Hello Wynne, Julie and all of us here on a road we never ever wanted to travel,
Wynne you could have written those words for me to, I kiss his picture every day and I know deep in my heart that he can see me do that as Daniel and Antony can with both of you. Today I have a mountain of clearing and cleaning, because we had the grandchildren for the whole weekend and also went to see my brother in law and my niece run the 10K in memory of Ben my nephew who was 30 who died because he hit his head on a clubhouse wall whilst playing football, that was 2 years ago. They like us are in turmoil still. So it is a very long road. I still have Samās birthday to come as with all the other anniversaries. So as long as I keep very busy I can get through the day!
Dear Helen, Julie and friends,
Thank you for sharing this hard journey. I truly feel that you are the only ones who can fully understand how our worlds have been turned upside down with no relief from the on going anguish of just trying to get through another day. Yesterday I had my second counselling session - it was very traumatic and I went through half boxful of tissues but the counsellor was able to let me go down further into the grief which although so painful was also strangely cathartic. She has had other parents who have lost their children so I feel safe and she did say that although life would never be normal there would be a time maybe in many months or many years when another type of normal would develop. This gave me a ray of hope as this journey is so utterly exhausting both mentally and physically. Missing and wanting Daniel every second of the day at the moment is crippling. Sending love to you all. Wynne
Hi Wynne
Iām so glad youāve got counsellor your comfortable with and understanding, mine is different Iām the first parent sheās had, which even though she is really nice it just doesnāt seem help me, the crying does though. I start cbt therapy next week which hoping will help me more. I will still go see my counsellor on Friday, thereās limited time which find bit hard to understand I get 12 hourly weekly sessions. Iāve decided if I donāt feel any calmer after this weekās session I wonāt go anymore.
You do sound like youāve got the right counsellor though and I think thatās how should be especially who has dealt with bereaved parents.
5 months today for me, I have meeting at work this afternoon. I donāt think k Iām ready go back but then again I donāt think I ever will be. Going suggest I start back in July. Xx
It is 10 months since I lost my John , I like yourselves take each day as it comes don`t think about tomorrow just deal with the challenges of your loss today. I also open my eyes everyday with talking to my boy and close them every night with the same, like you my heart is broken and even though I believe I will see him again one day I cant stop asking why John? he was so perfect, loving and caring, funny , driven and had enormous respect for others and that is what i have to cherish and wherever he is his spirit will grow from strength to strength and the love we shared on earth be with him as it is with me and keeping us close for eternity.
I really started to write this response because you said you were thinking of going back to work , I have done and although it was difficult I believe it has helped me and I am glad I did this, keeping busy and dealing with work gave me moments of relief from crying and wishing my days away, I keep Johns photo with me on my desk and have a quick chat with him now and again more about work issues than anything, I know my colleagues found it difficult at first but I have overcome the challenges and I thought I would share that with you.
No-one can take the pain away from wishing we could have our children home but our children would want us to live our lives, eventually laugh again and remember them for all the goodness they brought to our lives.
Hello Elaine, Wynne, Julie, and Maddie
Like you Elaine I talk constantly to Sam, Iām absolutely devastated inside that heās gone but he would be horrified if I gave up as I would so love to doā¦I do try to take each day as it comes and I also let the tears flow as and when they need to. I cannot go back to the place I worked before as the day before Sam was rediagnosed, they told me my job was at risk. I was a Land Directorās secretary for a national house builder but I think the new Director who had come in wanted a full time secretary and they offered redundancy I took it with open arms they dealt with John and I never went back It left me free completely to look after Sam. We did everything together as right up until the day before he died he was talking walking and eating, slowly but he was Sam. Since he died I have tried to rebuild my life I go to Zumba twice a week to keep fit, go to see my very closest friends and also have my little 3 year old grandson and the day I have him itās so full on Iām so tired when he goes home! I have thought about doing temp work but John my husband has organised lots of long weekends away to keep me busy. I feel at ease in the house because I know Sam is in here all around me. We must try to take every day as it comes, and when I go away I take a picture of Sam in my handbag, I have myself and Sam together as a screen saver on my phone and I have my ashes to glass ring as well. I know this ache of losing Sam will always be inside me but all I can hope is that the good memories will make me smile with pride rather than my eyes start to fill up with tears and I do find I have no tolerance whatsoever for anybody just moaning and I seem to say it. If I did some temp work I couldnāt work a full week and thatās what they seem to want. I then keep thinking at 61 do I want to go back to work?
Today Iād my 70th birthday. I am sitting here opening all of my cards, but my heart is breaking, because the one card I really wish to get I know I will not.
I miss Chris so much, I know that he was planning to take me, his sister and girlfriend on a surprise holiday for my birthday. That was the kind of person he was, so kind, generous and loving.
at Christmas he gave me a spa day for two, and yesterday my daughter and I had a lovely day out. But for both of us it was a bitter sweet day.
my daughter is with me again today, we are not going to do much, but we may go out to a national trust place.
I always feel a l little better when I am out in nature, especially in spring.
I know I will many such days in the years ahead, as you all have had or will have.
Hello Polly
I hope you have as best a day as you possibly can, Chris would expect that, he seems to have been a lovely young man, when it was my birthday in April I put out the card that Sam gave me for my 60th birthday last year. This road is something I never thought I would be travellingā¦but here I am. I always try to think what would Sam think if Iām cryingā¦he wouldnāt want that, he would expect me to carry on and try to enjoy each day as best as I can. I am sure Chris would want that for you.
