Hello All,
Victoria yes the pain will be raw and if you are like me the days and weeks leading up to the actual date are terrible. When Sam was diagnosed with another tumour in a place they couldn’t operate I left work that day and never returned. Some 20 months after he had passed they asked if I could go back which I did on a contract still part time but when that contract was coming to an end this December I knew that I didn’t want to renew it, and now I am retired officially. I have found myself doing more babysitting…but on the whole I am glad I don’t go to work anymore. I do aquafit twice a week and the babysitting and shopping meeting friends etc I wonder how I fitted work in!! As I said before I talk out loud to Sam, sometimes like today I don’t sleep very well and end up getting up at about 4am, but like you Kate the complete meltdowns are less often yet they can happen so unexpectedly. I am absolutely certain Kate that Lisa was listening as I am sure they are still around us, Victoria try talking out loud to Gemma I am sure she will hear you…only people who have never suffered the loss of someone so very close a part of you think there is a time limit to grief, we must all of us take all the time we need and it is so true all of us on here understand how each other is feeling.
Love to you all
Helen
Dear Helen, Kate and all,
Such amazing support from you all. Gemma’s eldest son, Coren, wants us to spend the day together which is lovely so I need to keep going for him, put my smile on and encourage him. Gemma was v poorly after his birth with post natal depression so I helped bring him up and completely adore him!
We will build good lives for ourselves.
Helen, that is so helpful hearing of your decision about work. I have done retire and return so if I decide to go I only have to give a few weeks notice. I don’t have to work financially but the structure has helped me.
Lisa you are doing so well after such a short while. We should be proud of ourselves!
Much love xxx
Dear friends. I am self employed running a b n b in the Highlands. We also have two holiday let’s so this keeps me busy and I dont have to go to a work place and face colleagues on a day to day basis. Doing the cleaning and laundry is full on but keeps my mind occupied. I am also on the board of our community centre which is run as a business so I am involved with the payroll and accounts.
My life is very full but when I am alone the tears fall. Not always but having so much to think about has helped me so much.
I started taking guests again in September, just 8 weeks after Lisa passed away but it was good for me and the guests didnt know anything so it was fine.
Life goes on and we deal with our grief in our own way, all of us are in the same boat though.
Love to you all dear friends. Hope you have a peaceful Sunday.
Kate xx
Hello Victoria,
I had to retire due to injuring my back, I grieved for my job, I loved it. This was a completely different type of grief to what I am experiencing now, my husband passed away last August, it was a sudden death. In my experience I would not encourage anyone to retire, I was so lonely, our daughter had married, our son had got himself a job a long way away, Stan was a college lecturer and before that a Chartered Accountant, he worked long hours and in my mind I used to divide up the days into quarters, they seemed much longer than they do now. I was only 47 years old, far too young to be housebound, yet there were people younger than me who were in the same boat.
I am so sorry that you lost Gemma, two years is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Take good care of yourself,
Blessings,
MaryLx
Keeping physically fit and mind occupied is the only way I can get on. Also we cant rely on our pensions so working for myself has a double impact.
Love to you.
Kate xx
Thank you Mary,
It has been such a hard 2 years and you are right. It is hardly any time really in the scheme of things. I miss her every day.
I will keep on working for now as it provides structure to my week and helps in keeping me busy.
I hope you are coping okay now as it must be so hard to lose your husband. We lost Gemma very suddenly too and I think we are still suffering from the trauma which must also be affecting you.
Much love xxx
Thank you for your reply, Victoria. It must have been a hard 2 years, I am coping, thank you, I do miss my husband, we started walking out:blush: when I was 17. I was 80 years old exactly one week before my husband died.
Take good care of yourself and don’t work too hard,
Love
Mary x
Hi Maddie , Marina, Helen, Chel, Purple, Caitlins Mum, sarah and all friends here.
How are you all?, I have posted a few times in response to individuals but not to you all.
I am wondering whether you have all experienced the ’ oh how are you doing? I have been meaning to phone but I will be on touch, very soon’ thing??? We know when they say it that this is a non starter! I tell you, losing a child really sorts out who are your true friends. Your cement that holds your house up, the foundations which will be there forever.
I have been truly humbled by the utter unconditional kindness and support we have had during Lisa’s hospital time and since her passing. However, not all from close longtime friends. Others have emerged to stand by our side through all this and we have gained wonderful friendships through our suffering. Very strange but very real.
Kate lots of love to you all.xxx
Dear Kate,
That is so true. I have been amazed and humbled by how loving and and understanding some people have been and often people I least expected. A few have become very distant. One friend clearly found it so difficult that I have never heard from her again.
But we can take comfort from those who do stand shoulder to shoulder with us, bless them.
I hope you are okay. Much love xxx
It is wonderful to have so much love surrounding us and sharing our pain.
Yes, doing ok now. Very busy painting and buying new bedding etc for the new season.
Lots n lots to do. Keeps me mentally and physically absorbed.
Love and hugs.
Kate xx
Hello All,
Yes like you all I have experienced the same distancing themselves because they cannot cope?!! I have friends that I have known for over 30 years 5 to be exact and all but 1 have stayed right by my side and talk about Sam all the time. Yet Lynn who again I have known since Sam was 3 and we all went to playschool with the children. I stayed right by her side throughout her breast cancer I saw her everyday and took her to every hospital appointment because the chap she was seeing (we were all divorced by this time) couldn’t cope!!! Yet my other friends, Sally, Dee, Janice,Jean and Sue have been there totally for me.
We are all going to Seville for 5 days with our respective husbands in June, and I would never be standing now if I didn’t have my second husband John who Sam always went to (not his real dad) he helped me every day with Sam, helped him fill in forms went to our local MP about Sam’s PIP payment the list is endless what that man has done for Sam, yet his father…words fail me!!
