It’s just relentless and so debilitating. I recognise myself in all you say. I keep looking for answers but I can’t find them. We’ve just got to keep looking. There’s always hope until there’s no hope. It gives a whole new meaning to hitting the wall.
I’ve got to keep trying, the alternative is too bad to contemplate.
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You are amazing Yorkshirelad. I would put money on your pals thinking how great you are doing. And you are. Us here know how hard it is. Keep going - we’re in this together.
You have a good imagination. It’s all very wrong but, good regardless 
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Dear Cristal
I think we are all doing really well under the circumstances in terms of still functioning but fundamentally we have all changed .
We are all scrambling about looking for something that doesn’t exist any more
Our peace of mind , joie de vivre , call it what you may …our very essence …has been changed . Well at least it feels that what to me anyway . Except I don’t think that’s really true because all it would take for someone to say there’s been a mistake , you can have your husband back , just as he was , all in one piece , fun , loving and dynamic and I know that the old me would instantly come back alive too
So I know I’m in there somewhere
I know I have the capacity for happiness and joy
I’ve got so accustomed to finding it one way …with my husband …that I don’t know how to find it any other way
There is more than one type of happiness
There must be
I don’t want to let go of the life I had planned in my head with my husband both growing old and being happy together but sometimes I think our only chances of being happy again are going to come if we give ourselves a good talking to and a kick up the bum and if we make a real effort to let go of our past and embrace our future and be grateful that we still have life
Our loved ones aren’t so lucky
Trouble is I don’t know if I can do what I think I should
Give myself a kick up the bum and be grateful …
I think the thing is we just don’t expect death . We don’t discuss it much and we certainly never discuss grief until it happens to us
I don’t think we as humans are very prepared for life at all really come to think of it ! It all comes as a bit of a shock and you only learn by doing which is the same for any skill I suppose really but with employment skills nobody would expect you to know how to fix a car for example without learning some mechanics and then watching someone else fix something and then by supervised while you try and fix it yourself in case you make a mistake and then become a fully fledged mechanic and hopefully pass your knowledge and skills on to someone else
But no …in sickness and death and bereavement and grief we all get chucked in the deep end , floundering around like we’ve just had to jump in the sea because our boat is sinking . We have life jackets to stop us from drowning but are freezing cold , getting more tired by the minute and waiting for someone to come and rescue us , and there’s loads of us to be rescued all from the same boat and all in the same boat
I know I’m getting a bit carried away with my analogies
And I don’t have the answer
I wish I did
Maybe it’s just a slow process adjusting to life outside our comfort zone . Asking others for help to make a different life for ourselves . Exploring other ways of experiencing happiness
My heart feels broken and I am getting used to dealing with that feeling and trying to mend it a bit and make it feel a bit better by becoming a bit more spiritual I think
But it is my mind that is the most difficult thing to deal with . It is stubborn . It will not let go of what it wants and it wants my husband . It wants him now . It demands to have him back this instant and it is relentless and it is wearing me out
So having tackled my heart and soothed it a bit I think I now need to turn attention to my mind and tell it to pipe down a bit because the way it is behaving is not helpful . Demanding something it can’t have is not helpful in one bit . I think I will have to deal with it like you would a two year old having a tantrum because he or she can’t have the toy they want
Anyway that’s today’s task
Find ways to deal with my infantile brain
Sending much love and hugs
Sorry for the ramble
Romy xxxxx
Thanks
I was amazing. She told me often.
I’m just a shell of that person now.
I’m going to keep trying. She also told me I was trying.
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That’s just so good Romy. I wish I had your way with words. I think I’ve got something in my eye, both of them in fact.
I’m so glad you are back and back with an explosion.
I’m just going to read it again when I stop blinking.
XX
Dear Romy,
Thank you for your reply. It was a great read and so reflects how I feel too. I agree, we are not prepared for the impact of death and maybe that’s a good thing as living with the anticipation of it would suck the life out of you. Like you I too need to learn to be happy and carefree without my husband and I am finding that a semblance of anticipation and interest comes when I have planned to do something that we would never have done together. I think that’s because it makes me believe I will have joy back with me again sometime in the future.
I think most people around me would think “awwww she’s back to herself again” as I present as being me. My analogy of myself is that of the picture that changes depending on how you “see” it - the young lady or old hag one! People see what they want to see and so I play along with that. I am the old hag as people annoy me and I feel twisted inside. That is not like me at all.
I often stop to ponder where I am on this path of grief and I do see that I am walking with stronger and lighter feet. The unknown nature of the path still frightens me but kernels of anticipation and hope are beginning to form.
What I do know is that life goes on whether I like it or not and that life and good health is something that should never be taken for-granted or wasted. And so today I will walk my dog, meet my friends for lunch as planned and I will get talking to my infantile brain telling myself to be grateful for times gone and for adventures that are still to be. Always my dear husband is in my heart and that will never change. No one can take that away from me.
Have a good weekend and think of your feet are they a wee bit stronger and lighter too?
Cxx
Awwwh …Yorkshire Lad …behind that gruff exterior you are a soppy old thing with a heart of gold . You say the nicest things …sometimes ha ha ha .
