Hi Sheila, sorry not got round to answering your message. Having a rough time of it. Even though I’ve been out and about it’s the same story, the empty house and no Phil. The wasted days when we would be out and about, the closeness, the long talks. Or even the silence when we didn’t need to say anything. Just being in each other’s company was enough. All the letters we wrote are back In the cupboard where no one else can read them…Just like your cards and letters they were just words of love nothing sordid, but they’re still private. I will ask for them to go with me when I go. I still feel anger that he’s gone, but I know I’ll have to.come to terms with that. When I think of you Michelle, you’ve had a much worse ordeal. At least I had him for nearly 50 years. My sister in law sent me a picture of her wedding 40 years ago. Phil was on it looking so young and handsome.where has my big strong man gone? It’s only been 4 and a half months. Someone asked me the other day, if I was feeling any better. I said well no actually nothings changed I know I will.never recover. Then I got that look and they said well maybe you should go to the doctors! Best just to say I’m ok. Hope you’re doing ok Sheila and everyone else, I know we’re all struggling,
Lots of love, Sandra
Hello Sandra . I couldn’t help but reply . When I read you are having a rough time of it and it is 4 and a half months I feel exactly the same . My husband suffered a sudden cardiac arrest at the end of July and died three days later in the critical care unit . He was 60 and we had been together 42 years . I thought I was coping ok in the beginning but this week has been horrendous. I have cried every morning and night . I have coeliac disease and have eaten the wrong stuff so been physically ill too . I feel anxious all the time even though I am doing everything I’m supposed to do . We have a family business . I have self referred to the dedicated bereavement service in the hospital and am seeing someone next week . I am hoping that this might help . The thought of feeling like this for the rest of my life is frightening . I hope next week is a better week for you too but we have to get through the dreaded weekend first . Sending you big hugs and understanding . Romy xxx
Hi Romy, it’s been 4 and a half months for me too. 18th of July in icu.Phil had also been in there for 3 days. He had suffered a bleed to his brain, caused by either the bone marrow cancer or the chemo he was trying to endure. We would have been married for 48 years if he had made it to September. Like you I thought I was coping but l can’t stop crying. I realise this is it for the rest of my life without him
Its like a punch in the stomach each time…I have ibs which is nowhere near as bad as celiac, but the upset affects my stomach. It is a frightening experience, when youve been with someone so long, We were soulmates.Phil was 65 no age, like your husband.I have my family, but they have their own lives, can’t expect them to be here all the time
My daughter’s really good I hate the weekends, although I have my 14 year old granddaughter staying tomorrow til Sunday. I have to remain upbeat for her. Will keep busy.
Sandra xxx
Hi Romy,
I read your post and it all sounds horribly familiar. My husband died in January, he was 60 and we were together for 37 years. He had a brain tumour and only lived for 3 months after diagnosis.
I’ve been seeing a bereavement counsellor for several months now and find her very helpful and knows how I am feeling. She’s told me to try and stop beating myself up for not getting on and sorting things. I do what I can which isn’t much and leave the rest. I still frightened most of the time and can’t think about the future. We had no children and few relatives so it’s just me and my little cat.
I’d like to tell you that things will get better but I think all we can hope for is it will eventually feel less painful .
It does help to post here, we all understand,
XXX Chris
Dear Sheila and Romy,
What you say to Romy is so true and helpful.
The idea that you are making new memories is actually physically painful, I find. It feels so alien to go on on your own when life holds no interest. I agree that nothing matters now; the news, Xmas, broken appointments, all irrelevant .
