Peter is going to think you look gorgeous! Keep having the facials
Sadie x
hi Deb same here i dread bedtime trying to get to sleep and everything going round and round my head . x we always used to say love you to the moon and back so every night i look fir the brightest star i sleep with the blinds open have since Darrell passed away and every night there is one star in the exact same place every night so i always tell him i love him after ive kissed his urn and give him a hug what i woulsnt do for one more hug and kiss xxx hope you have a peaceful night x thinking of you love jo xxx
Jack was also stoic about it , he never complained! Twice I said to him it doesn’t look good and he agreed and I did ask him if he was afraid he said yes but like your husband he didn’t want to talk more about it.
It is a hurt that doesn’t go away! I am doing all the right things - work family friends etc etc but he empty house , the lack of Jack’s voice etc is so hard
Anyway …
Xx
In a way I am happy We weren’t the only people that didn’t talk about the end! You are right we were all trying to be kind and I know Hack wanted to protect me
Sadie
Hi Chris
We were just the same. My Husband was in heart failure for two years and we avoided THAT discussion . We both knew that his life was limited and that there was nothing else could be done for him, and never knew at what point there would be a downturn or even instant death, heart attack or stroke… I wish we had talked but like you we just carried on as if everything was going to be ok . He was a very jolly positive person and did a good job of not letting the family see him when he was off it.
On his last day when we were on holiday he was complaining of his legs aching and I wanted him to go to the doctors on the ship and he got very irrate and angry, I didn’t want to upset him going on and he said he wasn’t going because it had gone off after a half hour rest. We took his blood pressure mid afternoon and it was ok , and took it twice after that before dinner and at bed time and it was ok Then in the early hours of the morning he got pulmonary oedema and it put strain on his weak heart and he couldn’t cope and died that evening. Looking back maybe I should have been more persistent but He was really steamed up and I didn’t want him getting more stressed and angry and bringing on an attack of some sort. He said he would visit the doctor if it happened again so I backed off. Who. Knows hindsight is wondferful.
I still feel numb after 18 months but in my heart of hearts I knew for the two years before he died that it would be me on my own,
Take care cut yourself some slack, day at a time
Hugs Jx
Yes, Sandra, that’s the thought that keeps me going
XXChris
It’s heartbreaking Maryjane but it seemed the only thing to do at the time. Those last days in the hospice remain a mystery to me; how could I have been so ‘normal’, ? I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m glad I’m not the only one here struggling with trying to make sense of this,
XChris
Thanks June, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone with these awful regrets.
We did our best, didn’t we?
X Chris
Yes Chris we did and that’s all we could have done. Night night Jx
I haven’t joined in this discussion because there’s nothing I can contribute really
My husband got out of bed , went to the bathroom to pick up his clothes from the floor where he always left them , collapsed with a sudden cardiac arrest and that was it . He died three days later in intensive care having never regained consciousness.
He was 60 and in his prime .
So no conversations for us about illness or death . No goodbyes . Nothing . His life …and mine …over in a flash .
He never liked talking about death or dying . People say to me that it is a good way to go . Well the person who goes like that has no say in the matter and the people left behind are in massive shock
It’s just sad for all of us ,all in different ways . All of us ending up grief stricken .
Thinking of everyone
Love Romy xxxxx
hi Romy so sorry xx take care sending love jo xxx
It is a comfort to know that others experienced the same and now have regrets. It’s something that has caused me a lot of sadness feeling I let Iain down by not talking about the end but maybe it’s “normal” to be like that, whatever normal is. I’ve spent the last 8 months wondering if life will ever be anything like normal again and knowing that it cannot be.
This is outr new normal Maryjane.
I am struggling to get on with it - I am trying hard to be well but is not working - I am having aches and pains, on the days I have nothing organised in the morning I could very happily to wear my nightie all day. I have had enough I’d been alone and this is just the beginning !! When like this I try to think what Jack would do because I feel he is much better equipped to be in this situation than I am!!
