Hi Jen it’s Kate here and I feel your anguish and hurt. It’s almost as you say they think we have something they can catch. My ‘best’ friend has been so selfish too. We shop on Saturdays and in over 15 years I have done the driving in fact never been in her car. On Saturday I said its horrible going home and Colin not being there she said must be and got out of the car. Never asked me in for a coffee just in to her partner. I’m all right Jack to hell with you attitude. My daughter told me the other day that because Colin was a 2nd partner they weren’t all that worried about me. Yes people who should no better but God help them when its their turn but do you know we probably will help them because we are the bigger person. I hope you get some strength tomorrow you deserve it and some peace at night. Much love K xx
Doing my best babes
How are you ?
Romy xxxx
Jen, I understand and agree with what you said
You can off load and rant as much as you want because we not only understand but we are also going though very similar experiences
My children have been extremely helpful and loving but even then 2 of them didn’t even send me a text/ phone call during this weekend - (the other 2 were abroad) - they knew i was alone etc etc etc…
It has really pissed me off - and once again highlighter that i am alone
I have even considered to create a group of widows that do something at the
weekend - so at least we have company -
So i think it is wonderful you found new friends on this site - i wished it would happen to me.
I teach yoga, and i used to do meditation - but now i just cant - my mind is feel etc etc - but there are different types of meditation - a walking meditation - a working meditation. My embroidery is a working meditation - because all i do is to see where the needle goes in and out - and this Saturday as i was alone - the embroidery proved that i kept my mind calm and settled - no panic that i was alone. It was really useful to me - now - i really am not embroider - it is cross stitch and i am not great!!
Also the help people want to give gggrrrr!!!
Since Jack died - 7 months - I put on 2 stones - I was eating my unhappiness
So there i am in bed - in pain - not been able to move - and come my son and say “Mum - you know if you loose weight it may help the hip problem” - told him that his timing was not right .
One of my daughters said - It is all a question on mind - you have to decide what you want to do with life
someone saying - Maybe you change your bag to something smaller because of the hip and on and on
I am hurt - in pain - emotionally and physically - so I need a break!!
I think people want me to recover quickly so this way i am less trouble!!
so lovely Jen - you all have stuff to off load
The reality is that we are alone - even with family support is not the same support we received before.
When i went to see the consultant - I had to fill in Next of kin - and I cried - because it was always Jack - now…and that highlights again how we are alone.
Well as the Salvation Guard says - Onwards and Upwards
Sadie xxx
Katie - the lack of understanding and compassion is amazing.
Where doe it come from?
Is it because they dont care? Is it becasue they have never lost someone?
I think it is they don’t understand - the loss of your partner - creates a much bigger hoe the the loss of a parent, sister. It doesn’t mean you love less - but losing your husband changes your life so completely - and I don’t think people are aware it! I didn’t before …
Sadie xx
Hi Sadie I have told them how I feel but makes no difference. They are all off to Florida on Saturday, the whole family incl my ex husband and his new wife. Iwasn’t asked even before Colin died but it makes me feel even worse and keep asking why am I here? Thank you for your reply K xx
Katie, we have to find another way to live- getting another life
S xx
I think with a lot of people they think there is a cut off dates…I had the odd neighbour floating around but since the funeral no one comes near…I can only assume that in their minds eye, now Richard has completely gone to his maker,they assume life goes on as normal for them and for me, well it might do for them, but it has certainly changed for me…my life as i knew it 7 weeks ago tomorrow is not the life i knew, or am living today, their is an empty space in my life that wasn’t empty 8 or 9 weeks ago…
Jackie…
Hi Jackie I’m 7 weeks too and I feel as if people should see the hole in my stomach because it hurts so much. Next door neighbour was good at the start but doesn’t bother now. I hate being alone and wish I was brave enough to follow him as can’t see a lot of point in sitting here. My counsellor said you need to do charity work and help somebody, and who is helping me I asked - no answer. Love K xx
Hello Ladies, this topic is so interesting and I am having exactly the same negative attitude from family and friends. I must admit I have never been a person to want really close friends. Plenty of people around me but nobody close.
My family have not bothered. My daughter in Spain but no contact except to ask me for money and telling me I was strong and would get over it. My son, nothing, doesn’t even answer his phone although I have been told he wants to meet up with me, then why doesn’t he give me a call. Last week I decided to call a friend I hadn’t seen since the funeral and must admit I was delighted with her response. She was so pleased to hear from me that she drove to my house straight away but said that she had been waiting for me to be ready for visitors. My next door neighbours of over thirty years came to the funeral but never knocked on the door to see if I was alright or in need of company.
