Romy, I don’t think that the zest we had for life will never come back as it was. I just hope that I eventually will feel less flat less numb. I used to be so enthusiastic and full of life - i suppose is just wait and see
Take care
Sadie xxx
Romy, I don’t think that the zest we had for life will never come back as it was. I just hope that I eventually will feel less flat less numb. I used to be so enthusiastic and full of life - i suppose is just wait and see
Take care
Sadie xxx
Chris, you don’t have to justify your lack of desire to do gardening! Enjoy doing nothing …
Sadie xx
Dear Chris
Best thing to do is sit outside with your cat and read the Sunday papers
Nothing wrong with that and your cat will love you for it too !
Love Romy xxxxx
Thanks Sadie, I do sometimes think I’m just lazy but then I remember what it was like when Paul died, 17 months ago, and feel I’ve progressed a bit, so give myself time.
Still have the ‘brick wall ‘ moments when I crumple but I now know I can slowly recover, to fight another day,
Love, Chr
Hi Crystal.
That’s it we re existing but we re not living
I know the ache in my heart well.
It’s something that will never heel, just somehow have to learn to live with it.
I wonder why I’m so tired, but it’s the grieving its exhausting.
Especially when it comes from nowhere. First the churning stomach, then I’m sobbing.
Just cut the grass and have my water feature switched on right next to the open patio door. It is soothing, I like to think Phil is listening to it with me,
Love Sandra xx
Hi Chris
It probably won’t make any difference to your spirits if you do or don’t do the garden so if you don’t feel like it leave it till another time.
Gardening was always my department and I loved doing it especially as we had moved and was creating a smaller more manageable garden.
I find it so hard now to work up any enthusiasm for it though I did spend a few hours this morning outside. All I could think of was how this time last year i would have been doing the same tasks , my husband probably reading the paper or playing a game of chess sitting nearby bringing me tea. We would have been totally unaware of the C monster eating away inside him, how I hate that thought. It would be two more weeks till we got the bombshell news then 53 days more till he died.
I feel little point now in gardening , I did it for us and now there is no us.
Noone to share a glass of wine with at the end of the day and him to tell how lovely it looked.
Everything is so empty now.
Sorry for wingeing I know we all feel the same but it’s hard to get across to others just how empty life is.
Family and friends are thoughtful and kind but I don’t think they truly understand how I feel when I’m just on my own like today. I don’t even think I can be bothered to go for a walk today which I take as a bad sign for myself.
Maybe a cup of tea will help sort that out!
I hope youre enjoying quality time with your cat, she’ll love it.
Xx
Me too Sadie - it is so difficult to feel any interest in anything. It seems to be couples everywhere I turn, planning their holidays, shopping for plants, meeting up with friends. I can’t stand it. It’s not just the loss we have to come to terms wit but also the significant change in our day to day life. Take care Sadie. Cx
Hi Sandra, yes grieving is exhausting especially when the demands of day to day living don’t make any allowances for it. I too am in my garden ( looking at everything that needs done and doing none of it) and have a little wind chime tinkling in the breeze. I imagine it is my voice to my husband and the tweeting bird is his voice to me. It sounds nonsense but it is a great comfort. Recently I have become more preoccupied with thinking about our lost future. All the little things we would have done together, just in our particular way. Grief is such a horrible place to be and there is no relief from it. I try to stay positive - the “glass have full” analogy but it is getting harder and harder. I’m beginning to feel bitter and I don’t like it. I do know I will survive this but I will never be the same. Cxx
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Dear Romy So eloquent and your analogies are spot on.
My head is as stubborn as yours but my heart just wont stop yearning for him,
Its ten months next Saturday since he disappeared from my life.
I’m still searching for him. Wonder when that stops if it ever does.
Love Sandra xx
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss it’s heartbreaking it’s six months and three weeks on Wednesday coming since my soulmate fell asleep in my arms every passing minute it’s getting worse I too search for him look out of the window thinking he will walk up the street im utterly truamatised take care of yourself as much as possible in my thoughts Adele x
Hi Sadone,
I feel exactly the same about the garden. It was my job and Paul really appreciated it. With no one to enjoy it with, it seems pointless.