I used to think life was great! I used to feel like a puppy because I would get quite excited by small things - now I try to be excited by the bigger things and I actually fake it so my kids don’t get too worried
Anyway - forwards and upwards
Sadie xx
I sympathise with you Sadie because I’ve a lot of health issues and before he died, when our GP called every week to see Iain, Iain would ask him to help me get better and he kept telling my I must get myself “sorted out”. I’m still very unsorted and the GP is no use whatsoever. I would stay in bed if it weren’t for getting up to feed the cat who is now my best friend.
hi maryjane no it cant evet be normal for us our normal was our husbands at our side… we own out home out right but ive had to go to the council offices today to sort out the council tax been ip all night worrying about it… what happens if i get upset… what if there are a lot of people in there and i have panick attack got down the the man was lovely sorted it all out for me i got so upset he kept saying i am so sorry i have to ask these questions would you like a break its done now i took a sock of my Darrells with me for comfort and so he would help me get through it so i was holding it on the desk the whole time the man must of thought id lost the plot xxx i apologised for getting in a state and he said im so sorry for your loss i cant imagine how you are feelling but lean on the people who want you to lean on them and forget the people who dont xx i thought what a clever way of saying some people care some people dont give a stuff xx having a atring coffee at home with Darrell now love jo xxx
hi thank you for the info i didnt need to take death certificate thank goodness they would of had to pick me up off the floor … i do mich of everything else on line just that they had sent me a bill from the moment Darrell passed away certain dont have any compassion do they xx the man was really nice though xxx take care jo xx
hi shelia thats how i feel as though hes just being wiped away everything that comes through the post with Darrell name on i cut the name off and ive saved them all in an envelope i cant throw them away . i had to go to the job centre 1 week before Darrells funeral for a interview with them for universal credit because child tax credits were on both names they had stopped them and left me with £20 child benefit a week and carers allowance that i was entitled to for 8 weeks after death but ive had to ring them wvery week because they hadnt put it in the bank … i went in hysterical they took me to one side apologised for dragging me down there my daughter came with me and she said this is disgusting she has had to drag herself out of the house to come here look at the state shes in she cant be left alone … ive got to go again on monday at 1 to tell them why im not fit to look for work seeing as since 2000 ive been Darrells full time carer and im now on medication for depression stress and ptsd… before that i worked as a special needs teaching assistant in a primary school but i dont want to do that again i havent got the patience anymore. take care love jo x
hi shelia thats how i feel as though hes just being wiped away everything that comes through the post with Darrell name on i cut the name off and ive saved them all in an envelope i cant throw them away . i had to go to the job centre 1 week before Darrells funeral for a interview with them for universal credit because child tax credits were on both names they had stopped them and left me with £20 child benefit a week and carers allowance that i was entitled to for 8 weeks after death but ive had to ring them wvery week because they hadnt put it in the bank … i went in hysterical they took me to one side apologised for dragging me down there my daughter came with me and she said this is disgusting she has had to drag herself out of the house to come here look at the state shes in she cant be left alone … ive got to go again on monday at 1 to tell them why im not fit to look for work seeing as since 2000 ive been Darrells full time carer and im now on medication for depression stress and ptsd… before that i worked as a special needs teaching assistant in a primary school but i dont want to do that again i havent got the patience anymore. take care love jo x
hi shelia thank you for the comment on our photo it was our wedding photo darrell wasnt keen on having his photo taken so i was luck we got that one xxx the whole system is a joke and they have no compassion what so wver when i rang about child tax they said you are classed as being married would you like us to put that as single now i went hysterical on the phine and said no i am married i will always be martied to my Darrell this was 4 days after he passed away i couldnt believe it xxx is everything ok with you now hope that is not an interferring question xxx love jo xxx
Me too Sheila I sorted my council tax online. In fact I do everything online.
The only time I had to go to a government office was to pick up the death certificate.
At the time I was still in shock and it was all so sureal.
I pay everything by direct debit. I did have to go i to the bank once shortly after Phil died.
I received a cheque a refund from the car tax. I went to deposit it and they said we cant take this cheque its in your husbands name.
I had a meltdown was sobbing I didnt think to look.
They took me into a room and explained.
I still feel pain when I think about that. Think it hit home that his name wasnt on our account anymore.
Love Sandra xx