I’m live in Mum’s house and when I’m downstairs i’m surrounded by her stuff. Even upstairs has a stuff in wardrobes/chest of drawers. It’s a house full of bits and bobs and yet today I purchased a cushion, which I thought Mum would have loved if she’d been here. I know it’s illogical. When I walked out of the shop i asked myself ‘why am I doing this’? It’s almost torturing myself. I must stop buying stuff, which i think Mum would have loved. I’ve done it three times now, since she passed in October.
I kept Mum bus pass, as I don’t think they need it back.
Grief has aged me. I don’t really recognize myself. I cry when i’m out and about. I’ve never been a big crier until the loss of my Mum.
I think it’s lovely that you’re buying stuff you both would have liked I think it keeps that connection fresh. It’s a really nice thing that you’re doing. She will be watching and there when you’re buying it and there when you take it home. She will be as proud as punch that you’re doing that for her and you x
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Cheryl, Yes the plan is still to scatter them near our holiday home. I can think of no better place to do it so I have no doubts about that being her final resting place.
It is clear that there is no right or wrong way to do this and some people think it’s better to scatter while others like to hold on to them, it’s a personal thing. I’m trying to make up my mind which camp I’m in. I was pretty certain back in September/October that next April I would scatter them but now it feels like that day is fast approaching and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. Also, I have a brother and a sister to think about.
The main thing I’m pondering right now as whether I should delay the scattering or partially scatter, say half. I’m not planning for jewellery of anything like that but maybe I want to keep some for myself and I think my sister might want some. I know they are not the person anymore and it’s just my psychology at work here, after all, we bury people whole and that’s that, but I’m wondering if this is a normal thing to not scatter all of them at one place and time?
Any thoughts? I can’t believe ashes are playing on my mind so much, it’s ridiculous. Sorry if I’m sounding too morbid.
Sam1975, that’s a lovely thing to say. She really would have loved the bits I’d got her. Your probably right - it does keep a connection. Thank you for your kind words. x
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Shaun. We scattered most of mums ashes at the Isle of Wight her favourite place. Then me dad and brother have all got a scatter tube. I like her here with me. She would want to be with us all. And we all live in different places.
That may sound illogical to some people but to me it makes perfect sense. Nothing wrong with buying a cushion for those reasons. Must not forget that you are your mum, well half of you is anyway and she lives on in you. I said just the other day to someone that my mum dies the day I die, in other words, she lives on in me. Your mum shaped you to who you are so it’s not really surprising that you now think similar thoughts that you mum would be thinking. I think it’s just natural. x
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Yeah, that sounds lovely Jooles. That’s the sort of like my reasoning, mum can be in her favourite place and also with me at the same time. I know she would not just want to be in one place but both. I hadn’t really thought about it in detail till now. Seems to feel right.
Beautiful words Shaun. Thank you.
It felt right to have a piece of her with us all. But for her to also be free in the sea at the Isle of Wight. As she said it was the only place she felt peaceful. Free from anxiety and worry.
I know daffy. Im the same.
I only sent mums bus pass back because it upsets me sitting in her drawer never to be used again.
I’m someone who likes to get rid of things in the hope that the memories won’t be so painful, although there are things of mums I will never get rid of.
Shaun,
Personally I didn’t like the idea of splitting mum up.
It just didnt feel right but its is such a personal thing that I think you will need to do what is right for you.
I hated mums ashes being here in her bedroom and yet I cried my eyes out when I got home and they were no longer here!
When j got used to it though I was happy they were scattered and mum had once said that she would want to be back with her mum so thats what I did.
Sam
I feel your pain. I also lived at home and everywhere I go in the house I see mums things. Don’t get me wrong, I want to see them but it just makes me so, so sad that she is not here to enjoy them. She left us on 1st January and there are things in the fridge and cupboards, I just cannot bear to throw out or use, these are mums, I know she will never use them but they are still mums. Everytime I think of mum I choke up and even writing this reply I have tears in my eyes. I just do not know how we are expected to get past such a loss. I am asking myself, will I ever feel happy again.
I hope so one day. Maybe we all will x
I get all of what you are saying. I remember the month after mum died and wondering how I could be happy again. I think it is possible now somehow and I hope with time you’ll see the sun again. The fridge was a tricky one. Luckily there wasn’t too much in there but it did seem wrong to remove it all because it was her stuff. I remember we used the stuff from her freezer and for some time after I would sit down to eat whatever it was, and think, mum bought this. Thanks mum for this i would think knowing that she would not be buying any more food. So strange.
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Yeah it is so strange Shaun. When I sit and think that I will never see, hear and be able to speak to my mum the reality of it all sinks in. I can still hear her shouting my name from downstairs, shouting “Barrie cup of tea” or something like “Barrie, I cannot get the lights to come on” I remember thinking oh mum, do you have to shout so loud I am only upstairs. What I would do now to be able to hear her shout upstairs again. It is so hard when you know it is not possible but all I want is mum back.
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Sam
Thinking of you at your dads funeral today.
Cheryl x
Barrie
I walk in the house and can imagine my mum shouting hello from the kitchen or see her waving to me from her settee. Its been 7 months and I dont think it will ever change all the whole I remain in this house.
Cheryl
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Thanks Cheryl just waiting to go now x
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Thinking of you Sam.
Thinking of you today Sam. x