I hope your thoughts are useful to Romy and everyone, they are to me so thank you,
Love, Chris
Hello Romy, I too add my understanding of how you are feeling. We will both be having bereavement counselling next week…we are asking for help and I’ve been told that’s positive. Kind regards, x
Hi Sheila, everything you say is true. I remember being in labour with our daughter and he wasn’t slowed in. It was a long hard labour and I was so young
He looked like he’s given birth when he arrived with flowers. I remember him passing out on the bed. My daughter says the same as your son
She says I haven’t got what you and dad had mum. Not that depth of feeling. I think it’s true of a lot of people what we all had was rare. Although this agony we’re going through is worth it for the lifetime of love we shared . The new memories we are making , without wanting to, pale into comparison to the days we spent together. Even without doing anything just sharing time was lovely. Now I just get through trying to enjoy times that have been arranged for me. I do put on another face. Don’t want to dissapoint them. The distraction does help for a little while.
I want be going to doctors have to do this cold turkey, can’t mask it. I think bitter sweet is a good description .The forum for me is a form of counselling and you’re the number one Sheila, Love Sandra
Dear Sheila, You’re right about the old era .We only had each other and that was enough. People give up too easily these days. They won’t stick at anything. I’m heartbroken at losing Phil, but in a way it’s just as well he went first. He always said if I went first He would be right behind me. I believe that to.be true, because he always said I’m lost without you. The few times he’s been on his own like when I had our two children.Also I was really ill in the late eighties it was touch and go. He barely coped. He just wasn’t strong in that way, he always said he would live forever and never leave me. I think that’s why he wouldn’t talk about the inevitable. So neother of us broached the subject. But we did think we’d have longer.
We will all struggle but this forum is the only thing that helps me. I can always check in and share my feelings, knowing that someone’s always listening,
Love,
Sandra xx
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He always said he would
Hi ladies … I hope your feeling a little better Sandra …I know I’ve said it before but you should be incredibly proud of your marriages … only the cruel cause of nature has parted you …you were all the couples I aspired to be like …and I can tell from the short time I’ve known you all that you were so happy and in love and didn’t have to work at it like a lot of people these days you were just meant to be …soul mates that’s rare and special …it’s all I ever ever wanted…
I felt a little better today so relcutantly agreed to go around the shops with a friend…
Of cours I had to put in a brave face through most of it but she did her best …all I could think of was this time last year this time last year … Her husband rang her joking around about spending too much money …I had a big lump in my throat and had to walk to the next isle…it’s exactly what Gary would have done …
The Christmas music was playing and of course I thought that I could see more couples than ever holding hands …me and Gary held hands everywhere we went …
My friend was cautious of what she was saying and I didn’t want that … Why should she …she was asking what I usually do what I usually buy …it was hard … She was discussing what to buy and I tried my best to be a good friend …
I couldn’t help be jealous I won’t be getting a card or a present for my birthday and then Christmas the week after … He won’t be here to buy cards from the kids or buy a present from them for me …
I’m trying with everything I have to make my self in a good place for my kids …
Unfortunately reality is a cruel smack in the face …
I don’t know what I’d do without you all xx
Love Michelle x
That must have been hard Michelle, not just the Christmas stuff but seeing couples holding hands, you actually feel jealous don’t you? Ian and I always held hands, that’s one of the things I loved and miss so much about him, he was a very affectionate man and wasn’t afraid to show it. Life is just cruel. But on a positive note you did it! I’m glad you’re feeling a little better (medically).
Take care and talk soon.
Big hugs. Kay. Xx
Hi Michelle, I know just what you mean about feeling jealous. We used to hold hands everywhere we went.I still.feel jealous when I see older couples holding hands. Seems so unfair. I know we have to go through the motions when we’re out with other people ,even tho it’s the last thing we feel like doing.
