Sending you lots of love Michelle . It’s so hard to keep going doing all the normal everyday stuff when this is the least normal I have ever felt in my life . I still can’t believe that my husband has gone and that I’m never going to see him again . I expect you feel the same about Gary . It makes me feel very anxious but sort of numb at the same time because I know there is no point in getting really upset and crying because it won’t make any difference . Your children sound so sweet . It’s hearbreaking listening to them trying to make sense of it all . I hope that they are nice to you in the job centre on Monday . You are doing your best . Hope you get some good sleep tonight and that whatever you do tomorrow goes ok . I hate the weekends even if I’ve got some company . It’s so weird from how I was used to spending them with Mark before . Sorry for rambling on but wanted to let you know how fab I think you are coping with everything cos I feel crap and my children are grown up so to look after two little ones when you are feeling really anxious and upset …I take my hat off to you . Well done . Romy xxxxx
Morning romy , thank you for your message…I too don’t like weekends …with school there’s more structure and routine …
My dad is taking us to the fireworks tonight … and first I know it’s only fire works but all the same a first without him …
The kids are very excited tho …
Thanks again for your message
Take care
Love Michelle
xxxxxxx
Hello Tilly I am so sorry for your loss of your dear husband, I have just joined the pages again. I did over a month ago but couldn’t remember my password as my memory is so bad this weather. I liked reading your post. I can relate to so many posts reading through and realising that I am not alone and this has helped me to understand a little why I feel so low and helpless and empty and so lonely. I could have 100 folk I know beside me but I feel so lonely especially at night time. I have been looking for you and everyone who understands this emotional rollercoaster. I lost me Mick on 21st February this year the love of my life suffered 9months with stomach
cancer and he was so brave and in the end I asked God to take him home so he didn’t have to suffer anymore. I miss him so much some days I am strong and other days its tough. I am glad I have found this forum and between us all maybe we can help each other cope and to try to find a way forward in life
Hello Pinkapple,
Glad you’re finding the site useful.
This new life we all have is so sad and tiring. Today I really felt as though I’d been hit with a sledgehammer. I sort of exist day to day and get through the weeks and try not to think and then today I went upstairs where Paul had his office and it all came back again, I have two different lives, the old one with him and the new one without and I hadn’t realised how I’d kept him in a box. I still can’t believe he’s gone and he’s not coming back. It’s been a terrible day.
People try to help but they have no idea what it’s like and I can’t explain the hollowness.
This time last year was so awful. We were living at the hospice and I don’t know what I was thinking, it’s all an unbelievable blur. I think our minds shut down when we can’t cope, to protect us.
Sorry to moan but I know there’s someone out there who will understand.
Let’s hope we have the strength for tomorrow,
XXX Chris
hi Chris
I know exactly what you meant about having two different lives. I think for that last 14 months I have been in non think mode until something or someone jolts me back to reality. I have still all his clothes and haven’t yet unpacked the suitcase from when we were on that cruise when he died. I can’t do it, maybe I will one day. We or should I say "I " now! have a room where he used to play his guitars, that’s still the same as one of my sons when he comes will plug one of them in and play.
I also know what you mean about when your husband was ill. I too knew he would not be around long albeit a different illness. He had serious heart problems. I think we just get on with it while they are still around and try to be “normal” and do what we can and just get on because they are still with us.I don’t know what I’m doing really and to be honest I can’t think and don’t think sometimes . I had to have my cat put to sleep a few weeks ago and have now got this puppy who is keeping me busy and it is a presence in the house.
I have friends who live in oz who visited me in summer this year, they had booked the trip before Barry died, and they want me to visit them next year and although on a good day I find the prospect exciting on other days not so, but it’s a better deal to book well in advance. My family say go for it.
I understand what you mean by the hollowness and when people assume that everything is ok now lik I’ve got over a cold, and make comments like “you look better”. I know my sons breath a sigh of relief if I sound cheerful. Nobody other than like the people on here can fully understand how lonely it is . I can’t talk/discuss things with anyone about my feelings, opinions etc especially if it’s family related, so keep it to myself or go into don’t think mode. I have lost my confidant and my friend. We just have to get on with it somehow. Sorry for the moan, but I do feel sometimes that I’m stuck on an island. I was an only child and then I met my husband who,also was an only child so we had learnt to be on our own, and then we were two, and now it’s back to being alone.