I’m ashamed to admit that I have never been much support to friends or relatives, never realising how hard it was, so what goes around comes around…
A woman at my gym lost her daughter. I didn’t know as I hadn’t been to the gym for five months. When I saw her I said how sorry I was and told her I knew what it was like as I had lost my husband recently. Her reply was: That my loss was nothing like hers as it was her daughter (in her twenties) and she had given birth to her. She completely dismissed my loss. Needless to say I don’t bother to speak to her now.
I have had two divorces and the attitude is very similar. Keep away, don’t get involved !!! Neither really bothered me so I felt no sense of loss then
Think it’s a smashing idea to start a group in our own area’s, offer support where needed.
I have been told by a woman I know that is a bereavement counsellor that it is very hard to get counsellors so perhaps some of us could give it a go. I’m certainly considering it, at a later date of course.
Love to you all Pat xxx
Hi Sadie, sorry your still in pain. I’m afraid we become the forgotten and it’s up to us to make our own way in life. I’ve had two divorces and had to start all over again but must admit I liked the challenge as hard as it was at times. I’m older now and really don’t want all this.
I think of it as losing half of me and the other half having to learn how to function all over again. Hence the tiny steps back to another life. But we have all got this far and can keep going.
I had to smile at your children’s advice. Now come on secretly you know that they’e right but you are just not in the mood to want to hear these comments. I’t’s something else for the tired brain to have to think about.
I ate nothing but rubbish up to and after I lost Brian. I just couldn’t be bothered. Then I had a health scare that frightened the life out of me as I value being active. I started eating sensibly again and got myself back on track. Fortunately no one told me how stupid I was becoming otherwise they would probably got a mouthful from me.
I too enjoy meditation and yoga but can’t concentrate very well, plus my two dogs want to join in trying to copy me and sitting on my back or stomach which ends up making me laugh, so all is not lost. I at least get some fun out of trying
Go for it Sadie, start that group and perhaps it will encourage some more of us to do the same. Bereaved people need support as and when.
Pat xxx
Hi Pat - I think you missubswrtood the woman from the gym - compare grief and suffering doesnt work. I don’t think the woman dissmussed your loss , I think that having lost a young child made her blind for other people’s loss.
Maybe talk to her again, she may need someone just to listen to her
S xx
Katie, ask your husband for help and he will
Helping others helps us - random acts of kindness !!
S x
How do you start a group?
I know they are right about my weight ! Since jack died I put in 2 stones!!! I know I must behave!! Starting tomorrow- buying proper food in the supermarket!!
Just saw the consultant - nothing horrible happening - a nerve is been pressed etc etc in the end I am normal !!!
I also must strengthen my core muscles !!
S xx
How do you start a group?
I know they are right about my weight ! Since jack died I put in 2 stones!!! I know I must behave!! Starting tomorrow- buying proper food in the supermarket!!
Just saw the consultant - nothing horrible happening - a nerve is been pressed etc etc in the end I am normal !!!
I also must strengthen my core muscles !!
S xx
Hi Sadie, no idea how to start a group but going to approach some local organisations and see if they have any idea’s
So pleased your normal, never doubted it !!!
When I had the health scare I went into a local supermarket and filled a basket with healthy food. The sort of food I had eaten for years but had become a bit naughty after losing Brian. Sorry, did buy a packet of chocolate biscuits today and ate a few of them on the way home. It was dark chocolate though…
Pat xx
You are forgiven. Chocolate is good for you
S xx
Oh good that’s my excuse to finish off the rest of the packet.
Pat xxx
You are so funny Pat!!
How was your day?
My day was good but I feel so angry! I am abgry with 2 of my children that ignored me at the weekend - ian angry that I alone and lonely- I am angry that I have this quiet house - I am angry that I am feeling so sorry for me!
I am just angry !! I am angry that I am living alone
Otherwise is all good!!
Sadie xx
Hi Pat best to get the anger out children no matter what age are so wrapped up in their own life. My daughter said she’d phone or come round tonight guess what - not seen her. Never mind I told her this was a bad day made no difference. The loneliness is brutal. K xx
The anger will pass
I like your description saying that loneliness is brutal!! Excellent word to describe it and is also very tiring !!!
Sadie xx