Barrie my dad was diagnosed with COPD 7 years ago but passed away with lung cancer vin the space of 4 months !!! Not that money means anything but we got a pay out cos he worked with asbestos!! The cancer he had also was asbestos related and I am going to see a solicitor when I get my act together!!! The hospital also admitted to negligence as I say not about money but probably something to keep my mind off it xx
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So sorry to hear this !!! How long does this pain last?? Xx
Yeah, talking definitely helps. I’ve always told people this and in the early days I accepted offers to go out for a walk along the beach or in the countryside. It helped for me to go through in detail what had happened, upsetting yes, but I just had to talk about it with people who were happy to listen and had also been through it themselves. Anyway, who doesn’t like talking about their loved ones?
Hmmm, not suffering anymore, no, they are dead. Am I supposed to feel better about that? No, there is no comfort in hearing that. Yes you must get out of bed tomorrow and tell us about your day. This thread has become a daily chat about all sorts of things. It’s wonderful. If you are feeling rotten, we want to hear about it, if you’ve done something you enjoyed, we want to hear about it. x
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I’ll try my hardest!!! If only I could sleep !?!? The plan is to get up have a bath and go pick up his ashes !!! Even if I just get out for an hour or two!! Xx
My problem is I’m shutting everyone out !! Cos no one really knows what to say !! Xx
Hi Ilene
Like Shaun, I found friends prodding me for walks or just popping by helpful. Sometimes acquaintances who have been through this would coach me. It takes a huge support team and the willingness to let others help you paddle your boat so to speak.
Other people go to the cemetary and sit or go to their religious place for comfort. I do not get comfort in any of that and so it does not help me. For me, reflection, talking, and researching medical information, near death experiences, and anything i can get my hands on is helpful. I also went to a medium in a big group a few times. For me, that was harder because i had a hard time believing it was real which made it worse. Some people get alot out of it. I met people at those big groups who were more helpful than the medium because who is going - a bunch of people in our situation - so its kind of a strange sort of bereavement support group.
Ell
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That’s a hard question. Everyone is different I would say. If you try and rush yourself to get to a place of peace and acceptance then I think it will just make things take longer. It’s almost like a long process you have to go through, these emotions are painful and raw right now but necessary and shouldn’t be avoided. It’s normal to feel like absolute shite and that there is no future. Of course there is a future but it’s not something I can convince you of, you will convince yourself of that. It’s been over 6 months for me now and I can work pretty much ok now, I can even enjoy myself at the weekend. Am I over it, absolutely not, like this week I’ve had a funny few days. I found myself looking at photos on my computer from 10 years ago. These were not my photos but memory card backups I took from mum’s camera at the time. A lot of the photos I hadn’t seen before and I found myself reminiscing about the good old days and thinking, little did you and I know, that you’d be gone in 10 years after this or that photo. It was heart wrenching and didn’t do me any good but at the same time I was compelled to keep looking.
The pain will lessen for sure but there will be days when it comes back with a vengeance. I keep seeing mum everywhere I go and by that I mean in my mind. The pavement, she walked along, the sofa she sat on, the plant she planted, my car she sat in next to me, and on it goes. I still say things to her too, except I get no reply now, I can hear her reply in my head. Mad.
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I thought about going to a medium do you think it helped xx
You have a plan. That’s a start! Don’t shut people out though. Find a good listener and even better if they have already been through this themselves. They don’t need to say much.
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That’s not mad at all and that made me cry!!! I’m still texting my dad every day! I miss him so so much xx
I think that a vouched for medium can be helpful. It did not help me. I did not get a reading and it just made me sadder for the people in the room. I think it was too soon as I went nearly right away at too fragile of a state of mind. I was having dreams and all sorts of things were happening and I needed some answers that i did not ultimately get.
I feel like I abandoned my father because I was helpless to help him and I had just been with him 2 days earlier. I was worried about him for no specific reason in the day or two leading up to it, and I never really could define why.
Ell
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Not me I shut people out ! Its just my make up! Xx
Personally, mediums were not for me. I’ve always said that my church is the big outdoors and nature. This reminds me of what life is really about. I got a lot of comfort and dare I say pain, from that. Did me good though to reconnect with the world again after feeling so out of it, like looking through a window to the outside where people were smiling and getting on with their lives and I was stuck inside this prison.
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Sorry to hear that ! We probably all have a sixth sense!!! Maybe to early for me then xx hope your getting better xx
So i gather you still struggle to sleep ? Xx
Oh, mobile phones, that’s another thing. Another way I punish myself is by reading back through messages like from this time last year. Oh how I so love to be able to chat over whatsapp again. I expect you may have done similar? I’ve kept my mum’s number and put the sim in another phone for my daughter, somehow feels right and I know mum would have liked that. I’ve also archived all my messages so I can punish myself in years to come!
I can’t say I struggle to sleep but sometimes I just stay up late or I get into bed and end up going through messages, photos, reading this forum etc. Then it gets really late and then I’m just knackered. I find late at night when the house is quiet it can be a strange time. In the early days, I hated this time of the day as it felt so lonely. I’ve no idea how I managed to sleep in the early days, probably just down to be exhausted.
I used to frequently say Nite Nite to mum over whatsapp after having a chat about something mundane or arranging something for tomorrow. Now I can’t do that, I miss that so much. The simple things are the painful things. Things I took for granted.
While we are on the subject of sleep, I hated waking up to start with as it was like remembering all over again. I’d wake and briefly feel normal and the world was ok but then after a few seconds, it would be a massive drop in my mood as I remembered that she was never coming back. Ever get that? I don’t get it now thankfully.
Ive text my dad every day which I always did and still do since he died !!! I listen to voicemails from him constantly!! He sent me a beautiful text 2 days before he passed and I’ll never ever forget it! Telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t have coped without me… I have no regrets I spoke at his funeral I wrote his whole tribute but I fucking want him back!!! Xx
Taking a trip to the mountains helps. Fresh air. Walking. Creating something. These things help me the most.
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Btw you are so correct I wake up if I do sleep ?? Which I haven’t for 3 weeks maybe an odd hour here and there !!! I say back constantly in my head what I said at his funeral!!! In the morning you kinda forget then reality sets in!!! I have a horrible pain in my stomach and I can’t get rid of a headache and blisters on my throat and tongue!! It’s bloody agony !!! I think I may go to doctor tomorrow?? You think?? Xx