Dear Jacquie
Your husband knows you love him
Tell him again and again that you
love him!!
We were not perfect wives and they were not perfect husbands - because we are human. But we don’t have to be perfect
I am also amazed by people’s Kelly ndbess! It has really surprised me how supportive people are and also how much people loved and respected Jack.
Life is different, we have so much to learn and so much to accept and adapt!!
Hope you can have a good day
Sadie xxxx
Morning Trisha
I was so sorry to read about your husband and completely feel your pain of the shock and devastation. Everyone tells me it’s the best way to go but like me you never got the chance to say goodbye and say all the things you wanted.
It’s so hard but I kept thinking of what my husband would have wanted for me and take all the support you can get from anywhere.
Focus on the funeral and doing that for him although that too is so difficult as your family too are suffering. Just cry and let it all out as much as you want.
So sad for you.
Rosa xx
Dear Jackie
I really really know how you feel - I wish I had hugged my husband more - he was always the romantic one and I was the practical one. I would do anything to hug him now. But we loved them with all our hearts and they know that- I am sure. I can feel Gary saying ‘I am sorry love’ - because he always thought of me and our children first. They miss him desperately too and I have to say that I am OK to them - but I am not really. I am in tears this morning as I miss him so much . I purposely did not go upstairs where he was because I saw my father just after he died and he was not my dad - and it took me years to remember him as he really was. So I took the cowards way out and did not go up to him. I don’t know how I feel about that - sometimes I know it is alright - because we had discussed this - he did not see his mum and was scarred by seeing his grandmother after her death - and just wanting to kiss him goodbye. Instead I keep touching his watch and I have asked for a couple of locks of his hair as I am going to buy a locket to keep round my neck with it in. My daughter wants one too. He was proud of his hair at 60 hardly a grey hair. Gary was the fun one - he was the one that made me and the children laugh all the time and the tributes I have had have all said the same - a lovely person who thought the world of his family and who could always make them smile. I veer between being grateful for all the happy years we did have and being so cross that it ended too soon. The only way I seem to be able to cope is to do something… so I am going to go and turn the cupboard out in the hall in a minute.
It is hard but please try and remember instead the last time you laughed together and remember him that way instead. We have some hard times ahead but we will get through it - but at the moment we just have not worked out how.
Trisha x
Jackie, I started writing my thoughts and feelings in a journal, I found this very very helpful I tell Alan every day that I loved him and miss him, I tell him about my day and everything else that springs to mind. When I get some thoughts, to me, it is Alan replying to what I am writing, as though we are having a conversation.
There are a lot of others on this site who also find comfort in writing in a journal. I’m a quarter through my second one. If you decide to join the rest of us in journal writing, I get mine from Peter Pauper Press on Amazon, they have some beautiful ones in stock.
I was very fortunate to be alone with Alan for the last 45 minutes of his time on earth, our children (both adults) had gone home from the hospital to tend to their animals, I’d been at the hospital since 8am the previous day, our son and daughter had been there since mid afternoon and stayed all night until just before 6am.
The time I spent with him was beautiful and very serene, I was able to tell him how much I loved him, I didn’t want him to leave me, but I loved him too much to keep him. He was very very poorly and I had to let him go. I get very upset when I think about all this,
not a day has passed these last 12 months where I haven’t cried. Some days it takes me over 2 hours to compose myself to go out.
As well as the cancer, he’d been bitten by a spider when we were on holiday in Grenada, whilst it wasn’t a poisonous one, Alan had an adverse reaction and the symptoms kept recurring every few months he would never see the doctor, he used to drink pure coconut water when the symptoms occurred and within 2 days he was fine, until the next time. It had affected his nervous and immune system causing damage to his kidneys, he had kidney problems when he was 5 years old which probably caused a weakness. We don’t know.
It took a long while to be able to talk about his final hours without breaking down, then one day I found I could talk about it without feeling too upset. This last month I have cried buckets over every hour of this time last year. I’m dreading tomorrow and the anniversary of his funeral too.