Love you lots even though I don’t know you
Sending big hugs …even though you don’t like them from strangers
Love Romy xxxxx
Dear Cristal
Nope …my feet are not feeling stronger or lighter one bit at the moment
I am still plodding along but working on becoming more comfortable in my own skin whilst carrying my rucksack full of rather heavy jumbled up feelings !
I wish you well for this weekend
Sending lots of love
Romy xxxxx
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I just know I could cope with hugs from certain strangers. I think I’ve worked through that anyway. I quite enjoyed a couple this week.
XXX
Well done you
Sending more hugs again then
Love Romy xxxxx
Am I missing out on something, where are all these hugs coming from. Group hug time. Can’t usually bear strangers wanting to hug me but don’t want to be left out. So hugs to you wonderful people. Pat xxxx
Romy, it’s beautiful and if that is rambling then let’s hear more rambling from you. I, like you try to find happiness and early this morning I did manage to find it, at least I think I did. I know I keep banging on about walking in the countryside but it really is good for the soul. I went off on a walk that Brian and I know well. It’s quite beautiful, woodland, open fields with new born lambs, tracks, and views that seem to go on forever and as I stood looking at what was around me I felt a sense of peace. I always talk to Brian and let him know where I am, he knows these walks anyway and will know. I promised him he would always be with me I climbed and almost got to the top but decided on another track instead. I was pleased as after having a heart scare a few weeks ago I am now so grateful that I have no effects when pushing on uphill and give thanks that I can still do this. If I was to keel over what a beautiful place to be. So I feel I had found some degree of happiness on my early morning three hour walk with my dogs enjoying every minute as well.
How I wish it was possible for there to have been a mistake and then not only would we have our loved ones back we would find ourselves also. Brian and I would go back to arguing on which track/path to take, Oh what bliss.
I think of this thing called ‘grief’ as a horrid being hovering over me, waiting to gobble me up and I am fighting it off and determined that it won’t get me. I am constantly searching for ways to deal with what I am feeling. Pat xxx
So eloquently put Romy, as I read your post, it started to trigger things in my brain, it all makes sense yet my mind is telling me different. I’m still floundering in the ocean. Now and again I feel I’m getting closer to dry land then find myself in the deepest part of ocean once more. Not knowing if I’ll ever survive the high waves that keep dragging me down but survive them we must, we must not only for our own sakes but for our beloved husbands and wives, we have to live on in order that they too may live on within our hearts. I’d much sooner have Alan here, getting under my feet and disturbing me every two minutes as I’m trying to.do something. I’d welcome this in a split second with open arms. But we know reality does not work on this way and accepting they’re not coming back to us in this life we have to try to accept as best we can, keeping them close in spirit is the most we can hope for in this life, doesn’t make it any easier does it.
Blessings
Jen☆
Ah …the grief monster
Maybe if we tried to befriend it and comfort it ,it might leave us have a bit of peace …
I’ve just walked my dogs and fed some of our old horses too
The sun is lovely
The bluebells are out
And I’ve hugged and kissed my tree which is a substitute for hugging and kissing my husband ,
I don’t care if people think I’m mad
I just do whatever helps even if it’s crazy
I might even get myself a grief monster so that when I start to feel totally crap I will transfer those sad , bad feelings to the grief monster and then hug that too and try and make it feel better
Anything to get rid of the misery when it comes and completely takes over
Keep posting
Good ideas always welcome
We are all in this grief experiment together unfortunately but we will survive
Sending much love
Romy xxxx
Ps and a hug xxxxx
aaarrrr the tree’s, how I love them. In the woods today they was so huge and old, they have seen so much of life through the ages they deserve our respect. I can feel them watching over me like a huge army as I walk through them. Not a sound other than the birds. It was early morning and the sun was just starting to come through the tree’s. The bluebells were having a little dance in the breeze, all was so peaceful. There was so many tree’s didn’t know which one to kiss but I will give as many as possible a big hug next time I walk in the wood’s or forests, could well be a long walk though. Are we crazy, my husband thought so as I stopped to talk to tree’s as we walked. He was hoping there was no one around to hear me.
I doubt the Grief monster would have any mercy for us. It beats away relentlessly. I just want to get rid of the blasted thing. Let’s all try and be rid of it.
That is some lucky tree. What about all the others.
For some reason that is the only tree in the hayfield that I have bonded with .
I only have eyes for that tree at the moment because it has helped me through thick and thin
I was even thinking of getting it a ribbon at one stage …but I thought that was going a bit far …might upset all the other trees
Love Romy xxxxx
That was an amazing post Romy, your thoughts and words speak volumes to me.
I wish I were able to encapsulate as you have all that goes round my head.
I could take each thought and line and be in total agreement. Thank you for reading my mind!
Xx
My niece who’s 8 (well my ‘great niece’ actually but we’ll ignore that) has a worry monster that she made at school. It’s basically a small cardboard box that she has painted and drawn a face on. It has a letterbox type mouth. If she has any little problems she writes them down and posts them through the worry monsters mouth giving her concerns to the monster rather than keeping them in her head. Lately she made me a grief monster. Exactly the same scenario as hers, bless her. Needless to say, every day since, I write on a piece of paper exactly what I think of the damn thing and, I don’t filter my words prior to either. A very therapeutic exercise and up to now it has stopped me from saying out loud what I often want to say to those thoughtless people who make those thoughtless comments on a pretty regular basis. You know the ones… :))x