Thank you so much Sheila for your words of encouragement that must inspire many of us. I know I benefit from messages like yours. It gives me hope for a future that will be different but nevertheless a future that we must accept and do the very best we can with it for our own sake’s
I too love reading, always have, even as a small child I had always got my head in a book but unless I want to look up something i can’t concentrate anymore.
We are all having to find some pleasure in what we do. You making yourself look nice and going into town. I have our allotments, growing veg, picking the flowers that we grow, having a chat with other plot holders. I enjoy walking with the dogs and getting into the countryside but must admit to wondering for how long will I be able to continue to do these things. But you have shown me that looking to the future is unwise, take each day as it comes sounds about right. Don’t worry about what might never happen.
When I think about it I spent 10 years worrying about Brian since his diagnosis of cancer. I threw my heart and soul into making sure he was getting the very best out of our lifestyle. I actually thought that I would now be able to relax more as I no longer had this worry always hanging over me, but it doesn’t work like that does it. We never stop worrying about them.
I must have loved Brian so very much to be feeling so emotional and sad so much of the time because I really did think that I would be able to cope so much better. I thought I was prepared for the worst, little did I know what it would really be like.
Again thankyou Sheila
Love Pat
Hi Shelia I never thought Colin would die and I would be on my own, I was in complete denial. When they told me at the Hospice Colin would never come home I thought just you wait and see he will be home. Like yourself I met Colin in 1959 and still love him now and will never stop, and cannot wait to be with him again, Life has lost its meaning now , Take care Shelia Love Pammi xx
From what you and Pammi have said it must be something we do by shutting down and being in denial that we will ever lose our loved ones. I too didn’t think he would go, even when the GP came to our house and tried to tell me how ill Brian was. I asked him not to talk like that as we was being positive and talked of what we would do when he got well again. Like you I devoted my life to looking after him even in the last weeks when it became so hard. I still didn’t take in that I was losing him, I was still making plans and talking about holidays. My Brian was dying and I couldn’t accept it. Does our brain shut down or something.
I am the same as you
sheila with family. My grandson and family come to see me every two/three weeks but I eel a nuisance. My daughter I have heard nothing and my son the same. Yet we used to be such a close family. I devoted myself to my children especially as their father left us when they was toddlers.I don’t seem to exist now as far as Brian’s family are concerned. I suppose I wasn’t much different with my mother although we did live a long way from each other but that was no excuse. I suppose now I’m getting what I deserve and it’s up to us to make the best of our life and prove to our family that we can do it.
Take care
Pat xxx
Hi Pat. As you say I think we do shut down because we really don’t want to hear what is going to be said, Colin said to me Live life to the fullest I said to him I have no life without you how can you have when you have been together nearly 59 years and as Shelia says they were wonderful times, Still cant believe its all over that’s the problem I have getting my head round that I keep thinking it cant have finished its to final for us , I have one Daughter who I don’t see much of because of her work but I know she is still struggling loosing her Dad, I have no Grandchildren and my Brother who I am close to lives quite a way from me but I go once every couple of months to stay with him and his wife,but he has been told he has stomach cancer and goes to Hospital Thursday to see what they can do,Life is very cruel at times. Sometimes I feel unwanted and that upsets me because we had Husbands who did want us I read somewhere that when you loose your loved one its like Amputation without the blood, How true that is, It is belting down so that puts pay to doing the garden tomorrow Take care love Pammi xx
Hi Shelia I agree if only I could go back to 1959 and do it all again as you say, yes our lives would be complete but couldn’t stand losing them again, My Garden light are flashing on and off have to go and see whats wrong wouldn’t mind if I knew what I was doing Ask for Colins help that will fix it, Speak tomorrow Sleep well Love Pammi xxx
HI Shelia No the light are electric they are on timers in the shed, I have a couple under the apple trees a couple down the bottom of the garden so I can see when the foxes come in to be fed, Managed to fix it fuse had gone another job done, Was coming home on the bus this morning and saw a poster in the bus shelter and it said " My favourite place to be is next to you" how strange didn’t have a clue what it was about, but once again it sets you off. Its pouring of rain at moment but very warm, got some plants at market this morning so want to try and get them in, Have you managed to do your hedges ? Ibought a lovely shrub last year Bottle Brush and it has come out one big mass of red like thistles and the bees are loving I t,Ordered a couple more to put down the bottom of garden by the lights so should look nice when lit up. Be thinking of Lotties Dad tomorrow also Lottie and her family not forgetting you . Cant wait for this paradise the bible promises us, Going to London with my friend on Saturday going on the cable cars from Isle of Dogs to Greenwich something to do drives you mad really, all we want is our Partners back and problem solved , Take care Shelia Lots love Pammi
I lost my husbsnd 1st may 2019 finding days lonely. Its the sharing little things like what you want for dinner. Someone there when getting back from the shops. No one to kiss goodnight . Hold hands say see you in a bit when going out. Its the cuddles an warmth im missing how can you get used to not being needed or wanted finding it very sad.
Think this is for sheila you could join lunch club U3A have clubs all over country its just adults an gives you excuse to dress nice for one day. I myself havent done it yet since my husband passed away but they are brilliant groups please join try it lovely people in these groups.