In time you will find you feel a little peace in your heart, other days you will be completely inconsolable, this is only to be expected , there’s no time limit on grief and no one can ir should tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel, this is personal to each and every one of us. There are some really good books on bereavement, I have acquired several, some I’ve read, some I’ve glanced through, two books that were recommend I opened then promptly put them on the bookshelf where they will remain until I get around to reselling them on Amazon, I didn’t like those at all, went against all my spiritual beliefs and didn’t resonate.
Do talk to Richard every day, o talk to Alan constantly, even as I walk upstairs, I tell him what I’m going up to get. I know I’m crackers, I’m a great believer in the spirit world and I do find this very comforting
Take care, sending hugs and blessings to help you through this tough time.
Jen☆
Jen…
… thank you for your journal recommendation, I have now placed some stationary into my basket…Oh how I wished i had stayed in the front room when Richard walked in, just maybe he would have had more of a chance of still being alive…
Sadie…
…oh I will continue talking to him, he was not a believer in the afterlife but I am, I dont know if he is with me at my side, if he can see me or hear me but I will continue talking to him amongst my crying, ad hopefully await a sign…
Tricia…
…I know what you mean by I wish I could tell him how much I love-love him, or give him that kiss, I gave him a kiss the day I was taken to see him in the chapel of rest but I knew it wasn’t him, he was not in his body…I just hope and pray he was right by my side and aware of me coming to see him and talk to him before the funeral-cremation took place just over a week ago, which such a lot attended it was even a glorious day weatherise, just as Richard would have liked it…The service went perfectly, I stood up and spoke some positives about him…My daughter and grandson travelled the 140 plus miles as so did several of Richards family from Bedfordsire and Hertfordshire to Dorset…
Jackie…
Good morning to you all.
I knew for ten years that I might well lose my husband from C, but we never talked about it, he wouldn’t. He remained fit and well for most of that time but when it did start to attack him big time we still didn’t say all those things that you think you might because you just don’t accept that you are going to be torn apart. I suppose in the last couple of weeks before his death we did say the odd things to each other.
He told me he would always love me and be looking after me still and he asked me to take him with me on all my walks (we was big walkers both here and abroad and members of the Ramblers) I still am. Little things like that but never a full on conversation because for me, I hoped for a miracle but was told afterwards that the ten years he had was in fact the miracle.
I tell Brian everyday at the cemetery that I love him and sorry if I wasn’t always a good wife. Sorry for some of the things I said. I put them in writing every day in my letters to him. After he died I found text on my phone from him telling me how much he loved me and thanking me for all I did for him. I never text so hadn’t noticed them before. I have cards he left for me saying the same things, yet I doubt everyday that I was a good wife, that I could have done better. He told me to go and marry someone else as I was such a good wife, but still I have my doubts and still I beg him to forgive me if I ever let him down.
I know my Brian is with me. So many things have happened. Today for instance I was walking early this morning. Out in the depths of the countryside. I came to two stiles, and pondered which one to go over, which direction did I want to go. On one of the stiles I noticed a white feather and followed that route, where there was more feathers going across the field. He was there walking with me. I thanked him for being there.
Pat xx
My dear Pat - so much what you feel and say reflects the way I feel.
I also regret that I wasn’t a better wife. I could at times been more patient and understanding. I always told Jack I lhad told him but I wished I had told him even more and he new I loved him and he knew how important he was/is for me.
As he became ill we also didn’t talk about the illness , death because in those four months I just couldn’t.
And I also prayed so much for a miracle - I don’t know what this miracle was going to be!!! Maybe the miracle is that everything was so quick and Jack didn’t have a lot of pain .
