My wife and partner of 40y died unexpectedly 1 month ago now funeral in over and I am lost beyond what words can say I just cry all of the time
Im so sorry for your loss @Steve123
Youâve done the right thing by coming on this site.
There are many of us here all in the same boat. All trying to make sense of this awful situation we find ourselves in
We do all understand and we are here to listen to and support each other. Believe me it does help.
You can post anytime, thereâs always someone here to listen always someone awake.
Sending you a big hug
Liz x x
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Welcome Steve, to the club that nobody wants to join, but are very glad they did.
Itâs a grim situation that we are all in. And we all hate weekends.
So sorry to hear about your wife.
I lost my husband suddenly 9 weeks ago. This site has been a great support. Hope you find the same.
Xx
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So sorry for your loss Steve. Iâm 14 weeks in tomorrow after I lost my beloved partner so suddenly in April.
Iâm so grateful I found this site as at least I know itâs not just me not coping very well. Our lives have been turned upside down and all our hopes, dreams and plans gone in an instant.
Please keep posting- everyone understands and no one judges. Itâs been a lifeline to me.
Sending love and strength xx
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Thanks for your advice, I think this may be exactly what I need right now I need people that really understand what has happened.
My friends, colleagues and even my children who are totally devastated, donât really understand my massive loss.
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Hi Steve.
The more you read on here the more you realise, you are not alone, at times that may not seem much of a help but what ever you are going through at a particular time, somebody here has experienced the same thing just discussing it can help take the edge off. i think I am right in this but to me the majority here have lost husbands, I also lost my wife 17 weeks ago to sudden cardiac arrest with no history or symptoms what so ever. Donât try to stifle the emotions, learn to ignore the friends and relatives who will sympathise and/or give you advice, particularly how you should âdealâ with it, âhow you will get over itâ âhow you will healâ âhow they know what you are going throughâ âhow they can only imagineâ and one of the worst" I know how you feel because I lost my goldfish last week" there are many many crass statements! they may be trying to help and understand but unless they have lost a partner themselves they have no idea what you are going through.
For what its worth, there are certain things often quoted by professionals or people who just repeat things such as there are stages you go through, not really, its just one big horrifying situation that we have to deal with, for me, grief is an extension and continuation of the love you have for your wife, you wonât get âover itâ, you wonât be âhealedâ love cannot be got over, it cannot be healed because there is nothing to heal, its not a wound or infection! and why would you want to? the problem is the pain that runs alongside your grief, again from my viewpoint, as much as you donât believe it at the moment, the pain you will deal with imperceptibly over time by learning to cope, as you learn to cope, the pain fills less space in your head, it will be filed but it can always open and come and bite. Finally, again my take on it, you donât move âonâ that implies (to me) that by moving on you are leaving it behind, I look on it as moving forward, taking what has happened with you, coping with it, finding comfort and hopefully being relatively calm and settled at some unknown point, sad certainly, loving certainly but not desperate and savaged by your emotions. there is no time line, just acceptance at some point, everybody is different some may measure things in months, many it will be years, maybe some it continues to be relentless, for me, there is no end just acceptance at some point.
Once again, I have rabbited on but I sincerely hope it may be of some help.
Take care, look after yourself, keep reading and posting.
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So sorry for your loss. Wise words from @swift. Everyone knows how you feel, which may or may not be a comfort right now, but youâre not alone.
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Your words are so right.
Youve put into words what Iâve been thinking.
Thankyou
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Hi Steve, Iâm so sorry for your loss.
My wife passed away unexpectedly 12 weeks ago, we had been together for 29 years. I can only say is that you will find the strength to live your grief, I still often breakdown whether it is from a song on the radio or a memory. Donât be afraid to use the support of others and this forum has been a great help. It is said that those who grief deeply have experienced deep love.
Stuart
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Thanks for the advice from Swift, I do connect with your words. In particular that love can not be got over I would never want to. I will always love her think about her and miss her.
I also lost my wife at 56 also sudden cardiac arrest no previous history of heart issues. Additionally I do think all the advice people give is not thought out very well particularly the so called stages of grief. I know I am only 5 weeks in to my journey but I only see 1 stage sadness and ongoing despair.
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Thanks to the advice from StuartC.
We were together 39years not nearly enough however there is nothing I can do to change that now
I also breakdown at least 5 times a day but do like the words those who grieve deeply experienced deep love.
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I believe the so called âstages of griefâ were originally used for people who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, which makes sense.
