Thank you for your kind words its 2yrs and i still ache missing our time it still ferls unbelievable she is gone.
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Hello Chel,
It is such a hard road to walk, we have no choice but to keep going. It’s been just over 31/2 years for me yet it feels like yesterday. Our son’s and daughters are locked inside of us now.
We are all here for you just post when you can.
With love
Helen (Sam’s mum)
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Dear Chel and all,
I am so sorry that we all have to be on this site. I too feel guilt about Gemma. I knew of course that she struggled with anxiety but she kept so much hidden from us and as my husband says, we never saw her without a smile on her face. But behind the scenes there was so much going on that she had kept from us.
But I do believe that when we suffer such a devastating loss, things happen to help us. I have seen that in my situation and I think that all of us finding each other through the darkness and horror was meant to be. You have all become so dear to me and that would make Gemma happy xxx
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Thankyou Victoria, i feel the same ,you have all been my lifeline . And i know Dawn would be happy as well, that have found such contentment that i have not had to struggle buy myself xxx
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Dear all,
I read this today which sums up completely how I feel and has really made me think because I feel now as though I am only living half a life, a shadow of the vibrant person I used to be. I thought I would share it with you.
‘Maybe you’re not healing because you are trying to be the person you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore because there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.’
I am going to make an effort to try and shake of the sadness, though not sure how?
Hope you are all having a good week.
Much love to you all xxx
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Victoria, I also saw a similar quote. I know I am very strong. People say they are amazed at how I have come through. It seems to be on my blood. My mother was in the blitz with my older sister. They survived but she was also pregnant again midway through the war. That baby was lost at 6 months. She then had me several years later.
Lisa had that strength handed down. This was also how my father in law survived. He was an incredibly brave man.
Lisa also had that grit in her blood.
I know I am not so far on as most of the dear friends here but I think I can be of help on that I feel very positive now and, although I hold the sadness within, I can see and feel happiness again. Lisa would be the same. She taught us all how to handle this. She was such a warrior ( my ancestors were Nordic) , my strength is now coming from Lisa. She is inside my head saying, have fun Mum, laugh and enjoy your life, I did Mum , i was happy every single day.
That’s the way i intend to live the years i have ahead of me.
With love,
Kate xxx
Dear Kate,
You are very inspiring. I do try but am struggling at times. I too used to be a very strong person and have weathered many storms in my life.
I come from a family with very strong connections to the armed services. My father was in the navy, his boat was torpedoed during the war, my grandfather was in a Japanese POW camp and my great grandmother brought up 4 little boys on her own after my great grandfather was killed in the First World War, so maybe I should think of them and how they coped.
I am determined now to embrace all the blessings I do have in my life.
Much love to you xxx
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Dear Victoria, well that’s the way I look at things now. As I said, Lisa was a warrior, she fought her illness bravely and with no complaints. Nobody would have known she had any health issues at all.
My father in law was a POW too, very strong and brave man.
My Dad had severe asthma so he was not called up but worked building air strips and missed huts all over the country. When my mum and sister ended up in london the first night of the blitz, they were on the way to my Dad in St. David’s in Wales where he was working. He thought they were both dead as he knew that London had suffered horrendous bombing.
I think now, if they could all face what they did, then so can I.
With love, Kate xxx
Dear Kate, you are being amazing and I am sure Lisa would be so proud of you.
I think my issue is that Gemma took her own life. She kept her depression well hidden most of the and as my husband says, we never saw her without a smile in her face and we saw her a couple of times a week. But I now know that she put a brave face on how she was really feeling and that’s makes me so sad. I also have a tremendous amount of guilt, I keep thinking that I was her mum and should have known. She said in her letter that she didn’t want us to worry about her. 
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That must be terrible Victoria, not knowing what she was feeling inside, I can’t imagine but it is not your fault, there is little you could have done even if you had known. Depression is so complex and unpredictable.
I also feel guilt that I didnt voice my fears to her as she was always compliant with the medics. I was horrified that they put her on immune suppressant as I felt she was exposed to everything. She was so well before that. She could shrug off things no bother even with her scarred lungs. I said to her I was not happy about it but she was 30 at the time and a grown woman. I feel I should have pushed her.
Like you feeling you should have known.
Neither of us will ever know whether we would have done any good though.
Take care, with love Kate xxx
Hello all dear friends , i am now getting worried about my younger daughter, she has been o anxiety tablets for the last eight months , and i dont know why/, she has turned into a realy private person .out going she is so caring and people think she is lovely . i feel a million miles away from her , an cant talk to her about Dawn , she did tell my sister in law that it is her way of coping since Dawn passed she cannot Talk about her , but she isnt very nice to me , and she said i do feel guilty… She has everything she good ask for, a beautiful home , we think a loving husband , three healthy children ,she did start her own buisness this year , but had to go into lockdown ,we know its not that . She doesnt talk to me anymore , and tell you the truth i feel a hinderence … I feel so lonely some days ,i just feel i have now lost two daughters. But i dont know what to do , Dawn used to say Sarah was my favorite , but that was never true , and i told that to Dawn, lots of times , we loved and treated them the same . Why do we have so many bad days now , i just feel its such a struggle. With love Maddie xx
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Sometimes it’s so hard with our children. Jemma our eldest was always so critical of me , she has her own adult art school and has worked very hard to get where she is. I know that she would be upset after she had said something to upset me but it seems to be the teacher in her.
I love her deeply but Lisa was so easygoing and happy, whereas Jemma has always been tense and a worrier.
However, she was amazing when Lisa took I’ll and dropped everything and was at Lisa’s bedside in less than an hour when she had been taken by ambulance as it’s not too far from Edinburgh to Perth. Throughout the ordeal she was amazing with all of us, especially Lisa. The whole thing had changed us all and Jemma is just lovely now, we are closer than we have been for a long time.
