Hi Chris
I agree with Laura the sponsored walk for Paul was a lovely thing to do.
I wish I could go and sit in the park. I haven’t been able to go since Geoff died. I suppose I am frightened of the emotions that will surface. I seem to spend my whole day trying to keep them at bay. So many things I don’t do now.
Well done for getting a smart phone. You will soon get used to it and wonder how you managed without one.
Yvonne
Hi yvonne
The panic attack was so scary only started the medication yvonne hopefully it helps have been really struggling. Lewis is given 13 hrs support a week he has a carer who takes him out other than that the showering feeding personal care and everything else is down to me he is such a wonderful boy and keeps apologising for needing all this help missing his dad so much he too is struggling I have reported back to social services and they are comi g back out to see us. Like you this is the first year I have not been enjoying the sunny days I also cannot visit any of the parks walks etc we used to do it is so hard that everything is different Ian loved sitting in the garden and I dread even hanging out the washing it is not helping that our recent neighbours have left again and we are worried who we will have next the last 2 tenants have been a nightmare trying so hard to take a day at a time Thankyou for your message it’s great to hear from you take care thinking of you and everyone Laura xxx
Hi Yvonne, Laura and all,
A year before Paul died, I had a bout of depression which came from nowhere and I still don’t understand what caused it. Paul looked after me and I gradually got better. GP prescribed a low dose antidepressant and I still take it. It took a couple of months to kick in but slowly I got on top of things . I’m saying this because I don’t think there’s any problem in taking a long term drug. The GP said if I’d got diabetes, I wouldn’t object to long term medication. I’ve had no side effects and don’t feel ‘drugged’ . I’m sure it’s what has helped recently, to get me through. The only regret I have is that I caused Paul so much worry in his final ‘healthy’ months, before his diagnosis . That is something I will always regret And it’s too late to put it right
I was honest and told everyone I was taking an antidepressant and found so many other people we’re also taking them!
I hope others will realise there’s no stigma attached to the medication , it just puts balance back into difficult life.
I hope it helps someone,
XX Chris
Hi just wondering how everyone is thinking of you all Laura x
Hi Laura. Difficult week for me. I have been busy in my garden but feeling the loss all the more because my husband loved sitting out in our garden reading and listening to music. I’ve tried my best to rally for my friends and family but it’s so hard. I hope you are ok and have got through the week ok. It’s been really nice weather but it has somehow that has made me more sad. xx
Hi vonnie
I feel exactly the same I have had to get someone in to change our garden because I can’t maintain it on my own the way it is have felt so sad and guilty as Ian done the garden and enjoyed it so much I feel like a betrayal in a way that I am changing it but I need to be practical so sorry you had a bad week I think the sunny weather does make you feel sad it just makes you think of all the things you would have done on these days together I had the Councillor yesterday and that helped a bit to talk about it you take care Laura xxx
Morning, Laura. I’m not in a good place this weekend as tomorrow is the first anniversary of the accident, and Monday is my husband’s birthday. I don’t know how I will manage and will be glad when it’s Tuesday. Not a lot of support from family I’m sorry to say. Hope you are managing to get through these sad days, which never improve as far as I can see. Eileen xx
Hi Eileen
All these anniversaries are so so difficult you are wishing it was Tuesday and I am dreading Tuesday as that is my wedding anniversary I have really struggled last few weeks had the coucillor yesterday he said I am worrying so much about my children I am not allowing myself to grieve like you said Eileen everyday is a mountain to climb and it is so difficult hope you get through the next few days the best you can i will thinking of you message me anytime if it helps take care Laura xxx
Hi everyone,
I’m sorry we all seem to be struggling at the moment. I’ve been out walking today and scattered Paul’s ashes at places along our favourite routes. It was very difficult but I’m glad I’ve done it. I’ve a small quantity left for one more place tomorrow. I’ve cried a lot but feel as though I’ve achieved something.
These anniversaries are so hard. I’m dreading next month as there are significant dates.
Every day is hard anyway, so it just makes it worse.
