We took a bird feeder down today to where Gary’s ashes are … Oliver made it at school…and he wanted his daddy to have it …
Today we walked past a church and scarlett started to ask questions…( She’s been learning at school)
She asked if we could go in …we walked in and there was a meeting … scarlett told them about her daddy …and they let her light a candle… followed by a chocolate biscuit…it made her day …
I think I can manage Halloween it’s Christmas that worries me so much …
They no not to expect the same of santa…I just don’t know what they expect of me …of course I’ll do my best for them …
But the void will be very apparent …
Thank u again for your replies they really do lift me …
Hi Shelia Computer still playing up after havnt it repaired have a chap coming round to have a look at it next week. How did your Sunday go ? I thought of you quite a lot, I went to a evening church service with my Daughter to light a candle for Colin for All Saints Day quite moving but managed it, Have you managed to go out to Clarins yet ? I hope you have it might help a little, Ive been down town this morning and it seems there are more Christmas cards for Husband than ive ever seen before My Daughter said its just ive noticed it more, Not looking forward to Christmas at all and as we said in previous emails we used to do the place up and loved every minute of it Colin used to do the top of the tree as I could not reach it cant believe that’s all over it will never be the same,Dont know how im going to feel just putting my name on the cards after 56 years of both names, Getting flu jab tomorrow Doctors got a new supply in at last , As you say Shelia one of these days it will all be over and we will be together again how lovely that will be the sooner the better, Take care lots love Pammi xxxx
So sorry for your loss. Have you had any counselling? Some people say it helps.
I went to hypnotheraphy for five sessions and it really helped me. I didn’t have to keep going over my story just had to say how I felt - panicky, sad, anxious etc. I was taught techniques to do and they were very useful for the first few months.
I think it must be difficult to get through this with no help at all. Do you have close family and friends? Everyone on this site understands what you are going through.
So keep posting on here and others will respond.
Hi,
It’s also ten months for me and I don’t have any answers but just a few suggestions to cope with the sheer horror of it all.
Posting here has helped me a lot, you can message any time, day or night.
I’ve had several hours of counselling from the hospice where Paul died. Talking is good.
I’ve suffered so much guilt for so many reasons. I think I didn’t have enough patience, I didn’t help Paul enough etc etc. And the counsellor made me realise there wasn’t anything I could do at the time and I’ve got to let it go.
I now have routines to get me through the day. I read , I do jigsaws, I walk and avoid anyone I don’t want to talk to.
Be kind to yourself, don’t listen to people who tell you what to do, only do what you want to . Try and give yourself little treats- a coffee out or a nice ready meal or a hair cut, anything to take your mind off the desperate feelings, for a moment.
You may need some help from your GP, don’t be afraid to ask. You’re going to need all your energy so keep well.
All this will sound useless but take tiny steps each day and cry as much as you like . Some days will feel better than others but you will cope.
I also find the significance in a new month rolling in … I took the kida trick or treating for an hour …they were so happy …with there little bucket of sweets … It was hard not to remember back tho… I know it’s not a birthday or an anniversary…but last year there daddy walked around with us … As he didn’t want us wandering in the dark …
We didn’t go far just the street we live on …lots of the people have heard our situation and we’re very kind to my children there bucket s were rather full…
These little thing make a difference when I know people care about our circumstances…and of course when I see them happy I believe they are not suffering all the time …
It’s scarlett s birthday next week she will be the grand old age of 5 … hopefully that goes as well.
Morning Shelia
Be really proud of yourself taking the little ones in what is a treat for them.
There are so many things that bring us sadness but hopefully one day we will remember our loved ones with smiles.
I had no trick or treaters last night as I did not put my lit pumpkin out so they did not knock. I used to love seeing their little faces when Brian made them jump.
Good luck with the birthday, bless her nearly an old lady
Take care
Love June E
Hello Michelle and everyone. It’s great that you’re still trying to do all those fun things for your children. I’m afraid that everything we do is always going to be tinged with sadness. One of the things I really miss is sitting alongside my husband in the car, just me and him. A simple pleasure but how I loved being in the car with him. Sometimes when I’m in my car alone I yell and scream at the top of my voice - it kinda helps. Can I just say that the very worst anniversary, if you can call it that, was New Year. Be prepared for that one. It was like I was leaving my husband behind in 2017. Love to you all. Xx
I have just read your comments about not feeling in control. Last year when Barry died I seemed to be able to get on with all the things I needed to do to tie up all the loose ends, but this year for some reason I find that making decisions about changing energy suppliers, chasing up renewals is all getting to me for some reason. I woke up last night worrying about this and that, not least that it has got back to me that a family member is annoyed with me for apparently saying something, I wondered why she has been a bit cool - I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to have said, its like chinese whispers. Barry would have said 'forget it, if they want to believe it then let them they obviously have never taken the time out to know you and know you wouldnt ever upset anyone, its someone else making mischief".