Love to you all
Helen
Yes we really find out who our true friends are.
Funny I was just getting ready to walk the dogs and you came into my head Helen. Then I plugged my phone in to charge and there you had posted.
With love to all.
Kate xx
Dear Helen,
Losing Gemma has made me realise who my true friends are and like you all but one of my friends have stood by me.
It was Gemma’s anniversary on Saturday and my grandsons (Coren) friends birthday on the same day. James decide to have a drinks party for his birthday and to remember Gems. We went with Coren and my other daughter and it really did raise my spirits to see Coren’s friends rallying round him as he remembered his mum.
Much love xxx
Victoria,
That’s so lovely, yes I do consider myself lucky to have the friends I do, it’s sad about Lynn because I found it strange and hurtful my friend Jean also knows her and can be very direct in how she says thing and told her straight that she was disgusted at how she had acted and all she was considering was herself! Never mind I wouldn’t bother with her now anyway. I am just thankful for what I have with my husband, and my friends. I am glad you managed to get through Gemma’s anniversary…each year rolls on and for me it never seems to ease. Sam’s anniversary is on the 9th December and we go away to Cornwall with my friend Jan and her husband Brian for a week to a farmhouse.
with love
Helen
Hello, all my dear friends on the site, Its lovely that we all keep in touch.We do have quite a few friends, but I must say their reaction is not what I exspect from them, when I mention Dawns name they don’t seem to understand what we are going through, they always change the subject. We had friends round on Saturday evening, and my friend was moaning that her daughter lived 40miles away, and I just blurted out ,well at least you have her. I dont think she new what to say, anyway we still had a nice evening. John and I have been going to a new bereavement group at a nursery , ,and I must say we really enjoy it , just to be with some one that actually understand , how we are feeling, we do have a laugh ,and John likes the cakes there. Victoria, so pleased you managed to get through Gemmas anniverysary. I know how hard it must have been. Maddie x
Hi everyone, we all have the most understanding relationship on this site , be it an unusual one. Everyone posts with the knowledge that people will listen and be sympathetic to our feelings whatever we are feeling at the time. We don’t want pity, just understanding and tolerance, and to listen so that we don’t feel we are going crazy. We can get things off our chests as we continue on this horrendous loss.
I also have some supportive friends ( and some couples who have been there for us both) . But like you all, a few have never been in contact for 4 years. They knew my daughter and I went on nights out and quite a few breaks and they never now contact me. Unlike most other friends who are retired,the girls all work full time and lead busy lives, but I used to think that they could message.
At the moment, I feel that I am coping better or perhaps I’ve perfected the art of pretending. At times, I still think about the whys? what ifs? and the if only. I feel that I haven’t fully accepted loss and I’m still angry. Then I think of all the people I have in my life that mean so much.
One of the most difficult aspects we have to deal with is my son in law finding a new partner. It’s what I wanted for him and my grandchild and we had a very close relationship. But he became very secretive and it has affected our trust. I understand how difficult it must have been for him, grief (as we all know) makes you do some weird things. I can forgive him and forget as this helps me to move on from it but there isn’t an excuse to treat us like that.
Keep posting everyone.
Love C
I can understand that. Maybe he just felt guilty about finding a new partner. I know Jamie says he has lost his best friend, the mother of their child and the person he loved more than he can explain. He is the most wonderful young man and I can see it will be a long time before he is ready to move on.
That said, I can see that he may find someone in years to come but just now he wants to look after their little girl the best he can.
It’s so nice being able to talk to each other here. I dont know how I would have coped without you all.
Brooke said yesterday that she missed her Mummy so much and wanted her to come back. Bless the wee soul, my heart breaks when I have to speak honestly to her, as we all do. I said that Mummy can’t come back because the doctors couldn’t make her better and that her heart stopped beating and she couldn’t breath anymore and so we had to let her die and be at peace. Needless to say I was saying all this with tears pouring down my face but the little one just said, dont be sad Granny, please dont cry. What a little star. Strong like her Mummy.
With love to all.
Kate xx
Hell Maddie, Bir and Kate
Like you all the why’s and the if’s, they are such a dangerous route to take. I try so desperately but don’t always succeed not to ask myself those questions. Just lately I have fallen asleep and for a second I think it’s a bad dream and I have woken up…when will that pass? Maddie, that person you had dinner with has no idea of what you are going through…but all of us on here understand the pain.
with love
Helen
Hello Helen, and all
I am surprised, my friend is like that , as her Grandaughter had Leukemira a few years ago , luckily got over it , we all felt for her and couldn’t help her enough. But I find people do not want you talking about death , I think it depresses them. Like Sarah said , if we keep talking about it , we will not have any friends left. Well I am not going to let people forget her, so I will carry on bringing up her name …weather I have any friends left or not. So thank God for this site ,and the Bereavment group. I know what you mean Helen about the dreams, I have just started to dream about Dawn ,after all this time, and its really upsetting, when you realise they are not here, but at least we get to see them in our dreams, although hard to remember much next day . Take care Maddie xx
Good for you. We talk about Lisa all the time.
Did write about her recently but I am not sure who saw it. Its the way I feel and it sums Lisa up as she was
How long will this pain last
I grieve every hour for her past
For the baby,child, young woman she was
A mother a lover, a sister, our daughter
To feel her skin and look into her eyes
One more minute to have her in our lives
To hold her close just one more time
I would give my life for that.
We are here to live without her
To nurture our grandchild to be like her
So strong she was in every way, so happy with her lot every day
No complaints from her about her health
She just lived in the minute, it was just her way
We are all left to carry on, we miss her so much, sometimes we feel we cant go on
But Lisa was a fighter from day one.
She left us all with clear instructions, we are working through them one by one.xx