Dear Yorkshire Lad
I have a good imagination and based on how much I miss my husband and the fact that he is not coming back , I anticipate that my future will not be half as happy as my past
I don’t feel old . I am 59 .
My husband wasn’t old at 60
I am fearful of sadness and yearning for someone and something I can’t have and will never have again …a relationship built on trust and shared experiences over a very long time
I don’t think I was designed to live alone and I crave the connection I had with my husband . No one else will do
So that is why I am fearful of the future …it feels like a poor substitute for the past given that my quota of daily happiness has been significantly reduced in the absence of my husband
I wish I felt differently but I don’t
Without my husband life is not the happy adventure it was and never will be again
He was one of a kind and I miss him more every day
Dear Cassie
It’s very hard going isn’t it ?
I lost Mark last summer
I have worked all the way through
I have gone out and done stuff with friends and family
But it feels hollow
There’s no getting away from it that I miss him every minute of the day and it’s not getting better …the feelings …if anything I think it’s getting worse . A constant feeling of anxiety like I’m too tense to even breathe properly
I need to get a handle on this but I’m going through a bad phase at the moment . I feel like shock of losing my husband is stored in my body as well as my mind and I just can’t relax knowing that he’s gone …for ever .
I will get through it somehow but this grief journey is physically ,mentally and emotionally exhausting . It manifests itself in so many different ways but the one constant is this gaping hole in my life where my husband used to be
I am sorry I am no use to anyone because of what I am saying
We are all on our own personal grief journeys but I still haven’t found a way to be more at peace with myself and what happened
I might get there one day but it’s the fear that I will get stuck feeling like this for the rest of my life which is truly terrifying
Sending love to everyone
Romy xxxxx
Hi Romy
Thanks for your reply. I can see you’ve given that some thought, and it had a similar effect on me. I can identify with all that you have said and I suppose it’s just whether it’s fear or apprehension. What’s in a word. I certainly am apprehensive but can’t bring myself to use the word fear. I’ve just thought that through after reading your post a couple of times.
As you have family with you it may be some time before you live alone and the impact may be more gradual, it’s hard to calculate the impact of such things. I feel much more alone if I sit and think about it.
I noticed you mentioned imagination straight away and it’s pretty fundamental isn’t it, especially if it’s unfettered.
I wish I knew how to turn off yearning, or even just to adjust the power a little. In some ways I almost hope that my memories fade a little and that my yearning lessens. I keep thinking of new things to add to that particular list of lost items. If only I had realised how happy I was at various points in life… and how unhappy it was possible to be.
Dear Romy - I don’t think it will be like this forever - we will learn to live a different life. But now we must allow the tension, the hurt, the loss etc to be released. This is why health issues arise - the body helping to released stored tensions . Since Jack died I have not been very well. For someone that is health now there is always something wrong. At the moment I have this terrible back ache .
One day things will get better but they will never be the same
Lots of love
Sadie xx
hi Romy itead your post im to fearful of the future ive never liked to be on my own even for a few hours if Darrell (when he was well) was out the thought of never having that feeling of bliss and complete comfort and safty scares me. but not one could ever fill that void he was my Darrell my perfect husband x love tou you all jo xx
Dear Romy, you have summed it up perfectly. Thank you for that. You have a good way with words. Often, even though I know what I need/ want to say, it’s a struggle to put into words. We can’t know what the future holds of course so I can’t say I’m fearful of it. I think, as Sheila says, it’s the unknown which we perhaps fear. Your post is perfect and I can reiterate all you have said right down to life with my husband being a ‘happy adventure’. I love that. Thank you Romy. Sending love xx
Dear Romy, I couldnt have put it better myself. Like you, I know Phil was a one off and there is nobody out there could come anywhere near the person he was. We were made for each other in a once in a lifetime match.
Thats why I also fear for the future, knowing that the idylic life we had will never be again.
I fear the life I will have to live now because it will be an existence I dont want and never asked for.
So I go through the motions of carrying on with this existence every day because I dont know what else to do,
Dear Yorkshire Lad
It’s complicated isn’t it … this grieving process ?
My mission today is to get or give more hugs . We need hugs to survive or at least I do anyway and I am sure the reduction in physical contact through the loss of my husband is adding to the stress I am feeling
One of his hugs is what I really need but as I can’t have that I will ask for hugs from other people I am close to
I will probably end up crying but maybe that’s what I need to do today
Who knows …it’s worth trying
Sending a big virtual hug to you
Thank you for always taking the time to read my rambling emotional posts
It’s much appreciated
Onwards and upwards
Romy xxxxx
Dear Crazy Kate
I do go on a bit but I think it helps me get to the next stage of grieving each time I ramble on on this forum
Thank you all for putting up with me and responding
It really does help
Love Romy xxxxx
Yes, YorkshireLad, if only I’d realised just how happy my happy was too as well as realising how unhappy it’s possible to be. If only… Perfect words of yours
Romy, your feelings are very much the same as mine although you are 12 years younger. Each day I’m alone is harder than the previous one. Although it’s now 7 months since I lost Iain, we had 53 years together, 50 years married, and he was such a vital part of my life and my happiness that I cannot live in happiness or even in resignation without him. I go to sleep crying. I wake up crying with such a terrible sense of loss. I don’t want to go anywhere because I want him there, just holding my hand. If I think I can feel that hand so vividly. We did everything together and now I can do nothing apart. I am just existing with no hopes for the future and no desire for a future on my own. Nothing seems to help. How I long for a hug and kiss from Iain and his presence beside me, going forward into a future that is no longer there. A virtual hug for you x
I’m sorry to do that to you . I have a tendency to speak from the heart
I hope I haven’t made your day even more difficult
That was never my intention
Please accept my apologies if I have
Love Romy xxxxx
Thanks. Like you said, it’s complicated.
I think I needed to hear what you said, and how you said it. I needed to look deep into myself and put the pretence to one side. As they say, I can run but I can’t hide.
I’ve a day on my own today and I need to hone all my survival skills and remind myself why.
It’s just so clear how you speak from the heart and I find it very touching, and so meaningful.
You have nothing to apologise for. Just the opposite in fact. You’ve helped me face my day.
Only a couple of years ago, I remember sitting in the sun on our garden seat, surrounded by birds and flowers and asking Iain “Are you happy just now?”. He said yes and we sat together in perfect contentment. I am so glad I have that memory yet so sad that it will never be again that I rarely sit there now and, if I do, it makes me cry so much it’s like a physical pain. Apprehension, sadness and anxiety seem to be my constant companions.
Hi To my, I applaud your reply to Yorkshire lad as it seems to have helped him to be more open about feelings. I have often thought his posts were offhand and somewhat patronising to those who were frank about their emotions. The fear we all talk about is how to go on without the person we loved so much. The future feel so empty, and I agree that despite all my activities they just feel hollow -doing things just for the sake of doing something. In a way it makes our friends and families feel better and it is easier for them to cope with us. xx