I really don’t know how you can move forward with Sarah.
I can’t really understand why she would want to shut you out when she has lost her sister. The grief she must be feeling will be eating away at her if she can’t talk about Dawn. Maybe her husband can give you some insight. One thing I will say I think she needs some real help to deal with this. Counselling rather than medication.
Gosh, I really feel for you Maddie.
I hope you can get some answers and build some bridges.
With lots of hugs. Kate xx
When Dawn was ill Sahah was amazing , she used to go into hospital and fix her hair, and when she passes she was great. but she only told me yesterday that she is a bit of a loner., i dont know why we used to do so much with the girls when they were small had fantastic holidays, always out with them ,but she seems to want to stay close to home now ,dont get me wrong she had lovely holidays booked this year. I get on better with Aime , my grandaughter ,who is 19yearrs old, we always ,talk about Dawn when we get together. I dont think i could approach Matt ,her Husband, as he has already told me that Sarah is not the same person he married. I think he blames me , i dont know why . That is why i miss Dawn so much ,she was my rock ,and i miss talking to her so much. I am so very pleased Kate ,that you are close to Jemma. Thats how it should be .Maddie xx
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Dear Maddie and Kate, it can be so tricky with our children. My three were always close but Tiffany, my youngest, has always needed a lot of help and hand holding even as an adult, whereas Gemma and Louie are both more independent. Tiffany as much as I love her, can be infuriating! But since we lost Gems, Tiffany and I have become much closer. She is still very demanding but is more loving towards me and we do have a lovely relationship now.
We struggled in the early days because of the situation with my sister but I was very firm and told her that I would not talk about it and she has accepted that.
Maddie, I can’t understand why Sarah is being unkind to you and I hope things get better. I have decided to try and be more positive and enjoy life more as I realised that I had become stuck in my sadness and grief.
Take care xxx
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Always here. Always will be since I joined you all.xxxxcc
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Hello Victoria, Kate and Maddie,
Just been reading your posts, and I can identify with them all, Victoria you say in your last post about Tiffany, I know where you are coming from. Geraint I can honestly say since my acrimonious divorce back in 1996 has been difficult not all the time, because of his temper (like his dad) he was absolutely spoilt as a child he could play football really well and I think my husband tried to live his life through him, it was always Geraint need this or that…do this or that and I complied because Philip could be so nasty. Sam on the other hand was so much like me and tended to gravitate towards me. Geraint still thinks he can dictate to me but firtunately I hve John. He is still saying he doesn’t want my friend Dee coming to the house and I have to tell her that. I did offer to give him her telephone numer for him to tell her himself but he just said she’s your friend…and the stalemate continues I wont hurt Dee and so he wont let me have the children, so he is having an extension done both of them are working from home Stan is home all day every day and the twins are home as well on a Wednesday. So something will give but not me I have had enough of being dictated to. Sorry to go on. So when I lost Sam, I not only lost my younger son but I lost my friend, when Geraint had said or done something he would always say…you know what he’s like mum, leave him he’ll come round. So I know Sam can see what’s happening. I got really upset with it all about 4:30 this morning and Marmadule (the cat Sam gave me as a kitten before he died) came in and started butting my head, I know that was Sam trying to tell me not to worry and since then I’ve p[icked up the soap in the shape of shells had all been rearranged again on the bathroom window cill as well. Maddie & Kate you know my telephone number Victoria I have sent it to you as a private message so we can all meet up
With love
Helen
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You are right not to let Geraint or anyone for that matter dictate to you. You have made a stand and he will have to eventually capitulate if he wants Granny to babysit.
Good we can all let off steam to each other.
Poor little Brooke this morning was so happy and giggly but as we were driving back from the park she had her head down and I thought she was sad about something. Anyway when we got back she was still walking with her head down and burst into tears. Jemma picked her up and cuddled her then she said she wanted me. So I hugged her and kissed her curly head and I said, what was making her sad. She then just said that she missed her Mummy so much, her little face wet with tears. I just rocked her in my arms and said it was ok to say that and I missed her too so very much. The little soul just clung on to me till she settled down. Bless her heart.
Love to you all.
Kate, xxxx
Dear Helen, Kate and all,
Good for you Helen. It is so hard to stand up to your children but as Kate says, it is the right thing to do. I am sure he will come round and maybe you could have the children at other times? I’m sure that Sam is still there for you.
Kate, I feel so much for you and little Brooke bless her heart but thank goodness she has you and Jemma in her life, to love her and comfort her. Charlie also gets upset at times missing his mummy but like you, I tell him that it is okay to feel sad and cry sometimes.
Tiffany’s mother in law is South African and a lovely lady, we get on very well but she told Ethan, my grandson, ‘boys don’t cry’. I soon put her right!
Much love to you xxxemphasized text
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Oh gosh! What a thing to say to the wee soul. Yes, like you I feel our grandchildren need to let their feelings out. It’s not a good thing to hold it all in. Charlie needs to let it all out like we do, even after the meltdowns we have, we feel better afterwards. I don’t think it’s healthy to hold it in, especially for our wee ones.
Love to you all.
Kate xxxx
Good morning dear friends. Well this morning I woke at 7 and immediately went to get me phone and went to my saved music. It felt urgent. I played Stings ‘Fragile’ the song we played at the start of Lisa’s funeral. By the day it would have been yesterday last year but the date will be tomorrow.
I sat in my bed with tears flowing thinking about Lisa. It was a sign to me that she was near. Alan has gone fishing an hour or so ago so I am alone. It felt like she had been watching me sleep.
Feeling calm now and looking forward to Brooke coming today.
We wait for signs but they come when we are not looking.
With love to you all.
Kate xxxx
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