knew she would die young. Even though she looked amazing and got on with her life, I knew that she would suffer respiratory distress syndrome at some point. The fear is gripping and the worry but I didnt ever let her know how scared I was. Not even the day before she died. I looked at her and I knew that the medics were going to say its game over.
My true friends had text me every day for 9 weeks when she was in ICU. They are the ones supporting me now. We live and learn and Yes we are different people now. Our greatest fear has happened and we can be there for others and each other.
With love Kate xx
Hi kate
You are so right for the 4 years I had Sam I was gripped by fear the whole time but I fad to mask it for sam but the relentless pressure if that takes its toll. I am glad that I had sam all those years but like all of us I wish it could have been me that went, natural order I suppose. And yes now my tolerance level is below zero for people who moan, and like you all there are some people who are right by my side Sally Dee Jan Jean to name a few but someone I thought of Lyn who I helped through breast cancer cant face me so not even worth the paper shes written on
With live
Helen
To all…When Christian died it was me that shunned people…apart from my immediate family I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone not even on the phone,it was my loss and I could not share it with anyone for in sharing it I was admitting that he gone for good…apart from taking the dogs out to an isolated beach I never saw anyone but my Husband ,son and daughter -in-law…I started to realise in fairness to my family that I could not go on like this so gradually I started going out and meeting people…Thankfully everyone of my family and friends understood and were there for me to which I am so grateful for…I have to say that all of you on this forum helped me considerably during this time it was you with your understanding and your losses that helped me get through.
I think losing a Son or Daughter can’t help but change a person it is something you never envisage can happen and when it does part of your world has gone and life can never be the same again…
Love to all…Marina xxx
Dear friends,
My GP was amazing after we lost Gems. She rang me almost every day and I remember her saying ‘losing Gemma will have changed you and you will not be the same person so people will have to get used to the new you’. She was so right. Sometimes I feel like a shadow of myself. xxx
She is spot on. I am in a messenger conversation with a close friend who is just out of hospital after a hysterectomy. She was texting me as soon as she was able in hospital and has been constant support. I was just saying to her that the pain I feel is incomprehensible even to my husband and daughter as for me the cord has never truly been cut from my baby even after 31vears and now my body doesn’t know what to do!
With love to you all xx
Hi Helen, and all,
. Sarah di ring a few days later, and said I took everything the wrong way, we were on the phone an hour ,but I still feel I have come out the worse. She still thinks I put pressure on her, I don’t know why we only see her a few hours a week, and my husband could not understand that also. But she has told me she is still grieving for Dawn, but she does it in her own way and likes to left alone, she said she does understand it is worse for us, why thankyou for that of coarse it is . But like my husband as always said they have a different way of thinking. I suppose probably because when my mum was alive ,she was my best friend ,and we used to see her most daysBut like Sarah said life is different now , she has a family and starting a buisiness, so i am still wondering where we might fit in . Love to all Maddie x .
It’s hard in so many ways. I know our Jemma is suffering but she knows that it must be hell for her Dad and I.
It’s my husband who doesn’t seem to u understand my total devastation. He is grieving too but the other night I was overcome, doubled up gripping my sides with my arms wrapped round me like something had been torn from my body. It has of course. My body knows I gave birth twice and I feel it’s almost primal instinct that causes these physical feelings as it knows one is missing. Like an animal not understanding why one of its young is dead and not moving. Wandering around in circles distraught at the loss if its young. I think my husband thought I was losing the plot but I bet all of you will identify with these feelings.
With love to you.xxx
Yes kate,
I know exactly what you mean , we gave birth to our lovely daughters , and its not right that we are still here and they have gone . It seems men do grieve differently, John my husband excepted it almost immediately, but myself only just, as I have seen quite a few mediums, and she is not coming through. when she passed almost 3years ago , I felt we were getting a few signs.So I have excepted now that she is not coming back. I write to her every day, and tell her how much we miss her , and what we have done , hoping she will see it, that’s all I can ask. have just booked an over night stay on her anniversary December 11th, just to try and get through it , last year I spent it in hospital, with a gall bladder operation that went wrong Love Maddie xx
Bless you. It is something none of ever expected to go through. I knew it was a possibility but Lisa was so well and looked amazing. People who didnt know she had a long term lung condition were shocked to the core when she died. They just had no idea. It has happened and she is gone and all if us on this site will go on sharing our feelings without feeling stupid or paranoid or anything else those who have never experienced this may think.
We miss our children more than anyone can imagine. It’s so hard but we get on with it! Just as our Lisa would have said. We just have to get on with it.
With love.
Kate xxx
Hello Maddie and Kate
I can recognise everything you both are saying…from Sarah and the way she is, she should meet Geraint she sounds so similar to him. Selfish comes to mind with Geraint…to the terrible feeling of being ripped apart. No man will ever understand that because they dont give birth. That feeling never goes away. Lisa is right we have no choice but to carry on, those there are times I have thought please dont let me wake up.
With love
Helen
Dear Maddie, Kate and all,
I think men do grieve differently. I can identify with you all because when you give birth to a child you have such a strong bond and I feel as if I have had a limb pulled from my body.
I am thankful that I now have a good relationship with my other two children and we help each other. Losing a child changes the dynamics of a family completely and sometimes it takes a while for everyone to find their place and come back together. We also grieve in different ways and that can be so difficult.
Much love to you all xxx
Dear Helen Victoria, and all.
Helen you are so right, they do come over as selfish, but as Sarah keeps reminding me , I have a house and a family to run.Yes but when I was your age we had a 4 bedroom house , working full time and a part time job working with my husband . . But always found time for my mum. But John keeps telling me is a different world now, don’t exspect too much. But that is a mans point of view, like the grieving , I still find the tears flowing at the least tiny thing , where as I haven’t seen him cry, for such a long time . Don’t get me wrong , I know he misses her , and he always suggest we go and and visit her still 3 times a week , in the grave where we have put a few ashes with his mum .
Love to you Maddie xxx
Maddie Victoria Helen and everyone.
Been a bit low the last few days as I am finding it difficult with the new website. I am posting g but not seeing others conversations so cant join in.
Anyone else finding this site difficult.xx
Hi, @Wynne @Samsmum @maddie49 @Matella @VictoriaP @Chel66 @bir89c @Marina_m2 @Pollyanna66
I’m just checking in to see how you are all doing on this conversation? We’ve recently made some updates to the site and this conversation, which is normally active on a regular basis, seems to have gone a bit quiet. We’ve had some reports of people having problems logging in, so if this affects you, or you need any help with the new version of the site, please do get in touch with me at online.community@sueryder.org and I’ll do my best to get you back up and posting as soon as possible.
Dear Helen and all,
I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are all doing.
I have been quite down and tearful the last couple weeks but better this week. I think the finality of losing Gemma is hitting me.
I have also struggled to see any recent posts from any of you. The forum set up seems to have changed so I hope you are able to see this.
Much love to you all xxx