I have two sons and they are like their Dad, not ones for small talk. I would love to approach things as my husband would have done, but like you at the moment feel very emotional and unsure, and indecisive. I have really bad days when I wonder what on earth I am doing but I read posts on this forum and feel so guilty when I hear about people being left alone with young children to support. It must be even more difficult for them. Thinking of you all on this forum
Today I am struggling. I have made an appointment to see a doctor but she won’t be able to bring my husband back which is why I am struggling. I have had ok days when I cope and get on with life but recently I have gone down again and am finding it hard to get motivated. I feel so lost without him. My whole life for over 50 years revolved around our togetherness. I thought I was strong and able to just get on with life but recently I have found things so tough. Today I started to write a journal but I don’t know if it will help. I will give it a go. I try to walk somewhere everyday because the house is so empty I have to go out to escape the feeling of being so alone. I do have friends and family, but they are getting on with their lives and I do not feel they truly understand what I really am going through. I am pleased to be able to write to you because you know exactly how things are. The other day I heard an older lady moan about her husband. She said they have a disfunctional relationship. My husband and I did not and it makes me more than sad because my husband died. One day at a time is hard but it’s all I can do at the moment. Maybe I do need some other help which is why I have made an appointment. It’s not for a couple of weeks because that’s the way our surgery works, but it’s there and I will go and see if the doctor can help me deal with this awful time. Thank you all for being there so that I can write this down.
Yes New year’s Eve does feel daunting I had not really thought about it to be honest I was so focused on Christmas and the how I’m going to keep the magic alive for the little ones …
They have suffered enough so obviously ill do everything in my power to make them happy …
Unfortunately the run of special dates are thick and fast at the moment just had olivers birthday 10 days its scarlett s then mine December…
Oliver asked …mummy how will we get u a present if daddy’s not here …
I told them a cuddle in bed is enough for me …
Even bonfire night will be hard we always go to a free display on the beach …Gary’s used to lift them on the wall then stand behind them holding them … while I recorded the display and there faces …
I will definitely have a lump in my throat …
And I know scarlett will ask questions about daddy because the fireworks are in the sky near him … She is very inquisitive for a four year old and likes to make sense of everything…
Thank u again for your messages …always mean aloy to me
You are doing a brilliant job in making sure the children don’t miss out on anything. The bonds you are forming now will ensure that your family grow stronger with time.
Children have a lovely casual way of talking about everything but it is hard to answer their questions sometimes.
Dates keep on coming but don’t worry about them beforehand. Just take each day as it comes. It’s probably best to try and change things slightly so that it becomes the new ‘normal’. New Year’s Eve will come and go. It’s just another day. We will still carry the memory of our husbands in our hearts as we go into the New Year.
Know that you are doing a good job and are honouring Gary’s memory by doing everything you can to raise your children as you both wanted to.
I do tend to over think things…and build my self up …and then I do tend to cope a little better when dates arrive … No matter how much I’m hurting I chose to be a mum and that never ends …
I sometimes worry about the balance of how much I should say to the children i think best to let them guide me …
Scarlett is sat at the table working hard on a card
.she’s so funny she asks how to spell something and the tells me I’m wrong and she’s four …
Michelle it sounds as if you’re doing amazingly. I can’t imagine what it’s like coping with the children and your own loss. I’m struggling to cope with loosing Ian and we didn’t have children. Keep doing what you’re doing. Take care. Kay. Xxx
Hi Shelia Its awful that you think Peter is going further into the past but its so true, don’t know what we can do to stop that happening, Ive had a day today when I cant get Colin out of my mind went into the shopping Mall and sat down with a coffee and the orchestra struck up with When I fall in love I left my coffee and went out like a bat out of hell couldn’t stop crying, Feel awful saying that when I think of the young Women on this forum with their children to bring up without their Dad so sad ,How have you been Shelia ? do hope you are feeling better and perhaps get to Clarins next week Take care lots love Pammi xxxx
So sorry you had such a terrible day …that’s the thing isn’t it, a simple coffee we can not even enjoy sometimes …
I went to bed early tonight and was listening in on my little ones, they were talking about there daddy and If he will send them a present or not …Oliver said daddy can’t get to the shops …I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh …there so innocent…
I don’t listen to music any more , I too like when I fall in love , it’s a shame our home was always filled with music …
Wish me luck I’m off to the dreaded job centre on Monday…so far they have been understanding …however I can’t help but get angry at the thought of being judged as others in there …and repeatedly feel the need to tell them I’m griefing and have too very young children…
The doctor is putting me on medication to slow my heart rate down he is worried how My anxiety is physically effecting me …
Tomorrow is another there day I guess …
Hope u are all ok and I’m thinking of you all as always