Hi everyone just quick one harvest service was lovely kids sang beautiful proud mummy … of course there was the lump in my throat this was the first school thing Gary had missed …there’s going to be so many firsts I guess.
Hope u are all well
Michelle xx
So pleased Michelle that must have been really difficult for you. Take care and big hugs to you all. Kay. Xx
Hi Shelia. What a lovely message from you on Monday night I enjoyed reading it so much.Colin and myself went out everyday except Sundays we might stay out a couple hours or longer depending what we wanted to do, As you say being married for so long its strange to be on your own and like you I hate it. I Nursed Colin for 2 years but due to bad infection in his stomach they had to leave a hole for the poison to get out District nurses had to do that as the hole had to keep being measured but I done best part of the caring and it does go from Husband and Wife to carer and patient , My anger is that it was a Junior Doctors error that caused it the Hospital admitted it but I am without Colin I swept all the leaves up today and come home and another lot had blown down leave it for the gardener now, How is it going with your family ? do hope its improving what with Christmas around the corner, Like yourself I like to still keep myself smart and still make myself up its what Colin would want and its what ive always done , People say to me you should go to the community centre and do knitting they are doing patchwork blankets I am not that sort of person at all couldn’t think of anything worse, I am not a tele person watch Animal Planet if anything I used to love reading my books but at the moment will read a couple of pages and have not a clue what I have read mind just wanders off completely . Then I go all over whats happened to Colin and how much I want him again, then you are back to square one, The weather at the moment is really lovely helps to make the winter shorter, But still the most important thing in our lives is missing. I know I will never get over it although people with Husbands say you will, And I know I am wrong to judge but on the bus the other day was a filthy looking man who stunk and I thought why are you alive and my Husband isn’t, it is wrong because he could be a lovely person but I should imagine Peter like Colin was very smart and it made me angry, Have you been to clarins yet ? Take care shelia love Pammi xxxx
hi Michelle Glad everything went alright with Harvest festival feel so much for you without Gary another hurdle over I think we just have to tick them off . Been a lovely day again its good to see the sun and just hope winter isn’t as bad as the last one. Take care Michelle Love Pammi xxx
Hi Shelia another lovely reply they really do help me because you and Peter were so young like Colin and myself, I really am sorry you feel so unwell as we get older it takes longer but you are in my prayers, I cant reach the clocks either Colin was 6ft 1ins and would do them, I am really getting in a state about nights drawing in. Its lovely at the moment in waiting for furniture for conservatory something else that upsets me is Colin wont see it, I cant play music at the moment gets me in a terrible state want to scream out to Colin. Like you Shelia I cant let him go every thing I do I think of him if I go on the bus I think we went their together in the car its a nightmare that I don’t think will ever end, I am sorry about my emails you set yours out so lovely I cant do that mine is a jumble, Again I feel the same as you miss the closeness of Husband and Wife that I think is one of the hardest things because I don’t feel old and still need him so much, We couldn’t sleep together for the last 2 years Colin had to have a special bed and it was single they didn’t do them in doubles so couldn’t even put my arms round him properly I ached for him then and I still do, It will be nice to see your family on Sunday do hope you are feeling better for it My Daughter has just moved and have taken on a place that needs a lot doing to it , she knows how fed up and lonely I am so she said we will get your bedroom done first so you can come and stay when you feel like it, hat made me feel better but they both work full time and no children but the offer is there, I know you understand how I feel because we were both so young when we met our Husbands Colin had just come out the army and I worked at Gamages in the city in the accounts department where has that time gone? God want him back so bad would tell him all day how much I loved him , but he knew because like you we wouldn’t have been married for 56years . Take care Shelia I hope you will feel well soon , Enjoy Sunday Lots love Pammi;
Dear Pammi/Shelia
I am reading your letters and know exactly how you both feel. I was married for 47 and known him for 50.
As you say miss the cuddling up to each other, just knowing he was there. Like you Brian had to have a hospital bed so could not share our last time together as husband and wife. He was in so much pain, that I could not touch him. I am today sitting here thinking I need to sort the geraniums out to go into greenhouse for winter. This was his job.
Dreading the dark nights, closing the curtains is when i feel so alone, and yes lonely.
My sons partner is sorry to say under the impression that its 6 months now I ought to be getting myself sorted. If only I could. I wake up every morning wishing it was all a dream and he would be bringing me my cup of tea in bed, saying come on sleepy head.
People say time heals, I don’t think it does I just think its not so raw. I also still think I don’t actually think he is gone forever never for me to see or hear him again.