People sometimes forget about how vulnerable we are, they’re carrying on about Christmas because it’s all ok for them. I dont suppose they mean it., but I do feel for you Michelle with your two little ones.Its going to be difficult for us all this year, my first one without my husband, yours too. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to change things but this forum has been a lifesaver for me,I don’t know where I would be without it. You have to be so much braver than us older ladies with two children to care for,
Love
Sandra
Dear Sheila, seems like they had a lot in common. The times when Phil was in hospital, he would wait for me to come in with his clean pjs and help him change into them. He was a very private person. When he went to outpatients , heomotology which was at least 2 days a week up to 7 when he was having chemo injections.i would stay on the ward with him, just nipping down to the shop. So many of the other partners dropped them off and left them on their own.I could never have done that .sometimes we’d be there from 9 til 6 when he was having bloods. As for talking about the future we never did. So when he was gone there were so many unanswered questions. He was talking about a new car as well,and booking a holiday to Scotland. I was living in hope too. He’s also left records and cds and he’d bought the shed he’s always wanted. We’ve got this huge state of the art shed outside full.of everything you could possibly need. He could fix anything, when he was well. Jobs he physically couldnt do, anymore my son is catching up on them for me. One of his main symptoms was breathlessness. So when he was first diagnosed, he bought himself a mobility scooter, one that strips down for the car. He was so used to.being out There he said it was the best thing he’d bought. So we could still go out for a while. There’s a lady who’s bought it and is coming for it on Tuesday. That will mean more room in the shed so we can see properly what’s in there,
Love Sandra xx
Dear Sandra . I am so sorry about Phil . Cancer is cruel . My dad had it three times over twenty years while I was growing up . It is awful to see people suffering . My husband Mark was the complete opposite of my dad in as much as he appeared perfectly well until the minute he collapsed . It has been such a shock to us all . We have three daughters between 21 and 30 . I have my mum who is in her nineties and about twenty employees so I am doing my very best to keep myself together for their sakes as well as my own ,like you are for your granddaughter but it is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life . My dad’s cancer , postnatal depression , miscarriage , my middle daughter’s ill health …she has had operations for scoliosis as a teenager and has type 1 diabetes …but this is the worst experience of all . There is no solution so I must try my very best to adapt to it . I know Mark would want me to do my best by everyone and making sure our girls are as ok as possible and the business is in the best shape possible is a way to honour his legacy . Sending you much love . Romy xxx
Hi Rainbow . Asking for help and giving it our best shot is all we can do . We will have to compare notes after our counselling next week . If it’s not right for us we can knock it in the head . But anything that might help us is worth a go . Sending much love . Romy xxx
Hi Tilly . Sheila’s thoughts are always helpful to me but sometimes they scare me too because Sheila has been struggling for 4 years . It has only been 4 months for me and the thought of feeling so bad in the future is frightening . I miss my husband terribly . He will always be in my heart and soul but I think he would want me to live for us both now in terms of looking after our girls and our business so that’s what I am going to try to do and I am going to try bereavement counselling next week to see if this helps me along the way . Wish me luck . Romy xxxx
Sending all the love in the world to you and your cat Tilly . With love from Romy and my dogs xxxx
Hi Romy, You have so much on your plate , with the business and your daughter’s ill health. With what you’ve been through yourself, you have your hands full. My daughter’s 47 my son’s 45. I.have 2 grandchildren. Kayleigh I mentiomed and James who’s in his everyone was devastated at our loss The grandchildren remember his jokes and teasing. He always made them laugh. By the time he was diagnosed the bone marrow cancer had progressed. He had transfusions weekly and chemo, which made him more sick. He had 7
Have a lovely time tomorrow Sheila . Your posts help me but sometimes they scare me . I have felt so bad this week that thinking next year might be even worse freaks me out. My husband was my everything …being with him felt like ‘home’ . I know I will never have that again but I must do my best to live for both of us now . Look after our girls and the business which he grew over the last 30 years . I have a lot of people depending on me and this is why I am going to try the bereavement counselling . If it doesn’t help or makes things worse I will stop immediately . You are very wise and I am flailing around desperately trying to keep myself together . Wish me luck for next week . Romy xxx
Sorry hit wrong button. Months from diagnosis. We thought had have in her, but he had a bleed on the brain and died 3 days late In icu.
Oops . Love ,SANDRA xx