I was speaking to a neighbour the other day, Her husband was lifting the shopping out of the car and was going to sweep up the leaves and nip back to the shop for something they had forgotten, and went in to put the kettle on, its all the normal things that I miss like chatting over the news or doing the crossword and having a laugh over daft stuff. I would love to have my husband back if he was fit and well but like you I had a few bad years of not knowing what was going to happen but he wouldn’t want to be an invalid on oxygen but I don’t think I could go through this again.
Be kind to yourself
Jxx
Hi June I understand completely what you’re saying, I haven’t unpacked Ian’s clothes I washed the used ones but everything else is in his case. He died on holiday in Italy 4 months ago and it’s absolute hell. One of my sons said to me a couple of weeks ago “ you seem better now Mum “ I just looked at him and said just because I’m not a crying mess I am heartbroken, I’m not going to be better! Poor thing as you said our children just want us to be ok but that’s not going to happen. I’ve had an awful weekend as Ian and I were due to get married in 5 weeks and all I can think is we should be excitedly counting down the weeks not me be a grieving fiancée making plans to scatter his ashes on that day. Life is so unfair he was a healthy 56 year old man and I will never to the day I die understand why this happened to us.
I hope you enjoy your puppy that will keep you busy. Take care. Kay. Xx
Hi
I totally agree everyone seems to be moving on and I’m stuck. Margaret was also a healthy 51 year old woman. We were in Benidorm in may and she died on 2nd of July. Our case remains in our bedroom unopened just can’t do it. Cancer tore her apart in 3 weeks and ripped my heart out. Yes life is so bloody unfair.
William
Dear Kay - I am so sorry to hear about Ian, did he have a heart attack? were you on your own. I was it was unbelievable. I dont know your circumstances, but I had to fly home from Tenerife and Barry was repatriated a week or so later. My sons offered to come and get me but because of the timings in the ports I didnt know till last minute what flight they had managed to get for me so it was easier for them to stay put and I came home alone.
Its not fair, and I do get angry when I hear people moaning about their husbands. At least I had many years with him whereas you were in the throws of a new life together, I am so sorry. I still have most of the ashes but have scattered a few here and there, places we liked.
Take care, I dont know how we go forward, as the song goes one step at a time.
regards
June x
Hi June no he died from sepsis and multi organ failure believed to be from an insect bite. The irony is I’m an intensive care nurse! He died In Itu in Venice. Thankfully I wasn’t alone as Ian’s sister arrived the night before he died. We flew home the day after and Ian was repatriated 10 days later. I feel so broken and lost without him. After an unhappy marriage and 8 years on my own Ian came into my life. He’d lost his partner to cancer 5 years earlier so we called each other our second chance. We were so happy and in love and planning a December wedding. He took me to Italy for my birthday. I will never get over this happening and wish I’d gone with him. As our wedding day approaches (8th December ) I feel worse. I know we all feel the same life is just so unfair. We didn’t deserve this, we are good people who have never hurt anyone and I will never understand why! I know we all feel the same on this site I’m just having a bad few days. Take care and big hugs to you all. Kay. Xx
Dear Kay
Oh my that is so horrific. Barry was very ill a few years ago when he had an abscess burst in the diverticular region of his bowel and had an emergency colostomy. After the op he arrested and ended up in intensive care and got MRSA, and for a week he wasnt expected to survive but he did then 2016 he ended up as an emergengy resulting having a defib fitted, stents etc he wasnt suitable for bypass, and then February last year 2017 he ended up in hospital with pulmonary oedema, which is what happened on the ship, but on this occasion he arrested, as his heart couldnt cope. I knew, as he did that he wouldnt be around for long, how much can a body take? I had been through it many times in my mind, but the reality of loosing him is a lot worse than I thought it would be.
But for you, its just so horrific, how did it get so bad from a bite. My heart goes out to you; feeling so happy and comfortable, and planning a future and I know what you mean about never understanding why does this sort of thing happen to us when there are many evil people in the world who value nothing. I dont know how you cope working in intensive care, . I just hope its not too distressing for you now. You do a fantastic job and you must see it all.