Hope your day is good Pat
Safie xxxx
Ah, regrets! Yes we all suffer from those. If, if!! But I am sure if you look back most of us did our best. As someone said, we are human with all the faults humans have. If we were ever foolish enough to look for the perfect partner then we are bound to be disappointed. But love overcomes all no matter what faults we have or find, true love can surmount any obstacle. With love in your heart you can do no wrong. We may nor realise it, but we do give love to each other on here. Not just sympathy but love. Its a much misused word, but unconditional love is what I mean If I love my neighbour as myself the love goes two ways. I have respect for my neighbour and for myself. People often get embarrassed by the word love, with all it’s connotations. But true love is purity personified. It’s so precious and needed at times. But what a pity we can’t do it all the time. Why do we have to wait for disaster to overtake us before we can love each other. Of course we loved our partners, but what about our neighbour? The story of the ‘Good Samaritan’ comes to mind.
Hi Jonathan - well said!!
I do try very hard to tlive and be kind to people. And I also know that I have to love and be kind to myself
I know regrets are useless because we can’t go back in time. When I feel more upbit I know I was a good wife - far from perfect but good.
Sadie x
Pat…
…yes he was right there with you…I too look for that one feather to float down, I also will look for other signs although it maybe early days yet…As I have mentioned before, Richard had no beliefs, where I have of the afterlife…I just know him, and he will still feel its his “duty” ( his word not mine ) to look after me…although I know he needs to be at peace now…
I will see if I can place a photograph of him on here…
Jackie…
Jonathan…
…yes so many regrets we leave to late to put right-to rectify the damage…I am testament to that, the pointless now arguments and bickering just dont mean a thing anymore, a very hard lesson learnt on my part, I shall never make this mistake again…I shan’t want my Richard to know that some things I had said I didn’t mean…
It takes a death to really open up ones heart, and I have been doing a lot of that over these last 5 weeks…there is just so much I want to tell him, such as I did-do love him and how much I appreciate how committed to me he was, I know he put me first, every time, just never appreciated it when he was here…so easy to take someone for granted even if I knew one day this would all come to an end, just didn’t know which one of us would be the first to go as he always believed he might be one of these people who live into their 100’s…he was 74 and still has one surviving sister who is 9 years older than he is-was…
Jackie…
Amendment to my above post…I am constantly telling him I do love him, I miss him and just want him back…just angry with myself that I never told him I loved him when he was here, but neither did he yet it was so obvious he did, he cared so much for me, he always tried his best…I just wish he was here so that I can repay him and look after him in the manner he was always there for me as regular and as loyal as any long standing partner can-could ever be…Basically I never needed nor wanted for nothing whilst I was with him, he was my rock, my partner of 19 years…I will never ever find another Richard, he was unique…I had never ever known him to let anyone down, he was so so reliable…
Jackie…
How and why and get a grip go through my mind constantly. 5 months now since I lost my husband suddenly and totally unexpectedly. Had some counselling, but cried the whole time and came home exhausted, so decided that perhaps it just wasn’t for me as I have and do continue to feel lost and alone. I get the feeling of wanting to run away somewhere, not sure if this is normal and don’t as I have no clue where I would go that would be right or help. So i just struggle through each day, I do hope that something will change of its own accord and I will join my husband sooner rather than later. Then feel guilty as sick people lve and pray to geet better. Time is of no help to me yet and I have no faith that it will be somehow.
Family and friends are lovely, but have very little spare time which I fully understand. Their lives haven’t changed so all goes on normally for them which is quite right and as it should be. I am now the odd one and do feel that if I join them for anything. That is all probably in my head and not their fault, but is how I feel.
None of this is any help to any of you feeling the same, except to perhaps add that perhaps this in normal grief. Hope some or all of you do and can find some joy or cope luv Lana
Hello Lothian, I think maybe crying during counselling is the right thing to do. It’s only been 2 mths for me and I too want to run away but don’t know either where To go. I feel like I’m losing my mind most days. I have family but they don’t want me to cry. Mornings are from hell as the brain goes through groundhog day and deals with the horror again. I don’t know what to say other than keep writing on here at least people try to help. Hugs. K xx
Lothian, I feel also lost, exhausted and alone - as you say my friends and family can be wonderful and supportive but it is not the same
I feel really low today I just can’t see the point of it all
You are right , their lives all though they are also grieving goes on with land marks and exhausting things happening . I can’t see anything good happening on my life !!!