Happy birthday Polly, I am sure today will be very hard for you but as Helen says your son would have wanted you to enjoy your special day with your daughter. My birthday is in just over two weeks and I must admit I am dreading it as Daniel would always send a cheeky little card and make a cake. Today is the three month anniversary of when Daniel closed his eyes for the last time so we are all feeling very raw - not knowing how to keep going in this changed life. Yesterday a strange thing happened - sitting in the lounge in the afternoon with the patio doors open a little bluetit flew in, circled round and then flew out again. This has never happened before and I wonder if it was some kind of sign. Please enjoy your day. With love to all. Wynne
Hi polly ,happy birthday I know these are not the right words but try and enjoy your day the best you can,i was only telling my friend that I am dreading Dawns birthday in july, . Love Maddie x
Hello Wunne,
That was certainly a sign that Daniel is around you, definite signs are feathers where you wouldnāt normally see them, and birds and animals doing something they wouldnāt or looking at a spot where you or I can see nothing.
I am sure our loved ones are still around. I talk to Chris, and sometimes I think I imagine the answers. But sometimes the answers are so āChrisā that I know he has answered. And since he has died I have had two Robins constantly in my garden. They are so tame. Birds are definitely signs.
Dear Helen, Pollyanna and others, Another day has dawned and another day to get through. My energy level and motivation seem at rock bottom today so I am hoping that the little bluetit that visited the house this week was a sign from Daniel. I know he would have wanted us to make the most of life but it is very hard when you just want to curl up and block everything out. The doctor yesterday prescribed some ant histamine tablets to help with trying to get back to some normal pattern of sleeping. She only gave me 14 tablets saying they should be used sparingly over the next two months. Apparently our surgery no longer prescribes sleeping pills as they believe that they can become addictive. Hopefully tonight I may get more sleep. Does anyone else have a problem keeping asleep through the night? My mind seems to be wide awake in the early hours churning over and reliving the last six months. Sending love and strength. Wynne
Wynne
My sleep pattern is totally disturbed since Antony, I wake through night with thoughts of him not being here. Hope the tablets help you. Itās been 5 months for me, Iāve just come out of my 4th counselling session, start cbt therapy next week. Let us know how you get on with the tablets. Bluetit is sign from your Daniel xx
Dear Julie, Helen and others, I wonder how you are all doing. Yesterday for the first time I managed to go alone on the train up to London to meet a friend of Danielās. She had been very special to him and although I was anxious going up by myself It was good to be able to talk and share. She told me new things about Daniel and that felt he was still with us. These little nuggets of him feel so important and keep his memory alive. Regarding the sleeping I have still not taken the tablets prescribed so I am still waking up in the early hours of the morning but last night I did have a hot toddy which relaxed me and I only woke briefly. I will keep the pills by the bed so if I need them they are there. Wishing you all peace and strength. Love Wynne
Hi Wynne, I wondered how youāre counselling sessions were going and if you feel they help? I did try some last year but felt that I hit a stop after off loading a few things and didnāt get any further. At the moment, I still feel Iām in a different life. Well we are, arenāt we? It will never be how it was. I can do everyday tasks but mixed emotions constantly. One minute I can feel ok especially when others are around me, but one memory, song or a thought of why she canāt be here just sends me tumbling back to sadness. I help out with Grandchildren and they keep me going.
Hi all,
I tried my GPor councelling. There was a four month wait for cruise, and even longer for time to talk.
I have gone down the private route, as I am just eating all day which is having a negative effect on my health.
I have booked two different type of councillors. One Is a grief councillor, and one for my eating I issues I will try both to see which one help of.me the most.
I will let you know if they help
I donāt think anything can really help, maybe just time can dull the pain a bit. Or so Iām hoping. It has only been two months for me.
Love to you all
Polly
Hello All,
Like you Wynne, I keep in touch with Samās best friend Jason (heās struggling too, says it feel like his right arm has been cut off). My husbands business partner bought us 4 days away in Bordeaux for Johnās 60th birthday, we have just come back. I was very apprehensive about going thinking I was being very uncaring and was chatting away to Sam before I went. We arrived at the hotel, lovely spotless clean room and in the middle of the floor was a really shiny small dime with a 1 marked on it. The hotel had internet access so I looked it up as I had heard they do leave you feathers or coins. They leave you shiny coins because as humans we value money and the reason itās very shiny is so that you will notice it. āMarked with a 1 also represents unity and oneness. When you see the number 1 or find a penny, it can be a loving reminder that you are one with your loved ones and guidesā¦ You are connected, protected, and all is well.ā I printed it here from what I looked up on the internet. It made my weekend and it made me smile to know that Sam was with me, and that he had confirmed it to me.
Dear Helen and all, lovely to hear about your trip to France and the feelings you had of having Sam close to you. I have been trying to look for signs from Daniel but am never sure whether it is my imagination or coincidence but I truly hope if there is a afterlife he will be doing his utmost to come through to us. The pain of missing him and his future remain as intense as ever. It feels though that some of our friends are moving on and I do so much want them to never forget Daniel. I love it when they talk about him and share their experiences of him. I have another counselling session this afternoon so I hope that helps. Sending you all love. Wynne
Hi All
I so hope for signs, think so much I miss little ones. The thought of never seeing Antony again is too much. I donāt know what I believe in. I have seen medium and he did tell me something only my son and daughter knew. I started counselling not sure that itās helping to be honest. I go see therapist on Thursday for CBT. Heard good things about this, anything got be worth a try.
Struggle everyday, with my thoughts, emotions. 5 months feels like eternity and also only like yesterday. I returning to work July not sure if it will be the right move, but feel if I leave it longer it will be harder to return.
Take care everyone xx