Take care, feel free to rant , thinking of you
June x
Hi June it’s horrific for both of us . Ian’s bite went from a rash on his leg (that I tried to get him to see a Dr for) to fully blown sepsis in 2 days. When he was first admitted to hospital they hoped they could turn him around with fluids and antibiotics but sadly he deteriorated and ended up on a ventilator and kidney dialysis machine. He never woke up having developed multi organ failure. Although I am back to work, I’m working in theatre recovery as I cannot face really sick patients and their distressed relatives. I need the structure and distraction that work gives me.
I’m so sorry for what your husband went through, the body can only take so much. That’s what makes Ian’s situation worse, he was a fit healthy man with no other medical conditions. Unfortunately the bacteria was very aggressive. As I said I will never understand why he was taken from me. That’s how I look at it he was taken, he wouldn’t have wanted to go. My only consolation is we were both so happy and he knew I loved him. I’m the one left suffering as everyone on this site is.
Big hugs June . Kay. Xxxx
Hi June,
You seem to know how I feel. I’m not surprised that you can’t sort the suitcase. Yesterday, for the first time, I took some shirts off the hangers to take to the charity shop but it was very hard and I couldn’t finish.
I’m sorry about your cat, it was quite old I think but I’d be lost without mine, you keep hoping they’ll last for ever!
I too think I wish my husband was here but not as he was at the end, it was awful and I can’t get rid of those images.
That September last year on the boat must be an image you can’t shift but in some ways you don’t want to; it’s all so confusing what to think. My brain feels fuzzy all the time.
The trip to Oz sounds brave. I recently took a journey on several buses and stayed away at a B and B. I can’t say I enjoyed it but I did it. So many challenges to frighten us.
We’ve got through another Sunday and look after yourself this week,
XXC
Hi Shelia Thank you for your lovely message, Went to a firework display with a friend yesterday who ive known since I was 17 she doesn’t live near but we meet once a week for lunch which is nice she has been on her own for 14years now but has had a boyfriend for the last 8 years The fireworks were really lovely but Colin and myself was not in going out to see anything like that
Sorry Shelia wrong button this computer is still playing up, made a nice change but didn’t want to be there really, When you say about Peter when you go to bed and you look in and half expect him to be there I do exactly the same thing I am in a bungalow so when I pass Colins room I think please let him be there but as he was like Peter tall and handsome and not with the illness , I have never known pain like this in my life and know I never will again . Stayed in today in the 11 months on the 9th this month since Colin passed I have spent 4 days in and I feel I am wearing myself out on and off buses after a car for 59 years its hard, Do hope you are going to Clarins tomorrow for your massage that should do you good, Another Sunday over with I hate them, Take care Shelia thanks for thinking of me , it means a lot lots love Pammi xxx
To Tilly .My husband was handsome, fit, looked years younger than he was but the cancer made the last few months of life dreadful. It was on his face and went inwards. The wound grew and grew until most of his forehead and right side of his face had opened up and was so so painful.I am having a terrible time trying to get past remembering that time and his distress, when I want to try and remember him as he was before his face started to rot away. How can I get to there when I am so stuck. Sorry but what you said resonated so much with me x
Hi Michelle, Thanks for reply yes just one simple cup of coffee and as you say cant enjoy that sometimes, It must be so sad for you listening to your little ones talking, You are so brave to have to go through what you are and having the children to keep going for its heartbreaking, Can I ask if have you been on your own very long ? I get myself in a terrible state when I think of Colin was married 56years and with him 59years and the ache to want him back is something else, I keep thinking has he really gone just can t believe it, Then I think of you and its so sad but nothing any of us can do , I wish you lots of luck tomorrow will be thinking of you , Do let us know how you get on, Take care Michelle love Pammi xx
Hi Toria,
That sounds awful and so hard for you to cope with. I try to look at photos of Paul as he was when he was well.
Have you been offered counselling? I find it helpful. As things upset me I can put them in a ‘box’ mentally and talk about them when I see her. It stops me getting panicked and uptight at the time.
She assures me the bad pictures will fade with time, I hope so. I think my husband and yours, would want to be remembered as his ‘healthy ‘ self.
Big hugs XXXX Chris
Hi William, So sorry to hear of your loss must be unbearable for you, I lost my Husband 11 months ago due to hospital error and that’s hard to accept as well, We are always here to help and give you support but it doesn’t take away the hearache I can imagine how it did rip your heart out and I am truly sorry Take care Pammi
Just a short note Thank you for also telling me it means a lot to hear from me as well at the moment I feel so alone and worthless ive lost my confidence since Colin went and hate myself, xx