Love to you both
June E
Hi Sheila,
Read your thoughts about your sadness about not having the chance to talk to your husband before he died.
I’m also haunted by our lack of discussion. I get so upset when I think that we didn’t try to talk.
My counsellor tells me that Paul didn’t want to discuss his illness or anything to do with it so I had no choice. By doing that I was doing what he wanted and that was the best thing I could do to show I loved him. It does give me some comfort but I still hate to think he couldn’t talk to me.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense and I get very upset when I think we wasted those few weeks.
It’s a year ago now and it’s no better, will it ever go away?
Keep talking here, we need each other,
X Chris
Hi everyone Peter died on 28th July and I am doing better some days . However, despite being out and occupied all day, tonight I am in total despair. Nothing particular has triggered it, but when I got in the car to come home I started to cry and don’t seem able to stop. I just feel so lonely and lost .I think about the long lonely years to come and despite all my friends and lovely grown up children, tonight I feel as if I can’t go on and don’t want to be here without him
Hi Toria . I am so sorry you feel so bad tonight . My husband Mark died suddenly at the end of July too . I have found this week very hard too . I think the reality of the situation long term without him is setting in . I have 3 daughters , my mum , friends and a business to run so am busy like you but the thought of being without him for however long ahead fills me with dread . I wake up in the morning in a panic and feeling sick . It is the fear of having to do life without him . It makes me very anxious . I don’t know what to say about us …you and me …I think we are doing our best and getting out and about but it is exhausting dealing with the grief and fear too . I have moaned to my mum a lot this week . That helped . I think it’s our brains trying to come to terms with our new situations . I expect we will be up and down for a long time to come . If you can do anything nice for yourself please do . And have a rest too . Sending you lots of hugs . Romy xxx
Hi June, Thank you for your reply, It is so unbearable what we are going through I really don’t know how we are doing it , I think such a lot is this really happenng is it real and when im out I want to shout out for him, I always held Colins arm or hand when we went out I miss that so much and don’t feel confident without him, We had always had a car when we were courting and I was sixteen and we had a car until Colin passed away so not used to transport . but im always on buses now think people must think theres that mad cow of a women always riding round,but its what I have to do for the time being , Yes we do miss the cuddles and need them more as we get older, Shelia you and myself had long marriages the youngsters havnt got a clue then its a different time now to when we were young and I would not change a thing, Thinking of you it helps to know we understand how each other feels , Love Pammi xxxx
Dear Shelia
My Brian did talk a little about dying
Unfortunately when I cried he would say don’t cry, which was because he did not like to see me upset
His Rennie Grove nurses said cry in front of him will show how much you love him
I held his hand all night the day he died
I felt cheated as they all told me he had several weeks left
Like you I dind it so difficult going out without that ha d or his arm to hold onto.
Sorry that should not had gone yet
I find it difficult going out without his hand or arm to hold
I also can’t bear to think of this future without him
I read the obituaries in the local paper and see ages of 89 or even 90 plus and I want to scream my hero was only just 68
Who was a big healthy man until this evil disease took him away from me.
I now keep sorting everything out in the garage and shed so I can die and everything will be tidy
This life we have now is so cruel
I am as usual in bed hoping I will sleep
and hope to wake up and it has just been a dreadful dream
Love to you
June E xx
Shelia I have sent you a big long email and ive pushed wrong button and its disappeared will send again tomorrow, You might receive it who knows Lots love Pammi xxxx
Hi Shelia Did you receive my email after all I am so upset have deleted all your lovely messages you sent me this week I took my computer in to town to the computer shop 2 weeks ago as it was playing up and it still is so that was a waste, hope you are not feeling to bad Love Pammi xxx
Hi Shelia, Thank you for your reply, Glad you had company yesterday also cake and flowers , Yes remember Nat King Coles record but Shelia we were not to young we both found the love of our lives and that is something a lot of people don’t get and both wish we still had , I sat in the conservatory earlier and watched the sunset it was so beautiful but did not have the same feeling as watching it with Colin, You was lucky you was with Peter when he passed over I had been up the Hospice eight hours with Colin and I had a really bad chest infection the nurses said I should go home and get some rest , they said Colin would more than likely be alright until the next day he had not woken up 8 hours I had been their so got my bus home which took well over 1 hour got in as I walked through the door phone was ringing to go back his breathing had changed stayed another few hours now I was being sick so had to come home again ,Got the call 7am next morning he had passed All those years together and apart when he passes will never get over that, I never slept with Colin the past 2 years because he had to have special beds every now and again and