Hope we all get a better day tomorrow,
X Chris
One year ago today, we set off to buy Bill a birthday present for tomorrow. Had lunch in Sainsbury’s then did a bit of shopping. I was pushing the trolley back when I saw him step onto the escalator. We always used the lift and to this day I don’t know why he did that. He didn’t step off at the bottom and was thrown backwards, his head hitting the metal. Sainsbury’s went straight into action but they had to ring 999 three times before an ambulance turned up 40 minutes later. He may have survived if he’d been treated sooner but I shall never know. He died on 8th June and I am still devastated. I really don’t know how to go on without him as we had been married for 66 years and I am totally lost. It’s strange how much worse I feel now than when it first happened. It has helped to post this on here today. Warmest wishes to all who are going through this dreadful journey. Eileen xx
Hello Eileen,
Such a difficult day for you today.
I think when these things first happen we are in a state of shock and it all seems unreal.
Like you I am totally lost and don’t know how to carry on without my partner of 47 years who died so suddenly.
It is just awful without him and I feel my life ended the day his did,all I do now is try to fill in the days.
I hope you find something today to help you cope and you can think of some of the good times you shared together.
Best wishes for the days ahead, J x
Hi eileen
You are in my thoughts today I understand where you are coming from with the what ifs I also feel that if emergency services came quicker maybe Ian would have stood a chance we waited 50mins like you I will never know and that nags away at me. There is nothing I can say to you about this horrible tragedy you suffered but just want you to know we are all thinking of you hoping you can get through today the best you can Laura xxx
Thank you, Dalejackie, for your kind thoughts. We are all in this dreadful place but it helps to post on here where you can say what you like, within reason, without upsetting anyone. I have no plans for today but am hoping that one of my adult children will invite me over for some company. They all know what day it is so fingers crossed. Eileen xx
Hello, Sheila and thank you for your kindness. The worst thing about all of this is that we were going somewhere else for lunch on that day but changed our minds at the last minute, and went to Sainsburys instead. Fate, or what? Like you, the sunshine doesn’t do anything for me as we would be sitting in the garden together or going for a stroll. Tomorrow I am going to the crematorium to take some flowers for Bill’s birthday. His ashes are interred within a stone orb and there is a space next to them for mine. I know it’s wicked to wish your life away but I will only be happy when I can join him there.
I hope you are feeling better health wise after your bug. I began to wonder about you when you didn’t appear on here for a couple of days. I really enjoy reading your posts as you seem to have a similar outlook to me.
Take care. Love, Eileen xx
Thank you, Laura. I haven’t made any plans for today but am hoping that one of my sons will ask me over. They both live only a short distance away. If only we could turn the clock back to before we lost our loved ones. I have just told Sheila that we changed our plans on that day at the last minute, and would not have been in Sainsburys had we stuck to them. Surely, that is fate ? Whatever it was, it has left me devastated and, like everyone else on here, all I want is my husband back here where he belongs. Love, Eileen xx
Good Morning!
I think we all have the what if’s but we can’t turn back the clock.
What if I had not met Ronald…and all the amazing things we did enjoy! My life would be the poor for not knowing him.
I set myself goals and give myself projects - sometimes for the day ahead, others just for the next hour - in order to help myself manage these endless days.
Today I am making up a box of goodies for my great niece in Canada - she is just three and a half and likes doing crafts.
I hope you each will be able to find something to help you take comfort in what you do today.
xCarole
Hi Eileen
Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you too.
Sending you love and strength to get you through these very tough days.
Yvonne
Dear Eileen
I am so sorry that today holds such sad memories for you. Words are so inadequate but , like all your other friends on this site , I am thinking of you especially and hope that you gain some comfort from the love sent by us all. God bless and take care x
To everyone of you lovely members of this community, thank you for the kind messages, all of which have helped make this sad day a bit more bearable for me. I still have to face Bill’s birthday tomorrow but I will be visiting him at the crematorium and will spend some time there with my youngest son.
The great thing about this site is that we can talk about our feelings freely without fear of upsetting/annoying someone who thinks we should be over it by now.
Warm wishes to you all and God Bless. Eileen xx
God bless Eileen. I have no words to make this better but please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and all others facing this awful loss. Take care. xx