I just can’t stop crying!! I am so very lost and hurt - in my case it is 7 months since Jack died …
Lothian , hope the other people that reply to you are a bit more positive - today I feel so sad and sorry for myself
Sadie xx
Lothian, I feel also lost, exhausted and alone - as you say my friends and family can be wonderful and supportive but it is not the same
I feel really low today I just can’t see the point of it all
You are right , their lives all though they are also grieving goes on with land marks and exhausting things happening . I can’t see anything good happening on my life !!!
I just can’t stop crying!! I am so very lost and hurt - in my case it is 7 months since Jack died …
Lothian , hope the other people that reply to you are a bit more positive - today I feel so sad and sorry for myself
Sadie xx
Lana, it will be 12 months tomorrow since my husband Alan passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Not a day has passed that I haven’t cried, some days I cry buckets and buckets. This month has been especially hard for me, he was taken in hospital may bank holiday last year, leaving our home on 7th May for the last time. I’ve relived every day I sat by his hospital bed 12 hours each day for 11days, sometimes staying all night too. Tonight is the anniversary of our last night together and tomorrow I will be reliving his final hours with myself, our son and daughter by his bedside, the his final 45 minutes alone with him which I shall cherish for the rest of my days. It doesn’t end there, I stayed by his side for a further 6 hours waiting for a doctor to certify him. Being a Saturday, I was told, meant only a handful of doctors were on duty. I couldn’t leave him on his own, so I stayed until the undertakers came for him.
His funeral was 30th May exactly 2 months after we celebrated our golden wedding anniversary, we had been together since I was 15, he’s always been in my life for over half a century and it’s a living hell having to continue without him here, I hate it. I lock myself away most days, only venturing out to take the dogs on their walk.
Wouldn’t even get dressed if it wasn’t for them. Some days I’m not too bad, but not often. Some days I barely cope. But have to try, have to try for Alan’s sake, I know he’d be unhappy for me to live in this void.
Family and friends are busy getting on with their lives, at times I feel like I’ve contracted leprosy as most days I don’t see or speak to another person, apart from the flying visit our daughter makes and dropping Winston, her dog, off on her way to work, then I take hom home when she gets back. She talks about what happened in work that day and I just want to scream.
Take care, sending hugs and blessings, some days do get better to cope with, few and far between but some days aren’t as bad as the really bad days from time to time.
None of us will ever forget our husbands/wives andcwhy should we even think it, they’ve been a major part of our lives and we did and still do love them deeply.
Blessings ☆
Jen☆
Similar for me, I live now amongst a small community of 25 parkhomes way down in the valley and although after my Richard passed away I had people popping in, but now the funeral-cremation has taken place, 11 days ago now, no one is coming near me but I do realise neighbours have there own life and own issues to deal with so life as normal goes on for them, yet for me, this is when it really does get lonely, especially late at night once I lock up the front and back door, when I go to bed, I now read from the bible until I drop off, then up at 5 or 6 am to start the day all over again, i do feel a tad better come 8 or 9.am when I unlock both doors so as to invite anyone in who may decide on popping in to check up on me, this really is a lonely and scary period of my life…I must mention that my only child, my daughter is phoning me every day and has exchanged phone numbers with a parkhome neighbour to keep an eye on me and t contact her if need be, my daughter has my welfare and safety at heart even though she is in the East and I am in the South West…
Jackie…sending (((hugs))) to all who are needing them…
On my exact birthday this year the Physic Sally Morgan was at our local theatre, I booked tickets just for the experience, Richard accompanied me…even she never picked up on what was soon to come…It is just as well we cant see into our future…I know I wasn’t expecting to lose Richard on that fateful morning, anymore than when he woke up, got out of his bed, he never knew or thought that this would be his last…
Jackie…
Life is strange Jacquie! We don’t know what is going to happen and maybe it is better that we don’t
S xx