In my experience all these stages seem to appear in one day and sadly keep returning day after day, week after week.
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Youre very early days @Steve123 you know bit it is totally devasting i agree. I was married for 35 years and you cant get over it quickly. Im 19 months into this now and it gets easier but still so many challenges too 
take care xx
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Thanks for the info.
I look forward to been more in control than I am at the moment. I guess it may happen in time but for now life is just i nightmare I wish I would not wake up each morning, I guess itâs the same for evryone until time passes
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Yeh ⌠i has bereavment counselling. Really helped 
sue ryder do it online if you think it might help ! It did me xx
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Good advice I think I will do that it can not harm thanks
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No it cant harm it helped me for sure ⌠xxx
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So sorry to here this steve
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Missing you 
How right your words are swift,I have read lots on the site but your words hit the button in me ,my wife of 35 years battled the cancer with me alongside the whole time .I find it difficult as you say,all the lots of friends have dropped off now â they think they have done their bitâ he will get over it ,oh no he wonât ,how can you ,I did say to one I had to leave the shopping trolley half full in tescos ,because I suddenly , felt like no reason ,started to cry, people looked at this man crying, I had to walk out not a soul said can I help or anything just the look of them as I tried to avoid any contact .I felt stupid ,lonely ,just wanted my wife.
And canât even express now this bloody awful life that has started,canât even ask her,.I know she is somewhere near as odd
Weired things happen to me or around me
I donât cause them so it must be her,
I have tried,to analyse these things and the best I can do is she is there in my heart and the grief energy must release her at that time ,I know worry if it keeps happening to me will her energy be lost out of my heart ,I am so lost ,so screwed up,.so I just donât know,.I donât want a club a churc a walk in the park all I want is her back with me again ,that canât happen ever again ,I forever talk to her ,get angry with her for being gone ,say to her Iâm sorry for being angry I donât mean to be ,tell her I love her still as always have done .then I realise I am Shirley valentine
Talking to the wall,please death come to me bring your scythe and chop me up that will be a relief compared to this ,I wish I didnât have to be in this â clubâ but Iâm glad there is this club,why does this death figure only appear on New Yearâs Eve? Donât tell me I have to wait until then again,my wife died six weeks ago ,feels like yesterday ,I wonât last until then that is sure but does six weeks still feel like it in six years? Thanks all you people here
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Hi @Pegg , I have read your post several times and my heart goes out to you, my post you have responded to is now over 5 months old, that is a good thing because I can respond having now done a total of 8.5 months longer of this journey than you and I hope my comments will shine a little light for you.
First, everything you are experiencing is normal, I know everybody says this but it is true, an example is your experience in Tescoâs, I actually had a small corner away from everybody else that I could go and hide in if I needed to, the inevitable drop off of friends and relatives, I am now down to 2 or 3 who stick by me.
Like you I analyse every little thing, you spend your whole time trying to find a means of understanding, trying to connect , looking for signs your wife is still here - somewhere, I am a bit of a loner, always have been but like everybody I desperately miss my wife, even thoâ a loner she was always there, I go through these points to assure you that the grief you are experiencing is perfectly normal, all of us on here may express it in different ways.
As I look back I realise that during the early weeks and months, the most savage and desperate period is not the time try and understand or even cope, I donât think you are in a position to do more than just survive, in other words just (if you can) eat, sleep, tick the minutes, hours and days off, grieve, watch the telly, let the emotions free but donât try to âget a gripâ donât make plans, you could regret it later, donât feel you should be doing things because someone else has told you that that is what you should be doing, (Iâm only saying what I did!) there is a line in a pagan prayer that I read often, it says âhelp me to trust my instincts instead of questioning themâ this period of your mourning is the worst experience you will endure at least it has been for me, the closest to this experience was losing my son 20 years ago but my wife and I went through it together, this time you are basically on your own, so yes I think the loss of your partner is the toughest.
I am sure you have read about the way grief is supposed to be, out of all of these, time is the one that has a bearing, not âtime will healâ but time does allow you to learn to cope, the grief and sadness does not go away but almost imperceptibly you do learn to cope, certainly every now and then it will all come crashing back but you will know you can get through it whereas before you would think that you cannot survive. this is the chink of light.
I will have to stop now as this post will go on and on, I hope I donât come across as trying to tell you how things will go, they are just how I have experienced them but surprisingly it will be common with a lot of people on here!
I am more than happy to discuss further, I find it heart breaking to read posts from people who are just starting down this road because I know just how hard it is and nobody should face this alone.
Take care.
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