I am also concerned that I couldn’t summon the energy for a walk, as that was the hobby we shared and I need to keep moving.
The cat and I have sat on the patio and ignored the weeds . I’m about to make a cuppa now. I think I’ll treat myself to a pot, something I haven’t done for years as Paul always drank coffee.
It is time for a glass of something but I’ve no urge to drink on my own.
You’re not wingeing, you’re sharing and thus helping me.
I am plagued by the thought that , although we only had 3 months from diagnosis of a brain tumour, Paul guessed but didn’t want worry me. I wish I’d known, I could have helped.
However, it’s too late now I have to live with things as they are.
Let’s hope the next week brings some sort of enthusiasm for life,
X Chris
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So so sorry to hear about your loss it’s the same here I cant even bring myself to get out if bed or open the blinds I just want my soulmate back in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes all I want is my partner in my thoughts Adele x
Dear Crystal Its not nonsense at all.
Every morning I hear a Robin outside my bedroom window.
It’s always around the same time and If I m not up by then it will keep chirping until I am. up Might sound like I’m going mad but Im convinced its Phil telling me to get up.
Many mornings I dont want to, telling him what’s the point, it’s just another day without you.
I always get up and try to carry on.
I went back to the caravan yesterday.
It was the one place he wanted to be when he was ill
It was a form of escapism for a little while, until we had to come back for more treatment.
Yesterday from when we arrived there was a Robin singing its little heart out on and off all day.
My daughter grandaughter and myself were in bed early. The robin was still singing and started again for the dawn chorus.
It was lovely to hear.
I love to see Robin’s and find comfort when I see one. Their lovely song is an added bonus
Love Sandra xx
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Dear Crystal Its not nonsense at all.
Every morning I hear a Robin outside my bedroom window.
It’s always around the same time and If I m not up by then it will keep chirping until I am. up Might sound like I’m going mad but Im convinced its Phil telling me to get up.
Many mornings I dont want to, telling him what’s the point, it’s just another day without you.
I always get up and try to carry on.
I went back to the caravan yesterday.
It was the one place he wanted to be when he was ill
It was a form of escapism for a little while, until we had to come back for more treatment.
Yesterday from when we arrived there was a Robin singing its little heart out on and off all day.
My daughter grandaughter and myself were in bed early. The robin was still singing and started again for the dawn chorus.
It was lovely to hear.
I love to see Robin’s and find comfort when I see one. Their lovely song is an added bonus
Love Sandra xx
Hi again
I made it out for a walk after giving myself a talking to! I’m fortunate to live a short drive from the sea , it’s always nice to walk there. Today sunny, blue and bracing.
It’s a shame we don’t live close to each other to admire each others gardens , chat and share a bottle of wine. Such simple pleasures seem hard to find .
Hope you have as decent a week as you can.
Xx
Dear Sandra and everyone else
I have come to the conclusion that grief is the ultimate test of our self control and ability to carry on in the face of being deprived of everything we hold dear
We shouldn’t cry if we can help it ; we should try not to be too miserable in front of others ; we should carry out all our chores ; we should go to work if we work and we should occupy ourselves all day at home if we don’t ; we should cope with being sick on our own if we live alone and even if we don’t we can’t expect other people to drop everything and fuss around us ; we shouldn’t want hugs ; we shouldn’t want sex ; we shouldn’t mind not making any plans or having meaningful conversations with the person we are closest to in the world
In view of all this I am surprised that we haven’t all gone crazy
I am not going to do much else the rest of today other than cook , eat and drink wine with my kids and my mum
I hope that grief will loosen its hold on me for at least the rest of this evening
I reckon we have all been tested to the limit and passed
Please find something nice to do for yourselves tonight
You deserve it
Love Romy xxxxx
Paul sounds like he was very courageous in wanting to protect you from the truth. I’m sure you did absolutely all you could to give him love and support in his remaining days.
I also look back and wonder if I did enough , people tell me I did but … I know looking back doesn’t help or change anything but we can’t help ourselves agonise over those questions can we.
Xx
Dear Romy
Another brilliant post that once again says it all for all of us.
Enjoy the evening with your lovely family
Xx
Dear Adele Thanks for your r