they were single I so much wanted to crawl in that bed for a cuddle with him, Shelia I still ache for him now and I always will, Glad you managed to get the housework done, Next step is your massage that will make you feel better, Yes I understand Colin used to say we have a really unique marriage how we felt about each other and I never ever would have believed if someone said you will be on line e mailing people because you are on your own and lonely didn’t think we would ever be apart thought we had years left together just want my old life back so carefree and still very much in love I loved my life I really did and Christmases were so special because that’s how we made them am not at all interested now havnt any Grandchildren so that’s it, I am going to my Daughter for the day sunday looking forward to that she had nice long hair but it started falling out Dr said it stress due to the loss of Colin, Hope you had a good night sleep last night it does help once I am awake im on the think again and no way you can get back to sleep, Well Shelia have a good day Sunday will be thinking of you, Lots love Pammi xxx
Hi ladies
Sorry I have not been on this week … I have missed ur support …
Like I said before although we have not met I consider you friends and wouldn’t have managed without you all…
I wanted to ask your advice if that’s ok …scarlett had a fall in her bedroom just before the weekend…a massive egg lump came out as I’ve seen many times before on little ones …I was aware of the things to watch out for …like being sick dizzy Ness unconscious …scarlett had non of these she screamed the place down …I immediately rang a friend who’s a nurse …she reasured me that as she was showing no symptoms that she would be fine but to keep an eye on her …
I was a nervous wreck …they have had falls before and I’ve always been calm and collected…
But imediatly I had all sorts of horrible thoughts I even woke the poor little thing up 4 times in the night. …she was very annoyed lol…is this normal…I’m a nervous wreck …the poor things can’t even play without me constantly telling them to be careful…I’ve become a complete hypochondriac … I know I can’t wrap them in cotton wool …but I’m constantly scared … something will happen … I just want to keep them safe …I know this is because if losing there dad …
My anxiety is really bad I’ve had to have medication increased …as the inside of my body is constantly shaking if that makes sense…weak legs …feel like you have no control over anything
I hope u are all well
Lots of love Michelle
Thank you so much Sheila …
I can always rely on you for a lovely reply that always seems to make me feel better and pick me up …
You seem to have a knack of making people feel better … scarlett is much better and back to her normal self…
I have the job of carving out pumpkins this afternoon… my little boy Oliver has pretty warned me that I probably won’t do a good job because daddy was better at it …
He informed me that if I make a mess then we can buy plastic light up ones … charming…
It’s funny like your self with the clocks … Little things that are husbands always did… we have no choice but to do are selfs…
I know they are only silly little jobs but they were there’s …and pumpkin carving is not my specialty unfortunately…but I shall have a go…
Best wishes
Michelle x
Hello Michelle,
Good luck with pumpkins, I have no little ones now only grandchildren. My granddaughter broke a chair from her dolls house, (No point in asking you Granny Granfer always said you were all fingers and Thumbs)
True granted but to have 7 year old tell you made feel just a bit deflated. Truth always hurts so they say.,
As you also say, little things husbands always did. We have a log burner and the rope seal needed replacing That’s easier I thought Brian used to do it in about 5 minutes. Several hours later, me and the cat covered in black glue,dust and bits of the old rope seal I got it done.
I am today thinking do I go and get the sweets for trick or treating as the kids in our road know I always do, I just don’t feel like it this year, as hubby always used to creep behind them when I answered the door and made them jump.
My Brian kept telling me life was to go on, and yes we will but it is so hard for us all. Enjoy your children they are a reminder of you and your husbands wonderful marriage,
Love June E XX
Hi Michelle
I can only echo what the other ladies have said. You certainly do get a heightened state of anxiety when you have had such a shock as we have. It takes time to learn to relax again. However Sheila is right we never stop worrying about our children whatever age they are. I hope Scarlett is ok now. Those bumps really do come up big. I expect she has a multi coloured bruise coming through.
In time you will be able to relax a little but there are always situations where we miss our husbands. My car won’t start today. I have been waiting for four hours for the RAC to come. Geoff was brilliant with cars and would have sorted it out very quickly.
Pumpkin carving was always Geoff’s job too. I think the light up ones are brilliant and no chance of cutting your fingers.
Yvonne
Hi Michelle, I’m sure your worry is normal. Everything worries us and makes us shake.
I don’t feel in control of anything and, although I’ve no children, I worry all the time about minor things that might go wrong, especially if I think I might fall or damage myself or break things in the house. We just haven’t got that comforting back stop and it’s all down to us to sort everything. It’s very frightening. Every time I go out in the car I think about what can go wrong .
You are doing a great job with your kids, it must be so difficult
We are all here for each other so keep posting,
X C