Rosie I know and understand how you feel. I lost Jack 8 months ago - and is still very raw.
Although it was 8 months ago I don’t remember exactly how it was - I am still frozen and numb and if there is a piece of advice I can give take your time, just do what you want - unfortunately there isn’t a magic word!! And it doesn’t matter how much we cry and hurt our husbands won’t be back.
We are in a very painful and lonely space and I hope this forum can support you as much as it does is
Sadie x
Morning Shelia You are all in for thoughts today, Its a lovely sunny day lets hope it remains that way and the sun will shine on us all with good news Lots love Pammi xx
Thinking of you all everyone of us are going thru. every emotion there is feeling guilty awful feeling of emptiness. But we all still manage to get up in the mornings and go thru each day. My Dave I loss 8mths 2 wks ago but I still struggle and will do for many years to come as we were married in 1967 and had a great life together.
But what we all must do is try and live our new lives in a differant way as we have not choice. As a friend of my said do anything you want as you have gone thru the worst thing life can throw at you, nothing can be worse then what has happened.
We all need to be strong and make our lives mean something until we meet our partners again.
Reading thru the messages a lot of you are going thru a bad time with relatives at the moment who are ill, Remember you are in the prime position to know what there partners, sister, mother, father are going thru so use your grief to help them to stay positive. It is my 53rd wedding anniversary Monday and I am going to see my Dave with his sister which will be very sad but no way would I let Dave down.
Lots of hugs Queenie xxx
Yes Queenie, that’s how I see it too. Nothing on earth would have me let my hubby down. Nothing. Grief won’t beat me either. He is worth much more than that. I hurt, just as everyone else does. I struggle some days. I miss him desperately and, I don’t use the word desperately loosely. But, more than all those emotions put together, I love him. Much, much more, I love him. The consumption of grief is the only emotion I believe would have a chance of bringing me down which in turn would turn me into something that my husband would not be pleased with. I won’t let it. No. No. No. I won’t. I recognise it, I certainly feel it, but I won’t let it beat me into being a let down in the way I deal with the rest of my life. Not a chance!
Queenie I’m sending you love and wonderful smiley memories for Monday xx
Hi Rosie The one in my area is now quite large but they don’t “do” social occasions, not even Christmas, no reason to dress up either. they seem to prefer being very academic and not exactly welcoming. Interest group meetings are often held in members’ houses so a car is needed.
My husband and I were members for a few years and he liked going to a couple of those groups. When became ill a year and a half ago he didn’t renew his subs as he knew he wouldn’t be fit enough to go however he still went 2 or possibly 3 times to a group held in the home of a lovely welcoming old lady. Then the Chairperson started kicking up a fuss about people not having paid, The old lady was happy to welcome him into her home. Then I got an unpleasant email from the Chairperson complaining. That was the week he died. I am disgusted at their attitude and the treatment of my lovely, kind husband who by then was a fragile old man upset by their nastiness.
My Richards ashes are to be sent back home, I have given my consent to the lovely funeral director who needed my consent so as for Richards only sister ( 83 ) who is back home in Bedfordshire where Richards ashes will be with his parents and brother, this is what she wants, what i want and deep down know Richard would have wanted…I am in Dorset, I wont even be able to go pay my respects to Richard, even this is something I now will have to live with until if or when I can head myself back towards home, but where is home now?..I know home is not here, it never was was the both of us…home is where ones good memories are…
Jackie…
You’re right Sheila. I never doubt I will feel the way I do for the rest of my life but my husband wouldn’t have wanted to die either. He loved his life and life in general. It is those thoughts that keep me from sinking. The pain is unbearable most days but I have to rise above it. One way or the other that’s what I have to do. I cry most days at some point. The pain is the worst. But I just know I can’t let it consume me completely. I just can’t. And for his sake and mine, I won’t xxx
I am not sure my MS will even allow me to " swim " even if I want to swim…But I will fight to keep my head above water so as I can get on with what is necessary such as dealing with the solicitor, a move if necessary…I have dealt all by myself arranging Richards funeral, arranging a funeral was the first for me… have never had to arrange a funeral before…Oh yes I have lost both parents, mother when I was 26, father when I was 37, then several uncles and aunts when I was in my 20s and 30s but to lose ones longstanding and what we believe as our forever partner and be suddenly thrown into the deep end was not something that was on our future agenda…
I agree totally my husband died in August only 43 and he always told me to live life if anything ever happened. Like you I cry most days his birthday is this Saturday then anniversary of his passing on 4 August going be hard few weeks and very emotional.
Regards
Dawn
Thanks for your words once again Sheila. I do grieve. I absolutely do. I just cannot let it beat me. I have a longing inside of me that will never leave me until I am with him again. I know that. I will though try my best until that day to live on for him and me in the best most positive way that I can. I will cry for always, I know I will but, I won’t be beaten. Love to you inspirational lady x
Hi Sheila You’re right, they did give us the strength to carry on.
From the day we met Phil built my confidence.
I was a much stronger person because of him. It’s a painful
Experience when the one person who built up your strengths is taken from you… Yet if I had never met Phil I wouldnt be able to carry on now.
Dont get me